Happy knews guys! About one week ago I got to know I have been accepted in a university of applied sciences to study about nursing. So now my main goals are:

1. Be a lawyer/Get my dream study place
2. Write and publish a book
3. Travel

I´m more than happy but I want people to remember/know that this hasn´t come by an easy way.

As long as I remember I have wanted to be a lawyer (From secondary school). I had a vision: I´m going to go the university right after my graduation and show people what hard work can do. I did that but my brain couldn´t take it anymore. No matter how much I read the information just didn´t stay in my head. It was clear that my brain was “overheated” from too much reading but unfortunately I realized that too late.

So I didn´t get in, I was alone, without a studyplace and without workplace, trying to get some help for my anxiety and depression.

 

In difficult moments I found a lot of comfort from people who were in the same situation as me.  I didn´t want to give up from my dream after just one try so I decided to try again.

The next spring  I felt stronger but still, something went wrong. I remeber that crushing feeling when I read the second time from my phonescreen:”Unfortunately, you didn´t get in”. Even my friends who were one year younger than me get to study for they first try, or at least most of them. Why not me?

I was thinking do I want to try again? For the third time, which isn´t actually much when we talk about law school. There was just one problem: I coudn´t find any reason what went wrong in that second time . It couldn´t be about my workload because that was huge. Maybe law school just wasn´t a right place for me? Whatever those reasons were I knew I didn´t have anything more to give. I was too tired.

It was time to try to find new dreams. 

Sociology and medical care had been on my mind before but Law school was always number one priority. Thats´s why it felt like giving up if I would suddenly try different way just because I couldn´t get in the other place. But I thought that it isn’t silly to follow your dream for ages if you really want that dream to come true. It’s silly if you’re not sure about your dream. I wasn’t anymore.

It takes great courage to try something new and interesting because you will never know if you never try. So I read some information from the internet and realized that Social and Health Care could actually be a more suitable place for me. Also, I admit that it felt scary to think about that even people younger than me got into university before so I didn’t like to wait my turn anymore. Still I’ll say in the end it doesn’t matter if it takes one or five years to get to study your dream career, especially if you will use you your free time wisely!

Well anyway, lawyers protect people and nurses heal but both of them help people in some way, and that’s what I want to do.

The first time I was probably too confident about getting in so the disappointment was big when I didn´t get in. My points from the tests were still good so I wanted to try again.

Spring was hard but rewarding. I read like a crazy for the entrance exam, working at the same time about two times a week. I got through the exam and was invited to an interview. About a month later I was back at the work when I got the results.

Two years after the high school were the worst of my life but I also want to remember them in the future because they taught me so much about surving. Life does not always go as planned but that is not the most important thing. The most important thing is that after the disappointment, you will get up.

 

Right now, many others are in the same situation as I was before. I hope my message reaches them and gives them hope to try again. If you dream is something you want to do or want to see, don´t give up about it! Sometimes dreams take time before they will come true. If you hesitate and want to try something new, do it! I did and I´m sure it will be worth it :).

 

Playlist for those who have been beaten but still want to believe. This helped me so I hope it will you too 🎶

1. Shakira – Try Everything (From Zootopia)
2. Demi Lovato – Confident (from Ballerina)
3. Pink – Just Like Fire (From Alice Through The Looking Glass)
4. Within Temptation – Iron
5. Planes Ending Credits – Nothing Can Stop Me Now
6. Fifth Harmony – That’s My Girl
7. Havana Brown – Warrior
8. Kelly Clarkson – The Sun Will Rise
9. Jacquie Lee – Broken Ones
10. Colbie Caillat – Try
11. Digimon – “Butter-Fly” (ENGLISH version by AmaLee)
12. Hans Zimmer-One Day (Pirates of the Carribean-At the world`s End)
13. Is She With You? – Batman v Superman Soundtrack – Hans Zimmer & Junkie
14. Little mix – Salute
15. Simon Curtis – Superhero
16. Sia – The Greatest Ft. Kendrick Lamar

This is something different than what I have written but it’s an important topic for me and many other people too I bet.

