Lessons Learnt

Big Bang 2016

February 22, 2016JaneLeave a comment

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First I would like to apologize for being away for the longest time ever. Lets say, leaving 2015 and welcoming 2016 was not an easy job at all. I had to travel every weekend across towns and also needed to finalize on 2015 business.

2015 was one tough year. I most definitely had a really hard time facing up to new challenges. The hardest having been working out a fresh relationship and venturing into new things. I will most assuredly not miss 2015. With that we took a trip to usher in the New Year. I am a very superstitious person. I always believe that how you start up something will determine its course. So with that, my boyfriend and I took a trip out of town. Away from all the chaos of the city and looking for good fortune. Our last vacation for 2015 and our first for 2016.

I have to say, that must have been the best thing we did for ourselves. It gave us time to focus on each other and make plans with each other. The most awesome part was hanging with my best friend who I hadn’t seen for over one year. It was too dope a time. However, who knew good fortune was on our side. We had our hearts desire within a week. I always count it as the beginning to a bad ass year. Its been so hectic, and as I write this, I have had a few hours sleep and woke up to the next grind. My boyfriend and I are proud ‘parents’ to a ‘newborn’. Parenthood is the toughest job ever, most especially no matter how prepared you think you are, It’s just never enough.Everyday is a learning day, and a new challenge. I miss sleeping so peacefully and not having a care in the world. Now, I am constantly in thought, and the growth keeps elating my heart.

Patience being a virtue I have never owned, had to be put to test. I give my mother props for everything. The hardest part was trusting someone else with my ‘baby’. I honestly do not know how my mother did it. It is a crazy roller coaster especially getting the right person to help you out.

The other part is juggling being a girlfriend, a ‘mother’ and a career woman. So many hats to wear and always having to maintain my identity. I give props to those mums that are able to maintain their sexy within all the chaos. I am still trying to figure mine out.

My boyfriend on the other hand, is doing the best he can to hold it down.In the beginning it was hard for him too. To have to compromise a lot for both ‘mother’ and ‘baby’. The nights he had to stay up late, or the mornings he had to wake up early to tend to both our needs were also pretty hard on him. I think he’s been the most excited. He’s been the best ‘dad’ and boyfriend he can be. I am so happy and glad he is around to help me and the fact that he is still the same man I fell in love with makes it much more worth it.

Anyway, In it all, I give Thanks to God, to everyone who has been there for us and for everything we have done, we are doing and we intend to do.

With Much Love,

Happy 2016

Halo

December 7, 2015JaneLeave a comment

” I never promised you a ray of light, I never promised there’d be sunshine everyday. I’ ll give you everything I have…The good, The bad”- Bethany Joy Lenz

I woke up to those words. To the realization that all this time I have been torturing myself trying to live the life everyone expected. What ever happened to accepting a person’s flaws? I was put up in a pedestal so high that I can’t see the ground. I feel so angry and disappointed because this might just be my regret. How could I be so blind? I feel so lost.

So I pulled myself together, said a prayer and woke up in the best mood ever. I wear a halo when you look at me. The glow is apparent.Waking up to only two things, My God and myself. I guess soon I’ll be drafting a selfish chapter of my life.

I know some of you will say its not too late to change the course of my life, trust me I am way ahead of you. I guess I am just tired of living up to everyone’s expectations. I forgot I had dreams and aspirations of my own. I’m tired of everyone trying to shape me into their own doll. So I am being my own person. I am taking steps to make sure I never lose myself again.

Its been a while since I was at peace with myself. I forgot that there is no right or wrong way to live…you just live. I never promised perfection, I only promised to be me. I am not perfect! I am deeply flawed, I am a hot mess, but yet again I own it. I proudly wear it on my chest. That is my HALO.

Judge me if you want to, if you have to. I will honestly tell you that I will not give a care in the world. I will try to be a better person than I was yesterday, but that is between My God and I. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.

” I live my life a quarter mile at a time.”- Dominic Toretto, 2 Fast 2 Furious.

I am already making resolutions for the next year.I have made my conclusion on one….Next year is the year of living and loving my life. So as we close the curtain on this year my loves, enjoy my attention, my care, my worry and my love for you. Next year, it will be me, myself and I.

