Shredding baby shower invitations since 2012

I can’t believe tomorrow is my last appointment at the clinic (as long as the news is good, of course). It doesn’t feel real at all. I spent yesterday baking some cookies for the women at the office. Is there anything lamer? But what can you do? How do you properly thank these people? We are totally broke after all the money we have paid to this office, but it’s almost not enough. Our money isn’t enough thanks. I don’t really know how to express my gratitude. Even though I still don’t believe in my heart that I am pregnant, despite what the mirror shows, I am so grateful that they got me pregnant. After the years of struggle, they did what we couldn’t: they got the sperm and the egg to come together. Not just once, and not just twice. While we transferred two, we still have eight frozen blasts. I keep telling myself that we are so done after this, because I do not enjoy this one bit. Pregnancy is terrifying. I really wish they could figure out how to have men carry the littles, because DH would be *so* much better at this. Anyway, will I go back to this office? Ever? I don’t know. They changed our lives, and I sort of don’t ever want to see them again. Ever.

I will let you all know how the appointment goes tomorrow. I actually have an hour-long appointment with the nurse at my OB’s in the morning in order to go over my history. I will race home to meet DH, and he will drive us to the clinic for the last ultrasound. A week from tomorrow, at exactly 12 weeks, I will meet with the OB for the ultrasound and to figure out what comes next. I have no idea what tests to do, I have no idea what makes sense, I have no idea about anything. There is still so much that can go wrong. As a friend said, well, welcome to the constant worry of motherhood. Good grief, am I cut out for this?! Anxiety is at full throttle!

This article (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kathryn-kefauver-goldberg/a-twin-moms-post-infertility-survivor-guilt_b_4466210.html) pretty much sums up my everything these days (I’m so annoyed that I can’t get the hyperlink to work – sorry!). I could have written every word myself.

So Saturday night I get a text from my former nurse at the clinic. She left the day before my first beta for a new gig that would give her much more normal hours, more flex time, etc. She has five-year-old twins (thanks to IVF) and a 1-year-old (a shocking oops! baby) at home, so of course she wanted a more family-friendly schedule. But man, I was so sad when she left. She was the one I mentioned who squirreled away almost $5k in drugs for us; she is amazing.

Her text was a picture of a gorgeous rocker, with the caption “call me.”

I drove out to her house an hour away yesterday, thinking I was picking up this awesome rocker. It turns out she not only had that for me, but a little baby bath bassinet, a thing that baby sits in and plays with stuff on a table (wow, I am such an amateur – I have no idea what these things are called!), and another thing that a baby lays on and looks up and there’s little colorful toys hanging from it (again, no idea what it is called). She also stuffed a huge bag of baby onesies in my car. But what really made me lose it? She gave me two enormous garbage bags full – and I mean so heavy I could barely lift them – of maternity clothes. I cried. See, when I had to decline the job, I knew I was also giving up a return to a lifestyle we used to have. We aren’t in the poor house (yet), but we are still paying the bills from my cancer surgery in 2012, we still have fertility bills to pay, we still have tens of thousands in student loans, etc. etc. et-freaking-c. I figured that I would go to Goodwill and just buy really big clothes; I had no illusion that I would be able to invest in some cute maternity clothes. And that was okay. I mean, look at Syria. It was okay.

But when I got home and opened these bags, and saw so many cute shirts and dresses and pants, I lost my shit. I so lost my shit. These clothes cost her thousands and thousands of dollars. I’m no fashion mogul, but I know my fancy jeans, and these are $200+ maternity jeans. About 20% of the clothes STILL HAVE TAGS ON THEM. She never wore them. Ever. She and her husband were thanking *us* for taking this stuff off their hands. WTF. Unbelievable.

Finally, today is our 2-year anniversary! Well, it’s our 2-year wedding anniversary. We got legally married at a courthouse in February 2012, and then had a big celebration in September. I love this guy more and more every day. I never thought I would get married. My parents had a pretty bad marriage (my dad was killed by a drunk driver when I was 12, and my mom calls her marriage her “coma period,” because my dad was a closeted gay man), and I just didn’t really think I would meet someone who would put up with me. I’m really set in my ways, I’m pretty introverted, I am the most anxious person I know, etc. etc. And then this super laidback, incredibly gregarious, ridiculously kind and funny and brilliant and good-looking guy shows up in my life. And he thought I was pretty alright. I hit the jackpot. I have a hard time with the word “blessed,” like when people say they were blessed with a baby, or blessed that they didn’t get on a flight that crashed, and I just find that so offensive on many levels. But I still haven’t found a better word to describe how I feel with DH other than blessed. I am incredibly lucky. Happy anniversary, sweetie!

Wow, wow, wow. I haven’t been to therapy in a very long time. At first I thought it had been since graduate school, but then I remembered I did go for awhile when I was living in Nowhere, VT, after leaving my doctoral program.

I really like this woman. She was referred to me by a friend in town whose husband works with mine and who thus has the same insurance I do. What a *great* way to seek mental health care But I really lucked out.

