5 years later...

...since my last post. It's like a blink of an eye and time just passes by. I've been distracted with life and so much has transpired since my last post, which was written while I was in Hawaii. Healing continues for me as I am working through some incredibly intense stuff and the growth I am experiencing, while painful, is bringing about some beautiful lessons. I am clinging to Hope, Joy, and Peace, even in the midst of angst and turmoil. My enemies are my thoughts as I work to rewire my thought processes and how I view myself. It's a daily battle and one that I am determined to win, even with little steps. I am willing to wade into the discomfort of vulnerability in order to share my story. I want to be brave and to love fiercely. My story hasn't ended because I've taken a 5 year hiatus. It continues....

For those of you who have not given up on me and continue to check back into my little corner of the blogosphere, I am thankful for you. 

It's Time....

Preface:
Oddly enough, I am typing this post while vacationing in Hawaii. 

Prologue:
This blog has been deafeningly silent for over the last 6 months and I'm fairly certain that my "following" has been reduced to pretty much non-existent.  However, if anyone has continued to faithfully check back on my little corner of the blogosphere, please let me know who you are.  I'd love to say "thanks" for not giving up on me.

I honestly don't even know where to start here, given that so much has transpired since my moved back to the British Columbia.  The last eight months has probably been the most painful time of my life.  And believe me, I've experienced my share of pain.  The move from Philly incurred such excruciating loss, I almost felt like Job, crawling on the ash heap, crawling on my hands and knees, crying out to God, "Why me?  Why this suffering?"  Through my pleas and cries, God appeared to stay hidden...."I cry out to you, O God, but you did not answer." (Job 30:20)  Like Job, I often felt like I was locked up in the padded cell of my own mind and it was incredibly difficult for me to talk about my suffering with even those closest to me.  This last year has been one of learning and I hope, one of growth.  While I could dwell on the suffering and anxiety that I have gone through over the last eight months, I don't think that it would be helpful to me as I continue to move forward with my own healing and with my new life in the west coast.  Although I still miss my life and my community in Philly immensely, I am determined to continue moving forward with my new life in Vancouver.  I have started to see changes in my heart occur as it has started to slowly open up to new experiences and new relationships.  I know there is a purpose for my suffering - God's purpose.  He has allowed me to throw at Him my grief, my anger, my doubt, my bitterness, and my disappointments...and the thing is, He can absorb it all.  One thing I have been slowly learning is that God and His purposes are much bigger than I am.  I think I am starting to have a clearer perception of my Creator however, while I haven't yet "arrived", I am convinced of God's infinite wisdom in allowing this move back to my hometown to happen as I start to catch glimpses of His grace and goodness around me. 

To be continued...

Weary and Weeping

"I am weary with my moaning;

every night I flood my bed with tears;

I drench my couch with weeping. 

My eye wastes away because of grief; 

if grows weak because of all my foes."

Psalm 6: 6,7

I've taken to reading the Psalms on the train while on the way to work and this morning I "happened upon" this particular passage.  It resonated with me given what I've been going through these last few months since my move back to BC.  

It's been hard.  Very hard. 

Which is why I've been quite silent.  

Writing has always been quite therapeutic for me as I've used it as a medium to process the thoughts swirling through this head of mine; which is why I started this blog 7 years ago while I was living in Camden.  This blog is a huge reminder of my years living in the east coast, which is why I haven't been writing.  It still hurts.  Even now, as I type, the tears are starting to well up.  I continue to be in that Valley of Baka, where I continue to desperately cling to the hope that God will turn my weeping into springs to quench my thirst, bringing hope and healing in this desolate and dark place I am in.  

 

Writing about saying my goodbyes the morning I left Philly, the drive across the country, and what this summer has actually been like, well, let's just say the grief is still very fresh and it would be like pouring salt into an open wound.  

Maybe with time, I'll be ready. 

Philly Bucket List Update II

I know, I know.......I've been so lax with my bucket list updates.  Fortunately I have been able to cross off some of the items on my list over the last few weeks, however, as with most of these types of lists, some, if not most are not crossed off.  It's the effort that counts, right?

