So today is Day 80 of my sobriety.  A lot has been going on around here!

I’ve been working really hard on this Gold’s Gym Challenge and had my 6 week evaluation/weigh-in last night.  I was really disappointed to see that I only lost 10 pounds!  I lost about 2 inches on my waist and another 2 on my hips but come on….10 pounds!!!  I haven’t been weighing myself for this exact reason.  Last time I weighed myself on my home scale about 2 weeks ago, it showed I was down 13.  I’m super discouraged!  So this only makes me want to step it up and really diet and exercise!

But first I have to feel better.  I got home from the gym last night after doing about 1 hour on the Expresso Bike and taking a 1 hour BodyPump class (then my fit test and evaluation) and I got one of the worst migraines I’ve had in a long time.  My migraines start off with my vision only seeing 1/2 of everything, progresses into my one of my hands going numb with a little slurred speech and nausea!  After all that goes away (in about 3 hours) then I get the crazy pounding headache.  The next day or two I’m not going to be good for anything.  Which today has been a huge challenge for me to just function at work!

Provided I’m feeling better tomorrow, I’m going to start TurboFire.  I’m going to wake up every morning and do this and then bring my work out close to work and work out at the gym there and then go in the evening to Golds.  Not to mention, I’m going to start a super restrictive diet tomorrow!  I’m going to win this!  I’ve never won a challenge (or anything for that matter) before and I want to prove to myself I can do this!!!

I’ve been doing really good with not drinking.  I’m a little concerned about a trip I just planned with my sisters and their husbands to Jamaica in September.  The place we are going to is a couples only, all inclusive resort.  I mentioned to my husband that I might just drink for the week and he got very upset.  Told me that it would be silly to drink and that I would feel so much better waking up every morning without the hangover and able to start the day early.  I do like waking up early and walking on the beach and just having time to myself.  I sure hope they have some great non-alcoholic mixed frozen yummy drinks for me!

 

So I’ve made it to day 64!  I’m super happy and doing really good!  I still wish my husband would stop drinking so much and getting drunk almost every night, but I’m learning to ignore!

I took the morning off work today to just have some time by myself.  It was nice!

I’ve been keeping myself really busy with the Golds Gym Challenge and working out constantly.  I really haven’t lost that much weight (10 lbs) but I am told constantly that that look like I’ve lost and I’m in a smaller size in clothes.  This morning I started my TurboFire series.  I want to get up every morning and do this before work!  I go to the gym after work so both combined, will really help me win!  My trainer told me that with everyone in my age group at my Golds Gym, I’m doing the best so far so if I keep going the way I’m going, I should have no problem winning our gym.  I just have to win regional, then National. But hey…why not me?  Someone has to win it.

I started my sewing class at Mood.  I’m not really learning anything more than I already know but I love being there and being in the city.  I bought this beautiful fabric for my sewing project, which is the “homely looking” dress in the other picture.  I think the fabric will add a little life to the dress 🙂

I also just finished this project.  I think it came out really nice.  I want to lose about 5-10 more pounds and then it would look really great on (story of my life).

My son and his wife came home this past week.  It was unexpected!  We didn’t do much of anything.  Played indoor golf and just hung around.  He worries me since before he joined the Navy I suspected a drinking problem. I thought he would be better once he was in but it was clear over the past week that he still likes to drink WAY to much.  My husband was making excuses for him and it wasn’t fun watching him completely wasted!  His excuse is that he’s not drinking the hard stuff (vodka – which was his drink of choice prior to the Navy) and it’s only beer.  Last I checked, you can drink beer and be an alcoholic!

Anyway, I made a few comments and snarled a little at him when he was acting stupid.  I know he knows how much I hate it but he just jokes it away.  I hope he realizes sooner – rather than later – that he has a problem 😦

I shouldn’t complain because other than that I was soooooo happy to see him and happy that they stayed with us all but one night!

