5 Legendary Chennai Movie Theatre Advertisements

Watching a movie in Madras is a elevating experience, at par with a hit of Ecstasy or a night of drinking pure ethyl alcohol straight from a test tube. Because you get to watch, apart from the movie, all these works of consummate genius:

That 'War on Wastage' Lalitha Jewellery Ad

That sword buried in CGI mud in CGI backdrop, that awe-inspiring CGI-sun-pottu, that CGI horse, those clueless ladies on that CGI hot air balloon, the Iyshwarya Rajesh lookalike on the horse liberating them from CGI-wastage with deft movements of swords and knives, her costume, her boots... dear Lord, her boots (?!)... but most importantly, her eyes. Watch the video again, just for her eyes. What gloom-ridden secrets are hiding behind them? What message is she trying to convey to the world? Is she asking us to save ourselves? Or save her from this ad? Madam, tell us, please, put us out of our misery. Madam... Madam... Madam?

Dr. Reinhard Fricke and Whole Body Cryotherapy

I used to go for any movie that friends invited me to (even Singam Puli and Vengai) just to watch this ad. There's so much happening in it - the inductive logic of the treatment, the TR-blue-suited-fellow's absolute upbeat confidence in his product, endorphins, German thatha (Dr. Reinhard Fricke), and that old paati speaking about her abject fear of 'minus 110 degree'. Freeze your pain, brothers.

Creepy Kids in Jewellery Ad

What do you do when you want to make an advertisement about gold jewellery for kids? (Yes, that is a thing.) You take kids, dress them up like adults. Make one guy kid act like he's hitting on a popular girl kid, and make her reject his advances. Make another guy kid a playboy posing for photos with two different kids. Make a third one the fashionista. And then, to top it all, make two kids act like a couple announcing a new entry to their family... Totally appropriate.

Bombastic Adjectives for East Europeans

The jewellery industry in Madras seems to produce the craziest stuff. This ad, for instance, features wan East Europeans (one of whom looks like a Latvian Shruti Hassan) with that East European jawline, doing random white-chick things like dressing up, sitting on plush chairs and fake-driving posh cars, being described in the most alien bombastic terms like 'elegant', 'lavish' and 'extraordinaire' in an Indian accent. Importantly, do not miss that most non-elite font in which the word 'Elite' is written.

The mother of all dirges

I'm at a loss for words, really. (Except to say that the fellow who sang this probably makes that 'Inthiya tholaikkatchigalil muthal muraiyaaga...' announcement on Sun TV. And also that Leni Reifenstahl could take a couple of tips from the director and editor of this video.)

Indian Nominees for Nobel 2017

I'm very happy that Bob Dylan won the Nobel for Literature this year. My only sadness was that it didn't go to some Indian lyricist like Sameer. Since it should not happen next year, as a proud Indian, I nominate the following Indians under various categories for 2017:

1. Literature: Deepak Balraj Vij and Rahi Masoom Raza for having created new poetic expressions within the great Hindi film tradition through a character we know as "Basco, Murderer of disco dancers from London", and coming up with this plotline:

"With his legs broken by Oberoi's goons and guitar phobia from the incident with his mother, Jimmy must claim first place for Team India at the International Disco Dancing Competition amidst strong competition from Team Africa and Team Paris."

2. Medicine: Apollo Hospital, Greams Road, Chennai, for inventing the most advanced, comprehensive and complicated treatment ever for "fever" and "dehydration".

3. Peace: Subramanian Swamy, for opposing war, keeping a vigil on the ISIS, Dravida Kazhagam and the LTTE, and for showing hope to the world that "Long stable peace always follows a just decisive war".

4. Economics: Mukesh Ambani, for controlling a nation's economy without holding public office.

5. Physics: Md. Moyeed Abrar for his seminal paper, "Power cut off and Power Blackout in India a Major threat- An Overview", published in a peer-reviewed journal (and not as an 8th standard science project) that contains cutting-edge solutions such as "Innovative Transmission Technologies" (without mentioning what such innovations are), "Properly educating and giving technically sound training to operators in power plants" and "More renewable energy sources in future". He must get further points for the photographs of power cuts so seamlessly embedded in his paper.

6. Chemistry: To the website, servecows.org, for finding out the exact divine chemical composition of cow urine.

Off to Pakistan

Meeting of the Deport-To-Pakistan Committee of the Department of Population Control and Family Planning, Ministry of HRD, Government of India. 