I feel hopeful for what this woman and I can accomplish in these sessions. I have some really dark places associated not just with the pregnancy but with all the stuff that has preceded it in terms of giving up a career, failing to make it down this road before and fear of failing again, living in this town after some years in much bigger cities, really tenuous relationships with my in-laws that seem to be worsening rather than improving, and resolving some destructive habits so that I can be the best person, wife, and mother I can be. I said some things out loud today that I just really needed to say, and it is amazing how just speaking your truth can make your obstacles shrink from enormous and grossly-misshapen monsters to smaller, hopefully more manageable, albeit still ugly, versions of themselves. I have so much to work on, and I feel good about the fact that I took a step toward healing and getting better.

I read so many blogs and if someone who usually posts every day doesn’t for a few days, I’m like, OMG WHERE IS SHE EVERYTHING BETTER BE OKAY HOW CAN SHE FAIL TO UPDATE. And then I log on to my own site and realize it has been almost 2 weeks. Nice.

Maybe because there isn’t much to report? I’ve had two ultrasounds since I last posted. Yesterday was the most recent one. The babies are measuring right on schedule. Baby A’s heartbeat was 179 and Baby B 163. Those are apparently perfect; they like to see them between 120-180 at this point. I’m still having daily spotting, and the progesterone suppositories are NASTYASHELL at this point, but the subchorionic hemorrhage has pretty much resolved, which is good. I have one more appointment in 2 weeks with the clinic, and then I will be released to my OB during week 11. My amazing nurse at the clinic just keeps saying, “honey, it really looks good. Everything just looks perfect. You are having twins in March, mark my words.” That’s so sweet, but this still doesn’t feel real. I wonder if this is common among women who have dealt with infertility. I’m way more excited about other people’s pregnancies than I am my own. I won’t look at anything baby-related, I won’t even consider nursery nonsense, I can’t even really think about it. For these reasons, and many others, I made an appointment with a therapist. I am really struggling to be positive. It could all be taken away in a moment, and I don’t want to be caught unprepared. I realize that this goes for life generally, and I need to figure out a way to manage this anxiety.

In other news, I was offered the fancy job! And… I had to turn it down. I can’t travel to the Middle East right now, I can’t imagine being put on bedrest again while trying to get myself situated at a new job, etc. And good lord could we use the money. We just got another bill for almost $4000 from the clinic, bringing that grand total to almost $20000. We are one income. It isn’t good, not good at all. My husband is a huge hero, working his ass off, never making me feel bad about any of this. I suppose I do that enough for both of us. He always tells me, “you have ONE job right now, ONE JOB. You keep taking care of those babies.” But what about my career? I spent 10+ years learning Arabic. I care deeply about that part of the world. What about that? It just sucks that life is on hold right now for me on that front. And it might be easier to deal with if I actually felt pregnant, if I actually could internalize that there are 3 hearts beating in my one body right now. I can’t. Please let this therapist be somewhat helpful on Thursday! 🙂

Thanks for all the lovely notes of support, fellow bloggers! Last night was terrifying, but things are much better today 🙂 I went to the clinic this morning and both babies are still there, still growing, and still going strong! In fact, their heartbeats are now at 125 and 127!!!! This is a huge relief. Unfortunately, I do have a subchorionic hemorrhage, which you can see very easily on the ultrasound. These things must come on fast, because there is no sign of one on the pictures from Monday’s visit. I can expect more bleeding, they said, but it should resolve soon. I am now on progesterone 2x/day, and I need to stay more horizontal than I have for now. The hemorrhage is below the babies, though, so if I have to have one, apparently this is the best place to have it. Rather than have me wait 2 weeks between ultrasounds, they are going to have me come in weekly. I go back on Tuesday. Oh, I cannot begin to describe the relief.

I also have my fourth interview tomorrow. They have already contacted my references, and I think that if it goes okay they will offer me the job. After the scare this week, and that the clinic wants me to spend more time off my feet, I have a feeling that I won’t be able to take the job. I guess I should just wait to see how it goes!

Again, thanks so much everyone. I’m spending the rest of the day with my magazines, crappy TV, and food 🙂

I just started bleeding. Could be because I stopped estrogen today or could be much much worse. 7 weeks today. Clinic an hour away and I will go in first thing in the morning. They told me to do another progesterone suppository so I did that (twice today instead of once). I’m freaking out. Please babies just hang in there!

Not up for writing right now. Brief update: both heartbeats were there, loud and strong. Unfortunately, both were only 109 bpm. The clinic folks were not too worried; they just said, wow, both Baby A and Baby A have grown very well, everything looks great, we just hoped to see 120+bpm. Next scan in 2 weeks. Unless I completely lose my shit and go in earlier because I cannot manage my anxiety at all. I am really sad. I need these babies to be okay. I need our babies to be okay.