So, my house is quiet again!  My dog is super sad that yet another one of his buddies has come and gone!  Since my youngest son left for college off a long winter break the weekend before.  Such a sad, sad boy!!

 

 

 

 

 

This past year, 2015, has been a very trying year in so many ways and I’m actually happy to say good-bye to it!  I feel like I’ve wasted so many years being drunk and not giving a shit about anything.  I want to take back my life and there is so much I want to do.  I’m not getting any younger and it’s time I do this!

I have so many things that I want to accomplish in 2016 that in some ways I’m hoping I’m not putting to much on my plate but in another way I really want to set some serious goals for myself.

I start the year off by competing in the Gold’s Gym Challenge.  This is a 12 week challenge broken down by age group (I fall in the 50-59 group; but I just turned 50 so I think that gives me a little bit of an advantage).  The objective is to look the best and “be” the best (by taking a fit test before/after) by the end of 12 weeks.  In addition, I am again doing the Whole Life Challenge, which is a eating/diet challenge.  I think both of these two things combined will help me be #1 in 12 weeks. 🙂

I also think the fact that I stopped drinking helps me so much.  1) no extra calories from the wine -huge!!! 2) More motivation and energy; 3) Feeling awesome from not having a constant hangover – big plus!

I also decided to sign up for sewing classes at Mood in NYC.  These classes start on January 16 (Saturday) and run for 6 weeks.  I’m turning my oldest son’s room into my sewing room since he got married in October, is in the Navy and won’t need it.  I really want to do something awesome with my sewing!

 

 

So today is Day 16 for me.  It’s been relatively easy not drinking because I’ve been extremely busy with Xmas just 9 days away.  We (husband and I or kids and I) haven’t done much going out so the temptation with that hasn’t been there and it’s been end-of-year chaos at my job so that’s kept me busy.

I do, however, have a serious complaint.  Restless Body Syndrome.  I’m not even sure if there is such a thing.  I know that there is Restless Leg Syndrome but I feel like this is more than that.  It goes up my back and wraps around my mid-section and even travels down my arms.  I can’t shake it.  Especially tonight.  UGGHH.  Could this be a withdrawal from alcohol?  I don’t know.  I feel like I should just go to bed but then I don’t think I’ll fall asleep feeling like this and with hubby snoring like a freight train.

Another gripe I have is that I don’t like my blog set up.  I really need to figure out this WordPress.  I don’t know how to get blogs I follow to show up on my page, I don’t know why when I comment on someone’s blog it just shows my WordPress account name rather than my blog name “Redneck Diva”.  This is too much for me and I don’t have the patience for it.  Hence why I haven’t really posted.

I’m crabby, and I’m sorry!  I’m tired of being fucking scrutinized by my husband about everything I’m doing lately.  If I spend too much time at the gym, he gives me shit.  If I don’t go to the gym he gives me the look that I’m lazy.  I’m downstairs right below our bedroom and I can hear him snoring.  That’s driving me bat-shit crazy!  When I actually go to bed I won’t be able to sleep anyway with him snoring like that.  If I tell him to roll over he’ll say he’s not snoring.  He’s drunk again tonight so it’s that much worse.  He knows that I need to quit drinking and is good with it but he doesn’t help when he drinks every night and gets fucking belligerent about EVERYTHING!

I do love him but right now I’m having a hard time with it all and he’s not making it any easier.

I’m tired and I just want to go to bed and wake up on January 1st and skip through all this holiday bullshit.  Bah Humbug!  This is the first year my son won’t be home for Christmas.  I’m so proud of him for joining the Navy but it breaks my heart that he’s away.  I mean he got married this year and he’s with his wife so that is good but he’s not with me and it sucks!  I hate getting older and everything changing!  It sucks!

So I guess I’m going to go up to bed and argue with hubby about his snoring and get about – I don’t know – 2 hours of quality sleep because he’s going to keep me up all night being in his drunken snoring sleep.