Happy Week,

XOXO

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psK4Eh8RpQE

A Revolution

December 4, 2015JaneLeave a comment

The past week has been quite amazing and interesting. I could say it has been one of my best weeks this year. Weirdly, there was nothing epic about it. I guess that is the best part about it all. I have just been meeting people and engaging in conversation with my friends. Now, I know I would never win the award of the best friend out there but I do try. Too bad if you actually take offense, but I guess that would mean you are not a friend. My friends wouldn’t be bothered by it at all.

The best day must have been Wednesday, where I got to catch up with a friend I hadn’t seen for over 5 years. Honestly it didn’t feel like any time had passed at all. The more we talked, it just felt we were creatures of habit. Growing up is just part of the equation but it does not entirely change who you are.

As we continued talking, we concluded that we were still the same people who forged a friendship five years ago. Still mischievous, always making jokes and laughing out loud. It felt so good to laugh that much. For one hour, I felt young again. I felt like that happy girl was still in me, just catching up with time. I suppose I got lost in the whole Nairobi fast life that I forgot how it actually feels to just live and not depend on anyone to make it fun for you. I feel like I grew old too fast. So, I have decided to live again and make no apologies. To take chances, to travel, to laugh, to cry, to completely immerse myself in my own life. Call me selfish, but I call it loving me. Its a new revolution.

The girl is back.(I know some of you must have missed her). I am out to take life as my last. I do not know what tomorrow has in store for me, but I am sure it will be awesome. I will wake up feeling fly, staying in my lane and making no apologies for being me. Basically, living unapologetic. Besides, I am the only constant in my life.

So as the year ends, I will try out new things.I will back pack and find myself in a new town, a new city or even a country. I will be as random as possible. If you want to be adventurous with me, just call, text, or drop an email. Let us all live a little.

Lovely Weekend Ahead,

XOXO

Or Nah!

December 2, 2015JaneLeave a comment

Hi There,

Last time I travelled this far down memory lane was early this year. This reminds me of where we started off. I always say your brother is a true cupid because he did bring us together. We would be friends maybe but not lovers.

You always say I have a memory for everything, well, its because I take everything as an experience. I can still remember our first words to each other, your face when you first saw me, the weather that day…I can tell it all. We both knew that initially we were at different levels in our lives. I was more selfish my life. Before, I met you I had just come from a relationship that had taken so much of my energy. I was drained and honestly, I was not ready to start dating again. So we started off as friends. Thank God for the distance and the time difference because with that, I always looked forward to talking to you.

What I loved most was the fact that we both had separate lives. I had to always check the time before calling you. Being the darling you are, you would keep checking up on me. Little did I know that I was falling hard for you. It was a bit scary, but I always had the urge for you. So without thinking twice, I decided to take a risk. I decided to see where all this was headed. Truth is I was scared as hell, but my heart had already been broken, so what more was I to lose?

I never knew where your heart was. I never knew for a fact if it was all true but I had faith and hope that it would be fine. And fine it was…..a month later you opened up on your feelings for me. From then, its been an awesome roller coaster.

So can I be more than a friend or nah? Can you be the best I ever had or nah?

Love Is….

December 1, 2015JaneLeave a comment

Dear Love,

Its been a while since I wrote you a letter. I guess time just slipped away. As I write this, I cannot help but be happy.I am happy because I am so blessed to have you. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would feel this way about anyone, till I met you. We never thought we would ever get this far but we did. We did it Love!

Its been one tough year, heck, we haven’t had time to just breathe. Through all the happy moments, we had our tough times ( I know I am to blame for some of it). I am sorry for the times I have hurt you. Trust me I never mean to hurt you in anyway possible. Pardon me for the times I may have disappointed you or ever embarrassed you. I am just human, I am not perfect. But I gladly own it because every day I am a work in progress. I am ME.

Our relationship has taught me how to look at the bigger picture and just live. I have only one life, and so far I am lucky to have lived it without much regret. I have learnt how to hold onto the simple pleasures and sweet memories and to let go of what hurts and is annoying. I once read that every minute we stay angry is a minute of happiness we have lost. So I choose happiness. I would choose it any day and every day. You once asked me why it’s so easy for me to let go and forgive ….. I learnt love is kind and love is not easily angered, it keeps no record of any wrong. Love doesn’t break hearts, pride and egos do. Besides, love is not proud. That is why I let go, because my love for you is not selfish or self seeking.

