Sometimes I wonder why I grow up much slower than my friends at my ages

I believe that there are some people who feel the same as I do. Whenever I open Instagram, I see my friends’ stories and they could go wherever they want to go. Some travel abroad. Some have a good time with friends around the beach. Some have diving or surfing. They share whatever they want and that makes me look at myself typing this in front of computer. My life is not special. Working as the data analyst in front of my laptop every day, exercising at park every weekend (and at my small garden every evening), playing the strategic game, and having chat with my girlfriends. Instagram makes me feel like my life is incomplete even if I do know that we have our own way to do things that we feel happy.

My girlfriend used to ask me whether I want to do those activities like they did. Of course I said no. Diving and surfing are not me but some activities like meeting old friends or getting married are things that we want, so it depends whether the activities we see in Instagram are what we want or not.

Well, this is not the thing that I would like to discuss today. I feel like friends at my age have grown up a lot and I fell like I could not catch up with them. They do things either better or more various than me, and I would like to be capable like them. Some have their businesses but I still have a 9-5 job.

There are some possible reasons I feel like I have grown much slower compared to my friends at my ages. Firstly, I blame my own aptitude. I usually response too slow to anyone when we are face-to-face so I end up writing like this. I used to practice my aptitude by joining the debate club. Well, that did help more or less. Sometimes I could catch up the opponents’ words. Sometime I couldn’t. Especially when it comes to playing game with my friends. To be honest, if we had to split the team, I would be considered as the clutter.

When we played the card game, I could not catch up with the rules, so I had to ask friends so many times and sometimes when I didn’t know how to play, the game turned not to be fun at all.

So I think that because of my bad aptitude, I could not grow as fast as my friends.

However, if we look at another side of coin, I am the smart person because actually I think before I either write or implement, and when I do, it will be either absolutely effective or destructive lol. I remember when I and my friends had to present the business synergy concept to the professor that everyone said he was tough in grading. I was so confident in my own presentation skill so I planned it very carefully with my teammates and of course asked the professor what he really wanted to hear from us.

Believe it or not, our presentation was graded the highest since he has taught the student in the business master program in the University of Auckland. Sharon, one of my friends told me that the presentation was perfect.

Although the result was impressive but it exchanged for the amount of time I planned carefully. I was perfectionist and it was all or nothing, so there are reasons I response too slow but when I do, it is either effective or destructive.

The second reason is because of how my family has raised me so far. They allow me to do things much slower than other parents do. Many examples. One day when I was at the kindergarten, I was the last one who was picked up. When my neighbors could play outside the village, I was the only one who wasn’t allowed to go there. They said it was dangerous. I had the opportunities to study or even travel around when I was a kind because my parents didn’t have enough money. The latest was when I newly graduated from my bachelor degree, I continued my second bachelor because my dad persuade me to do so. After I have the master degree, my dad asked me when I going to get married. He told me he married with my mom when he was 26. Sorry, who did persuade me to take the second one instead of living my damn life and perhaps get married?

So, I feel like I am the clutter sometimes, and they partly responsible for making me like this. That’s why I feel like I could not catch up with my friends.

Why did I came back from NZ?

Hello everyone

I remember that the real first job that I have is the content editor in the digital business. In 2016, I enjoyed writing about marketing, business and startup. Sometimes I had to go outside to join events, gather news, and write it down in the website. Sometimes, I had to stay in the office, read some news, monitors the hot topics and write about it as fast as possible. It is called real-time content and to be honest I don’t like doing this kind of content. It is sloppy even it is effective to gain more view. There is the content editor who di this much faster than me but I prefer to create long and high-quality content that people can do some research on my articles.

When I had to interview the c-level or co-founder, one of the mistakes I have made is that I prepared lots of questions for them but the fact is that I didn’t use all of them. The reason is that I could come up with the impromptu questions from what they just said. However, it doesn’t mean that I will not list the long questions. Doing that so is the brainstorming activity, and I could select few important questions that readers might want to know also.