Meeting begins with an impossibly off-key prayer by the Sharma-ji’s daughter, followed by the traditional lighting of the lamp. No one is sure which tradition that is a part of although there are vague murmurs about it being in the Samaveda. Then, a poem is read out in honour of the Minister for HRD, who cannot make it to the meeting because she has to meet the Prime Minister about getting an education. 

Meeting begins.

“First things first. From now on, no prayer. We shall do ‘Om chanting’.”

Desk thumping in agreement.

“Sharma-ji, do you have that list from the Cricketers Department?”

“Zaheer Khan, Mohammad Shami, Mohammad Azharuddin and Mohammad Kaif in the first batch.”

“What do you think, Gentlemen?”

“I think we should let Zaheer be. He played well in that World Cup final and all.” 

“No, no. Has he ever taken a 5-wicket haul against Pakistan? Never. And he retired just when he heard there may be a series against Pakistan soon. Off with him.” 

“Sirjee, Shami won’t make it to the Pakistan team. Poor fellow. He’s pretty good for India. Let’s leave him here, no?”

“He must suffer for his ancestors not moving to Pakistan in 1947. Why didn’t they go? Did we hold them by their balls?”

Guffaws heard at the delicious use of ‘balls’ to describe a bowler’s ancestors. Whispers of ‘Chairman is hilarious’ also heard.

“But that was three generations ago.” 

“Aren’t we suffering so many generations of Congi-appeasement? Off with him… In any case, in Pakistan, they’ll confuse him with Mohammad Sami and never pick him. This is great.” 

Desk thumping all around. Whispers of ‘Chairman is hilarious’ heard.

“Azhar was Member of Parliament here, desh-bhakt and all…”

“Desh-bhakt?! He was Paki-agent inside Parliament, you know? There’s no proof, but he was.” 

“That’ll make a nice title for a movie, no? Paki Agent Inside Parliament”.

“Like Ek Bandar Hotel ke Andar?”

“Yes, yes. Like that only.”

“Ok. Well done. I’ll ask Madhur to make a movie like that… That way we can give Gajendra some work also. We can cast him as Harsha Bhogle or something. Next?”

“Mohammad Kaif… Sir, he’s just minding his business… And he won us that NatWest Trophy final.”

“No. If we spare one, the others will also demand. Deport him. Actually, let’s send all the Kaifs in this country out.”

 “Sir, sir. Ek minit.”

“Haanji, Shukla-ji.” 

“Let Katrina Kaif be here, no?”

“Katrina Kaif?! No chance. She must also go to Pakistan. You didn’t see Ek Tha Tiger? She’s ISI in that.”

“Oh. So, if she’s ISI in a movie, she must go?”

“Of course. I heard that in the sequel by Balaji Telefilms, Ek Tha Kapoor, Kareena Kapoor is playing an ISI agent. Send her to Pakistan also. Second offence after Agent Vinod! What gall. Marrying Pakistani Saif in real life and then adding Khan to her name. It’s all love jehad. Now all those girls who stopped eating to become size zero like her — they’ll ape this aspect of her life also.”

“Sir, why are all heroes Muslim?”

“That’s a long story, my friend. But very simply put, it was a plan by Jinnah.” 

“Jinnah? You mean Muhammad Ali?” 

“No, that’s a boxer. I’m talking of the tall guy — Father of Pakistan.”

Whispers of ‘Chairman is hilarious’ heard.

“Jinnah told the grandfather of many Khans to stay back here and make their progeny film stars… To control the minds of the people. Muslims are always doing drama and they are fair, no? It was easy for them. In the beginning, they were using Indian names, like Dilip Kumar. Then, they realised that it was not working. So, they started using their real names. Even Kamal Hassan is a Hassan!” 

“Sir, how do you know this story?”

“I saw it on one Rediff message board. And then I immediately verified it by adding it to Wikipedia.”

“Sir, aap mahaan hain.” Desk thumping.

“Thank you, it’s in my genes.” 

“I know, Sir. Genes. Most important thing.” 

“It runs in the blood.”

“Sahi hai, Sir.” 

“But Sir, one minute. Kareena Kapoor Khan… By adding husband’s surname to her name, she got the Sanskaari Adarsh Nari Puraskar from the DoPP…

“DoPP?”

“Department of Patriarchy Preservation.”

“What?! When did this Department come?”

“Sir, you know Kamlesh Gandhi?”

“Yes.”

“He had to be promoted out of turn…” 

“Oh yeah, I remember. For that report on what various people were doing and saying in 1984?”

