I’m home sick today and have been using the time to catch up on family emails and announcements, specifically the announcement that I am remarrying Matt.
I stumbled across this song on YouTube and I’ve been brought to tears by it twice now. It seems the perfect song for people recovering from an affair or in a broken marriage. This is for that person looking for hope. My hope that my husband is still my husband deep down.
THIS IS MATT.
MY OFFICE TENDS TO PLAY A LOT OF OLDER 90’S POP, COUNTRY AND ROCK MIXES DURING THE DAY. USUALLY I TUNE IT OUT THE BEST I CAN BUT TODAY I FOUND MYSELF LISTENING TO IT A LOT MORE THEN I NORMALLY DO.
THIS SONG BY LEANN RIMES (ODDLY ENOUGH, SHE WAS CONSIDERED A HOMEWRECKER AS WELL.) CAME ON. AND IT WAS SOMETHING THAT I IMMEDIATELY CONNECTED TO SOMETHING KEELEY HAD SAID TO ME WHEN WE FIRST GOT TOGETHER. KEELEY HAD SAID SOMETHING ABOUT ME BEING HER HEARTBREAK. HOW IT’D BE ON HER IF I HURT HER AGAIN.
I KNOW WHAT I DID WAS THE WORST THING I COULD HAVE EVER DONE TO KEELEY. EVER. AND ALL OF THE THINGS LEANN RIMES SINGS IN THIS SONG SUMS US UP IN SO MANY WAYS. EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT I WILL NOT EVER MAKE THIS INTO A MISTAKE. I LOVE HER. AND I KNOW HOW TO TREAT HER CORRECTLY THIS TIME. HER LOVING ME IS NOT GOING TO BE WRONG ANYMORE, THAT’S MY PROMISE TO HER.
This is not about moving on from Matt’s affair. Just a disclaimer right now.
Sunday marked four years since the loss of my last pregnancy. That day, four years ago I woke up happily pregnant with my fourth child and by that night I was curled up in a ball sobbing between my husband and my father. I suffered an ectopic pregnancy. Matt and I had called the baby Stella. Even though we don’t know whether she was actually a girl.
I didn’t realize it was the anniversary until we sat in church. Matt was on the outside of the pew and our two children sat in between us. My oldest sat on the other side of me. When I suddenly realized what the day was I apparently gasped because my 16 year old immediately asked me if I was okay. I don’t think I have ever had a panic attack until that moment. The swiftest that was Matt getting me out of that pew was amazing. The sobs that escaped me were muffled by Matt’s chest. It probably was quite the sight for anyone who dared to peek at us in the sitting area. If I could have crawled inside Matt at that moment, I probably would have. Somehow though I think that moment was good for us. We had a moment of grief together that we hadn’t allowed ourselves in years.
Later that night, Matt and I sat together in the all-season patio of our house and watched the street. I’ve taken to playing Pandora often throughout the house and this was no exception. The song, “Hallelujah” came on by Rufus Wainwright. This song was very telling of the relationship of Matt and I. We were quiet. The tears spilled over and suddenly I felt him closer and we just leaned on each other. Hallelujah is suddenly a song that not only reflects our new beginning or our past. But also our loss of Stella. Somehow Matt and I continued on and we found our hallelujah once again.
MATT:
HELLO…THIS IS MY FIRST POST, MY WIFE HAS OBVIOUSLY BEEN THE ONE WHO HAS BEEN ON HERE THE MOST THE LAST COUPLE OF DAYS. AND I APPRECIATE THE CHANCE TO SEE HER THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS IN A PLACE LIKE THIS.
KEELEY AND I DIVORCED BECAUSE I CHEATED ON HER. I CHEATED ON HER WITH A WOMAN WHO THROUGHLY ENJOYED THE IDEA OF BEING A HOMEWRECKER. THERE IS NOT ANOTHER WAY I CAN PUT THIS. I HAVE NO DOUBT THAT WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN HER AND I WAS HER FIRST TIME AND I KNOW IT WILL CERTAINLY NOT BE HER LAST.
