A return of… me?

About a year ago I dead certain on retiring this blog. I even set up a new one (but… can’t remember the web address) so have spent even more time rethinking this one. Kialtho is my online identity across the board, and I have come to the weird conclusion that I can’t just shed that identity. So perhaps, rather than having dissolved this one (I mean, I kept all the history here rather than deleting the blog) I’ll bring it out of hibernation and see where it takes me.

It’s been an interesting year and a bit. I’ve moved house twice. I’ve endured really quite a lot both at work and at home – to the point where I’ve had to seek out therapy and start a course of antidepressants (really, this isn’t a surprise!) but I’m a much more rounded, healthier person for it. I rediscovered hobbies that I thought were gone, I’ve learnt new skills (like woodworking and using a lathe!) and I’ve just in general become a better person.

I just reread one of the last blogs I wrote. This one is sounding a little similar to that… oops. I am still with my soul mate. We have been together for about a year and a bit at this point. We’ve done so much together in that time too – from travels across the country, seeing Nickleback live, fossil hunting on the Jurrassic Coast, random days out here and there, planting veg patches and just living our best live. It’s been such a joy to experience, this is what a relationship should feel like. Supported, equal, and together. We are soppy together every day, whether it’s in how we tell each other we love each other, or how we navigate through the tough times – of which there have been a fair few due to the linked history of us (like trying to sort out a divorce when you’re contending with a narcassist – it’s just hard work – but it will be sorted one way or another soon enough I hope).

I have discovered along the way that I could quite like being a housewife. Sort of. I mean, it will never happen as I’m too into work for it to be a thing, but I’ve made things like jam and cakes, and I cook almost everything from scratch. You have no idea how much of a joy it is to cook for someone who enjoys my cooking, who gets excited because I’ve tried a new recipe or done something differently. No chicken and chips here thank you very much! Unless I’m on a late, then that’s been the case just recently haha! But at least it’s something we can laugh about rather than something that triggers me.

I’m excited to see if the veg patch will produce anything. We’ve planted cauliflower, broccoli and mangtout and also have some salad bits like spring onions, lettuce and spinach. Probably don’t have enough space for all of it, but let’s see what happens!

I think I’ll try and write like once a week or something as I get back into the swing of things and see how it goes.

I do think I need to change the overall name of the blog though!

Be safe,

Kialtho

I have written just under 530 blogs in my time as Kialtho. That’s over 14 years, which isn’t that many in reality. Kialtho is the person I became to share my knitting, my book reviews, my thoughts, my ideas with the world. Kialtho became my escape from the world too.

My email address is linked to this identiy, this unique name I can have on pretty much every network I choose to go on, but I think for now, for WordPress, I am going to retire the name. I love writing these journals, I love spending the time reading others, but I think… it’s time to retire this blog. It’s something that has been on my mind for some time now so it’s the right thing to do.

In time I am sure that I will create another one, with new wonders, creations and thoughts on the world, but for now… it’s time to say goodbye to Kialtho and release the onus of this blog.

Thank you to everyone who has supported me over the years, read my book reviews or said kind things about my knitting and crochet. I hope to still see some of you around, it’s like… ‘goodbye for now, not forever.’

Keep safe,

Kialtho

02/04/2024

Okay, okay I was supposed to write sooner. In fact, I did start writing… then stopped. So much has happened even since my last entry that finding time to just do things such as writing things like a blog entry has been absolutely bonkers.

There is a lot I would like to write about, but I just can’t, not yet, because I am not sure who in my real life reads this blog. Is it egotistical to think that those who think I have wronged them would read this? Yes, probably, however, it’s a risk I can’t take as I used to share this blog to my Facebook every time I posted an update. I mean, that’s something I haven’t done for years but it’s still a risk if a lightbulb went off in their head ‘oh let’s check up on her on there!’ especially as I’ve blocked various people over the last few months who had the potential to make my life a living hell. Suffice to say, the abuse I expected to get has basically been 2 text messages about how I’ve ruined marriages. I haven’t but that’s the perception that will be in play for the rest of my life and that’s just what it is.

