Dusty

It has been ages. 

Long overdue wishes. 

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MH17

Condolences. 

Tenanglah dikau semua di sana.

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Eid Mubarak

Forgive me for all my sin

To you, 

To everyone too. 

O Allah. 

I am thankful for what you gave, giving and will give. 

I am nothing without you. 

For that I am very thankful. 

And embarrassed too. 

Thank you for Ramadhan.

Can't wait for the next one. 

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I got this.

Total endurance. 

High on, cool off. 

The madness within.

The meaning of being. 

Stay. 

Holding on. 

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Old

Sweetalking what? 

Out of context. 

Out of reality.

Get used to it!

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Circle

Pattern.  

Of circle.

Will start. Will stay.

Till then, behold. 

Tell when, be strong. 

Stone-like

Store them right.

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Float away

Distance and closer. 

Close and another.

What we learned in a day

Made we learn anyway 

Closing but distancing. 

Lost.

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Random thought.

What do I want to do the most now?

Pack my back and relax my mind. 

Yes. This has nothing to do with linguistic. Or psychology. 

Pre-exam.

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Must.

Be. Strong. 

For me. And for all. 

That's okay zy, you are a girl made of steel.

That's okay zy, with a laugh forgotten, with a smile concealed. 

I'm fine. 

And always will be. =)

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Drained

Almost that close to give in.

Almost that inch to give up.

For the life I believe I'm living, 

Is not the one I once wish for.

But who am I to complain?

Need to move forward now. 

Just please give me a minute..

I will be better and all. 

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Goodbye ego me

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One for all

Always.

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Think again.

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Too short.

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Unconditionally

Good news. 

May the happiness begin.

May the life be cherished. 

May the smiles stay till the end. 

Piercing, 

Weirdly im happy. 

Mirror mirror on the wall, 

Show me the way, not this one after all. 

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Hope

After all the effort, you still chose to stay at your own comfort zone. 

Why cant you move on??

You do know at the very least, this is the reason why you are stuck, 

Not going anywhere, really. 

Again and again. And I did what you asked. 

Thank you and good bye. 

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Maybe my time will come soon.

So I am sorry for everything I have done. 

I am sorry for hurting you, any one of you, in any way I possibly can.

For I never know when

And where

And how

My time will come

To say sorry

To say good bye

I am sorry. 

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Do you want

To build a snowman?

As the heart is cold

As the feelings bold

No longer need to be told

Thats alright,  

As standing by yourself 

As walking the distance again

We will slowly reach 

The peak

The mountain of dream. 

The snowy scene..

Where you can build a snowman. 

For the ice queen. 

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You never know

What kind of battle is he/she fighting for. 

So,

Be kind.

Be nice. 

Let go too. 

Good things will stay. 

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Hard

Literally. 

No one is going to be there for you after all but yourself. And floor.

No one else.

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At that moment..all the conversation became weirdly awkward. 

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The sky is high

It is just too far away. 

In distance. 

To reach? 

To climb?

To falter?

To find..

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Wrap it up

The blackness enveloped yet the lights circled.

The failures occur but the happiness come and stay.

The mirror showed the path yet running away

The strength comes nearer but weakened some days

The magic shared

The reality stared

The deal is for keep

The words are too deep

Welcome 2014. 

I'll be good, I promise. 

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Faraway

Reaching 

Just the eyes... deceiving  

Just the heart.. ignoring

To unknown land

Heart rules? Or the mind?

Hope to wrest sovereignty away

From oligarchy

From the dominance

Back to people

Back to where we are. 

But I never know you for who you are. 

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Mata ada untuk melihat

Hati tertanya apa yang dapat

Tidak puas kata si hati

Pabila cahaya membias kembali

Tanpa fahami dengan teliti

Limpahnya hanya sekadar meniti

Maka hati ada untuk melihat

Tutup matamu untuk luhurkan

Dari hati cuba zahirkan 

Bergetar lahir ke denyut nadi

Telus ke saraf, cipta ilusi

Fikirlah, selagi masih berpaut insani

Bukan hanya berputih mata

Tetapi hati juang bersama. 

Syukur masih pijak berdiri

Tanpa perlu mengharap simpati. 

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Give me back

The talks the wordsù

The real things

That I turned fake

That I turned bad

For I miss the stories

For I miss the non barrier link.

The best form ever we keep

To let me see the heart within. 

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A leap of life

Walk, 

Jane, keep walking,

Do not hesitate,

Do never regret,

Fight,

Jane, keep fighting,

Do not go to bed mad

Stay up, fight, it wasn't that bad.

Listen,

Jane, keep listening,

The truth to be told

The chance to improve.

Joe, 

Stop pushing

Stop leaving

Stop comparing

Stop hurting

Stop.

Leave the others to time.

Let the time try

Let the time decide.

Stay.

Pretty little things, 

Fly me on the wings, 

But I need those hand

I touch I grasp I play from here

It is warm

It is love

It is full of life with no harm

So I kiss them goodnight.

I bid them goodbye

I'll see you in my dream

Where there you may find me. 

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Reaching

A step forward and you reach

A look forward and you think

A day onward and you know

You are reaching

Or losing

Or trying

Or failing

You go a step further. 

You know to repeat the cycle

You hope to change 

You want to take

Every chances given. 

And you are left with wonder.

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No-brainer business

SO the performance revealed

They danced around, they beamed

The vain was obvious, 

Hence for that the oblivious. 

No discomfort, no inhibitions

Just pure trouble and selfishness.

With the lips clamped shut

With the eyes closed tight

Wondering in the rain

Hovering with the pain

Harmless it might seem

Coldness enveloped the game

Perhaps betrayal will come

Like it did, every single time. 