A few weeks ago I went to Philly's city hall with my friend, Whitney, and took the elevator all the way up to the observatory deck, right below the William Penn Statue.  We rode up this small, rickety, elevator right up to the top of city hall which had me feeling somewhat claustrophobic and a little freaked out.  I think it was more the fact that the elevator seemed so old and there were windows on each side of the elevator where I could see us climbing higher and higher.  I ended up clinging to Whitney's had because I was so freaked out.  Yes, this is the same girl who rode on the London Eye a few months ago ALL BY HERSELF!

So here you see William Penn keeping watch over the city of "Brotherly Love".  It rained a little bit while we were up on the observatory, which is why this picture is a bit blurry.

And here we have the western view from the observatory, the Ben Franklin Parkway, leading up to the Philadelphia Museum of Art and the Schuylkill River.  What a breathtaking view!

Another western view of center city, boasting some of the taller buildings.  The first one to the left with the spire on top is Liberty Place, the middle one is what I believe to be the Independence Blue Cross building, and the shiny, glassy, newer looking one is the Comcast building.
 

 And here are Whitney and I with a view of center city behind us.  I'm looking a little terrified here.  Can' you tell by the way I'm clinging onto the bar?  

The eastern side of the observatory boasts the Ben Franklin Bridge which is suspended over the Delaware river which connects Philly, PA to Camden, NJ.  I lived right across the bridge in Camden for about 8 years before moving into Philly.  I was that close to Philly as my place was right next to the Delaware river.  For about 6 years I drove across this bridge on a daily basis to go to work. 

And lastly, a northern view of Broad Street, which is a main artery in Philly, approximately 13 miles long.  Every first weekend in May there is a 10 mile race called the Broad Street Run starting in the northern part of Broad Street and goes all the way down to the Naval Yards, which about 5 miles south of city hall.  And yes, I did run this race this year.....

All geared up and waiting for the race to start with my close friend, Courtney, and her friend Lorna!

Valley of Baka

"As they pass through the Valley of Baka (weeping), 

they make it a place of springs, 

the autumn rain also covers it with pools.

 They go from strength to strength, 

till each appears before God in Zion". 

Psalm 84: 6-7

Pain and I do not mix very well and lately the brokenness I've been experiencing has been been quite intense.  This whole process of packing, purging, and saying good-byes is hard. While I am grateful to have this month off to prepare for my move and to spend time with precious friends, I have felt so alone in the process, like I'm in this desert surrounded by miles and miles of sand with no one else in sight.  This is a place where I need to lean on the One who is the Living Water, but it has been so difficult. I know He has promised to faithfully and gently lead me in the desert but I am having a hard time trusting in this truth.  Right now I am in the midst of "the Valley of Weeping" and I am desperately clinging to the hope that He will turn it into springs where He can quench my thirst and bring hope and healing in a desolate place I am in at the moment.

Realization

I just realized that I only have two more weeks left at work.  Then another month and a half before I move back to Vancouver. 

My heart is hurting. 

Philly Bucket List Update I

So I am determined to post in this blog every time I cross off an item on my "Philly Bucket List".  So which one made it off the list?

One of Jose Garces's restaurants, Distrito, located in the university city neighborhood on 39th and Chestnut.  This wonderful modern Mexican restaurant which boasts an array of diverse Mexican street food.  Distrito  has quite the palatable happy hour from 5:00-7:30 PM and the decor, very kitschy, with the traditional Mexican wrestling masks on the wall and upon entering the restaurant the VW Beetle taxi which has been transformed into a booth as you enter the restaurant.

 I started out with the Feliz Margarita at the bar while waiting for my friend Elizabeth.

 The guacamole and salsa mexicana were delish!

 Another happy hour special was the tacos de carnitas which was super flavorful with its pulled pork, black beans and pineapple salsa.

 Oh and the tacos de mahi mahi...words cannot even begin to describe...it was like having a party in my mouth!!!  

For dessert we had the Churros with two different dipping sauces: a spicy valrhona chocolate sauce and a cajeta crema, which is this incredible blend of a goat cheese and maple syrup.  After that first bite, we almost died and went to heaven.  At this moment I'm kicking myself for not taking a picture of this delicious goodness we had for dessert!!!!

And here I am with my dear, sweet, friend Elizabeth...fully satisfied with yet another Jose Garces restaurant.  And yes, I highly recommend Distrito, especially their happy hours!!!

Next stop?  Why yes, another Jose Garces establishment.....JG Domestic!