It’s been a while since I dedicated a whole post to my D/s dynamic with Dad. Sorry to keep everyone waiting…A nebulous thought has been floating in my mind lately that roughly boils down to Dad’s stroke and its impact on our dynamic. Not sure if I can hash them all out in a single post, but we’ll see where this train of thought takes me.

Dad had his stroke three years and five days ago. It has been a wild ride for all those involved. His stroke was the catalyst for my plan to relocate. Within five years, we made it happen. We, as in Dad, me, and Hubby. We all contributed and sacrificed in our own way and I am grateful for every thing that fell favorably to us.

Even though Dad and I no longer play as hard as we used to, his dominance never left him. He never relinquished his leadership role. Not even when he was slipping in and out of consciousness. In those lucid moments, he’d stop me in my track as I frantically looked for doctors, nurses, and therapists. He’d assure me that things were going to be okay. No matter how weak he was, his command was my wish. I sat and listened as he struggled with words and sentences. The nuances in his grunts and gestures became my command. His insistence of my nightly phone calls as I drove home from hospital became my new unspoken rule.

He was hospitalized for about a month. He was particular about his patient room from the way his personal belongings were organized to his daily recovery routine. As frustrated as I was about his peculiarities and insistence over certain details, I had no choice but to conform. A dominant man knows his needs and wants. He’s not shy about letting strangers know what he liked and disliked. That to me was at complete odds with my people pleasing personality. I’d observed the lesson of saying “No”. I still find it hard from time to time to stand my ground.

Initially, I was scared that Dad may never talk again. Yet he persevered. Not only did he regain his speech, he slowly regained his ability to sit, stand, balance, and walk. He learned how to write with his left hand and he’s actively looking for ways to use his right hand. Through his grueling journey to recovery, he’s always in full control of his temper. Of course he was frustrated that he could no longer use his dominant hand, but he never lashed out and hurt me due to his frustration. Not once. For those times I got my feelings hurt was because I was ignorant of his struggles and stopped listening or paying attention. He was quick to point those out and I’d walk away with a bruised ego. Yes, to certain extent I do pride myself as a good caretaker. Deep down I know my shortcomings and to have those pointed out so bluntly certainly stung quite a bit.

I have deep respect for Dad. That’s perhaps the primary driver for my submission to him. It isn’t the cuffs he put me in nor the highs I get from a spanking. It’s the little seemingly invisible actions that define his character that binds me to him. Even if he were to lose his ability to talk or be self-sufficient, I’ll still stand by his side until the very end.

Hubby and I have got most of our daily routine down. We both love our current town and none of us have experienced any buyer’s remorse just yet. We shall give it a year at least to see if our opinions will change. Having said that, I’ve finally started my job hunting process a couple weeks back. Had a plan of taking on shifts by end of this month, but the more I looked the more I feel I need this whole month to talk to people and feel around to see which clinics will be the best fit for me.

I have to say my looking for a new job has been the hardest part about this whole relocation process. Although I am lucky enough to admit that I will not have any problems finding a job here, I do find the whole process of vetting new places extremely taxing and uncomfortable. Part of me just wants to plop down and start working, while the other is actively pointing out red flags for me to slow down, breathe and take my time to deliberate. After all, money is not a priority. Finding something that fits me is much more important. Besides I am bound by Dad’s first rule of not allowing harm to myself via action or inaction. So while the submissive me wants to please and serve others in need, the rule is forcing me to locate any problems down the line that may cause me harm.

Oddly, I find all of this similar to vetting for the right Dominant. I had thought about using the word “good”, but the more I thought about it the more I feel it is the wrong word to use here. There are no doubt many good Dominants out there just as there are many well intended workplaces in the world. The key question is if that Dominant or workplace the right fit for you and vice versa. It’s a question of finding the right lock to unlock with your key. Not a question of if that lock works or not.

Just another thing to ponder in my busy cluttered mind.

Hubby and I finally relocated safely to our new home. It’s been a journey, but we’ve made it to our next milestone (no more mortgage payments!). Now we are taking our well deserved break and preparing ourselves to climb the next summit of life (retire on passive income).

Without kids or any plans of having kids, our life’s purpose isn’t parenting. Seeing the current state of things, I honestly feel bad for kids growing up alongside smart phones, social media, and increasing presence of AI. Technology is good to a point. It’s detrimental to our minds when we allow it to rule our lives. That goes for many other things like money, power, ego and so on.