Almost to the end of 2013.

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Keji is your middle name

But thank you for the harsh words. I need to stand and face the reality. 

And I love that mirror image you showed me. It makes me feel im not alone. 

Not anymore. 

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No.

It is so weird how you used to be happy doing things, and now you feel forced and 'have to' instead of 'want to'. 

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Please be strong

As I cant deal with sadness now. 

As I am not trying to run, but to heal.

As I need laughters the most. 

Please. 

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Vantage

When one closes, another opens.

Shall believe and beneath it burns

Will lie the utmost fear

Will cry the shadowed tears

For the one in front

To be followed?

To be ignored?

Supposed the heart is still cold

Supposed the love is still a fool

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Tingling feeling

Sept 7th. That ease? Smooth sailing begins to rock. Tattered though moving. For what is worth, tales begin in different note.

Storage

A compartment usually works. Bundle up and stored.
Maybe it wasnt meant to be opened.
Maybe it was supposed to be kept hidden.
Just there.

Delicious

The dire need of this yummylicious killer @ Delicious.

 Must. Get. It. Soon.

Oh. Happy Independence Day. 

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A girl

Really?

Selamat Hari Wanita

Thanks for the experience, AstroAwani for the chance. Despite my nervousness. And I wonder if I look THAT chubby in real life. Sigh. I thought my work out plan worked. Not enough I guess. Haha.

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Pray..

Those prayers will help.
To ease the pain
To heal again...

Heart never lie.

Cliche right

I believe this is the root of all evil. Hahah

Not again.

Been through this again and again.

Why Izzy? Why?

Take a deep breath.

Let loose and be strong.

Walk away.. 

You did this before. You can do it again. 

Things some will never understand.

Let me tell you a story. Yes, this is going to be a long story so if you are not willing to read, just ignore this. 

I know many will disapprove me for writing this, and more to come for others who will say I should just be glad that I am who I am now, and how there are so many others out there who want to be in my position now. However, I am writing this to share a few things so others will understand why I did what I did in these past few months. 

As you all know, I am a teacher in one primary school. I love my job. I like the fact that the kids still listen to me and enjoy my class even though I know at times I can be scary ( or maybe most of the times?). I enjoy the kids company, with so much laughter and tears. I am that one happy teacher whenever my kids say 'Hi miss!' or 'Bye miss!' whenever they saw me in school (or outside). Yes, I am one typical teacher. 

But as much as I love my job,  I do realize that my life is different now. No longer as free as I used to be. I am always busy with things to do. I am Penyelaras PBS for my school (only those who hold the same position will know how stressful it can be), few other posts in my school too (not too bad for me since I know some are even worse at other school). I took part in school tuition program, and I have private tutoring almost every other night to help others in need (some with payment, I admit). At the same time, I am the coach for my action song team, choral speaking team, 'kompang' team, and the latest one 'bicara berirama' team. No, I am not complaining for being the coach or anything. I just want people around me to understand why you think I don't have time for you people. 

Some people asked me, "How come you are too busy? You are a teacher." or they told me "Teachers are not like any others. You guys are lucky. Tengah hari boleh balik tidur" or "Salary so high, job so little." et cetera. Yes yes yes. You might think we teach from 7.30 - 1.30pm, then we'll go to lalaland until the next day doing nothing. Maybe for some (I dont know if that 'some' is still exist) but most of us teachers work nonstop. At least I think I do. And for those who know me, they know I am telling the truth. 

Monday to Friday, school as usual. My evenings are spent for meetings, or trainings (whichever team/tournament/competition), or record keeping, or book marking, or lesson planning, or any program at all. My nights are sometimes spent at school (for training kids too) or tuition (most of the times). My weekend you ask? It has been ages since the last time I remember I spent my weekend resting at home. I spent my weekends at school. Or with kids. Or with kids, at school. You pick one. 

Yes, it is definitely my own fault I got sick, I might have neglected my health in the process. But what I want you people to understand is I never (ok maybe rarely is more appropriate) try to push you people out of my life. Just, give me time. 

I do learned my lesson to eat on time, to drink plain water more. To have enough rest, to sleep at night. I know now how hurt it is to not being able to talk much in class. That I can be sick too. That I can get lung infection too. That my body told me that ageing is no joke (really!). I am getting better now as I rest more and talk less. 

So, I am sorry. Maybe I am workaholic. Maybe I am trying to use work to make my life busy so I have no reason to think about other aspects of my life too much. Don’t worry. I know there will only few people who read this post in this blog. Even near to none who will read this to the end. But I feel contented already knowing that somehow I still have some friends who understand how I feel, and stick with me despite the fact in has been ages since the last I met them.

For that, I thank you. 

The guilt

I feel now. I just feel it now.
You know, the feeling you know you left it hanging and unanswered? And when you did something about it and you feel guilty instead of satisfied?

I mean guilty, not that I don't feel happy. Just guilt.

Thank you.

Sudden fever and headache.

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When things go bad..

You know you have people around you, and you feel safe again.

They who made me smile

And never awkward given the distance and time apart. Hugs and kisses.

2013

Bring it on, 2013!

Dirtybags of the clingy girl

Muddy stealer? What about the green grass you love? Who took whose? Eating from the inside, and asking for the friend. Be grateful if you are happy, if you ever.

Sorry isnt really your forte...

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Tell me

Love hurts.

Because of love, you hate
Because of love, you are in pain
Because of love, you feel sick.

Why love?

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Dot

Will I ever be able to make sense of everything?
But that is the purpose of surprise. The privilege of not knowing.
Woken up by heartache of unknown.
Unresolved dreams.

Self pity.

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