Looking for answers to life's questions

A Stiff Drink!

It’s been one heck of a month. I don’t know where to start since I’m not sure I remember most of it. I think that’s why I write morning pages, a nightly gratitude in a separate journal from my nightly journal dissecting the day. It must have been a fun month. My hard drive is overfull at my age that so much what happens, walks away in minutes. Unnecessary fodder. It’s quite interesting, this getting old stuff.

I’m just under the wire to write about this crazy month. That’s what December has been. I worked hard at getting gifts made, and baking a few things, some of which didn’t come out well. A few of the gifts are back on the list for upcoming birthdays…again. But I did get things made that had been troubling me. When things don’t work out the first time, I get shy about trying again, with a steep learning curve in place. I’m still learning how to use the Bernina for embroidery and the new embroidery software to create my own work. Who needs puzzles or word searches. I have machines that puzzle me.

That goes for the one I’m writing on tonight. It was working so well last night as I went through photos and checked out a few blogs to visit. This morning, nothing. I sent a text to TS. Tech Support came immediately and checked out the machine. How often does that happen to most folks? He took it home with him and had to wipe it completely for a fresh start. I spent most of the afternoon and evening reinstalling and making things work again. Hence, the need for a stiff drink. So, I broke down and made one for myself. I got out a very tall glass, filled it with chocolate ice cream and some milk and added a generous splash of Godiva Chocolate liqueur. It helped me write this at the end of a long full day. 

How often do you have those kind of days, if at all?

Happy New Year to all of you.

From my heart to yours,

Marlene Herself

The Whoosh

Waking up in the wee hours  this morning, I realized the month was at it’s end. How did that happen? Did anyone else feel it whoosh by? I “was gonna”  get a post written before Thanksgiving to show you what I have been working on.

 

How do I turn this old nightgown into a pillow cover?

In October. I put up a few decorations for Halloween, took them down and continued putting up autumn and Thanksgiving decorations. I don’t have many and now, no great place to put them. There was time spent in contemplation over how to adapt what I have to my new surroundings. I spent a LOT of time contemplating.

Waking at 2:30 a.m. I realized I had contemplated my way through two months and had not heard the whoosh of time flying by. I make lists of things I’m going to do today. You already know where this is going. I can hear you laughing from here. Instead of looking at the list, I scroll Facebook or my news feed. Procrastination at it’s finest. The pile in the sewing room is deep so I add baking to my list. The autumn tub of decor is in my car waiting to go back into storage as I put up my 4 foot fake trees. One inside, one on the porch for the wind to blow over. I have wrapped my plants in bubble wrap, hoping they survive the winter.

My entire contribution to Thanksgiving meals

I had three free turkey dinners this month. Two weeks of the creeping crud the PA I went to said was affecting everyone and indefinable. I just gave into the malaise and watched some very odd movies. At some point there was the bright idea that if I made so many squares a day, I could have a Christmas quilt done in time. I’m now wondering what year I was thinking it might be finished. You can laugh again now. I am.

There are 4 squares sewn to paper

4 more of the 15 done. Only 57 left to go.

I’ve done a bit of corresponding while trying to clear that crud out of my head on so many levels. I got two replies on the same day from two different friends in two parts of the country; each now caring for husbands with Alzheimer’s. My heart hurts for them but I know they are up to the task.

Lights up in the sewing room. I was hoping my friend, Everett could see them from his place. Not enough of his vision left.

Tech Support took my neighbor Gene  to see his first optometrist in five years. His pressures were a bit high so they are watching for Glaucoma now and the cataracts are not quite ready for removal. Gene is so happy to have new glasses and frames. He said he sat on the last pair. TS took me on a separate trip. I picked Gene’s glasses up with mine.

Tech Support’s new shirt from his wife

If you figure out how to stop the whoosh or when it stops, let me know. The older we get, the faster it blows. There are many who would like to know. Hope you are enjoying the breeze.

“Time is a dressmaker specializing in alterations.”Faith Baldwin

From my heart to yours,

Marlene Herself

14 Year Anniversary Achievement
Happy Anniversary with WordPress.com!
You registered on WordPress.com 14 years ago.
Thanks for flying with us. Keep up the good blogging

I waited another week to post because I knew this was coming.

I find it hard to realize that I have been in the blogging world 14 years today. This last year has been the hardest of them all. I’m slowing down on every level and adding another short move in the middle of it all, has slowed things down even more.

I could be a prime candidate for an ADD diagnosis as my thoughts are all over the map these days. I’ve had a lot of things going on; some fun, some not so much.