“Yes sir, for that Report.” 

“Great report, no?” 

“Brilliant, Sir.” 

“My favourite chapter was on Shabana Azmi’s films from 1984… One of them was Aaj Ka MLA Ram Avtar. I alerted the Bajrang Dal. They are planning a protest outside her house for her, a Muslim, acting in a movie about Ram Avtar.”

Whispers of ‘Chairman is hilarious’ heard.

“Sir, did you read that Arundhati Roy Chapter? She met her husband in 1984… I mean, people are dying and she was romancing out-of-caste… Why didn’t she marry someone in 2002?”

“Arundhati? Her name is Suzanne Roy. Get your facts right, or I’ll call you Raul Vinci.”

“By the way, someone married Arundhati Roy?! Mera matlab hai, Suzanne Roy…” 

“No way to tell these days, no? They don’t even change their names.” 

“Exactly, Sir. That’s why Gandhi-saab started the Sanskaari Adarsh Nari Puraskar and put Kareena on the list.”

“Did he give the award to Kareena? Or is it just a proposal?” 

“He gave her the Award.” 

“Damn it…. How can we deport a Government awardee?” Pause. “Force her to return the award. Swaminathan, you can take care of that?”

“Sir, yes sir.” 

“Sir, her mother in law? Sharmila Tagore?” 

“Begum Ayesha Sultana, you mean. Hiding behind her National Poet surname. Send her to Pakistan. She was one of the earliest victims of love jehad, poor lady.”

“Sirjee, I have an idea!” 

“What is it Damle?” 

“Sir, let’s revoke Tagore’s National Poet thingy for Sharmila’s infractions.”

“Great idea, Damle. Let’s send him also to Pakistan.” 

“Sir, he’s dead.” 

“I know that, Damle. I’m not stupid… I was speaking metaphorically. Let’s name him the National Poet of Pakistan. We’ll make that guy who wrote Vande Mataram the National Poet. Naam kya hai uska?”

“Sir, AR Rahman.” 

“Rahman!? Hey bhagwaan. Send him also Pakistan.”

“Sir, actually Rahman only composed the tune. The song was really by Bharatbala.”

“Wow, Swami. He even has Bharat in his name. Chalo, done. Bharatbala is the National Poet of India.” 

“But, Sir…”

“Shut up, Kothari…”

“Sir, what about Subramanya Bharati? He also has Bharat in his name.”

“No chance. He’s Tamilian. First-rate, anti-national secessionists. LTTE supporters. What say, Swaminathan?”

“Sir, yes sir.” 

“But Sir…”

“What is it, Kothari?” 

“Sir, why don’t we make Jhaverchand Meghani the National Poet of India?” 

“Why not, Kothari? Of course. In fact, why don’t we make you the National Poet? Viral Kothari, Rashtriya Kavi. Idiot.”

Whispers of ‘Chairman is hilarious’ heard.

“Is Mr. Kothari’s first name really Viral?”

“It’s viral, like finger. Not viral, like fever.”

Whispers of ‘I don’t understand these Madrasi jokes’ heard.

“Wow. What a name to have in today’s world.” 

“It’s a real name. It means ‘precious’ in Sanskrit.”

“Sanskrit name? Wah! You must be getting that new income-tax exemption, no?”

“I had to explain to Income-tax Department that my name was not a kind of video, but yeah. Close to getting approval for the exemption.” 

“That’s it. I’m going to change my name to Swaminath.”

Whispers of ‘I don’t understand these Madrasi jokes’ heard.

“Ok, stop this banter. Any further issues?” 

“Sir, there’s one, um, slightly embarrassing issue that has cropped up.” 

“Embarrassing?” 

“Sir, under section 2(j)(i) of the Deportation of Anti-Nationals to Pakistan Act, 2015, an ‘anti-national’ includes a person whose child has married a Muslim.”

“Ok…”

“So, sir, Mr. Subramanian Swamy is an anti-national and he must be deported to Pakistan…” 

Groans of ‘Oh, Suhasini…’ heard at the table. The entire room turns around to look at Swamy smiling beatifically at them from a photo on the wall.

“Is there no exception to this section?” 

“No, Sir.” 

Long pause. Chairman scratches his belly in deep thought.

“Ok. I’ll talk to the Minister about this. Keep the file pending. Talk to Mr. Swamy and ask him to please stop asking people to go to Pakistan on Twitter. We’ll get an amendment passed in the winter session of Parliament. Drafters these days, I tell you. Back in the Vedic times, they left nothing ambiguous… If you oppress someone, have the decency to not use loopholes. That’s what the Manusmriti teaches us.”