Like I have told before my father is from Turkey, mother is from Finland. Even my dad has lived here about 25 years and speaks finnish fluently, sometimes I can see that he still carries his own chilhood and culture with him. I can’t take that away from him but there comes a day when I wish I could.

 

In life there are things that have been self-evident to me throught my chilhood: parents should be respected and obeyed, father is the head of the family and he is never allowed to shout at. It’s because of my father I became a person who desires justice and appreciates hard work. On the other hand, his political views are not the same as mine (For examble he supported Donald Trump, I supported Hilary on the United States presidential election). Not to mention sexual orientation which is still very sensitive subject in Turkey even though same-sex sexual ativity is legal.

 

When I first thought I might be anything else than straight, the idea that both or one of my parents wouldn’t accept me made me angry. I think parental love towards their children should rise above everything. After all, my father has said many times he loves me. Would my sexual orientation change that?

Barely, but he still might never accept my sexuality. But could it be even possible to love someone if you don’t accept some part of the person?

Yes, I think so, at least if we talk about parental love. My father has cried out to me because I answered his question:”whatever”. He has made me cry because he thought I didn’t answer his question quickly enough.

However, I know that he can also be a gentle and loving father. His way of showing love is just similar to what he has received from his parents. His religion ja culture is important to him and I should respect that. He can’t change his past and get rid of his traumas so therefore, I can not insist that he suddenly would change his opinions and accept my bisexuality.

Unfortunately, there are parents who left their kids because of their sexuality. I am extremely close to mine so that would crush me down. You can see I have mixed feelings about my parents; I love them but I hate the thought that they might not accept me. I would do anything that they could just be proud of me.

Some parents, like mine, try so hard to be good that they can feel their childs suffering. They feel sad for me because I am dissapointed to myself and I am even more sad because I think they are dissapointed to me. Feelings like these make my mental illness even worse even I am sure my parents wouldn´t want that.

It took me some time to realized that it’s okay even feel hate towars your parents. In reality they are just people who make mistakes and have their own traumas that they grew up with, so it’s okay to put some emotional distance between you and your parents to protect yourself. In the end when it comes, it´s their decision if they want to be part of my life, whether I would date a girl or a boy.

I want to believe that most of the parents want their children to be happy but sometimes they might not realized that our happiness is always not the same as they have thought. Some parents accept that, some parents don’t, but it’s good to remember that this is your life and you can make your own choices. Sometimes those choices can be hard because they might seperate you from your parents but in the end your own is what matters. If your parents love you they will come back to you, I am sure.

My father has said he just wants me to be happy and have a good job. I hope he will still say those things when/if I’ll tell him about my sexuality, some day.

 

Let´s be real: the title is lying. Usually we don´t completely get rid of mental health problems. However we can learn to live with them.

I’m not a doctor so if you feel like it I hope that you will go to meet one (Later I’ll tell you my own experience). These tips are only from what I have felt, seen and read.

1. Analyze your feelings. Where are those depression and anxiety coming from?
   

   First, I suggest that you start to think about your feelings. Usually there are more than one reason for mental health problems and sometimes it´s hard to find even one reason. Don´t worry, take your time. Is there certain situations where do you start to feel sad or nervous? Is it something someone has said or done? Do you feel any physical pain in those situations or just randomly? Can you do something for it? You can write your thoughts down if you want.

   If your life seems to be good from the outside point you might even feel guilty about your feelings. Please! Don´t ever feel guilty about how you feel. If you feel sad, angry or nervous that tells about something and that something needs to be changed.

2. Get in a routine
   

   When my high school ended and I didn´t get to shcool, I started to go to open university´s lecture. That gave me inspiration try to get again into university, I saw how studying about law would be in the real university and it gave me feeling that I´m doing something useful for my future. Routins makes you feel that you are accomplishing things. As you start to feel better, you can add more challenging daily goals.