So what will bring value to my life going forward? I’ve been mulling over this question for longer than I care to admit. I thought about how life is never a constant. As much as people prefer their normal, life is always changing however fast or slow it maybe. Change is something I need to embrace. So, I came up with the answer “experience”.

It’s funny how Dad, Hubby and I were just talking about how English is the most difficult spoken language. “Experience” in this context means I want to experience good quality of life rather than quantity. I want to experience love by fostering relationships with whom I have deep connection with. I want to experience sense of wonderment through learning and exploring. I want to go on adventures and experience new things so when I’m old and decrepit, I can tell myself what an experience it had been.

Hope everyone here has been well.

We are entering the final stage of moving. Most of our house is now empty of our stuff. Our mattress of 10 plus years is once again on the floor waiting to cap our moving Pod. There is still a bunch of things to do. Need to change address for everything. Need to terminate our utility services. Need to prepare for our cross -country road trip with three dogs. Need, need, need…

Since we came back from our Alaska trip, I’ve been listening to various podcasts and self-motivational videos to keep me going. One of which was an interview with a Shaolin Master (I will link it down below). It’s a profound conversation about life and death, about unrealized dreams, and hindrances to reaching self-mastery. In which the Master mentioned something that resonated with me, “We came from nothing and we will leave with nothing”. For those of us who are lucky, our legacy on earth is on average 80, 100 years max. Be really selective of what you choose to pursue in life least you realize that you’ve been climbing the wrong tree. There is no do-over here on earth. At one’s death bed, money, status, title, achievement and so on will no longer matter. What ultimately matters is if you are at peace with yourself. Of course, if you can reach peace in your lifetime, then you’ve attained self-mastery. This certainly gives the phrase “Rest in Peace” with a whole new meaning all of a sudden. Why wait until I am dead to find peace?

So, my interpretation of our Founding Fathers’ Declaration of Independence has been wrong all this time. When Thomas Jefferson included the “Pursuit of Happiness” as one of the unalienable rights, he actually meant physical, mental, and spiritual well-being instead of fleeting joy we get via material things. He meant peace not a hit of dopamine release. Happiness and sadness go hand in hand. Just watch Inside Out to understand the abstract concept of those two emotions. As our language change over time, it’s should be “pursuit of peace” than “happiness”.

I am not going to get into the five hindrances to self-mastery, because I am not qualified to teach them yet. Which nicely transition my thoughts to finding a Master. Master in this context is not Master and slave but Master and student. Someone who’s currently mostly qualified for that position is Dad although there are times I can spot his flaws. So, goes the need to search for connections and wisdom. Instead of exchange of power, I desire transfer of knowledge and wisdom. I want to live a balanced life where my decisions are not swayed by positive nor negative emotions. A life filled with adventures yet allows time such as this to reflect and introspect. A life where I have learned the courage to face the unknowns instead of cowering in my own doubts and fears. A balanced life. A fulfilled life.

If I am lucky enough to be old and decrepit, hopefully I’ll learn how to age and die with dignity. So, I stare at this empty house. It was once empty before we moved in. It will soon stand empty ready to be part of someone else’s memory. It’s an exoskeleton of our life. We are about to shed it and move into another.

My grandparents were loving soft spoken couple. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the two raised their voice at each other. Grandpa knew when to shut up when grandma was mad. That’s how they maintained their marriage for sixty some years.

Chinese people don’t show their affection through hugs or kisses. Nor do they say “I love you” much if at all. They show their affection through food and everything relating to food. Husband comes home, wife will say something along the line of “food is ready, come and eat.” One of the many reasons why Chinese have so many dishes is so that we can share. We sit down at dinner table and have conversations about our days. Unlike westerners with their own plates of food, Chinese serve food to each other to show their respect, appreciation, and love. There are many unspoken etiquettes around dinner tables. From who gets to eat first to order of food eaten. Who pours tea to whom, and who to serve food to whom. Many Chinese dishes have meanings. One can show their well wishes by cooking and serving certain dish. We serve noodles to people on their birthday to wish them longevity because noodle are long. If you are well versed with Chinese language and culture, you’d pick up on those subtle languages that are now mostly lost to me.

