It’s Taking A Village

Yes, we are moving on again.  I am not going to post a link, but if you are interested in following us on our journey, please email me at itstakingavillage at sbcglobal dot net.

The new site is barely up and running, but I’m definitely feeling good about this!

We met with the RE on Thursday.  An extraordinarily long appointment, it was also very good.  We had a consult wherein she helped us in deciding that our next try will be a medicated IUI.  This is something we’ve done before, but never under the care of an RE.  So, being that I was on day 9 of my cycle that day, we determined to wait until June.  If June doesn’t work we are moving to IVF and not looking back.

I feel really good about this scenario.  Our RE didn’t seem worried about our lack of sperm and nearly just as positive about our chances for success with IVF.  We’ve conceived before and I have nice regular cycles with the exception of the OPK problem (it just never gets that dark for me. And, please don’t suggest the digital ones – those never turn positive for me at all. At least with the strips we have some sort of color indication.  It’s a pain in the patoot!)

Tomorrow I will begin my new supplement protocol: loads of folic acid, some B vitamins and more.  I will also start making calls to find the cheapest and most reliable pharmacy.

Chances for twins on this try (if our swimmers swim) is about 20% with chances for pregnancy (same caveat) at about 32%.  Fingers crossed that our swimmers do their job and that we get pregnant.  Super bonus points for twins.

On a tangentially related note, today is mother’s day.  I’ve been quite emotional on and off all day.  We’ve had plans to have lunch with E’s dad for quite some time.  As I readied this morning I realized that our very first mother’s day was spent with him and our new son.  We were on pass from the NICU for a few hours and were able to take A with us to brunch.  It was a sad and happy occasion all at once.  I was so desperate to bring our child home.  All I wanted was to be a family without the hubbub and interruptions of the hospital.  I was so angry that we were still there while also being confused about what it meant to be a mom since in my three weeks of being one I had hardly had the chance to actually try my hand at it on my own.

I’m so thankful that this year I celebrated his birthday without much thought of the chaos that ensued shortly after his birth.  Mother’s Day, though, seems to be reminiscent yet of the pain that I endured as a new mother scared for her child’s life, and – more accurately – grasping at a chance to being her new life through a postpartum haze.

I guess I’m a bit surprised at how raw it can all be still. It might be in part due to the fact that I love being a mom so tremendously that this day is an emotional day- and probably will be the rest of my life.  I love being a mom.  My son is the most amazing person I have ever met, and he makes me feel amazing.  I’ve never loved so deeply or so completely.  I want so terribly to have another child because now I know what it really means.  It means that I will grow, love, learn, laugh – unlike anytime before.  It means that the world isn’t about me anymore, it’s about something so much bigger and greater: my child.

Happy Mother’s day.  Happy Mother’s day to my son, my wife, and me.  Happy mother’s day to my unborn (and un-conceived child/ren.)  Happy mother’s day to those who are still trying for babies, to those that have lost babies, to those that have babies, and to those that have anyone they take care of.

I’m a terrible blogger, and apparently somewhat insecure.  Thanks for the support.  I think I needed to hear that my (and E’s) feelings make sense.  In the context of what we’re doing here, why should biology matter, right? I mean, E isn’t biologically related to A at all- yet by giving him a full bio-sibling (if it even works) somehow endorses the fact that biology is important.  I think it’s the irony of my feelings that have me so unsettled.

Regardless, I appreciate the props. I certainly feel much better.

I think we are going to try in May just one last time in case it works.  I had that really (very, Very, VERY) slight positive HPT last month (with a crazy AF to follow), so there is a very small chance that it might work. (I mean, smaller than most other people’s chances – but since there is  a chance it’s worth it.)

We had originally set up the IVF appointment for June 8th; however, they called and asked if we wanted to move up to next week.  Um, HOLY SH*T!!! I”m totally freaking out.  Sure, my last post seemed like I was unsure it was the right thing to do, but I was grossly omitting the fact that I’m scared.  It is SO much money, and what if it doesn’t work?  Then we will have wasted the dollars and we will probably get pregnant with a different donor using ICIs (which I totally think we should have done in the first place, but with Fai.rfax out of our guy….)