SUCKS!

So yesterday I really felt like a complete pile of dog shit!  I had a major headache all day and so tired.  I really don’t remember feeling that bad and having such withdrawal when I quit last time.  It seemed so much easier!

I told my husband how depressed I’ve been and that I feel so disappointed in myself for letting this drinking problem get so out-of-hand.  Also that I hate the fact that I even started again last year.  Like I’ve read in so many blogs and websites about this, he said that I have to look forward and that I can’t erase the past but just do better.

I know this and I have to think of the here and now!  It’s just so damn tough – especially when I still feel like crap and I’m just so worn out!

I have, however, been getting to the gym every day and exercising.  This morning I went to a spin class at 5:30am.  I’m going to go home and get some chores done around the house and the watch Project Runway Jr.

Also, I wasn’t really sure how today was going to end.  Last month I quit drinking for about 5 days and then my son dropped some bad news on me and I went out and bought a bottle of wine.  Last May (6 months ago) he was arrested and charged with a DUI.  He was charged with a .15 which is 2 times the legal limit in New York.  I got him a lawyer (very expensive I might add) and this lawyer has done everything possible to prolong this case. Which I believe is because he just keeps trying to soak me dry.  He sent me a Statement of Work (because he charged me another $2,500) and just an email to my son was $60.00 – really???  Anyway, last month they went to court again and they made another appointment/court date with the judge to decided if it would go to a bench trial (just in front of the judge) or a jury trial.  REALLY????  My son is a senior in college and made a very stupid mistake – they are going to trial?  I’m not minimizing the severity of drinking and driving but that seems a bit much!

I really feel like our lawyers are stretching this out as long as they can.  So I called the DA and asked if this was normal.  He was nice enough to speak with me because sometimes if a person is represented by council they won’t.  He told me that at the level he “blew” there would be no plea but he believes that since our lawyer knew that, it should have been wrapped up a long time ago.

So, today was the day the judge would decide what kind of trial it would be.  My son was due in court at 1:30pm.  He called at 4:30pm and told me that it was all over.  The judge said she wanted to decide it right there and then.  She brought his charges down to driving while impaired, a 90 day suspension on his license, $500.00 fine and he has to take a drug/alcohol class then take a drug test and pass.

I am so happy this is finally over.  This was a very expensive lesson that once he gets a full-time job, he will be put on a payment plan to pay me back every last red cent!!!!!  He could never pay me back for all my stress and worry but, hey, I guess that’s just part of being a mom.

I also believe that God is looking out for me and gave me a “free-pass” tonight and is not testing my resolve so early into my sobriety!

So, I’m super okay with NOT having a celebratory glass of wine tonight, instead, I’ll have a cookie!

So I’ve been a bit MIA.  I was going to cancel my blog all together but something just keeps me wanting to hang on to it.

While I was gone (from here) I found out that I DON’T have Atherosclerosis.  The doctors misread my first test, put me through a whole other battery of tests and found out that I do have the arteries of a 50 year old (my age).  Surprise!  All that worry and panic and I’m just fine – except for my (pre)diabetes.  While this is very good news, I’ve been struggling badly with my drinking problem/alcoholism.

Last year I quit drinking for almost 7 months.  And on Thanksgiving, my sister came into town and I thought “hey, I’ve got this” (like what Unpickled wrote in her recent post).  I really felt like since I wasn’t struggling, I must be able to control my drinking if I just have a couple while my sister is visiting. WRONG, WRONG and WRONG!!!

Well, a year later and boy-oh-boy have I spiraled out of control!!  I started off slow (trying to keep it manageable) but within just a month I was drinking at least a small bottle of wine a night.  Some nights I don’t even remember going to bed (that’s embarrassing) and I hosted Thanksgiving and forgot to put out three things.  Four days straight I had an awful hangover where I couldn’t do ANYTHING during the day.  I was just good-for-nothing!