Thinking back, my parents had different table etiquette than that of my grandparents. Mom cooked seldomly and dad 2.0 cooked fish and meats. The task of cooking soups and vegetables was passed on to me. I was 12 at the time and I learned how to use a wok. Not great but enough to satisfy our tummies for one or two meals. There were no love languages nor messages of care. Maybe once in a while through dumplings we made. I remember the time when my parents came home with 20 or so McDonald’s hamburgers. They were on sale and were meant for me to consume over days if not weeks. Wonder why I never eat at McDonald’s? That was the origin.

I hated when my parents fought. They fought over dinner table and in grocery stores. You’d think they had enough decorum to behave in restaurants. Nope, they fought in restaurants with or without guests. I was terrified when they fought like cats and dogs. But you know what’s scarier? When they don’t fight. Calm before the storm. The invisible land mines I was afraid to detonate. They were that volatile. I spent my teenage years terrified and confused. Mom wondered why I was so distant. I felt alone. With loneliness came pain and suffering. Mom always chalked up my outbursts as teenage angst. No, my outbursts were my way of pain management. I was suffering and was in pain. No one saw it, something so obvious.

When I watched Secretary for the first time, I instinctively related to Lee’s pain. she went a step further and learned to cope with cutting. While self-harm never crossed my mind, I learned to cope with anger. Each time my parents fought, I’d equip myself with a quill. That’s how I became the porcupine I was and I terrorized Hubby when I brandished all of my quills. When Mr. Grey took responsibility over Lee’s pain, it was a pivotal moment for her and I. It’s the scene where he asked her to stop cutting herself. It was the moment he saw and understood her pain. I resonated with that scene but I didn’t fully comprehend that scene until now. The weight of that suffocating loneliness and pain is now shared between two. It’s transformative for someone suffering so long. Dad is Mr Grey in my book. He saw and understood my pain. He took responsibility of my pain and is now guardian for all of my pain. I am still a porcupine mind you, but my quills are retracted most of the time. Pain is no longer my constant companion and anger is no longer my go-to defense. He now toys with my pain whenever and however he wants. I trust him with my pain because I know there is an end. No harm, no foul. So, pet me if you dare, I promise I won’t prickle or bite. If you are not sure, just offer me a piece of watermelon. I’ll be your best friend.

My moving checklist is getting shorter and shorter. That leaves me with more time to reflect and make more meaningful connections.

For twenty some odd years, California has been my home away from home. It never truly felt home for me. Home is where my loved ones are and the loved ones from my previous life are all buried in the same place. I suppose by that definition, California is still my home. I am just not so sure how to communicate with the dead.

This week I went and visited my best friend from child hood. We haven’t talked to each other for years. Much of her has stayed the same, but then of course she has changed a lot too. Prettier but with a hint of sadness. Bubblier but much more frantic. She’s now a single mother of two lovely girls. I wonder how she manages just by herself. She fell victim to a true narcissist. I know she’s still hurting from deep within. I told her that before I leave California for good, there is no one else I wish to see more than her. We were best of best friends until life, career, and love interests drove us apart.

She was right that when we hit certain age and maturity, we seek connection from our old friends. They bring a sense of familiarity and comfort. She asked me why Virginia? And how I came to be Dad’s daughter? I’ve contemplated about telling her the truth, of showing her my blog, but I held my tongue. She is not ready for an alternative lifestyle yet. The wounds in her are still fresh and raw. I told her that my home will always be hers. My family will always be her family. With that we parted with the promise of her visiting me in Virginia. While she may still be in survival mode, I’ll make sure to reach back to help her realize our promise. Perhaps then I’ll reveal this blog to her.

It’s bitter sweet to leave our current house. This place has offered us shelter. I won’t say it’s a sanctuary, because it has always been a work in progress. That’s part of house ownership though. There is always something to tinker. We wouldn’t have been able to purchase this property if it weren’t for the help from my mother’s inheritance. For that, I am eternally grateful to my mother for the jump start she’d given us. Mother would be proud of us though. We didn’t squander it for an elaborate wedding nor honeymoon. We kept our noses to grindstone and worked our way towards financial freedom. We are close, oh so close that we can feel it.

