Jamilin8's Blog

Last week, I was conducting training for a volunteer group. We had just finished a session on Sympathy and Empathy and were now on the lunch break. One of the volunteers sat down next to me and I just have to share this story with you.

The volunteer sat down next to me with her plate. In her plate, she had rice, some mixed vegetables on the side and had poured some of the curry chicken sauce over the rice.  As she sat down, she looked down at her plate and smiled. I asked her what was so amusing about her plate.

She said that it reminded her of the good old days. I asked her what she meant.

She replied that, many years ago she had been kicked out of her house by her husband (they subsequently divorced). Overnight, she and her 4 children were forced to fend for themselves without any financial support from him. Friends stepped up and offered lodging and other help but she knew that for a better future for her and her children, she had to make it on her own again.

She and her children ended up staying in a flea ridden shack that only had one room which became their kitchen, dining, living, study and bedroom. Her children had a  good and secure life  snatched away from them in one night and ended up living in conditions not fit for humans.

With a smile, she looked at me and said “You wouldn’t believe the size of those fleas..! But those were the good old days, when we only had rice, some vegetable and curry, the sauce only, not the meat, mind you. This plate reminded me of those days.”

Me with my Fried Noodle, Chicken Wing and Curry chicken on my plate, was dumbstruck. How should I respond? Should I say something sympathetic? Something emphatic? In the end, I could only come out with a lame “Those were the good old days? I’d hate to know what the bad days are. Ah…hahaha…”

As I got up to leave the table, I could not help but be awed by this lady’s inner strength. She had related her story without any hint of anger, remorse or hate. It was just…what it was…nothing more, nothing less.

Next time you fix your plate up, pause for a second and look at what you have in your plate…does it remind you of the good old days? What memories does your plate bring back? But most importantly, whatever memories our plates evoke or bring back…ask yourself…are you at peace?

When I first came back to my hometown Kota Kinabalu to work, I was taken aback by a question  people I met would ask me. It didn’t matter if they were lawyers helping us prepare agreements, auditors helping us set up our books, suppliers or purchasers. They would ask the question.

I wasn’t a newbie in the job market so to speak, that hadn’t proven himself yet and needed endorsements from family names as to his or her ability…I had already worked for 14 years in various companies overseas and had a track record to back up my abilities and experience.

However, back in Kota Kinabalu,  it seemed that whatever you did or were able to do came in second to the answer to the question they liked to ask  “Who is your father?“.

At first, I would answer this question without hesitation. There didn’t seem to be any harm in answering it, I thought. Then after a while, it just got old…and at times I would refuse to give a direct answer. I mean, are you doing business with my dad or me? Then I realized that answering that question could be beneficial or otherwise. Depends on whether my Dad did anything bad to them or caused any kind of animosity to occur. So I reverted to asking my Dad about people I was about to meet. “Hi Dad, do you know so and so? Did you do anything bad to them or their company.”

Thankfully, almost all the responses I get after I tell people who my Dad is, was positive..”oh, he’s a good man..how is he now..” and so on..phew…no skeletons in that closet I guess.

Aside from establishing who you are in the community and your position in it…(so and so’s son…so he goes into this box..good businessman, outstanding citizen, trustworthy..etc), the question also indicated how new and young you are to the local business scene.

You haven’t made your name yet..that is why people ask you who you are…when they stop asking and know you for whom you are…then you’ve made it…

But recently, I discovered that this question also shows something else…a young lady handed me her card after training one day and her surname looked familiar…so I just had to ask..”who’s your dad?” ..turns out I knew her dad..I knew more about her mum and dad then her…

Aside from enabling people to peg and categorize you, from being an indication that you haven’t made it yet …the question “Who’s your dad?” is also an indication of how old you are…the next generation has entered the workforce..but you have more in common with the old guard…

I think to stay young a little while longer, i will change this question from “Who’s your Dad?” to “Who’s your Daddy?”…

When my first child was born, I felt a great responsibility as a parent to raise her right and teach her about the world. Two years later, my responsibility to raise good children and teach them well, doubled, with the arrival of my son.

Fast track 17 years later, and what I realized is that my children have raised good parents and taught my wife and I well. You see, what really happened was that most of the raising and teaching was done by my children instead.

By the time my kids arrived in this world, they already had their personalities. No matter how much we tried, we could not change the fundamentals of their characters.

My daughter is head strong, confident and smart. My son is happy go lucky, easy going and can read people’s emotions extremely well. No matter how much I wanted to change parts of their character, for example, trying to teach my daughter to be less head strong and listen to other opinions, and my son to be more aggressive, I would end up having to explain what was wrong with being ambitious and focused and what was wrong with being at peace with oneself.

My son was born in the year of the Pig (or Boar) and somehow has some of the characteristics of the pig such as he loves to sleep in, loves to eat and is happy with the world at large. He has taught me how to appreciate the smaller things in life and the importance of taking it easy.

My daughter was born in the year of the Rooster and she too demonstrates some of the Rooster characteristics such as waking up early and working hard. She teaches me to be on the ball and organized as she does not mind reminding me if I have forgotten to do or bring something.

When I looked back at my own experience with my parents, I finally understood why my children are my teachers…really, how many kids actually listen to their parents?

I didn’t and so now my kids don’t listen to me as well…

Sometimes, my Dad does not have to resort to emotional blackmail to get his way. (…this may be my last time..posted Mar 12, 2010)

He likes to jalan (get out) and eat out and I like my children to hang out with their grand parents. I didn’t have any grandparents growing up and somehow felt that i missed out on the benefits of having grand parents. Benefits  such as extra pocket money on festive occasions, an additional source of presents for birthdays and the protection of another set of adults that could tell my parents off if  i did something naughty…

So whenever we can, we bring my parents jalan jalan (out and about)

My Dad not impressed with the size of the cups..