Sometimes I fell short of faith in you. I lost some hope because I had wild expectations. But you always said that we cannot have it all in a snap of our fingers. We have to be patient. It took a day at a time to understand it and you were patient despite all my whining and agonizing immaturity at times. You taught me that love is patient. You waited till I finally understood it.

Remember, when I saw you talking to a girl in the club and I quickly pulled the seat next to you to just eavesdrop on your conversation. I was so jealous, because I did not know who she was or what her intentions were. You never lost your cool. You instead introduced us to each other. The next day you did not cause a fete, you just laughed over it. You held my hand, looked into my eyes and said that I was your one and only. I quickly said that I want to be your only one, but you said you had to create room for your mother and my mother….( Really, smart of you to say!). There will be other women in your life, some friends, some colleagues, some employees and others mentors. I will never entirely know their role in your life, but you hold my love, and for that my love will always trust you. Forgive me if I ever query, but the same love will protect our relationship from people with ill intentions, it will not envy but it will be glad with honesty and truth. Because at the end of it all, we must uphold integrity, Love simply does not dishonor. I promise to honor you at all times.

As we move forward, and look to another year together, know that I have you in my heart, in my thoughts and in my prayers. I will not boast on the fact that I am loved or that I love but I will gladly bask in the bubble. I will keep hoping for better days and persevere in the hard times. In this relationship I promise you me and I promise to uphold all the words in this letter. My love for you will not fail….Love Never Fails.

I love you, T.

XOXO

Love Letter

November 30, 2015JaneLeave a comment

The other day I traveled home to visit my sweet mom. I had not seen her for over 8 months but it felt good to just hang out with her. Almost forgot how it feels to just talk and listen to her jokes.I doubt I will ever get used to the non-spicy kikuyu food and the fact that now we watch news in Kikuyu thanks to Inooro Tv. But i can’t complain, because it was so awesome to be home.

It’s funny how the house gets so rearranged when the kids are gone. My bedroom was so different. My bed was not my own anymore. My sister had also decided to monopolize the bedroom we share. She moved my bed next to the bedroom window which she knows too well I hate because of the morning light. She also rearranged the whole wardrobe we shared. I swear, she must have donated some of my clothes because I had only one shelf to myself. As I’m going through my clothes, looking for pair of socks to wear, I bump onto some of the ghosts of my past. An archive long forgotten….My High School Love Letters.

I thought I had burnt them but it turns out I didn’t. I sat on my bed and started laughing. Those letters reminded me of a part of my life which was so innocent, so naive and always on a cloud 9. I was never a groupie of the popular girls. I was always the girl next door but people knew me. So one day during a Math Contest, I bumped into a guy called Jeff. Being in a Catholic girls’ school, boys were rare and when you got one who wrote you letters, I guess he was inevitably your boyfriend. I cannot quite place the day but that day, I received a plastic rose flower from Jeff and I kept it under my pillow everyday till I was in form 4. On that day, it was so hard to concentrate on my evening preps. I had a crush on him, and the more I recapped that whole day with him to my friends, the more I got infatuated.

I must have made an impression on Jeff because he later sent me a letter. I still remember the day I received that letter like it was just yesterday. I was out in the filed for the usual school games. Like always, I was seated at a corner, well hidden from the games captain, busy gossiping with my friends. To be honest, I was never good in games at all. I hated hockey because I once got hit with a hockey stick, basketball was a no go zone because I fell on the first day on the court, netball and football were a bit too much because I had to run after a silly ball, volley ball was brutal on my hands, table tennis was too fast too furious. So I was stuck with badminton which was bearable and also used to be played at the corner of the field which was the best cover up in case we were busted by the games captain. My reason for always being seated was I that I was benched.

So on a Friday evening, like the norm, girls anticipated mails from their “boyfriends”. I was always reluctant to care, but I enjoyed reading other peoples mail. The things boys wrote to them were quite hilarious and romantic. That was until my desk-mate and best friend came running towards me holding an envelope. I thought it was her mail, she wanted to read with me. She was grinning hard and she shouted that I had mail….Okay! It took time for me to react but I jumped so hard. I had MAIL.

I grabbed the envelope from her quickly, and opened it. Secretly praying its not mail from my mum or brother. The envelope was so damn heavy. On opening it, I had 8 fulls-caps to read. Who writes that much? I was so used to at least 2 but 8 was a bit too much. It took me a whole night to get through all of them. My heart was elated. I remember that feeling so well. Weird thing is that when he cleared high school, the mails stopped being sent, and I waited till I gave up. That was the end of my relationship with Jeff, but it was so good while it lasted.