I’ve said it before but this time I really mean it.  I’m done!  I 100% believe that I’m worse this time that I was the last time I quit over a year ago!  I’m super depressed, I’ve gained more weight than I care to mention and I look and feel AWFUL all the time!  I can’t imagine what my liver is doing!  Since my relapse last Thanksgiving, I’ve tried quitting a few time but I know that my heart wasn’t in it!  This time…my heart, brain and sole HAVE to be in it.  It’s a long time coming!

The funny thing is, is that I was just telling a friend of mine how much better I felt for those 6+months that I quit.  I can’t wait to feel that way again.  But first I have to get through the withdrawal….which will suck, but I’m ready for it!

Day 2 – I still feel like I have a hangover from yesterday not to mention I slept like shit last night – expected!  Day 1 I was just a “placeholder” at work (which means I pretty much just sat here and did what I could do just to get through the day.)  Today I feel like I’ll go to the gym after work and get some much needed laundry done when I get home.

When I drink I neglect everything so not drinking I can at least get some stuff done that really needs to be done.

I’m ready for a better life.  I’ve seen the light before and it was great!

I recently returned from a weekend in St. Louis with my sisters.  I’m originally from St. Louis but moved to New York when I was 16 with my mother.  I then met my husband the first week in my new high school and the rest is history.  My mom moved back about year after I got married.

Anyway, I turned 50 in August and decided I would celebrate by going to St. Louis and letting loose a little.  I made the decision mostly after I was first told that I may have this artery problem and thought “why not just do it”.

One of the best nights while I was there was going to see Toby Keith in concert!  Boy it was HOT!  I never sweated so much in my life when I wasn’t working out.  The best part of the whole night was the great seats my sister Shelley got!  3rd row – left!

This picture is me having a great time!

See him right in the back over my right shoulder…your left?  It looks like we were further back but there was a “pit” where you could be right up there but it was only for standing.

I really miss being around my family in St. Louis.  I’m going to have to go there more often!!!

Thanks to my two awesome sisters for giving me the most awesome 50th birthday weekend EVER!!!

With my new found quest to lick my atherosclerosis, I have been looking at different diets and healthy eating.  Of course sugar is a huge NO-NO on every diet.  Especially the Whole Life Challenge (which I’m starting on Saturday) and the Alkaline Diet which I plan to incorporate into this challenge.

During my “googling” I found this episode from John Oliver.  #showusyourpeanuts!!!  I also found the cranberry part of this very very amusing!!!  * a raspberries enema – hahahahaha!

So I’ve had a few days for this Atherosclerosis “thing” to really hit me and to start thinking about next steps.  It seems that my past habits have been the biggest contributor to this condition.  My doctor did tell me that my many years of smoking was pretty much the culprit but I have to guess that my alcohol consumption didn’t help either!  According to what I read, it does fall as one of the biggest contributors.  I also have a sneaky suspicion that my 10 year Red Bull addiction (4 a day) didn’t help matters – there are reports of Red Bull causing “sticky blood” – just saying!

One thing I read last night that the best thing I can do is stick to the “Alkaline Diet”.  It seems that high acidity in your diet causes your arteries to thicken as well as produce a lot of plaque.  This diet seems to be really beneficial for a lot of other ailments but I haven’t really delved into all of it yet.

This Alkaline Diet is mostly eating clean while eating a lot of foods and drinks that are high in alkaline:

• • Cucumber
  • Sprouts (soy, alfalfa)
  • Kale
  • Kelp
  • Spinach (baby and grown)
  • Parsley
  • Broccoli
  • Sea Vegetables (Kelp)
  • Grasses
  • pH 9.5 alkaline water
  • Himalayan salt
  • Lemon water
  • Watermelon
  • etc.

The list is very long but those right there are the top dogs when it comes to alkaline.