We celebrated our progress with our Alaskan trip. While the trip was over, our memories of it will remain a constant reminder that next phase in life will be packed with adventures big and small. We will focus on quality rather than quantity. That time is more valuable than gold. That to maintain our health to the best of our ability is our greatest responsibility for each other. Together, we will face uncertainty hand in hand with our heads held high. Life is about to get so much more exciting.

“It was worth it!” I coughed and would let everyone know that our 10-year anniversary/delayed honeymoon/birthday celebration/milestone celebration trip to Alaska was worth every penny and every second of our 11-day Alaskan trip. We did come down with some sort of flu. It hit me harder than Hubby because I partied too hard with a pod of humpbacks the night before our return voyage. Two weeks had passed, and I am still coughing from time to time. Hubby asked if I’ve learned my lesson of dressing appropriately for cool Alaskan nights, I’ll have to honestly admit “no”. I will still dart out of our cabin mostly naked with just a coat, a pair of pants and my trusty camera at moment’s notice just to get a glimpse of what mother nature has in store for me. Otherwise, how am I supposed to share my adventures to my fellow readers?! I mean come on and look at this!

Rewind to last year when I was planning for our 10-year anniversary trip. At the time, I didn’t realize we’d be buying and selling our houses and move cross country this summer. I just knew both Hubby and I have interest in enjoying an Alaskan cruise together. So, cruise it was. I booked one, by happenstance, in the middle of our move (I do not advise to schedule a cruise when you are moving. Just saying). I didn’t want to book any run-of-the-mill cruise that’s shared with some 4000 to 5000 passengers. I wanted something more intimate, and I wanted a cruise that allows for maximum wildlife sightings and nature exploration. That’s how I came across expedition-cruises with Uncruise. For those who are not familiar with the concept of expedition-cruises, trips are more expensive per person, but food, alcohol, and excursions are all included. Boats are usually small at 30-100 passenger capacity. Ours happened to be at around 73. What they lack in size and endless amenities that you can find in those giant floating cities, these cruises make up for with maneuverability, tons of daily excursions, and meaningful connections with fellow cruisers and crew members. So come along friends and let me show you what it’s all about. (For my fellow cruisers, if you happened upon my blog, I just want to let you know it’s NSFW. If you we were to meet again through our future adventures, please keep my lifestyle private. Thank you!)

We begin our journey with flight to Juneau, Alaska. Our first lesson of the trip, flights to Sitka, Ketchikan, Juneau, or Anchorage, Alaska from Seattle, WA can all be lumped into “one flight”. It’s like riding a sky bus almost where the same flight will land and take off from above mentioned cities in sequential order. You better pay attention to your final destination least you miss your “air-station”. Just kidding, there will be a staff at every stop checking to see if people are getting on or getting off in proper order. As we observed, passengers do often swap their seats or claim seats that are not theirs. So be forewarned that you may be staring at a stranger sitting in your assigned seat if you chose to fly into Alaska.

We spent an extra day and half in Juneau just to acclimate ourselves to the weather and time. We also planned for an extra day at Juneau after the cruise to unwind. Due to Alaska’s location, sun never truly sets during summer months. So, be prepared to see sunlight at 1 am in the morning. Even though I did my research and chose the dryest month to visit Alaska, it’s still a rain forest where it’d rain for 20 minutes and stop for another. I packed semi-accordingly with good waterproof rain jackets while completely overlooked that waterproof pants might be a good idea as well. Felt like an idiot when rain soaked through our semi water resistant hiking pants. For sure, I won’t be making that mistake again.

Port of Juneau was filled to the brim with gift shops and Jewlery stores. Two giant cruises were docked at the port when we visited. Seeing the disgruntled passengers who disembarked at Juneau, I was glad that we weren’t on either one. Keeping up with the theme of adventure, Hubby booked Alaskan Hotel and Bar for our pre-embarkation and post-voyage stay. It’s a historic landmark located at the center of the port. Nothing could go wrong with that choice, right? Right…It’s haunted, it’s dated, it only has one, ONE, UNO toilet and shower stall per floor, and it’s also the only place that offers nighttime entertainment for locals over the weekend. The music down at the bar was loud and the DJ was mediocre. I died a little at the end of our trip with my flu and pounding headache. I had missed the royal treatment on the cruise, and I demanded escort to the bathroom in the hallway least I got teleported through an alternate dimension. If you are okay with all of that and is on a ghost hunting trip, then this hotel is decent with clean rooms.

