An uneasy feeling turns into suspicion that led to sadness and eventually will start to get angry. Most often than not, this is me. A man who creates his own nightmare. A man who creates his own bogeyman at night. A man who losses himself when emotion goes up into his head. A guy who has this emotional insecurity.

I’ve tried my best to control myself, but in the end its just another failed attempt. Its not that I don’t trust, its more of a “What if someone better than me comes”,” What if I can no longer make her happy and someone else does”, ” What if I am the opposite of what she likes”, ” What if i cannot give all she wanted”, ” What if she didn’t like the way I acted”, “What if she realized that she no longer loves me”, “What if I lose her” ?

 

What if…what if…what if….

Everything is running in my head. I don’t want to think these kind of things………. It makes me crazy…..I don’t want to lose her. She is THAT important to me.

What should I do?  These “What ifs” will tore us apart.  I don’t want these F ifs to break us….

 

Dear Lord,

Please help me clear my mind. Please guide me to the right path where i should walk. Your guidance will help me get back to myself. I already lose a lot, and I don’t want to lose anymore especially “HER” who means a lot to me.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_insecurity

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jealousy

 

Just a few more days to go and march will end. And yet, still don’t have plans for the rest of the year. how sad :/

Like an organizer, I will list 50 things that i want, i should, and will do before the end of the year. This may be a little late, but still we have at least 9 month left! Now, i need stay online at least once a day just to remind me about my “SPECIAL MISSION”. And yes, I am very much excited! LMAO, this is my first time to do this and hopefully I will be able to continue this for the coming more years!

Here is my list of to-do things (1st part):

SPECIAL MISSION:

Hop-in! Hopping!Walking! Running! Gimik habang bata!

1. Out of town with GOW AND REYES FAMILY

2. Summer getaway with friends!! (pwede nmn post summer getaway)

3. Singa-singa-singapore!!

4. Attend at least 1 UAAP Game (GO FIGHT TAMARAWS)

5. Organize a mini get together (College friends/ MPMBs)

Depreciated,Appreciated. New things

6. Buy myself a wallet

7. New set of shirts aren’t bad either

8. Retire my good ol’ slipper

9. New bag wouldn’t be so bad either

Special for Special people

10. Buy a cake on ( anniversary of my father and mother, Bday of my father, mother, and sister) of course including Yahooo!!!

11. Special Gift for my tabz’ beeeerrrttddeeeeiiiii 🙂

12. Visit my grandpa and grandma’s you know…

Healthy Lucky me! with NAPA!

13. Finally enroll myself to a boxing lesson

14. 1 full month of not drinking soda!! aarrgghh

15. Successfully survive a month without eating chicharon

16. Eating my best bud “Ampalaya” (0/12)

17. Run for a cause (0/2)

Mixing, Fixing, Breaking, anything, nothing

18. Arrange the layout of my wordpress.

19. Arrange and maintain my office drawer

20. learn to wash clothes

21. learn how to cook my favorite kare-kare

Personal, personal, personal

22. Save Php 500 every cut off.

23. Post a blog at least once a week.

24. One big bang project

25. One month of without Leave and tardy. Yikes!

26. Ensure that everything in here will be done or the world will end.. 2012. lol?

Then second part will be released after Holy week. (reflection time)

Good luck to me!

Comeback greeting…….

March 22, 2011

Its been a while since i last posted my last blog. And yes, i missed sharing my thoughts and experiences to others. I promised a lot of post but I’m too busy for the past year to do so. And now, people will ask me if I’ still busy…… my answer for that is a big YES….

 

There are a lot of things that drives me to start blogging once again. Aside from killing my remaining time for the day, I want this to be an outlet, outlet of what I feel inside, what is on my mind and everything that is inside of “Kremlin”.

Yeah, most of you wouldn’t care and wouldn’t mind, but remember this is my blog, and once you open this link you are now part of this craziness, you are all my readers.

Well, maybe its time to end this once-again comeback greetings ( boxing? lol).  Hope to continue this blogging regularly.