You are not supposed to eat or drink:

• ALCOHOL!!!!!!!!
• Processed food
• chicken / turkey (which I will continue to eat)
• red meat
• breads/pastas, etc.
• fried food
• sugar
• Crap in general

Ironically, I’m signed up (and have been signed up) for a Whole Life Challenge at work – starting this Saturday.  Ironically, because this challenge is very similar to how I need to be eating, except on the challenge you can eat all kinds of meat.  I just know that I have to limit my meat intake dramatically, but other than that I will just incorporate these high alkaline foods into my diet.  As well as drinking high alkaline water such as Smart Water or Fiji Water.

I plan to research this a bit more but this seems to be my best option and best choice.  According to the book I read last night (it was very short), there is a possibility that by eating this way I might be able to reverse some of the damage done.  It will be interesting to see if it works.  I have to get scanned every six months so I’ll be able to report back.

As for not drinking, I thought that would be easy-peasy since I HAVE to, but last night I was incredibly cranky and I’ve been sleeping like SHIT!  I remember for all the other times that I quit that this is so typical.  For some reason I thought it would be a easier since I have all this other crap to worry about.  I hate how it really has such control of me.  It doesn’t help any that my husband continues to drink every night.  Although he doesn’t drink wine (he drinks beer) it still is such a lack of support and help for me when he is so insensitive.  I can’t imagine how unsupportive he will be with this new diet.  But, honestly, he’s really never very supportive so why should I expect anything more.  He talks a good game but when push-comes-to-shove, he’s the first to get wasted and then to eat a whole thing of Twizzlers or candy in front of me.  It’s kinda sad really!

One thing I must remember is that acidity in our bodies is also produced by stress, so I must not let my husband or anything else stress me out (good luck with that).

I have this song in my head – all day today!!!

It really reflects how I’ve been feeling lately.  The main verse of the song is…

• Do you know where your going to?
• Do you know like the things that life is showing you?
• Where are you going to?  Do you know?
• Do you get what your hoping for?
• When you look behind you there’s no open door

I don’t know.

This year has been just one thing after another.  My Navy son decided to get engaged in July and married this October and recently I’ve been dealt some really shocking, crazy, horrible, (non of these words are right) news.  I went for a yearly physical and this year – since I turned 50 – they decided to do a coronary sonogram (there’s a much fancier name for it but that is what it is).  It shows that I (being 50) have the arteries of an 85 year old.  Not only to do I have excessive plaque build-up but the walls of those suckers are thickening.  I went for further tests last week and will follow-up with an echo-cardiogram of my heart on October 1st, but the doctor confirmed the initial test results.

At first the head of this CPP program said that since my cholesterol is very low, that he thought this could be a genetic problem but the doctor I saw last week is saying that after reviewing my records, he believes it’s from years of smoking.  I’ll admit, I smoked off & on for about 30 years but he said that some people get cancer, some get emphazima (spelt wrong) others get nothing – I on the other hand got this – excessive atherrosclerosis.

So, what to do??  I was told to not smoke… check…I haven’t for over 10 years.

I was told to:

• moderate drinking (one glass of red wine a night).  Hahaha..I know I can’t moderate so now I HAVE to stop and that was discussed with the Dr. at length and he agreed that I have to stop completely
• start eating healthy – you know – like my life depends on it…cuz it does!  I was also told I was prediabetic which falls into the eat healthy and exercise thing.
• start taking a baby aspirin a day and to also start a regiment of vitamins that the doctor suggested

I decided to take last weekend and drink my last few glasses of wine, have a really carb’d up dinner of pasta and go out with a bang.  My last drink was Saturday night, my healthy eating starts today and I will get back into my exercise routine tonight.

To get through this I need to journal my journey.  So I’m going to write and log a lot of crazy things about diet, exercise, my medical stuff and just life in general.

DO YOU KNOW, WHERE YOUR GOING TO?  DO YOU LIKE THE THINGS THAT LIFE IS SHOWING YOU? – not really but I have to deal with the cards that I’m dealt.