Embarkation day! We finally get to see our ship, Wilderness Legacy. It’s tiny compared to its giant counterparts, but I like things small and kawaii. Our captain personally greeted us at the dock. Got our pictures taken for later reference amongst our fellow cruisers and crew members. It’s little touches like such that made Uncruise so special! We were shown to our cabin and the beds were surprisingly cozy. The bathroom was small but functional. Proper safety debriefing was done as our ship silently sailed out of harbor. We were quickly ushered to the dining room on the first floor. There we met our first of many fellow cruisers. As we all excitedly talked about what we wanted to see, a humpback whale breached out of the water. Only our table got to enjoy the spectacle as everyone else were distracted with their delicious rack of lamb. We got a private viewing of a breaching whale. That marked the beginning of our magical cruise through the Inside Passage of Alaska.

Day 1 was embarkation day at Juneau. Day 2 we stopped at Dawes Glacier. Right away, people were ushered onto skiff boats after our first of many omelet and bacon filled breakfasts. If you are an early riser, no worries, there were coffee and pre-breakfast cereals, muffins, and fruits to fill you up. It’s a Hobbit life we lived on that boat. There were breakfast, second breakfast, elevenses and afternoon tea (aka cookie lunch). All to provide you with energy to kayak and bushwack and whatever that strikes your fancy. Although, I do wonder if it’s their secret plan to fatten us up and toss us to the bears…Sounds plausible. Why else so much food?! Sorry for the side track, their kitchen staff deserve some sort of honorable mention. Anyway, back to our first skiff boat tour. Every skiff boat was accompanied by a driver and an expedition tour leader. It seats additional 12 passengers. To my surprise, the floor of the boat undulates with the wave underneath. I am sure it had something to do with stability, but still it was interesting. Our tour leader was overly ambitious and hauled out a giant chunk of floating ice. Glacier ice is different from the ice from our refrigerators. It’s much denser and clearer formed only under immense pressure beneath hundreds of feet of snow. It was passed around for us to get a feel as curious harbor seal watched from all around us. It was our first taste of many activities to come.

That afternoon, we elected for kayak 101. It was our first time kayaking together and according to our instructor, two-person kayak are known to be divorce boats. Imagine the person in the front can see but has limited ability steer the kayak and person on the back can steer but has limited view. So, we rowed along the shore like drunken sailors and survived yet another challenge that tested the bond of our marriage. We came back intact and mostly dry. Mother nature was very cooperative that afternoon and offered us two-hour window of sun. We saw our first harlequin duck. I didn’t bring my fancy camera. Photo opportunity lost.

Day 3 we were parked at Robert and Crow Islands. Due to changing tides, we chose a tide-pool walk in the morning. While we didn’t pack any rubber boots, expedition crew member did fitted each of us a pair to borrow for rest of the voyage. Those rubber boots were known as the Alaskan tennis shoes. Thank goodness for them that I came back with my knees intact. Tide-pool can be a bit of a slippery, dangerous mess if you are not careful. We poked and prodded with our walking sticks. The more adventurous ones flipped rocks left and right. Me being me went and caught fish and crabs with clamshells for pictures. There were starfish of every variety. Big, small, standard five-legged to lucky six-legged starfish. The craziest one of them all was the sunflower starfish. Don’t let its pretty name fool you, it’s a fierce predator as I was told.

We went on another skiff boat tour that afternoon. Mother nature was a bit temperamental while we were out. Winds and rain were changing in every wich direction. Technically you weren’t supposed to stray far from the shore, but one brave team of skiffers went and chased after a pod of humpback whales. I was told they came within 300 feet of them and I was a bit disappointed that our leader was more cautious. But all of that went out the window when captain announced sighting of killer whales (also known as orcas) later that evening. I was on the phone with Dad when that happened (note cell signals were shoddy at best). Not sure if I’ve even said good-bye before I hung up. Camera in hand and I captured the number one marine animal I wanted to see on this trip! There were two males and a few females. Males have those prominent dorsal fins. I am pretty sure our chef was a bit miffed that the sighting happened right before dinner. Gormet food on demand pending wildlife sightings! I was a happy camper by then and told Hubby that I’d be happy even if we don’t see anything else for rest of the trip.