Do you believe in soulmates? I believe that the relationship I am in goes beyond a mere connection to someone. I think there is something about this relationship that is beyond the everyday, and the closest I can come to describing it is akin to soulmates. But even that doesn’t feel like it touches the surface of what we have. And it’s not me just being soppy, I know that it how it reads… but it’s like it transcends time and space and every waking moment when we aren’t together is agony.

Alright, I maybe straying into some dramatic flair there, but the point remains.

I wasn’t planning on moving in with him for some time, and I really thought that we wouldn’t make it to this point considering things that had happened in the past, but here we are living together, setting up a home together, learning everything there is to learn about each other. The living together part was really the only way we could be together so that is what we have done. We looked a property on a Monday and had the keys by the Thursday it was that quick (I think they liked our salaries more than anything in all honesty).

A lot of things that led to this point are the things I can’t go into detail about but I can tell you all that I am the happiest that I have ever been in my life. That’s not to discount that I haven’t been happy before, but I was utterly broken down by the 14 year relationship I had that in the end turned me into an ice queen. I am not her anymore, not by a long shot and that means more than anything to me. I learned to enjoy life again. I heard myself laughing again. I met some new people, made some new friendships along the way, and then moved home.

My new home is now complete with my cats too. I was really concerned that I wouldn’t be able to have them with me, and then when we were able to have them for some reason I got really nervous about having them back as I was concerned they wouldn’t like me anymore, or that they would cause damage to the property.

And in terms of the property I am really hoping to be able to save enough whilst also private renting to be able to buy somewhere in the future. Life is very different now, that is for sure, and whilst my outgoings are probably about the same as what they were when I was living with my ex, everything feels far more affordable now because the person I am with treats me as an equal and isn’t just after what money and salary I do have. It’s weird, because I am treated so well and quite frankly, I am just not used to it. Things like being first on the escalator because it’s not right I go second, carrying my shopping bags from a shopping spree or holding open a door for me and insisting I go through it first… paying for lunches or dinners, paying for the food shopping… these are things that I am sure is completely normal for most people but for me – this is new. There isn’t onus on me to be buying dinner, or sorting the food shop, or anything… it’s equal and it is liberating.

I am still tempted to shed my Kialtho identity but I am not sure whether, in the long term, I can really get rid of her. I’ve lived as her for such a long time… it would be sad to. But at the same time I am not her anymore?

27.12.2023

I’ve been wanting to write for a while but thought it better to stay a little quiet and allow myself the time to process some of the things that have happened in this last year. What a year it has been? I have absolutely zero regrets about ending my 14 year relationship. The casual gaslighting and emotional abuse I endured had to end and I feel so much better about myself and within myself. I have lost nearly 2 stone in weight since April which shows that it was the choice to make.

I also met someone and loved again this year, but because my heart and brain couldn’t move on from something else that happened it sadly wasn’t to be – it wouldn’t have been fair on him, and he knows that as well. I am hoping that we can work at building what will be a great friendship from that as well. He will always hold a special place in my heart too for seeing me at my lowest and picking me up and putting me back together again and I hope that he knows that too. We shared a special time together and I will never forget it either.

I have plans for the new year – including finding somewhere to rent by myself (and hopefully still being able to save for a deposit for a house which maybe optimistic) but as much as love being home with my parents the rest of my emotional healing can’t be done here. I need that own space and time to figure out just what is going on in my head and heart. There are just things that I can’t do here and it really impacts how I am approaching life, the universe and everything in it.

This year has also seen my love for creative writing come back as well. Nanowrimo was extremely challenging for me because I didn’t really like the story (plus ‘life’) however I have decided to break the story down into its parts and begin world building and what I want from it, and it’s been quite cathartic. Like I have no idea if it’s something that there would be an audience for in the long run, but I’m enjoying this process which isn’t something that I have ever done before.