Sometimes, I was assigned to write the advertorials. Trust me, I hate it. The challenge is how to balance between what the hiring clients want to say and what the readers would like to hear. They want to get knowledge from the advertorial but sometimes the brief is the hard-selling. When I write for the readers too much, my draft was usually got rejected. That’s life anyway.

I miss that moment when I was the content editor. I could be happy even deep inside I was depressed somehow. I was going to New Zealand for master degree, and determined not to come back to my home country because I was completely forgotten already. I finished my work at 7 pm everyday and I felt depressed every weekday. Also every weekend I had to prepare things for public speaking practice and manage the speaking clubs. I felt trapped back then.

While I was in NZ, like I said, I determined to stay there but on the second day, I found the abandoned sheet on the student’s desk. It was about the analysis on Asian discrimination in NZ. After I read it, I felt like there was the low chance I would get the job there. On the next day, I join the seminar about the advertising and marketing career in NZ, and the presentation cover clearly said that the career for this industry is only for the NZ citizens only. That was the second time I felt discouraged.

However, my semester hadn’t started which means I needed to fight until the end, and I did fight. I failed the interview test on the blockchain internship. I hired the recruitment agency to find the company that opens SEO practitioner, and I had it for the educational consulting agency. (www.global-student.com). I hope that this was the first step for me to get the digital marketing job there

But things weren’t on my side.

I and the rest of few friends decided to take the final consultancy projects because we would have a chance to work with the university-selected companies. Of course, I would like to work with the companies that had the digital marketing project. However, everyone fought for those companies as well. There was the matching event that the students and the company representatives met each other to match the right partner. After that we listed from the most to least favorite companies. There was the company that everyone chose to be the least favorite. I also chose it because its project focusing on branding not digital marketing. That company didn’t even send the representative on the matching day.

And unfortunately, I got the one no one wants. The university officer tried so hard to negotiate with me to meet its representative but initially I refused to meet her. The officer persuaded me so often like she really wanted to meet you and the offer was happy to pay me the taxi to meet her at her headquarter.

The company is the retail selling plants for gardening. See? No one was interested in it.

However, after I met Natalie Allen, the marketing manager, she was so nice that I would like to work for her. She welcomed me and appreciate my work experience and she hoped that I could help her rebranding the company. Then I understood why the officer insisted me to meet her once, so I agreed to work with her.

There were 10 weeks for the consultancy project. The first 3 weeks were for studying theories on how to do the project. The next 6 weeks, we had to work inside the company. Nat understood my passion so she granted me access all company’s digital assets. I admit that sometimes I was bored being there but whenever I was there, I felt like I travel back to the past. I heard 1980 songs and the aged customers walked and looked for the plants for gardening their homes. There was the café inside so that they could enjoy their brunch. I loved having lemonade there. Sipping it when I took the break was superb for me.

Those 6 weeks were tough for me. Besides taking care of myself there, I had to finish my reports. Along the process, I had the appointment with the professor and talked about the direction of the projects. The problem was that I didn’t know what the problems were but I knew that I worked hard to analyze the company’s situations, research all relevant theories to solve the companies’ problems, and write the reports.

However, when the presentation day came, my score was bad (except Q&A part that I defended well). The professor suggested me to talk about the material I just presented. He said there were many points I need to correct. The problem was that I had only two days to correct them and that means I had to research and rewrite them all.

Therefore, I did my best within the time limit. I sent the report and the week later, the score was announced, and I almost failed. Before that I was already depressed from doing projects, depressed from being forgotten by old friends, depressed from being hopeless in living in NZ, and the score confirmed me that NZ doesn’t deserve me to stay there. The day that the score was announced was the same day that friends celebrated their unofficial graduation dinner. I skipped it because I was sad, and that day would have been the last day I met them. I was totally lost and really would like to go back home where I didn’t want to be there as well. I got the painful lesson that no matter where I am, old friends still forgot me anyway. It was really hurt.

After I landed Thailand, I promised myself that I would never announce that I was back to anyone but the ones whom I didn’t feel closed. I wasn’t ready to announce. I could not believe that I had to come back but I had to because I believed that my career that fits me is in Thailand, and I promised to my best friend (now she is my girlfriend)

that I will come back for her.