Day 4 we were at Tkatz Bay. Got a bit of dopamine rush from our previous kayaking tour, we went for another 2-hour kayak in the rain. Did I mention that Alaska is home to many varieties of bears? It’s got black bears of different color varieties (yes, they can be black, brown, and even silver), to costal brown bears to inland grizzlies. Up north, it’s got polar bears and to the west on Kodiak Island, it’s got giant Kodiak bears. Each variety of bear has their own territory. Previous day we were in black bear territory. On day 4 and following day, we were in costal brown bear territory. So, as we kayaked, we encountered not one but two costal brown bears with their distinct shoulder hump. There is so much I want to write about the natural history of these animals, but this post is getting ridiculously long.

So onto Day 5. At wee morning around 12:15 am, our co-captain’s voice gently drifted into my dream. “Hello, hello. Northern light is out and visible. Come out and see”. Half of my brain was instantly awake. The other half was still dreaming and drooling over the orcas we saw previously. As Hubby was slowly getting out of his bed, I was out on the deck looking for the fabled aurora borealis. We could see the sunset/rise? over the horizon. If we squint our eyes just enough, the unmistakable veil of lights would slowly appear in the sky. They were faint due to the light from the sun, but thanks to our advanced camera sensors that we were able to capture the spectacular show that mother nature had decided to showcase. At that point, again, I repeated to Hubby and fellow passengers that if captain decided to head back, I’d go home satisfied and let everyone know that it was money well spent. But wait, there is more!

Day 6 was a day teemed with wildlife. We arrived at Inian Islands home for hundred if not thousands of breeding stellar sea lions. We went to tour around rookeries where they haul out to breed. Due to the geological location, the water is rich with food for wide array of marine mammals. Along the way we saw sea otters with their pups. Giant male sealions jostling for prime breeding grounds. Various marine birds and bald eagles galore. I did decide to brave my camera in rain and ocean water. I didn’t really regret my decision but also learned a thing or two with nature photography. Preset all of the camera settings, get a filter to protect the lens and filter out excess light, be ready to contort my body on a bouncy skiff boat while simultaneously not go overboard, grip onto my camera as if my life depends on it and shoot away. Results weren’t bad, but I am pretty sure it was one of the compounding factors that got me sick later.

Day 7. We arrived at Glacier Bay. we walked up close to the glacier and just stared at something so awe inspiring that we were at loss for words. The silt under our feet were soft but sticky. According to our expedition leader that it’s a privilege for us to be able to set our foot on Glacier Bay. A permit was needed and only less than 10% of tourists visiting Alaska ever get to do what we did. We painted our face with silt and tasted the glacier ice. We concluded our off-boat activities with Uncruise’s tradition: polar plunge. We didn’t participate but many did. By then I was feeling the exhaustion from our trip on top of everything else that was happening at home. Little did I know, I came down with an awful fever later that night. The trip had to end one way or other. We made friends with our fellow cruisers and crew members. We are still sharing pictures as I type. One crew member had offered me a closet to hide in so I could be their unofficial photographer. Will see what captain says, I’d make for a lousy deck hand.

Along the way home, we were able to see a few other iconic Alaskan wildlife. There were mountain goats scaling cliffs and elusive puffins that were hard to spot. All in all it was worth the money and effort. We will be back hungry for more!

This is a response to Mr. Grey Man’s inquiry regarding the nuances of my relationships with Dad and Hubby. How the D/s dynamic with Dad is interwoven into my vanilla relationship with Hubby and how the sexual aspect is structured while holding my marriage close to conventional standards between a husband and the wife. Since we all know D/s can be super charged with sexual energy while vanilla sex is much muted, I’ll try to explain how I manage the two energies and my current understanding of them. Mind you, this is a work in progress…Frankly, I maybe as confused as any one of you readers. As feelings flip flop from time to time, I have to pause and take a moment to reflect. So bear with me as I try to compartmentalize.

