Today is an extremely frantic day. I read blogs, and love them. They keep me grounded. I love to write. I love the idea of writing, I love words, I just have problems writing as fast as my brain thinks. By the time I start to write, my brain switches gears and has moved onto other more important topics. I look back and remember so many started blogs but have only finished 2 of them. And by the time I actually finish each blog I look back and think it is both boring and jumbled. And so I have decided to write smaller and hopefully more focused blogs.
Life is so complex. What does it mean when you have to see another person so that they can tell you why you are the way you are. What in my life has caused me to be who I have become and what can I do to become a “normal individual”. I have made a list of situations that have occurred in my past and have shaped me.
- I was put up for adoption at birth by a mother who had an affair with another married man because she was in a bad relationship at the time with 6 other children and was told by her husband that he would not accept me.
- I was adopted by a man and woman who were unable to have children naturally but kept trying and adopted 2 children. But after adopting me the woman became pregnant and miscarried and suffered severe depression. As a result, we never bonded and I always had the feeling that she resented me.
- My older adopted sister and me had a normal sister relationship. Love hate and we were getting closer as we got older. Four days before her 18th birthday she jumped 17 stories to her death in Hawaii where she was living at the time.
- After the funeral, which I never attended because I was a runaway at the time, my “Mother” informed me that I was no longer welcome in her home and that I would never be anything like her or amount to anything as she shoved a picture of my sister in my face. I said nothing, as I grabbed my garbage bag of belongings
- My “Mother” was an alcoholic and a narcissist, my father was a man who bowed down to her and became an alcoholic as well for quit a long time. I really don’t remember a whole lot about the man. He was really not there for me or anyone.
- I then married my “Mother”! I married a narcissist and I’m stilled married to him because I didn’t know he was a narcissist. Hell, I didn’t even know that I suffered from depression or anxiety or social anxiety until the age of 47.
- I became an alcoholic slowly some time after my third child was born and before my “Mother” died of alcoholism in 2009. And because she died and I inherited money from her estate I was able to get away and get sober in 2010. How ironic.
I maybe sober and not want or need to drink, but there are so many other things that need fixing that I think the drinking thing was one small grain of sand in an angry ocean…
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