Talk about my past experience during Songkran in my village.

Well, my village WAS the part of Kritsanakorn project but I heard that there was the corruption and trial already, so the village I ‘ve lived for 32 years was abandoned.

My dad bought home in this village before I was born. He found that it was cheap with the belief that the area of this house will have more facilities (and he is right).

May homes are similar. Red-brown roof and the white wall. Later each home was renovated by the habitants’ preference. Some have 4^th-5^th floor. Some painted their home light blue. Some have one more floor and have the Thai-styled roof which doesn’t make sense. Recently, my neighbor home was crushed and the construction of the new one has been nearly finished, and its Nordic style is totally different from the rest.

When I was kid, there was the new year celebration every year. There was the party and activities on the stages. Kids enjoyed a lot. Food and gift exchange. This was held during the night in front of someone’s house. Later, it was cancelled due to high cost. There was the merit ceremony every year as well. The monks were invited and the neighbor came to put food, and got blessed from them. I and my friends used to enjoy this ceremony not only because we could have chat with various people. Both young and old. But also, they could be invited to play games or have activities in someone’s house later.

For me and my friends as high school kids during long holidays, we played games together and on 4 pm. We played football or rode bikes. I liked riding bicycle. At first, it was hard for me to do with only two wheels. My mom took the supporting one away. It took me for a while to be able to ride bike and finally play with my friends. What we played together was like whenever someone was touched, the touched must hunt for anyone and touch him/her. I asked my mom to buy the bigger bike for me and I got the green one when I was primary three. Of course, I got wounded, and so did other. It would be so fun if I rode a bike and splashed water at once during Songkran. I felt like I was the cavalry archer but actually I rode the bike and holding the small water gun(s). I felt like I was so cool. I thought it was effective for me because I could drive and take a shot at once (but risky to fall down also if I was careless). Sometimes, I parked my bike and became the water gunner. Lol. The disadvantage is not only I may fall down but with the small guns, I needed to refill the water for my guns more often.

I used to have the big gun and pipe gun. It could pump water so that it splashed water with more damage. Pipe gun has more damage. But it could take only one shot so I had to be near the water basin all the time to refill.

The rubber syringe is the more effective and cheating not only because you don’t need to refill but it could create the huge damage. Cons? Total immobility and brace for the water bill ! IMAO

There are some water weapons I want to introduce more. The handy plastic bag with water and closed by the rubber. Consider it as the water bomb. You could throw to anyone. The damage is so great UNLESS they could not dodge! LOL and it takes time to makes plenty of it. Next one is bowl. Just use it to draw water from the water basin and splash. Sometime we put the ice in the water basin and when we refill water from it, we splash them and they feel cold. This even got them sick especially there is the summer here.

Sometimes, my friends invite me to splash water outside the village and I don’t want to because I feel insecure. People splash water from the pickup truck. Some splash water and find chance to have sexual harassment. We could see some men having white clay filler on girls also.

To be honest, this water splashing festival is so far from the original Thai culture. Our parents sit and wait for their children pouring water on their hands (and feet for some families). We say thank you for them taking care of us and apologize for what we have done wrong so far to them. Then, they bless us all the best. Then, have lunch or dinner together. Because of this family time, Thai government counts these day as Thai New Year days. It is the weekly holiday all Thai workers are waiting for and plan in advance to go back to their own homes or travel abroad.

And for me it is the great chance to visit New Zealand again. Autumn usually calls during April. Not too cold so you can try traveling there.

My little inspiration to practice Kung Fu (Wushu)

I liked Kung Fu movies and series when I was in kindergarten. Here is the funny story. Every day in Kindergarten, teachers and staff play the Japanese Ranger series like Power Ranger for every classroom. There were only 4 – 5 female students, so they didn’t feel like it was for them but for boys, well, they liked it a lot, especially the part where the monster was beaten down.

After watching it, the teachers taught us English for an hour before they freed us to play around. Boys started to form the group and talk to each other about who was going to be one of the rangers.