 

Happy Blogging!!!

I’m living in a fantasy where I make my own paradise, do whatever i want and have what i want. Creating my own illusion world is not a bad thing to do. It helps me widen my imagination and helps me run away from reality even just for a while. People might call me coward for running away, but can you blame me for creating my own world?? Everyone knows that we cannot get most of what we want and sometimes what we need, so even for just a “thought” of having them even for a single minute would be fine for me. Why am i saying these kind of things?? nothing, its just that we cannot get everything in reality and we could only do so in fantasy. There are chances in life where you need to avoid something  in the real world just to keep things in its proper places while fantasies holds no boundaries. I just hoped that one day will come, where I can live with my own fantasies even just for a day.

In short, i learned that no matter what you want in life , and how desperate you are just to get it, they may not end up in your hands no matter what you’re intentions are.

– The heart is calling, So I’ll just stay here, and let the eyes do the talking while the lips are silently shouting.

(The title is a question which I wanted to ask to anyone especially to “the smile”, but I cant so just try to read my mind.)

PS as you can see, the thoughts are disorganized, i just put in the thoughts that runs through my mind. That’s how  chaotic my mind is.

Random songs..

March 2, 2010

( i love the lyrics of this song, i get inspired by this.)

I really love this song, reminds me of someone..

(i prefer the original version of this song, though you can see the video is in HD) LMAO

I just want to see her smile..

Happy 🙂

maybe…

February 26, 2010

Lately, somethings keeps bugging my head. I don’t know what to feel, i don’t know what to think. Its just that I’m so weak at these kind of things. I hate myself for being like this. Behind my laughter is myself covered with sadness,loneliness,insecurities, jealousy. Right now, i don’t know what to think, something’s messing up with my mind,  It’s a sin to keep it, but i want to think of it. All i want are those mesmerizing smile, i don’t care what others think, as long as I keep it to myself, I’m fine with it. Those smiles, i want to see them.  Making me feel better…

Its nice to be back….

February 15, 2010

Its been a while since i last posted here due to Queen Seon Deok. Yea I’ve been watching it for weeks now. (its good, try it) Guess I’m back again in blogging.  So ill start posting sooner or later. Hope you  read them again lol.

Coming Soon:

Ondoy

Final Fantasy VIII

and others..

and oh, i wont post anything about Valentines cause its a very cold valentines for me (bitter? lol kidding), and if i’ll ever post something, its  about others  lol.

Today is another tiring but exciting day( You’ll know it at the latter part). Earlier this morning, around 10 am, we( Me, lem, and lyn) went to BDO Alba Romeo to visit the people there and get our evaluation form,(allowance lol),  and certificate for our SAP requirements. Unfortunately, most of the LCTs were not present, including Sir Gremz. ( and also the one in treasury). We waited until 11:30 am hoping too see them but nothing happened. We still wanted to stay there because sir Gremz invited us to have lunch with him, but we politely refused because we need to go to UE caloocan to conduct an interview with one of the professor.( also, he is  an indie-film director) Lyn and I went to cubao to meet Mary Rose( aka Barang), while Lem went straight to monumento to meet he’s Baby(Liezl, lol)Jane and Seph.

We arrived at Farmers around 1:15 and waited for barang. We were damn sooo hungry!!! Finally she arrived. We ride on a bus going to Monumento and damn there’s no traffic but wow, the bus runs like a worm and stops almost everytime the driver sees a potential passenger even in no loading zone area (enforcers are still loading their tummies). Finally made it to Monumento but we decided to eat at MCU first before meeting with others. As always, if I’m hungry, the best place to go is at “Mang Inasal” (Be ready with your rice container, seriously).But this time, i wasn’t able to capitalize on “that”  (you know what i mean) due to time constraint. Damn! We met with others around 2:30 pm and bought a cake for the interviewee.

