Ohhhh did I get your attention? Good. Hello, good evening and all that. I wanted to tell you about the day I lay in A & E with a crash trolly next to me…. It changed the way I lived my live and how I saw my own little existence.

When I was 16 I left home in a huff to live with my boyfriend, and all I can say is isn’t hindsight a marvellous thing!? I lived like my body would last forever and that nothing I did had any consequence.

When I was 17 I basically didn’t go to college, I assumed I would pass and that was that. then I started waking up in the night coughing…. Not every night to start with- but often and enough to make me tired and grumpy. I started coughing up blood, but I assumed it was due to coughing too much.. *good logic eh?!

My coughing turned to struggling to catch my breath.. And for a few nights in a row I sat awake, petrified, as each breath tore ragged through my lungs. who couldn’t lie down as this stopped my breathing at all. After five days of this I decided to go to the doctors, and I was unable to walk there. I kept collapsing and it took nearly two hours for a five minute walk. When I arrived II never saw a doctor, they just rang for an ambulance, I was rushed to A &’E and it marked the beginning of the rest of my life

I learnt how and ECG monitor works, what my oxygen stats should be…. How close the crash trolly is left to you as an indicator… I also learnt I had a clot in my lung… Which had done damage that could not be fixed, I was told in no uncertain terms this is what would kill me. Maybe not right now, but one day.

Did I mention how much it hurt? I was on a,k the drugs in the world and the severing pain in my chest didn’t leave- it never has- I fractured a rib coughing as an ironic reminder of where I have been. I can’t laugh without it aching. For years I was in and out of hospital. I couldn’t count how many injections, tests and procedures I have had.

But look- look now…. Aside from pesky asthma I’m ok. I was told I wouldn’t make 21… So here’s to believing you can be more than someone says… Its a wonderful life.

32. That is what I am going to be in two days. 

Before you moan at me and tell me I’m young it’s not the age that bothers me… Not at all. I’m kinda looking forward to being older as I assume wisdom will arrive in bucket loads. January is a tough month for me…. Yes I know… Not as tough as for some other, and they know who they are, but I always dread it and spend the last week in particular sabotaging my birthday. You know, ‘forgetting’ to invite people, becoming ill, and just generally not wanted to join in. This is not like me- I am by nature a joiner-in-er. I volunteer for god knows everything at work and I even like role play. ( not in THAT way!) * honestly! 

Birthdays to me mean thinking with more purpose about my own adoption, and especially having my own children struggling to think of how that could come to be. I’m will say this now, I would like to meet my birth mother, but my doing so would kill my wonderful Mum and I worry I would be a disappointment.

Anyway- I am going to make this year positive, so here are 32 short things about me that I like. 

1- I was renamed after Rachel the android in Blade Runner.

2- I have stopped biting my nails 

3- I love and I am awesome at my job

4- I like that I am a crier. I cry a lot- it is better than walking round like a bomb about to go off and people know where they stand with me….. 

5- I am the worlds BEST at cuddles. Feel free to try this out if you ever meet me

6- I do not get cross, I am just *disappointed. Effective

7- I have 3 tattoos. None of you know what all of them are.

8-I am a terrible flirt. I like this. Unsure of the karma

9-I nearly died when I was 17. Crash trolly and all. 

10- Suits and converse make me go all funny and inarticulate 

11-I love photography but I am rubbish at it. 

12- I read everything on the A-level lit syllabus by the time I was 10

13- I love Who but dislike LOTR

14- I like the beach better in the rain than in the sun

15-when I was 15 I never thought I would make 16

16- MSP, the band, till I expire

17- I have dyslexia and dyspraxia. translate: I great narky if people correct my spelling and I trip over a lot.

18- I used to only wear blue. Have branched out of late. 

19-I am running out! 

20- I can sing. Go on prove me wrong!

21- it is impossible to teach me to play poker. IMPOSSIBLE

22-I used to smoke and I wish I never had. 

23- I have had 7 psychiatrists in my lifetime. 

24- I love the Southbank a lot. Walk me to the Tate modern and let’s go look

25-I used to be really good at yoga. Like party trick good

26- Teal is my favourite colour 

27a certain type of glasses appeals to me a lot

28- I’m getting more geeky as I get older

29- Im also getting more cross about things I read in the news

30- I have decided I want to do the most good I can in the world 

31-I have OCD. It’s not too bad, will add tot the list of quirks

32- im still here. Still smiling. Now that is pretty cool.

That’s it. No more mentions this week. I’m smiling now. Geesh! It’s a funny life, but one that I am loving living. Thanks for reading 

I know, we go to work and it’s dark, and we get home and it’s dark….. Exams loom….meetings….deadlines…..all that stuff. I thought I would share some of my first few days back at work reasons to be cheerful. Sometimes it’s nice to appreciate the little things because they make the big picture much less gloomy.