I am married to Hubby for 10 years (will blog about our 10 year anniversary trip sometime down the line). We’ve known each other for another 10 years or so. He is my best friend and the integrity of our marriage is of utmost importance. Him and I have always had vanilla sex. We did try kink related foreplays yet my mind could not get into it. I don’t get turned on by the act of kinky play per se, I like mind games and I prefer constant barrage of them. Hubby has been my first and only sexual partner and vice versa, so vanilla sex is all we know. Before my health issue with PCOS and endometriosis, I liked sex. A lot. Think I was more sexually charged than Hubby. Then came the awful bleeding after sex and the sharp tearing pain from the intercourse itself. I am now, unfortunately to admit, a bit put off by sex…so much so, I feel like I have PTSD from all the pain and discomfort that as soon as Hubby shows any interest I’d divert his attention to something else. It’s something I want to work on mentally because I know it’s not fair to Hubby. Him and I have talked about this. In fact I’ve brought it up with Dad as well. With our current big life transition, this problem is on the back burner, but will be addressed in earnest once all dust settle with our move.

Having interacted with Dad over the years I realized that sex for me isn’t really the action itself. Most of it, dare I say 80% of it occurs in my brain. This is the part I still have difficulty explaining, because Dad, intentionally or not, is the one who initiates mind games that so easily render me weak-kneed so to speak. It could be from something so benign as me helping him tinkering with his car or mower and he sees a clamp or zip tie or what have you that he thinks maybe useful elsewhere on me…For those of you who are dominants, you know what I am talking about. It’s Dom magic and in a way I prefer not to know their sadistic thought process. The mystery of what Dad is going to do to me is more than 50% of fun.

Then there were times where Dad would caught me off guard. It’s usually toward end of a serious conversation and he’d nonchalantly mention that a spanking would do me good or that having me tied up and gagged would calm my mind. All of a sudden those mental images would flood my mind and whatever serious topics we were on would fly out of the window. I am pretty sure part of him is serious and part of him wants to distract my mind to a lighter less stressful topic. But still, my submissive me would skip a heart beat and rest of me just brush him off.

Hubby had asked me on multiple occasions of how to play those mind games. I’ve mentioned to him that he’s consulting with the wrong person. Talk to Dad about it or go to a munch and learn how Dominants think. I don’t want to know their thought process because it’s magic to my submissive mind and I don’t what anyone to pop the bubble so to speak. So, I did found this local munch at our new location that we maybe going to soon. Dad has agreed to go with us too. I am a bit apprehensive about the latter as Dad can be a very harsh critic towards other so called dominants. For a very good reason mind you. He’s seen too many damaged submissive who he has to help them back on their feet. Most of time reality is not as pretty as fantasy, submissive especially need to beware…

As for physical aspects. I’ve mentioned that Dad and I like impact play. I don’t think I’ve mentioned that our preference for impact play is different. I prefer lighter and more tolerable pain while Dad prefers heavier force. I do have to note though, Dad’s strength is above average men, he can easily break bones if he wanted. I am sure the force he chose to use on me is very much moderated, but in my mind it still hurts a ton. I’ve heard masochists getting off on pain. That’s not the case with me. I just ride it until he decides to stop. In those cases I don’t have safeword. He is so keen with my body’s response that he always stops short of my limit. I did let him know that I’d like him to push me past my limit one day so I can completely give into pain. It’s a weird mindset I am sure a lot of submissive/masochist share. I think it’s a psychological anomaly yet completely healthy for certain people like me. Don’t know.

Breast torture. Ah…that’s something Dad really enjoys. I am neutral on it although I do have to say more and more I am starting to like it yet still hate it. I did mention Dad’s never seen me naked yet I do walk around his and my house braless. I hate wearing bra due to lack of comfort rather than sexual titillation. Heck, I prefer to be nude given the right temperature. I do prefer to have my safety panties on (we have dogs, they shed, don’t want dog hair in unwanted places). It’s just a hassle to put clothes on when I can just go and do things. Anyway back to breast torture. I hate nipple clamps with a passion. The only thing that makes me “enjoy” them is knowing how much it pleases Dad. So he now periodically just put a few clothes pins on my shirt collar to remind me what he can do. E-vile.

Bondages and gags. Aesthetically speaking I love them. I love seeing images of beautiful Shibari works. I am an self proclaimed artist who is into figure drawing. So seeing a beautiful body tied up in various poses does please my mind. That love for beauty does not translate to love of being tied up and gagged. My body is not as flexible as it should be and I don’t like large ball gags. It could be that I am over reacting, but I am not yet used to sustained pain and discomfort. Haven’t learned how to mentally process it to lean into them. Something I want to work on more in the future. Is it arousing for me? I honestly have to say no. I’ve never had the chance to consistently associate bondage with sexual pleasure. I may change my mind if I get to experience that.