I’ve had some odd medical challenges this last month. Test for ulcer came back negative. Smashing left index finger in the car door was a negative… activity. It’s still ugly and hurts but time is all that would work on it. The next day the left knee went out again and is not restoring itself as per usual. Just so you know, everything happens only on my left side. It’s weird.

A neighbor came by to ask how I was doing after the smashing of finger and brought three quilts she made with the scraps of fabrics I gave her. She does her sewing and quilting all by hand. Her disability makes sitting at a machine difficult. I can only say I was seriously impressed. I haven’t accomplished that much with machines to do the work.

I managed to drag myself to crafts a couple of times to be inspired once more by these very productive women. I wasted a lot of time moving stuff around so I could pass an inspection that didn’t happen after all the hype about it.

In case you are wondering, I have given away so much fabric. Here is what I gave my DIL who used it for the mats at her preschool. I didn’t realize I had a photo of it to remind me of my letting go process. I’m working on a few other things that just haven’t been photographed yet and are nowhere near completion. Will it happen when my mind is all over the map?

Decorating for Halloween this year was another challenge. With no hall walls to protect my hangings, very little went outside and there was no good place left to hang inside that I decided to use a bookcase as a wall. Everything changes. Everything. Including my mind. I can spell my name again after stopping pain meds and am so grateful for spell check. It doesn’t get everything but more than my feeble thought process. Let’s hope there is a year 15 to celebrate. If not, I’ll just do what I can and go scare someone with my scary quilter T- shirt when this laundry is done.

I’m a scary quilter all the time.

No wall space so bookcase will have to do.

Happy Halloween

From my heart to yours,

Marlene Herself

Fall Y’all

I couldn’t wait to say that. All summer with our 90 plus degree weather, I wanted to say it’s finally fall y’all. I was watching the branches on the tree outside my bedroom window turning yellow in spots. There are no leaves, just feathery branches. Summer is lovely for the extra light and the growing of things. I’ll miss it, though not the high temps.

tree outside my room

You can feel the change in the air, in your knees and your need for naps. All change is exhausting, even when it’s good. I’m almost 5 months in my new place. With just moving my stuff a short trip uphill; it was still a lot of change. I was pretty squared away and happy at how things were shaping up when a couple of friends from the old building came for their first visit. We sat with munchies while I got their take on my new space. Then we heard a crack.

Back cracked and shelf fell down.

My IKEA bookcase didn’t like the third move. The back cracked and let the shelf fall. What does one do when this sort of thing happens. Ignore it till company leaves and then call Tech Support. It has been such a busy month for all of us and we were hoping for some breathing space. Oh, well.  The kids said there was a smaller bookcase in the family garage waiting for a yard sale or I could have them pick mine up and repair it. I chose both options. They can sell the IKEA bookcase instead.  In the meantime, my space began to look like I was moving again. Books everywhere so I have culled once again. These “accidents” always have a reason. Every trip the kids make here sends them home with something more to re-home. I’m still culling in every corner.

Once again chaos in living space

At the beginning of the month, I finished my couch quilt. It’s one of the first to be completed in the same year it was started. It turned out a lot bigger than I expected. The picture always makes them look so small.

My group of quilters asked me to join them for the 9/11 ceremony where they distribute quilts to veterans and first responders. There are a lot of talented women working all year on these. I get very emotional but decided to go at least once. It was a very moving ceremony. I brought tissue. They made 22 quilts this year. These are just a few.

The red-white and blue quilt I made a couple of years ago is still hanging outside my friend, Everett’s apartment. He touches it each time he passes it and says a quite prayer. There it will remain just for him. He’s an old Marine and shares stories on occasion. He laughs and says he knows where all the missiles are buried since he put them there. Apparently, they were moved often. Life can be funny when you listen to other’s stories.

It’s not on my wall anymore.

I’m working on several projects at once but fall has shown up and I’m distracted with the cool crisp air and the creek of my knees. How did that happen? I don’t remember that every happening before. Did I get old or something?

I’ll bet most of you are lovers of Autumn season. So happy fall, y’all.

It’s that time of year

“The weather just went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper.

From my heart to yours,

Marlene Herself

A Deep Breath

I’ve noticed lately, after writing my morning list of things that need to be done today, that I’ve been holding my breath for a substantial amount of time. What is it about life or is it our individual personality that makes us try to cram 48 hours worth of stuff into a 24 hour day?

Scrap fabric card

The last 2 months have been crammed so full, that I often catch myself not making use of the oxygen being pumped into my nose all day long. Everyone tells me to just relax and enjoy. Is that word even part of my vocabulary or allowed by my DNA?

Should have been last years birthday gift. Finally sent.