First of all when I go back after the holidays, not everything had fallen off the walls. Maybe I should have taken a photo of my classroom to illustrate- I have zero wall space left, and I spent a lot of time sticking it back up- so to not have to is brilliant. I also cannot emphasise how LOUD the speakers in my room are, and I like to get in early and dance about. I’m sure that everyone else does not appreciate this- but I bloody love it. In fact I just love my classroom full stop- I spend so much time there it is second home. 

Exams season soon, and I am filled with confidence that I can get them through, get them to achieve their potential, get them to where they need to be. Exams are tough on teachers too and we should remember to be kind to ourselves. I have decided that this means sitting in the bath and reading books I should have already read. It’s marvellous and I’ve trained the boys not to disturb unless there is an accident involving blood loss. 

My geriatric kitty is still going strong and I wake up every morning squashed between him and my youngest who has legs that work in stealth mode for sneaking into bed. The first five minutes of every working day is a love cuddle fest…. And come on now we all like hugs. 

Since I restrung my guitar my kids like me to sing them stories- like a knock off Julia Donaldson- only more rubbish at rhyming. I think our Big Pig audioboo illustrates the usual chaos.

I’m also really excited/terrified about all the courses and everything else I’m going to this month. So much to look forward too! On a very superficial note someone at work noticed I have lost weight so many living off soup and salad is paying off, and I have just painted my nails black- so I look like a budget goth- should I do my hair to match?!

Nothing deep or meaningful- just little things keeping me smiling.

I have put off writing this for what seems like a long time. I think I saw the task as being a list of expectations, which I was fearful I wouldn’t be able to meet. I dream big… Really big…. And so instead I am going to see this not as a list of terrorist demands, I am not a hostage in my own life, but as a list of dreams. I think we should all dream big,  bigger than sometimes our surrounds, stress levels, personal problems allow us.

1- impending for me is my birthday. Some of you know I am adopted, and my birthday and Christmas combined make the holidays quite difficult for me, especially since I had my own children. I wonder about the strange dichotomy of being such a special baby that a childless couple choose me, but also how my birth mother could bare to give me away. I have a letter from her through social services that was given to me when I was 17. My birth mother played guitar, liked history and politics and described her own mother as a bigoted old bitch. Gotta be a bit of me in there somewhere! My dream for this year is to think of her in a thankful way, she had the grace to give me the best upbringing and loving parents. 

2-I played in an orchestra for years, and can pretty much pick up any instrument. I can, apparently, sing… But I don’t do any of these things. Well this year is going to be different! I can’t draw or paint, doesn’t stop me from trying, so why should music be any different?

3- I need to do something about my general health. I had a pulmonary embolism at 17, and nearly nearly died. I have never been really well since. So… I have started running. Good god I am rubbish at it, but I would like a time when I’m not dependent on medication and fainting at the drop of a hat. Dream big… I’m going to get my lungs in shape. Bugger you blood clot!

4- I am going to spend more time crawling on the floor building train tracks, playing pirates and trying to indoctrinate my kids into liking Doctor Who. Don’t get me wrong, my boys are happy, but I would like them to grow up to be as happy and fulfilled as I feel… And positive role modelling is my plan. Let me know if there is a better one.

5-Last year I had CBT, which chased away a lot of long term demons. We talk about the black dog, but mine is more a shadow. Maybe it’s the time of year but I have been up and down like a yoyo recently. I don’t want to be a level playing field, that isn’t me… I’m usually up up up and get things done, make things happen. I guess I would like to block out the dark with the light that I can be.

6-We are moving house in March. Local school full. Honestly thinking this might drive me to the edge… My dream…please can my lovely eldest get into a school we can walk too. Doesn’t seem unreasonable.

7-I am really lucky to have some really sought after opportunities in training coming my way in January.  My dream is that the faith in  me which my college has shown is not unjustified. That I can make the most of every opportunity given to me and go on to make positive changes in the world. I ask myself, where can I do the most good, and I hope I am up to that challenge. As a side note I hope the appreciate my amazing grown up clothes, and that I don’t look like a total fake.

8-This is a big one for me. I need to speak out at work more and tackle some of the institutionalised dogma which is affecting the institution. Less hiding in my classroom, more showing the world I am articulate, informed and not to be messed with. 

9-sparkly red converse. Santa was rubbish!

10-I need, and indeed am, going to get myself to a TM and meet some of you amazing folk in person. Feelings of inadequacy have stopped me before.. But so many people ask me to go I bloody will. Even if my hands shake. By the way, if, sorry, when, I do go, please say hello to me. I’m not brave enough to start talking to people on my own. I’m hoping that this   General low level anxiety will go after the first one….. Dream big.

11-oh work! OFSTED are due… Exams are imminent…. My dream is I keep it together and do the best for my kids that I can. Let’s not dwell….

12-little dream… I want to stay in touch and keep talking to everyone who has been so supportive of me this year. I won’t do names, but you know who you are. Thank you to each and every one of you.