The love letters reminded me of a time I have long forgotten. A time that was most genuine. Before I ever got to learn and understand the world. Its been a while since I wrote a letter. So, this December, I will write a letter everyday. A letter of love, hope, faith and most of all thanksgiving.

Happy Week to you all,

XOXO

Dining With The Chef

November 27, 2015JaneLeave a comment

I was supposed to write on this experience a while back but I guess I got super busy planning my time away from work, I just put on pause.

On a very cold rainy evening, 5pm had just clocked, packed my laptop fast and jet out of the office. I was racing home to prepare dinner for the household. In the back of my mind, I was trying to wrap my mind, prepping myself for a long evening. The boyfriend was already home, thus I had to do a quick meal since we had a movie night all planned out and of course I had to sleep early for an early morning meeting.

I got home, all muddy and drained of any energy. All the while thinking hard of where to begin. On reaching the doorstep, my beau opened the door with a smile on his face. I walk in complaining hard about the rain, the traffic and how muddy it is. He kissed me on the cheek and said we had some company. I felt so embarrassed, I couldn’t utter another word. Fortunately, the guest was his friend, Kelvin, who I had previously met, so somehow it all felt good.

The best surprise was when Kelvin informed me that he will be my sous chef for the evening. It felt like a heavy load had been lifted. All I had to do was kick back and relax…something I do not know how to do. Being a control freak its hard ,for me to let go at all, this time the men wanted to do the hard work.

I tried sitting down and resting but that felt so damn odd. I couldn’t stop fidgeting around the house. I tried keeping busy but Kelvin and my boyfriend just wanted to see me rested. I was going out of my mind. Being the lady I am, I would frequently take a peek in the kitchen ( a behavior I guess I inherited from my Grandmother) till finally I gave up and waited for the chef to do his thing.

The chef made us some lovely rice and chicken curry served with some sweet wine.We were fortunate enough to also host his lady, which made the whole experience felt like a double date.

I appreciate being spoilt. Having someone who thinks of you and wants you to catch a break is priceless.

Thank you Kelvin for making a lovely dinner for us all, for being an awesome host and friend. To my boyfriend, Thank you for being the best friend I have always wanted. Thank you for being supportive, kind and thoughtful even when I can be a bit too much at times. I highly appreciate you for all you are and all you will ever be

This Feeling…

November 16, 2015JaneLeave a comment

Have you ever heard a song that brings out that familiar touch? The lingering touch brings out a certain raw emotion bursts into a million feelings…Have you ever had that?

We spend so much of our lives building ourselves, telling ourselves that we may not show weakness. If you grew up in a family of many children, you know you had to literally fight for your attention not only in your family but society at large. So there was no room for weakness, and funnily enough, with the current situation, we have no room to be weak.

I personally do not believe in being a weakling. I always thought that I had to fight through everything. That was until I found someone who made me weak and strong at the same time. Like every other girl, I was Rapunzel, Sleeping Beauty or even Snow White. I have always dreamed of my Prince Charming.But, those are just fairy tales.The reality of things is just not so easy.

The other day my friend was torn between ending a relationship or standing by her man. I’m not good with the relationship aspect of life but i try my best. Maybe that is why some people think I’m a loner, but its simply known as minding my own business. All I asked her was for a minute, to forget the feelings she had for him, to let go of how much she loves him, what is she left with?

Every time, I argue with my boyfriend and we go on the cold war silence, I’m left with a bitter taste, because I really hate fighting with him. I hate it more if we are not in speaking terms because I miss him more. To be honest, he is my best friend, so yes, I miss him so much. Funnily enough, that’s when the world decides to agonize you to death. You hear a song that you both love, then you find yourself scrolling for his photos on your phone. You end up curling up in your bed, close your eyes trying to imagine he is next to you. You miss his touch, his breathe and how he tickles you.

As the wind blows over your face, then the feeling gets to you. That feeling has always been when he kisses my forehead. Its all I ever need for him to make me weak. My walls cave in, and suddenly, I feel like I’m in a fairy tale.