This time of year is birthday bonanza for many of us. I like to help friends who have no family celebrate. My friend Everett turned 90 mid July and we made as big a deal as possible of it for him. Many pitched in for the cake, ice cream, and a few gifts to let him know that we all cared.

Then our friend Gene had his 71st birthday with a cake and ice cream shared again with all coming to the Senior Center for lunch. He operates on his stomach and loves very spicy foods so his little gifts had a flavorful touch. I realized later, he couldn’t open the jar of jam on his own. The things we take for granted!  It was such a crazy day, I didn’t even get photos of him or the cake. Sigh.

New spicy chips to try

spicy chocolate and jam

Today would have been my mother’s birthday. I always think of her on this day.

My DIL had a birthday this month and we celebrated over a weekend. I had a plan to make something that still isn’t done. The learning curve was deeper and a bit more frightening than I’d hoped for but it will come to fruition soon. I need to bolster some courage. I did help by making a pasta salad to feed the group. I made up the recipe to suit my own tastes with pineapple and kielbasa sausage.

He baked and decorated by himself

Salad means anything goes, right?

I’d made it for the Christmas in July potluck our quilt group had and they didn’t complain. They added more projects to the list I already have and attendance had a couple of requirements.

I’m going to say that I have found a lot of very creative people to hang out with who inspire my desire to be even more productive and creative. Now, if they could add a few more hours to the day, a little more juice to my waning energy level; there is a small inkling of possibility to breathe life into the ideas that occupy a major amount of space in my noggin. Now, what was your name again? I don’t seem to have space up there for the details. What do you mean by there are only 119 days till Christmas. Deep breath, deep breath. Remember to breathe.

Do you ever get to where you find yourself holding your breath or forgetting to take one?

“Remember to breathe. It is after all, the secret of life.”
Gregory Maguire,   A Lion Among Men

From my heart to yours,

Marlene Herself

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Social Skills

That’s a huge subject and of all people in this world, I am the least qualified to articulate on this subject. It came up in written  communication with the oldest of my brothers. He wondered why we were raised the way we were. I explained that is basically what my memoir would be about should I ever get it written. The subject would take a book to explain.

NOT A DROP OF RAIN

To start with, we spent our formative years living by very strict rules. We saw very little of our father who was  often away on military duties. Mom ruled us with an iron hand for many reasons. Raising four children mostly alone while living in military housing that could have no damage or fingerprints on the walls was quite the task. As an adult, I have to applaud her for raising us to be productive and law abiding citizens. What we didn’t learn was social skills.

IT LOOKS LIKE IT’S ON FIRE

We were not encouraged to have friends nor were any welcome in our home. We all became more or less, self-contained. I was the family caregiver and took life very seriously when at home. Away from home, I talked too much and wanted to make people laugh and be happy. When I spend time with those I want to entertain and cheer, I come home and admonish myself. My energy is drained and depression sets in. I was eventually diagnosed with social anxiety but knowing that doesn’t help much.

TORNADO SKY

Understanding why was huge. Our mother was raised during WWII in Hitler’s Germany. She was also not allowed friends for safety reasons and if she became acquainted with someone, they were vetted with microscopic scrutiny. She struggled with relationships her entire life. including with  her immediate family. We did not have conversations; we followed orders. None of us came by friends easily, and when we made one, accidentally, we moved and lost that connection. I have moved more than most but not as much as many. I found that I share too much, talk too much and often give too much in order to make friends. I join groups hoping to make one close friend somewhere.

NO GAS REQUIRED TO GO TO COFFEE

It’s also why I loved blogging so much. I found acceptance here that I didn’t find anywhere else and you go with me through so many of my moves. Your acceptance has helped so much with self acceptance. When I was asked recently how to have a conversation with people they didn’t know, my response was immediate. Ask them questions about themselves. Then listen to the answers. Most people want to be heard. That’s my greatest struggle. Listening without interruption. Life is a lesson. Everyone is our teacher. I’m still a student.

How are your social skills and how did you learn them?

I consider social skills a bit like learning a language. I’ve been practising it for so long over so many years I’ve almost lost my accent. ~ Daniel Tammet

From my heart to yours,

Marlene Herself

Feng Shui Flu

Moving is not for sissies. I’ve done it 37 times now. Years ago, it was so simple. We moved by the pound with bare essentials. I envy people who have things  saved from their childhoods. My children have none of that. When you have to fit everything into a small U-haul that goes behind a regular car, little comes along for the ride.