Our families are quite in the loop, and I’m not sure how I feel about it.  E’s dad is great, but my one sister just doesn’t get it.  I love her to pieces but she made the joke (in a completely loving way, but it was still tiring) “just drink too much wine, that’s what worked for us.”  Ugh.  My other sister is pregnant. Also a bit annoying b/c she just went off bcp in order to get ready to get pregnant this summer and it just happened.  Why can’t that be us?  She feels bad about complaining about it to me, though, which makes me feel better (selfish, eh?)

I’m both freaking out and kind of sad.  I just wanted to get pregnant – this should have been our time since it took us 26 months with A.  On a good note, if this works, we only tried for four months and then moved on- much less taxing on my spirit.  Another good note is that we could end up with twins.  Yes, I’m weird.  I want twins. I want a houseful of kids and I really want to be done having babies. I just want my family. I just want my whole family to be here so that we can live life together.

A turned two nearly two weeks ago.  He is so big!  We took last month off, which was good in retrospect.  I always hated doing that sort of thing. 

We have an appiontment with the IVF clinic next week.  It looks like we’re moving in that direction.  I just want A to have a full bio sibling.  Does that seem strange?  With the bank out of our swimmers and our swimmers swimming only marginally….

thoughts?

E and I have some major thinking to do.

Cramping, cramping, and more cramping.  I knew we weren’t pregnant (backed up by 2 negative HPT)s, so yesterday didn’t even test.  Then I had cramps all day without any sign of blood.  Nothing.  Nada.  Ok, last month I started spotting two days early, this month I cramp like he** and nothing!

Of course I convinced myself to take a test.  Negative.

This morning still nothing.  Argh! and a negative HPT!  To make matters worse, I looked at last night’s test again (yes, pulled from trash) and there is an unmistakeable faint line that appeared 8 hours later.

WHAT IS GOING ON!!!!!??????????

I’m expecting the spotting of AF to begin tomorrow.  Not yet sure if it will be am or pm, but I am guessing this cycle is over.

Strange day for sure.  Last night the OPK was kind of dark.  OPKs and me have never really meshed well.  We finally realized – around the time we conceived A- that my “dark line” wasn’t going to be as dark as the line illustrated on the package.  Anyways, last night’s OPK wasn’t quite to where I would have called it a positive, so I expected one this morning.

This morning’s was a positive, but not as dark as I would have expected either.  Regardless, given the info, I expected ovulation tomorrow (Friday) a.m.

So, I was a bit surprised when at 2:30 I had some undeniable ovarian cramps.  I thought it a bit early and gave it nearly another hour, but when the cramping didn’t cease, I called the doc.  Of course, the nurse told me there was no way she could get us in.  I cried – geniuinely – and she actually went to ask if anyone could help us.  Yes. 4:15.

So, that was good news.

Dr. H. came in – also good: our doc was there for the insem, and told us that she thinks our donor is somewhat sluggish, especially compared to other frozen vials they have.  She is now recommending that we do another insem tomorrow, and that we seriously consider a new donor.

So, that’s pretty bad.  Not as bad as if she were to say, “look, I know you got pregnant once, but there is no way this is going to work again b/c your body is no longer working, and there is nothing I can do about it.”  Still, the chances of having a full bio-sibling are seriously dwindling with this news, especially since there is no more of our donor at the bank. BLECH!! Bad.

I’m somewhere in between.  I think I’m actually o’ing right now, 6 hours after the insem, which is pretty good (if we had decent swimmers.) I’m cramping though, again. Ugh.  Worse, E and I are struggling with what to do about our languishing swimmers that cost oodles of money and may be completely worthless.

Dear God,

Please, please, please let this work.  Please spare us from another grueling process. Please give our son a sibling. I know he will make a good big brother.

Amen.