Just like that, all our arguing, fighting and silence does not make sense at all. Then I start question myself why it took me so long to call a truce.So if I take all the feelings, all the emotions he brings out in me and forget them…what I’m I left with? Well, for me, its just pure emptiness because he completes me

So everyday I wake up, without him next to me, I just close my eyes and imagine him kissing my forehead…That simple feeling is what I want always and I pray so hard it never goes away.

Lovely Week,

XOXO.

The Cougar In Me

September 18, 2015Jane1 Comment

Today I have to say is a weird day. I was running late for work. I guess I took so long in the shower or while dressing. Friday is always a very unpredictable day for me so I dress too casual and turn into a tomboy or a sexy madam.

So I’m running out of the house to the bus stop to pick a jav/matatu to work. As I walk I feel so fly in my skinny jeans and a tucked in top. I put on my shades to protect my sleepy eyes from the sun,however, in my head I bump to “I’m feeling myself” by Nicki Minaj and Beyonce. I cannot help swaying my hips as I walk in my 6 inch heels. Over a span of an year, I have lost 12kgs, reduced my waist by 4 inches and got my sexy booty back. I was on tops, and the stares I got, affirmed my sexy feeling.

I get to the stage, and there is a flock of people. I guess the traffic was a bit too much. After 10 minutes of waiting in the morning sunrise, a matatu pulls up in front of me. Now, if you are Kenyan, running late for work you know the scramble and the scuffle that ensues as you try to secure a seat. I had to fight my way through all the people pushing to get in.

I secure a seat behind the driver seat, however, I’m stuck seated in between two high school boys. For a minute, I was more focused on getting to work in time until they pulled out their phones.

Now, I felt like I live in the stone age era but in an alien world. I have had the same phone for 4 years and it still serves me well. The two boys had the Samsung S5 and yet they are in high school. Clearly, the generation has changed. When in high school, I had a Nokia 3310, which I had to share with my siblings and was highly monitored by my parents. These kids had a much more superior smartphone than mine and could even carry them to school. Wow, times have really changed.

So I’m planning out my schedule in head trying to free up sometime in the afternoon, and suddenly too much noise in my ear. These two boys are busy giving the tout a headache and aimlessly insulting him. I didn’t get to know the origin of the issue but I felt too mature to even care. It was too early for me to listen to any mindless talk, let alone an argument. I couldn’t stop thinking how disrespectful they were and if they were my kids I would give each of the a thorough beating. My mother would not have taken any of that. She would still beat them where they were her kids or not. As I grew up,my mum would say…Mtoto ni wa kijiji. Trust me, you just had to get in line to avoid being punished.

So, I pull out my phone and get on whatsapp to chat with my friends. A hand brushes over mine and in front of me is a dark skinned face with thick African hair. The boy seated on my left side, pushes his body over me to show his friend a photo on his phone. I was officially very pissed off. Honestly, I am a 25 year old minding my own business and here I am stuck in between 15-16 year old boys giggling over a photo of two other boys (their classmates) that had been posted over whatsapp as one of them leans over and get in my space. Whats even worse was, this boy had the audacity to throw in a few lines at me trying to hit on me. I have never pulled out my mum’s look. I looked at him like I could honestly be your mother. My head directly did the math and honestly, I was in school when this child was in diapers.

I felt too violated. This 16 year old boy (i guess), look at me and was not shy to say that I was too beautiful and too fresh and at the end of it all called me ‘mresh’. I was confused. I shook my head, and looked at myself. I didn’t know whether to be flattered or offended.Were my jeans too tight? Was my top too fitting? It all felt wrong. Then, I turn to his friend on my right side who just sat there smiling as he licked his lollipop.

I was officially a cougar.I had just been introduced to cougar town. I was Courtney Cox. I played it out in my head…So, a high school boy had just hit on me and his friend was sucking on a lollipop…Mmmmh#IKent.

For once, I was dying to get to work and crossing my fingers so hard that he doesn’t ask for my phone number. That would have killed my whole day. I always make fun of cougars, and call them the real lions but no more.

Cougar town is honestly no place for me. These kids are 10 years younger than me and have the guts to even hit on me!!! I am officially too old if I am taking this issue to heart. I pride myself as being open minded, but honestly, I think I’m officially a fossil and a cougar.

As I go on with my day, I am hoping that the only male species that hits on me is Bae who for your information is older than me. That I can handle.

Be still my heart,

XOXO