UE Caloocan, home of the red warriors. The home of people who ended our hope last UAAP (still bitter). Anyways we are there to meet my former high-school classmate who will introduce us to the interviewee. She accompanied us inside the UE campus. Sadly, she left when the interview is about to start because she has alot more to do. (ohh,, how sad 😦 lol).

Richard Legaspi is currently a professor in UE  and also an indie-film director. Currently , he has 9 films under his title and some of them are nominated in film festival abroad. He’s break out movie was  “Ambulance”.  And guys watch out for his next film featuring Enchong Dee and Erich Gonzales in “Paano ko sasabihin”. If you want to know more info about Mr. Legaspi, just listen to our report on March 13. (for those who are not my classmate, try surfing the net, he’s a promising director).

The interview went well, and it was fun! He even gave us his wordpress page!( come on, clap your hands please). Then we decided to go home. Then this is the exciting part, when we were outside of UE waiting the right time to cross the street,  someone in the group ( i forgot who was it)  said “Tignan niyo yung oh” while pointing at the bus. At first, I ignored it because I thought it was not that important, then I started to notice people running away from the bus and my groupmates we’re looking at the bus. So i decided too take a look at it and hell i saw the bus’ tire is on fire!!(maybe a new member of hot wheels).  And we started to run away from the bus cause it might explode! Even the passengers of the bus went out to run for their lives!! And we stopped running caus we’re too far now,but the bus suddenly ran for a few meters and again going nearer to us!! and what would starscream advice? RUN again! good thing the driver decided NOT to run the bus again and the conductor extinguished the fire before it creates a serious damage.  Thank God we were able to go home safely without being barbecued.

The bus line is a famous one. Why?? It was suspended because of an accident occurred in the past and it was even televised on the national TV! It starts with “J” lol.

PS: I’m very tired lol.. Part 3: Ondoy experience: coming…..

This is the part 2 of Ondoy experience, if u haven’t read the first part here is the link https://jcrimson.wordpress.com/2010/01/26/part-1-ondoy-experience-just-the-intro

Our friends took the Lrt 2 station, Recto to Santolan. Most of them are from Marikina and while the others are going try their luck by riding a bus in Cubao. I was with Lyn in D.Jose Station. At that time we’re still cracking jokes, laughing. Who wouldn’t? I looked like a farmer and she was like a girl who just finished her laundry at the river-side. At the last station (Monumento), we took our own ways. But in my mind, someones telling me not to go home and stayed with Lyn at Victory Mall. Because I really want to go home, I ignored that option. Then I walked through those floods again. And take note, If Morayta has the warmest flood, Caloocan has the coldest flood! (Like a glass of water with ice). Finally, I was able to find a jeep that would bring me home!

Along Del Monte (Malabon area), the traffic was heavy. We’re not moving for almost 20 minutes! So I decided to just walk my way home even if the rain is pouring soo hard and non-stop! (Umbrellas are useless). As I walk along the hi-way, I can see from afar that the Tullahan River was overflowing! People are brave enough to go against the current of the flood.(though that time, the water was stagnant :p) So I’m thinking of a way to get home, either I follow the people, like army of ants, going through the flood, or pay the pedicab driver and stand above their seat and let them transport me safely. But I chose the first option, I choose to be a BRAVE man, I started to walk through the flood with hard rains falling down from heaven. But in the middle of the journey (yes I call it a journey), I stopped and I even thought of going back because the flood was almost at my chest level! But as a man, I should stand by my decision! Retreating won’t do anything good to me especially at a time like this! I want to go home and nothing will stop me from that! Not even a fortuitous event like this! (I’m just trying to take out all the fears I’m feeling that time). And because of that i continued to walk and I was able to reach an elevated place (so the water level is lower, just around my hips) where jeeps are stranded and soaked in the flood.