One day around 5 PM, my dad was so late to pick me up. Some boys came to me. I think it is around 10 – 20 boys. They came to me.
“What ranger do you want to be?” their leader asked.
“I want to be the red one”
“I reserved it already”
“Then I will be the black one”
“I am the black one,” another told me.

I kept saying “all” of the rangers’ colours even pink and they were all reserved, so they imagined that I was the monster which no one wanted to. They hunted me down and if I wasn’t wrong, I kept running until my dad picked me up.

On the next day, lucky me, my dad picked me up on time at 3 pm. I came back home, took a shower, sat on the floor and watched the Chinese series “The Justice Pao”. Pao was the honest judge in the court with 5 swordmen protecting him. I saw Zhan Zhao, one of the swordmen, fighting with the thief and he was so cool to me. He brought his sword, jumped, flew and fought against that thief.
And I finally know who I am going to be.

On the next day, my dad picked me up a little bit late (but in time to watch The Justice Pao). Same. There were a group of boys coming to me
“What ranger do you want to be?”
“I am Zhan Zhao” I proudly replied
“What is that?”
“It is the monster”
“Crush it!” The red ranger pointed at me.

But I didn’t think I was the monster for them. I was Zhan Zhao holding my blade and fighting against all five rangers. I was so tough that they ran away from me except the red one not because he was tough also but he was laid on the grass and got continuously stomped by me. More parents, who came and picked their children, watched me stomping that boy. Some of them pointed at me. Maybe they wonder who my parent is. Then my mom showed up and pulled me from the little fight.

That is the first impression of Kung Fu.

Jade the Mystic Novel Series concluded by Osho Tarot Card

Like I said in the previous post, it will take my whole life to finish Jade the Mystic Novel series, so it is a good idea to sum it up with a little help from Osho Zen Tarot cards. All three drawn cards are incredibly accurate not only to my novel but to my life journey also (but no surprise I plan to author my novel based on it)

Control, Sorrow and Awareness Cards from Osho Zen Tarot

1st card: Control
This card compared to the one from the Rider-Waite Tarot deck is the King of Sword. According to labyrinthos (2017), “The King of Swords is cool, controlled, as well as ambitious. Though they have emotions, they can be very restrained.”

Yeah, the meaning is cool if I have King of Sword. However, I open Osho Zen Tarot. The card “Control” means beyond being cool. From the Osho books I read, the word controlled is disgusting! Opposite to the meaning of King of Sword! This is because when we try to control something we don’t let it flow. When we control ourselves, we don’t let our energy flow as well. It seems we will be cool if we can control ourselves but we become cold instead!

That reminds my very past self in high school when I was around 11 years old. I think that if I play less if I smile less if I extinguish my cheerfulness if I am emotionless, I will be cool. However, that is one that my friends recognize me. They observe my robotic movement, so they call me “robot” or “cyborg”. Seems cool right but so cold. I remember that when the bully had no choice but to join my group to finish work, I was so ignorant that they ask why I was so cold, and yeah I was because they usually verbally bullied me.

Oh, almost forget. There was a day I was recognized as noble or intelligent. Normally before we were called to enter the classroom every morning, there were the morning activities and the volunteer will arrange some quizzes for friends to answer. I remember that I raised my hand, walked slowly, picked up their mic and answer their question.

To be honest, I was raised to focus on studying only, so I spent most of the time sitting, doing homework and typing documents and playing games sometimes, so my body has gotten inflexible. (and now I turn 32. I have to stretch my body daily). I am supposed o do things more than study and work. In other words, live my life a little.
Osho is right. “Control” is Such a disgusting word.

2nd Card: Sorrow
Again that the meaning from Osho Zen Tarot Card is against the one from the Rider Waite card. 9 of Swords means you worry about so many problems. You wake up and think about the problems or works you are going to solve all day. You even dream about them sometimes. (Seriously, I know people who dream about themselves thinking of an excel spreadsheet)

However, Osho doesn’t interpret this card badly. He doesn’t think that sorrow is bad. On the contrary, he invited us to see the different angles. See the beauty of sorrow. When we are sorrowful, awareness comes to me, to you, to us. That is when we could create the little space between us and our pains happening, existing, and passing away. Whenever I listened to friends talking about their suffering, I usually said “This toll shall pass.”