13- An easy one. I want to stay myself, I want to stay happy. I want to think there are no problems without solutions, nothing that hard work and a smile can’t fix. Maybe it’s naive, but it’s got me this far.

So here’s to 2013- thanks for sticking with me- let’s go make things better.

12 Great things from 2012

1- My Sociology results were in the top 4% of the country. Take that private school down the road! When I came in during the Summer on results day I actually went dizzy when I saw them and had to lie on the floor before I got up and did a happy dance.

2- I am actually being listened too and valued at work. 

3- I’m going to evidence this with being sent off on numerous courses one of which I had to interview for… Although this means I am going to have to dress like a proper grown up and in reality I am getting glittery converse for Christmas. 

4-I got my own classroom! And so far I am have painted Banksy images on the walls and drawn all over the windows. Everything classes and I have run out of room for putting up work. I love it, and to paraphrase Full Metal Jacket…There are many like it, but this one is mine!

5-I have a really good relationship with all my classes. I genuinely am moved and impressed by their talent and potential in every lesson. The kids make this job amazing, and it motivates me to be the best I can be for them.

6-After two years of frustration with my sons school, we have decided to move. Nearer to work so less M27. Should have done this a long time ago. Please hurry up and build my new house!

7- I have learnt to wear heels all day and my feet don’t hurt. And I love swishing round like I own the joint! Worth pointing out them every day I do this one of the kids asks if OFSTED are in, hahaha.

8-An odd one but no car accidents- since the big one last year where I shook for weeks and couldn’t drive for longer this is a total win. A total wake up call that as far as I know we have one life, and we should live it…. Although I am now totally distrusting of lorries. All of them, nasty big brutes.

9- My geriatric cat is still with us. I’ve had other losses this year, but my mog keeps going and he is the only one in my house who listens to me all the time!

10- is it too superficial to say my hair? No? Excellent. Bloody love my hair colour, shall be red or dead for a while now.

11-My boys are amazing, they are everything important to me in two little people who don’t much like pasta. The eldest is like his dad, quiet and conservative, and doing amazing things all the time with an intensity and focus that is scary. He wants to be a scientist and cure cancer, can’t say fairer than that. The youngest is like me, hell on wheels impulsive and stubborn and utterly  charming. Not that I’m all that charming…but he is…good job too the amount of things he breaks.

12- Last of all my lovely twitter family.. People who talk to me when I can’t sleep, can’t think of how to teach something, who have changed my view of the world and my place in it. Thank you all, it is a total pleasure.

13 things to change coming up tomorrow…..

I fought against writing a blog for a long time. I didn’t think that really I had all that much to say of interest. Also years and years of being beaten down in school, for what I would later find out was dyslexia has put me off communicating like this. Let’s get this straight now, if you see a spelling mistake, I really couldn’t care less.

I am 31. I have two little boys, and I am a teacher. Not one of those goes to work and hates the job teachers. I love my job with every fibre of my being. It is a continual source of amazement that I can help kids get into university. I love making a difference, and I strive to make the A-level experience as enjoyable as possible. I like to think my learners are engaged and challenged, and in my heart I know teaching is what I am truly good at.

Today was my day off. My youngest son is ill, so we stayed in all day. At around 11am I had a phone call from my Mum. You know the feeling when someone rings you out of the blue, the unease that something isn’t right……. Instinct was right, and my mum told me in a shaky whisper that my Grandma had died.

My lovely, northern, Grandma. She had been ill for a year, and since the death of my aunt last year really everyone in the family knew it was just a matter of time until cancer won. She had been in a lot of pain, so this was a blessed relief for her, but I am left wanting to tell someone, anyone really, about her. She meant something to me.

My grandma, June, loved ITV with a strange passion, in particular Coronation Street. She always gave me packers of polo mints as a child, and ate salad cream with everything. When I was little she had a dog called Lady, and I used to hide behind doors and leap out on the poor hound. My grandma outlived her first husband who died shortly after being retuned from a POW camp in Burma. She married again, and went though the agony of her second husband die of cancer. She always looked respectable and polished, even after her illness, and her influence is quite clear is my own mother. Once she was given a warning as she got all their lady friends in her housing block tiddly at 11 am on sherry, and was the life and soul of any party.

June is the last of my grandparents to die. This means my parents are next on the mortal coil firing line. One day I will be a grown up with no parents, and I will be the only family to my own children, who cherish their grandparents. In some respects life is cruel. People are taken from us, leaving us bewildered and bereft. I prefere to see a pattern, and life is to be lived one day at a time, where we can see the beauty of our surroundings and appreciate the brilliance of the individual’s we interact with every day.

I am going to leave you with this, my grandma, June, didn’t ever work, she was no ground shaker, but she breathed into my mothers and to me, a strong sense of caring for your family and enjoying life, you never know which day will be your last.

I am writing this blog like I expect no one to ever read it, thank you if you did. Let’s make every day count