3. Relax 
   

   Haha yeah we all know that; we just don´t do it. Why? Because whe have been taught (including me) that we have to be hard-working, get good grades and do many things at the same time. When should we have a time to just sit down and do nothing at all?

   It is true that not everyone needs eight hours of good night sleep but less to do their work. However everyone needs to calm down and find their best way to forget their thoughts and tasks just for a minute. The information is not going to your head if you are just reading and reading without a break (Trust me, I know). So try to find what is your best way to relax? Here are some of my ways:

   – watching pictures or videos of guinea pigs (So cute <3) – Reading good fanfiction (Gets me forget simply everything, even time…) – Calling to my good friend and talking at least one hour – Writing my stories – Taking short nap (Usually 15-25 minutes it is best for me)

    

4. Find your passions and goals…
   

   I think that this tip means: “find the reason(s) that makes your life worth living.” I personality don´t like to make daily or monthly goals because they give me too much pressure (My study schedule is exception) xd. Instead I simply have “bucket list/Life goal list” because I am a true dreamer from my heart. Think about things you love to do, places you want to see, books you want to read, things you would like to learn… If you would like to travel, could you try to find some job and save money for that? Or if watching every season of your favorite TV show makes you happy, then do it! Especially after long study session.

5. … but don´t be too hard on yourself.
   

   Again, setting goals can be very frustrating. One of my biggest goals last year was to get to study and when that didn´t come true, every other cool things I did didn´t mean anything to me anymore. Then I read a humorous finnish book about life skills which was actually the best one  I have ever read. It said that life really is unfair and sometimes bad things happen without reason. That is a simple true thing that is easier to accept than to think that there is something wrong with you or bad things happen just to you.

   So what am I trying to say? I guess… you should just do things you enjoy and be proud of yourself, about what have you done. Getting out of your bed and surviving through your day when lyou just wanted to stay home, is being a true hero. And then next day, maybe you can do something that takes you a little bit closer to your dreams.

6. Stop those negative thoughts
   

   Most of the mental health problems are, well… mental, so negative thought are the worse monsters. I don´t ask you to think positively because I know that isn´t easy but it takes practise. I think you should again analyze where all those thoughts are coming from?

   When I was a child, I didn´t have a lot of friends and my best friend just left me. I´m over it by no but I´m still very sensitive when it comes to friendship, thinking about things like: “Why didn´t they invite me? Did I do something wrong?” I try to think realistically when it comes those negative thoughts: “Is this really true or does it just seem that way?” “People make mistakes, I do too.” What is the worst thing that could happen if I fail?” “Is this worry realistic?”

7. Read other peoples´s stories
   

   In my gap years I have found relief when I have read people’s stories who are or have been in the same situation. I have also read stories about closed-bi people and it makes me feel better when I know that I´m not the only one. For example if you are planning to tell something important for your family, you can ask from others in similar situations and what they have done. You can just Google, but some (such as sex crime victims) also has their own phone number.

   I don´t just mean the ordinary people. In fact, I also love to read stories about celebrities who have come through difficulties, to victory.

8. Go see the doctor
   

   The threshold to seek help for examble from a doctor or therapist can be high. It takes time, money and effort. You might fear that people don´t first believe that you need help. That is at least what happened to me.

   My good friend Henna (Follow her blog: “my gab year”) told me to get some help because I coudn´t surive alone. I was really anxious, depressed, and I didn´t see any hope in my future. Now I understand that the majority of my feels were connected to the fact that I demand from myself always more and more. The first doctor I met was nice, but I know that she found it hard to believe that me, smiling and polite girl could be depressed. She believed only when at the end of the meating I filled some papers about my health (You know those-are you depressed- tests where is some questions).

   I´m not trying to insult anyone, just saying that don´t ever let anyone tell you that you don´t need help or you are good on your own. Getting to therapy took me about half a year but it was worth it. So don´t give up. Beating depression and anxiety is a long progress but you are growing from it.