“I know, Sir.” 

“Ok. Who’s doing the Vote of Thanks?” 

Swaminath (name changed) proposed the Vote of Thanks. That’s the first thing he ever proposed since his was an arranged marriage. The meeting dissolved after a rendition of Bharatbala’s (New National Poet) Vande Mataram instead of the (now) Pakistani national anthem.

What ails India today

This is from the comments thread underneath this song. Unedited.

psvyt 7 months ago

Heart bleed listening this song. Indian govt killed 6500+ off innocents Sikhs youth in name of terrorist cleaning. Most of those youth were killed for getting quick promotion by police or property or personal feuds after taking money from other parties. Dont reply just because your blind faith in current Indian system. Even you are not safe. Try spitting on police or minister and see what will be result. Or just send your lady to police station without accompanying any other member. You will see result of your blind faith in your current Indian system.

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Sunny Sandhu 2 months ago

Waqt badlega

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jigger jones 2 months ago

+psvyt You fucking retards decided to seceed from India and commit terrorist activities. You only think about yourselves and not all of India as a whole! What is worse is that you took the help of Porkistan for your terrorism. Fucking disgusting.

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psvyt 2 months ago (edited)

+jigger jones Your mouth is like your mother cow ass. Whenever opens only smells will come. If God forget to give you nice face, at least speaks as man not donkey.

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jigger jones 2 months ago

+psvyt What the fuck are you saying terroist? Go back to fucking your goats in your stupid Mosque.  Stupid Mullah, piece of shit. You guys have sex with your sisters and cousins, you animals will have sex with anything that moves.  Yuck, disgusting terrorists. 

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psvyt 2 months ago

+jigger jones Go and change your nappy first. Keep lid on your cow ass mouth :-).

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jigger jones 2 months ago

+psvyt Fucking terrorist how did you get out of your whore mother's (Camel) birth canal?  Go blow yourself up Osama. 

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psvyt 2 months ago

+jigger jones One who cant respect a mother/daughter/sister can be only be a animal or kid in nappy. Go change it first. Typical hindu. Praying monkey donkey elephants your brain become one of that. I am not Muslim, but they better than you cow ass mouth.

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jigger jones 2 months ago

+psvyt It's a common tactic for Internet Muslims to defend Islam and then claim that they are not Muslim.  Anyway be what you want, but in the eyes of the world you are a faggot.  Hindus worship Lord Vishnu, Lord Shiva, and Lord Brahma (the Trinity) and the other 30 gods of the Vedas.  The Supreme God is Lord Vishnu but we are tolerant and realize that people have different natures and desires so they worship different gods for different purposes.  Anyway go suck Allah's cock you terrorist, your days are numbered.  Jews, Hindus, or some other Non-Muslim will destroy your death cult. 

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psvyt 2 months ago

+jigger jones Go change your nappy first. Breakfast time. Find a cow and drink its urine. May be your brain may get some sense. Animal. Taking about vedas and barking like donkey. Your father is a Sikh.

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jigger jones 2 months ago

+psvyt Heheheh keep trying terrorist, but go fuck your sister (camel) first, you're not you when you are sexually frustrated.  Lol, I am 100% Brahmin Hindu. There is no Sikh or Punjabi in my family.  But keep trolling, I love when terrorists get frustrated. 

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psvyt 2 months ago

+jigger jones Ha ha ha ha haa. Idiot :-). Finish your homework donkey :-). Grow up first before doing discussions :-)

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jigger jones 2 months ago

+psvyt Lol what cat's got your tongue? Have nothing worth saying?  Muslims were never great speakers and never had personas anyway.

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psvyt 2 months ago

idiot

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Achintya Srivastava 2 weeks ago

+psvyt Keep your bullshit to yourself.Pakistani government massacred millions of Bangladeshis and Balochistanis.Raped 90,00 Bangladeshi women.Those Sikhs that were killed in conflict was a result of crossfire between forces and terrorists or were involved in terrorist activities,those officers which carried out flase encounters were jailed for lifetime.And Please keep this bullshit regarding safety of women or democracy to yourself,we are way better than your sharia ruled territory with a hollow political system.Sikhs have occupied prominent positions in our armed forces,police services,administrative services and politics.In fact our ex PM was a Sikh 3 of our Chief of Army Staff have been sikh.In fact the man who finished this khalistani movement was also a sikh KPS Gill.

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