I can’t see the old apt now. Out the bedroom window

My son kept telling me this would be the easiest move of my life. I was only going up the hill, after all. They were going to do all the work. That’s exactly what happened but this time, I have stuff. Lots of it. Did you know the German word for fabric is “stoff”? That makes me laugh so hard. At the end of my life, I have more stuff and stoff than any sensible person would think necessary. I finally have treasures and creative materials. The kids brought it up to my new quarters and left me to finding it all a home.

That’s where Feng Shui comes in. It’s an ancient art of placement to enhance flow and fortune in your life. It starts in your home. Even the placement of the home has a lot to do with it. My daughter and I learned a lot about it from one of the first friends I made when moving to Arizona in 1999. This same friend talked me into writing a story for each of her anthologies.

Version 1.0.0

Sharyn had been teaching Feng Shui even before I knew her. She has even written a couple of her own books on the subject. When you move the ancient part aside, you realize it’s just part of the physics of energy. Everything is energy and you slow it down or speed it up by the level of blocks you place in it’s way. Probably not the best explanation, but that’s how I understand it. When I look around and see clutter, it slows down my creative process. I want to get lost in something else and not look at it.

There is a saying in Feng Shui that if you want to change your life, move 27 things. I was moving EVERYTHING! I felt so drained these last weeks that I thought to myself, I must have Feng Shui flu. (It couldn’t be old age) Laughing at the thought, I asked about it. Yes, it’s a real thing. How to find relief was the next question. I finally asked the kids for more help. I know they are already overloaded with so much else. I got moved to the top of their long list and it helped so much.

They came over and hung quilts and pictures getting them off the floors and tables, bringing order and personality to my space. I actually had room to sit at my sewing machine and hem a shirt. Each day, I move something out the door or off the floor into it’s permanent place. When it’s completely orderly, I will host an open house. I won’t wait till the lace curtains are made for these windows. Temporary covering will have to do for a while longer. Yes, the flu has gone and I’m feeling grand and ready to be creative once again.

Sunrise out my bedroom window

Have you ever had a case of what may have been Feng Shui flu?

https://www.juliemurphy.com/feng-shui-flu

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.’ – Helen Keller

From my heart to yours,

Marlene Herself

All Summed Up

It’s been the busiest spring I can remember. The weather here went from one extreme to another in less than a month. I will say, it was more than perfect for the move! As soon as everything was moved up to the new place, the winds moved in at 40+ mph but the sun was shining. I count every small blessing.

Right outside my living area window. Lilac bush

It’s been insanely hectic around here but the news is ALL good. Just when I thought we had been ghosted, I got an email saying Gene had been approved for long term care and disability. I cried with relief and happiness. Then came the rest of the process. Another meeting with his caseworker as she tried to find a person to do in home care of under 25 hrs a week. That will help until he moves to the next level of care. Just getting on the list is huge and will provide many of his needs as he continues to age. His doctor prescribed physical therapy for him which will hopefully be picked up by the new insurance. It’s a lot of change for him but he recognizes his need and is willing to accept it. That’s huge in the overall scheme of things. This coming Tuesday, he will meet with a potential caregiver that may help him with many of the tasks he has difficulty managing. Finding someone that’s a good fit isn’t easy. After that meeting, he has another follow up with his doctor so it will be a long day for all of us. My son is our driver and helper.

Such a beautiful view

As for me, I am completely moved out of my old place two days early. It’s clean enough that I would be comfortable moving back into it. I’m fussy about clean vs tidy. I can live with some clutter but it has to be clean. My cleaning woman saw flooring that hasn’t been seen since I moved into that place. She worked so hard in the hour she’s there to get the floors all mopped and vacuumed. I have no carpet up here in the new place and that’s a good thing in so many ways. No pins in the carpet in the sewing room. They were shampooing the rugs down there yesterday after showing it to a potential renter.

Now comes the fun part of moving in to the new place. Boxes are everywhere so finding what I need is a giant puzzle. I’m getting there, slowly. That’s the fun of it; if I allow it to be fun. I took a day and a half to rest, taking care of the business of moving with address changes on everything including renters insurance. Hoping to get the chance to make this place a home but life offers no guarantees. I do know I’m in love with their laundry room. My clothes are happy in those washers.

Are there any changes in your world? Are you having fun with them?

Let your home be your mast and not your anchor. ~ Kahlil Gibran

From my heart to yours,

Marlene Herself

Gypsy Unrest

I have always said ‘there is a gypsy in my soul’. Years of moving as an Army brat and then an Army wife created that perfect storm in me. I can live in a state for many years and move several times. Even if it is just across the street.