It is not coincident that I got the sorrow card as the second one. I was sorrowful when I was 25-26 (That is the reason why I’ve stopped blogging for 7 years!) I felt left out. I felt separated. A sense of separateness came to me when I had the second bachelor’s degree from the same university I I got the first one, so I must miss my old good friends a lot. I cried inside every day and prayed to get out of this hell!

3rd card: Awareness
One of my biggest dreams is to stay in New Zealand. While I was studying for my second bachelor’s degree, I dreamed about being there peacefully every day. I thought that should “disappear” from everyone I have loved so far as they completely forget me. I will be in New Zealand so that no one can find me anymore.

Yes, I made it. I was in New Zealand for my master’s degree. However, I realized the three most painful lessons
First, no matter how far or close we are, my friends still forget me anyway.

Second, true nature is not the beautiful nature I would like to be surrounded by but the inner nature. I mean what I love to do every day which is my dream career. I don’t think that jobs in New Zealand can fulfil my inner nature, so I decided to come back with tears. I have never wanted to leave New Zealand.

Third is from what my past crush told me 12 years ago “There is no one who lives alone. There are always people who care about you. It depends whether you can see them or not. Sometimes they are always in front of you but they are just out of your sight”. What she said is so right, and I decided to come back to Thailand and asked my best friend to be my girlfriend.
Like Osho said, the pain will bring awareness and awareness comes to me indeed.

Take care

The novel series that will take my whole life to finish

It started when I joined my first writing workshop with Annette Porter. She is a fiction writer from the UK, and at that time in 2015, while I was still blogging on this website, I would like to try this workshop.

Believe it or not, I like that moment. That was the first time I enjoy “freewriting”. She opened the music with the various rhythms and that enables us to write with the various thought and feelings without even thinking. No rules, no worries about a grammatical error, or judging whether those thoughts were right or wrong. I still believed that I was writing to heal myself. Things that poison my life kept flowing out of my mind on the blank paper.

If you used to read my personal story, I told you that I was bullied in high school. It was such a bad experience for me (with my narrow lens to understand the world at that time to confess). Thus, while I was writing to heal myself, I wrote about those bad moments – words that stabbed my heart, the tears from my eyes and the sweats from my skin after I kept running away from them. The desire to get revenge was expressed on the paper and much more.

Thanks to the music I listened to at that time, brought me various feelings. When the calm part of the rhythm came, I, then, thought of my new friends at the university. I felt gratitude toward them. No matter how slobby or silly I behaved, they welcomed who I was. I keep asking myself until now I should have seen them sooner. While I was in high school, I thought that people from there were the only friends I could choose to get along with.

However, if you think that these lovely friends are with me forever, think again, and that was the beginning of other new stories. There are so many things I would like to express and leave them to the readers.

And I could not believe that after I walked out of that workshop, I got 2 novel plots and I won’t hesitate to put them under Jade the Mystic (even though at that time, I blogged about the life concepts). Since then, I have imagined the possibilities of my novel and currently, there are 30 novel books I would like to finish. That would take a whole life to do so. I would like to tell the readers about my life experience starting from the first group of friends I had to the only girlfriend I have now. It is such a long journey of friendship I have experienced so far. It started in the village I was born and lived, my high school, my university, my workplace and definitely New Zealand where I graduated with my master’s degree. I would like the readers to understand pains and we will learn life insight thought my stories together.

Cannot wait to finish Jade the Mystic series along with blogging things beyond life concepts.

Take care

The great things will happen!

Hello everyone

It has been 7 years that I haven’t updated this blog for a very long time but trust me, I miss blogging and the lovely followers especially Erika Kind. I could say I would come back soon after I experienced the harsh journey.

For my return this time, the posts from now on will not be mainly conceptual. I promise, and I am so thrilled to present them to everyone. To be honest, I have already planned it since 2015. I will present my life journey in the novel way!

Miss all of my followers,

Jade the Mystic