I decided that in the new year I want to experience some more things – so I have tickets for a comedy musical thing called Fascinating Aida and tickets to Nickleback – both of these are things I would never have considered doing before so I am looking forward to going to both of them. Nickleback has come to mean a lot to me with one song in particular meaning the world to me (it’s strange how music and songs can be so full of meaning?

There isn’t really much to add for the time being. I have got my love for crochet and knitting back again, so I’m working on some projects in the background although I haven’t shared my recent makes (I’ll do that in another post) but I don’t think I’ve made a lot of things though, it will be good to share!

There is something else I’ve been contemplating… and that is whether to retire my Kialtho identity and create a new one. So many people know me as her and I’m not sure whether I should continue that especially in light of the big thing I need to talk about but shouldn’t incase the wrong ‘in real life’ people happen to stumble across it? I’m not sure if I would have made that sort of impact but what if they remembered Kialtho and I spill my guts out and then… the people I don’t want to do know, know? I don’t know. I love being Kialtho so maybe I’ll keep inside some more.

I think I’ll leave it there for now – except to wish you all a good Christmas and a happy new year!

Be safe,

Kialtho

5/11/23

I was planning to write every single day of November but have already missed a couple of days! Frustrating! I have good reasons to have had missed it though, so not the end of the world.

Todays work count is just over 10k, and I’m really happy with that. As I’ve likely already mentioned I’m a bit out of practice with the writing thing so the actually words are a bit shit but at least I’m actually writing again!

Happy writing.

10,229/50,000

02/11/2023

Day 2 of November sees the weather turn absolutely appalling with Storm Ciaran battering it’s way across the south east of England. It’s dark, it’s moody, and it’s absolutely perfect for writing.

I have had what I feel is a great start to the month, ending day 2 on 5588 words. I was aiming for 6k but my ability to concentrate went out the window about half way through an episode of Midsomer Murders and I felt a strong desire to crochet instead.

What I have learned over the years of doing this is that this marathon writing session needs to be taken day by day. I have got to a point in previous efforts where I get to a certain point ahead of the graph so that I can have a day off without feeling guilty about it, so that the pressure of maintaining the word count doesn’t become overwhelming as it can be hard to get into a focused mindset to catch up or even get ahead again. I’m vaguely planning on having an evening off early next week if I’m in a good spot with it.

NaNoWriMo does odd things with time, wouldn’t you agree?

It’s nice having the right support for it too – as Peter is also doing Nano we can cheer each other on through the word counts, relate to the stresses and frustrations that this month is totally going throw our way.

It’s going to be a mad month. I absolutely love it.

Keep safe,

Kialtho

5,588/50,000

01/11/2023

Ah, that November 1st feeling. Quick, open the laptop and write! No plot? No problem!

I definitely don’t have a plot, but I have written 2490 words which is impressive considering I haven’t written in a very long time. At the moment I’m feeling like some sort of urban fantasy, so will roll with that and see how it goes.

I had a quick look through some of my old NaNos earlier too, about the stories I have written. It’s mad to think I’ve written so many and not done anything with them. Maybe that will change in the future!

Are you doing Nano this year? How are you doing?

Day 1 2490/50,000

Keep safe,

Kialtho

31/10/2023

It’s the night before. The night where normality exists for a mere few more hours and the chaos descends.The world shrinks to the laptop, writing, word counts, sprints and making it through on a wing and a prayer.

If you’ve followed my blog for a long time you’ll know that it’s the night before NaNoWriMo – National Novel Writing Month, the month where likeminded people like myself challenge ourselves to write a 50,000 word novel across the 30 days of November. In previous years I’ve written a blog post each day to suppliment it, and being as though I have done neither since 2020 I am tempted to do both. I wonder if there’s enough in my brain to write for both.

I have quite the history with NaNo. I started back in 2007 when I was in my first year of university. My best friend and I decided that we would give this crazy challenge a go to see if we could. I hope that novel still exists even though it would 100% be awful if I were to reread it this days but it was still an achievement. I didn’t ‘win’ that year, but the experience was something else. Most years I have participated since then, excluding a few key years such as the year I started knitting. 2020 was the last time I did it though, I think I was spent mostly emotionally by someone who on the surface supported me but then resented the time I would spend writing.