I don’t know how many others feel the unrest in the atmosphere these days. I’m one of those people that “feels” things deeply. I’ve had a hard time this year settling. Writing my morning pages with the plan for the day is intended to quell the anxiety and give my day purpose. I swear the ink isn’t even dry before something happens to put the whole day on another trajectory. What do you do when nothing is working as it should?

April sunrise in White Mountains of AZ by TS

If you are a gypsy by nature, then the natural thing to do is to move house. A year ago I put in an application for subsidized housing at the apartments on the hill behind our building. I rented the place I’m in three years ago and within three months, the building was sold to an out of state landlord who has phased out all subsidies and gone to market value pricing. I started out at market value thinking I wouldn’t be around long enough to need the subsidy. I was incorrect. As one person after another moved from our building, up the hill to keep a roof over their heads, I felt certain I would be ok. It was time to rethink that idea.

Another AZ sunrise by TS

As you know so well, everything has it’s good and bad side. Tearing myself away from where I’m at is uncomfortable; but white walls, more light, no one living over me so I can sew at 4:00 a.m. or 9:00 p.m. without disturbing anyone, and the certainty that my rent will not change substantially, ease some of my anxiety. Not all of it though. My kids keep saying it’ll be the easiest move ever. Where have I heard those words before?

The rest of the uncertainty has been the constant re-sending of documents for my neighbor, Gene, only to be ghosted when I ask what the status of his application is currently. The last Doctor visit we took him to a few weeks ago brought some progress with the doctor ordering physical therapy and doing his part to try and go through a back door to get Gene on some kind of assistance. Gene’s social worker came by Wednesday and repeated the doctors words. “I see so many on disability that do not need it to the degree that Gene does.” Gene just keeps smiling and resurrecting his “I can do it” attitude. We have found out that he will probably if not certainly qualify, but there are no funds available to pay anyone to help him. He has to wait till his number floats to the top. It’s heartbreaking on so many levels.

Then I have gone on to injure a weak knee by doing something healthy. I started doing my Qi Gong routine again after too long an absence. Nothing like warming up slowly. Lesson learned. I did go to see my Primary care person. All is well now. And my lungs tested better than last year. I didn’t know that was possible!

Are you feeling any unrest and how are you dealing with it?

“Things have a life of their own,” the gypsy proclaimed with a harsh accent. “It’s simply a matter of waking up their souls.” ~ Gabriel Garcia Marquez

From my heart to yours,

Marlene Herself

Forward

The earth’s magnetic field is moving, continents are splitting, life as we know it is changing and we wonder why we are feeling so frenetic and fragmented. I’ve been working hard at trying to stay focused on good things while still keeping up with what is happening in a world I have no control over other than my own attitude. I do have quiet meltdowns on occasion and allow it. It purges my anxiety so I keep moving forward. Few are immune to the disturbance in the universe.

Almost no snow this year but loved the full moon Feb 12

I couldn’t write, sleep is illusive and good sleep is rare. I’m not alone in this, I’m certain of it. My brain often doesn’t connect all the dots these days so everything takes a bit longer. I’ve been away from reading here so listening to books while I sew brings a little stability. I have a lung function test coming up that concerns me. Trying not to think about it. Forward is the only direction I can go.

A charity quilt done by my friend Jackie. I love the colors even though I’m not a fan of pink

We are on our fourth try to get my neighbor on disability or long term care. It should be so easy but I’m hearing from so many that this is the norm. In the meantime, Gene is alternating between his walker and the electric chair. He’s hoping not to lose the strength in his legs completely but fell again this week. Fortunately, the gentleman my cleaning person found for Gene was there and she had just dropped in to check on them. They knew how to get him off the floor safely. Synchronicity? I love when that happens. Henry will be helping Gene until the state approves some help. Those that donated to his wheel chair gave enough to cover several cleaning sessions and he sends his gratitude and appreciation. Here you have it in a nutshell why I’m mostly frazzled. It will get better.

In the meantime, I’ve kept my hands busy with creative projects that popped up. The Tuesday afternoon crafts group was looking through the tubs of donated stuff to see what could be made for the time between Christmas and spring. My eyes hit this panel that had been there so long it had an awful odor to it. It was a soft flannel and begged to be out of the tub. So I took it home, washed it and found it some friends in my stash. It was a quick project, though not on the list. It pushed it’s way to the head of said list as many things have lately.

I couldn’t let it languish any longer

I’ve been doing some projects for charity to give back for all I have been given. My quilting friends have offered so much good advice and I was happy to find an outlet for some fabric that needed a good home. The small quilt will go to the hospital’s children’s recovery department. The placemats will go to Meals on Wheels recipients.

 

How do you use creativity to move forward?

From my heart to yours,

Marlene Herself