DH was at work by 7AM today so he could leave early to take me to our appointment this afternoon. I really don’t feel ready to go to one without him. As I mentioned before, this ultrasound is taking place because we didn’t get to hear the heartbeat (we could only see a flicker) of Baby B last week. Baby B is hopefully like his or her papa: laidback, chill, and never in a hurry. Really hoping we hear both heartbeats today. Really hoping they are strong. Really hoping they are kicking ass and taking names. I had a rough time sleeping last night; I’m not sure I actually slept more than an hour. My boobs are killing me, and so my usual belly sleep is not really tenable. I also feel some cramping/pulling on my right side. This freaks me out, but maybe it’s just my uterus expanding? Look at me, all hopeful instead of fearful. It’s a farce, trust me.

I picked up a book about expecting twins and am in total shock at what I am expected to consume. 3,500 calories a day!?!?!?!?! 80+ grams of protein for now, but soon nearly 200 grams? They also say that I should gain over 50 pounds in order to ensure that the babies are as big as possible. I’m tall (5’10”) and my pre-pregnancy weight was 165. I haven’t stepped on a scale since, but they may ask me to today. If I’m not up 10 pounds already, I will be shocked. If anyone else out there is expecting twins or has already had them, please let me know what your experience was. This is nuts! Exciting… but INSANE.

We saw the little beans! Baby A (our expanded blastocyst, aka Husky) is huge and we not only saw the heart beating but heard it too! Baby B looks like s/he implanted a day or two later, so we could only see the flicker of a heartbeat (couldn’t hear it), which they said is normal. So the clinic wants us to come back on Monday. We will hopefully be able to hear and see everything at that point since I will be just about 7 weeks at that point. The office seems pretty optimistic,  but y’all know how I feel. One. Damn. Hour. At. A. Time. I really wish I could have a glass of wine to calm my nerves tonight!

Tomorrow is Ultrasound Day. Of course I cannot think of anything else.

I’m trying to be okay with the bad. I’m trying to imagine myself in the room in 22 hours, with the NP fiddling with the wand, staring at the screen, trying to find a heartbeat – just one, not even two, watching her face fall, and then making eye contact with me. I know too much to pretend this can’t happen. Indeed, with our luck and history, I can’t say I would be surprised. There has simply been Too Much Good News the last two months. It can’t possibly continue, I tell myself. We still have 8 frozen blasts. We can try again. We will be okay.

But the truth is we may not be able to try again. Yesterday was my third interview, and they pretty much said I was their top candidate. I was called today for a fourth interview. FOURTH. This is truly absurd. I joked with the administrative assistant who called to schedule it for next week that next time she calls it better be for an appointment with Obama. If I meet with anyone higher up than I will next week, it will be with the president of the university. Yes, it is for a professional job, but um, it isn’t *that* professional. I’m torn about whether I even want it. It is a perfect fit for my experience and CV, but I sort of fell into this career. I never really made a conscious choice. And I care about food more than I care about anything in my current career, honestly. And I might be happier with more flexibility right now, so maybe I should consider visiting with a temp agency to work part-time in an office. But we could use the extra income. It is good money, and I’ve been out of work for over a year pursuing fertility treatments. I should probably suck it up. Of course, that’s if I can pass a hair test. Oh yes. Have you ever heard of such a thing? I used to smoke pot pretty regularly in college, but had quit for over a decade at least. It just wasn’t my thing; cigarettes and wine were my things. As someone who then had cancer in 2012, I used marijuana occasionally for anxiety. When we were trying to get pregnant, my RE – who did his fellowship on the impact of certain drugs on fertility, including marijuana – didn’t think pot was as big a deal (for women – CERTAINLY not men) as the pharmaceutical sleeping pills I was using for insomnia. I quit the sleeping pills, but still occasionally used pot to relax at night. Not a daily user at all, but a few times a week, probably. Obviously I haven’t touched it during IVF treatment, but there is no way I’d pass a hair test; it needs to be at least 90 days. It’s so paternalistic! I’ve worked in the government and non-profit and university sectors, and I’ve never even had a urine test, let alone a hair test. This is so stupid. Does anyone out there watch Scandal? DH and I bingewatched the first three seasons during our 2WW, and he thinks I need to go Olivia Pope on their asses. When the test comes back positive, I should say “Um, I had cancer. Can I get back to work now?” Also, it is basically legal. Stahhhhp all this nonsense, America. Stop it.

So IF I take the job, and IF I pass the test, I wouldn’t really be able to go back and forth to the clinic an hour away if we needed to try IVF again in the event there are no heartbeats tomorrow. My husband calls this me worrying about something that hasn’t happened yet. 🙂

Is anyone else at six weeks and STILL PEEING ON STICKS? Why. Why. Why. What is wrong with me? I could absolutely have lost these two embryos and the test will still show up positive because … science. And yet for some reason it comforts the nutjob in me for at least 34 seconds. Then I go insane again. I don’t think this level of crazy can be cured.

What’s cooking tonight? I’ve got a huge cabbage salad – tons of veggies and herbs, some poached shredded chicken, and a spicy peanut sauce – on tap. Can’t wait. Plus it will make enough so that I don’t have to cook tomorrow in the event we come home and I can’t function.