This year is so different. Not only do I have a boyfriend that supports me writing (and I think itching to get me writing again) but also participates in it himself – and even more so is an ML for the region, so can share the pressures of this crazy month. I can’t wait for work to end tomorrow so that I can grab my laptop and sit and write. I have a vague idea, like most years, but I won’t know what I’ll be writing about until the words start to flow from the fingers.

In 30 days time I’ll have the start of a novel to the tune of at least 50,000 words.

Let’s do this!

Hettie the Halloween Gonk

Hey, look at me with another finished item to share with the world! With all the changes in my life recently, it feels good to be getting back into the routine of crafting and creating. I write more these days, even if it is only a journal for my eyes only, but it feels good to be putting pen to paper and watching the ink flow. I’m blogging more too! I have also agreed to go on holiday to the USA in January next year as a last minute switch for a friend. I applied for a passport and got it back from the passport office in less than a week, so it is clearly meant to be. It’s going to be an interesting time.

Life is in a vastly better place than this time last year. I have someone who cares for me in a way I have never experienced before, and it’s so refreshing being treated like an equal in a relationship. I can’t wait to see where it goes! We are also planning some holiday time next year too!

The item I finished I’m happy with the overall result, but it was a bit of a ball ache to put together. And weirdly ate up a lot more yarn than I was expecting. I made a Halloween themed gonk for one of my assistant managers. It didn’t take too long to make either, about a week from beginning to end.

I chose some WI yarn from Hobbycraft as it’s good to work with and has some good colours in the range too. I also use it for a lot of other things too as it’s easily accessible.

This point had me in absolutely stitches for ages, espeically after I had added the hair.

The pattern itself was okay, but wasn’t something I wholly gelled with being completely honest. If I were to make it again I would convert everything to working in the round to make things more seamless. There were points in the pattern when it would say attach a part but you hadn’t made it yet (if that makes sense) so it felt a little like backtracking sometimes

I’m glad I made it though, and my ASM loves it. We decided to call her Hettie. Appropriate for a Halloween witch.

What do you think of Hettie?

13/10/2023

Today is my dad’s birthday. I think I’ve always done something to commemorate it, because it’s a birthday and birthdays are special. My dad turned 66 today, and for the last year or so has been flipflopping on the notion of retirement, pensions and the like. He has decided to keep on working for the time being. I can’t ever see him retiring fully in all honesty, but I’m sure he will at some point. Whilst I didn’t get him a present (and he doesn’t have any requests either!), I do share my love in another way (baking!)

This week I’ve also been off from work, so have put that time to good use to. Aside from seeing someone special a good few times and taking my new car for a spin, I have done some baking! Me and mum made the Christmas cake and got some cute tins to put them in too. It’s has been a long time since I made a Christmas cake. There was no point making them when I lived in the flat as he wouldn’t eat them, or otherwise moan ‘you should do it this way’, and I would never be able to eat a whole cake like that by myself. One year I made mince pies from scratch and that didn’t go down well either because it wasn’t jarred minced meat (and they didn’t taste like those his mother made). (For anyone not British it’s a sweet raisin/cranberry/cherry mixture… not ground beef).

Christmas Cake

But enough of that! The Christmas cake has been made ready for this year, once a week or so we’ll ‘feed’ it some brandy and it will be yummy and tasty and rich come Christmas.

Today I have also made a coffee and walnut cake. This is one of my dads favourite cakes so it was a pleasure to make it. Hopefully it will taste good later.

Coffee and Walnut cake

Over the last few years, like many of my hobbies, I lost my love for them. Baking was one of those things that I lost. Since I’ve been back with my parents I haven’t made much (cheesecake, one of my specialities), but I have been reminded just how much I enjoyed baking and making things. And hopefully, that means that there will be things that I can share with this new life I have made. Perhaps as time goes on I’ll share some of what I make here.

Hope you enjoy the look of these cakes though!

Be safe,

Kialtho