THE IDEA OF CHEATING ON KEELEY NEVER ENTERED MY MIND UNTIL THE WEEKS AFTER THE LOSS OF OUR DAUGHTER TO AN ECTOPIC PREGNANCY. I KNOW, I’M AN ASS. I COULDN’T BARE THE THOUGHT THAT KEELEY AND I COULD CREATE A LIFE AND THEN LOSE IT SO QUICKLY. I CONVINCED MYSELF KEELEY AND I WERE TO BLAME TOGETHER. SOMETHING WE WERE DOING WAS WRONG. AND I ASSUMED THAT IT HAD TO BE THE WAY I LUSTED AFTER MY WIFE, EVEN AFTER SO MANY YEARS.
SO WHEN THE HOMEWRECKER OFFERED HERSELF UP…I DIDN’T RESIST. I ALLOWED HER TO USE ME AS I USED HER. MY ANGER AND MY GRIEF ALL WAS EXPRESSED IN EVERY MOMENT I ENGAGED WITH HER.
THE GRIEF EVENTUALLY WENT AWAY FROM GRIEF OVER THE LOSS OF MY DAUGHTER TO THE GRIEF OF THE FACT THAT I WAS CHEATING. ON KEELEY. AND EVERY NIGHT I WENT HOME TO SLEEP NEXT TO HER. IT WOULD HAVE KILLED ME EVENTUALLY HAD KEELEY NOT FOUND OUT.
I WILL RIGHT MORE ABOUT THIS LATER…BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW I AM THE CAUSE OF THIS DIVORCE. AND I WILL SPEND EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE MAKING SURE KEELEY KNOWS I LOVE HER. THAT I WILL NOT STRAY AGAIN. THAT I AM STRONGER. THAT MY FEARS AND HURT OVER THE PAST IS GONE. THE ONLY THOUGHTS I HAVE OF ARE KEELEY, MYLES, ANNABELLE, GEORGE AND THE TWO LITTLE LIVES WE’RE CREATING.
THIS WAS ME.
Last night, Matt and I found ourselves in a particular situation.
We made the mistake of going to start packing up things at his apartment and decide what, if any, will find their way back into our home. The only problem with this, is we didn’t take into account how bad the snow storm would be that hit the state. We knew the numbers, but they assured us on TV that everything would be fine. Bitches.
We ended up snowed in. The car as hard as I hit that gas pedal and as much muscle he put into moving it, wouldn’t budge. So we stayed in the apartment. The same apartment that he shared with another woman, seven months ago. You can imagine, I’m sure how uncomfortable I felt in this place. A place that I had hardly spent more then 5 minutes in when I would drop my kids off.
Matt and I are engaged and will be married within a month’s time. We have also decided to do things a bit different then our last engagement. Everyone has their own thoughts and feelings on pre-marital sex. Obviously, as I’m pregnant, we didn’t follow that. Nor did we follow it during our first engagement. Matt and I had decided to not engage in it until our marriage. Or, I guess, I requested it. I wanted to know that he was not in this re-marriage for sex.
Last night I almost broke my own request. Being in an apartment with no cable, no Ipad, none of my own books or magazines, is a little boring. And the fact that Matt is a handsome man, was not lost on me. But he surprised me. HE stopped me. I can imagine the reaction to one of our readers, yes, HE stopped me.
That fact is not lost on me either. I’m thankful that he’s respecting my wishes and not taking advantage of a situation as he could have. Thank you for that Matt.
Keeley:
My soon to be husband, for the second time, and I have decided to start this blog. In an effort to better communicate and better understand each other. Matt and I married in the early 2000’s and divorced about three years ago.
We are the proud parents of three beautiful kids. Myles, is 16, and from my first marriage. Annabelle is 8 and George is 5. We are expected twins later this year. More about that later.
For now…welcome.
Inner Thoughts of a Second Time Around...