Around 100 steps more and I could reach my home, but I decided to get inside of one of the jeep. I really don’t know why I went inside! I asked the manong driver seating inside his jeep ” Manong, ok lang kung pasok muna ako?” he replied, “Ayos lang”. And sitting there I can see the other jeep stranded and with some passenger still inside waiting for the rain to stop and flood to go down. Then some nursing students( 1 cute girl, the other is so-so and the guy was a gay) asked the driver if they could rest for a while inside. Before they go out of the jeep they ask me if I will go to the street where they came from and told me that the water flood is above the guy’s chest! and that was 5 minutes ago and the rain hasn’t stop! When I was about to go, the driver handed over a paper and ask me if i can contact the number! Because he allowed me to enter he’s jeep I decided to dial the number. The number was busy, i told him “Manong busy po” and he replied, “Pwede mo p ba subukan?”, then redialed it, still the same result and told him about it and he was just looking at me! Then I redialed it again and again, over and over again! I spent 10 minutes of my time dialing that number!! My feet can even feel the flood getting inside of the jeep! I don’t want to leave Manong but I can’t stay in there or else I won’t be able to get home so i told him i needed to go, still he thanked me. When I was about to walk, the flood is higher now, from hips now it reach my chest, (and this is an elevated place) I saw a middle aged woman, around 50’s. She’s having problem walking in the flood so I helped her. Good thing we live in the same street so I held her hands and and walked together. We haven’t reach the middle but the water level is high, around above chest level! The woman is kinda short so she’s leaping already and told me “Kaya pa ba natin? aabot ba tayo?”. Honestly I can still go on but when I looked at her, I know she can’t so I just told her “Balik po muna tayo, mataas msydo”. So my goal of getting home was become more and more and more impossible.

Part 3: Ondoy experience: Coming soon…

I thought yesterday was just an ordinary day just like in the past. Wake up every Wednesday and Saturday at 9am. (Our class starts at 12). Listen to our History professor (class, wake up). Then 3 hours of break before the next class (ok, let’s study. LMAO). After the 3 hours of almost doing nothing, Humanities is on the next line. Time is sooo slooow when you’re enjoying (figurative language used :p). At 6 pm, our next subject, World Literature. I like this subject, everyone does right? Credit to our professor! (No irony here). Finally, the last subject, Rizal!( same comment as the previous one).

The class ended around 9pm. As always, I’m joining some of my classmates to walk along Recto to the Lrt station. Imagine the street of Recto at night, where only few people passing by. No police, no tanods patrolling, Scary right? But we don’t think that much, just walk and talk, that’s the best counter for that.

As we pass along Recto avenue with some classmates. (We’re 8; only 2 of us are guy in the flock). Of course, chatting while walking is part of the routine. We were divided. Rosita, Karen, and Reg, Sissy( the other guy) in front, they are around 5 feet ahead of Me and Roch( no issue here, I was just carrying her laptop) then our distance with Abi,Gly and Jeane was around 8 feet if I wasn’t mistaken (they are at the back). Then near the Bus terminal 3 people had joined us in the walk. (I just ignored them). While walking I felt something around my backpack. Then when i was about to look at my backpack (my head turning to the left) I saw with my very own eyes that the other Guy opening the bag f Roch! And the guy was sooo damn ugly! He’s a cross dresser! I dont know if he was a real “gay” or just pretending to be a woman! He’s hair was almost covering his face but i still saw his “HELLISH” face!! He’s face is as ugly as he’s intention!! He even has a tattoo on his hand!!(Like tweety bird) I stared at him with my eyebrows almost embracing each other! Good thing they decided to go, but I wasn’t able to see the guy at my back (the one who’s opening my bag). Though i know he’s also UGLY like he’s friend! After that i told Roch that the “UGLY” cross-dresser tried to open her backpack and she was in shock because she got her wallet in there! Good thing it was still there and the planned of those Hephaestus-looking cross-dresser was a failure!( Like their faces, it was a total failure).

Lesson: Always be alert, wherever, whenever you’re outside. Make sure to keep you’re valuable possession. Remember that risk is everywhere, we cannot absolutely terminate it, but we can mitigate it! Beware of those better-to-have-no-face-at-all, HORRIBLY UGLY, dogs-butt-are-way-cuter-than-their-face looking bad guys!

Ondoy Part 2: coming

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