Plugs. That’s something I’ve been interested in trying. It’s an aspect that we are cautiously experimenting. Since Dad is not directly involved with the actual anal play, I do ask him if I can put one in. On occasion Dad initiates the instruction but most of the time I do the asking. Other than that, there is not much else to share in this category.

As for the arousal aspect and need for orgasm, I do ask Dad for permission to orgasm. Again he does not directly participate in it but rather give me the privacy to masturbate on my own. This is also something I brought up to Dad and later Hubby. It’s a touchy and sensitive subject for all three of us, I don’t think we have fully ironed it out yet. So the rules have been quite lax and to my submissive mind quite unfulfilling. I am sure this is an area that will evolve over time that’s what communication is for. So stay tuned for that development.

While I know there is a clear sexual need from Hubby, Dad has never expressed any of his. I am sure he is human and has his carnal needs, but for now it’s inappropriate for him to ask nor is it appropriate for me to initiate. I do notice his arousals when we play, but I feel it’s a hard limit for either one of us to cross. Also there is this weird psychology that he is my dad, which prevents me to venture further into what I consider as infidelity territory. Of course pending people’s cultural and religious backgrounds, many would consider what I do with Dad as adultery. In many ways I struggle with that thought. Ultimately though, I feel many people are narrow minded and allow their fear to take over their thoughts and emotions. Us humans are complex creatures. Even the best matched couples/soulmates will have needs unmet. In those cases, is it better to sacrifice one’s needs and stick together or is it better to open up one’s relationship and enrich everyone’s lives in the process? If jealousy and envy does not exist, will the concept of marriage between just two people still exist? Just food for thought.

Dad always says I have a curious mind. To this day I am still not fully convinced because I’ve been conditioned to believe as a child that I was lazy and simple-minded. While I do ask a lot of questions at times…I only do so when certain conditions have been met: no stress, no distractions, and no time limit. For now, it’s hard for me to be curious of anything, because Hubby and I are moving cross country. There are loads of things on our to-do list, but I didn’t really come here to write about our moving logistics. For now I just want to write something that’s not so stressful.

My curiosity has greatly shaped the type of relationship I have with Dad. Most of you know that Dad is also my Dominant yet I don’t consider him as my Daddy Dom…I feel little in his presence, however I don’t identify as Little. If one were to look into his toy box of happiness, he owns the stereotypical toys from paddles to floggers, to cuffs, to ropes and chains…Yet the thought of us having a sexual relationship is so taboo in my mind that I feel repulsed to even consider it as a possibility. I know we are an enigma to many kinksters and vanilla alike, but I am starting to embrace this oddly remarkable relationship.

I look to Dad as dad because he knows just about everything pertaining to life. Have a legal question? Consult Dad. A car or house maintenance question? Consult Dad. Question about finance? Consult Dad. Have an itch to chat about world events? You guessed it, consult Dad. For the longest time I thought Dad was superhuman, but over the years, I did found out a few things he’s not so well versed. Although rare, I do revel in those moments. After all, Dad is still fallible.

In the early stages of our relationship, I was afraid of asking questions. I was afraid of offending him and I was afraid of his judgements. However, time and time again, Dad had answered my questions in such way that made me feel safe and seen. Certainly there were times he’d refuse to give me a satisfactory answer with “We will see” or worse with a “No”, but he always have a reason behind his replies and I’ve grown to trust his judgments. This back and forth between us has been the foundation of our relationship. Because of this solid yet often overlooked dynamic, I am a literal open book to him and it’s liberating to be able to share my deepest and darkest thoughts with him.

Having typed up everything in my mind just now, I realized that I haven’t had much time to indulge in any deep conversations with Dad lately. Unbeknownst to me, I’ve been missing that aspect greatly. Soon all this hustle and bustle will come to an end. I need a spanking badly to finally quiet my mind and to connect through the pain I am sure he will so greedily take…

English is my second language, so I am always fascinated with words and idioms. How certain words can evoke specific emotions, how others change their meaning with time. Then there are the forgotten words and words that are used interchangeably but have subtle nuances that few people care to learn…this thought came about from an event that unfolded yesterday. If I were to summarize yesterday with one word, I’d choose discipline. More specifically self-discipline under the watchful eye of a Dominant.

Now to set the stage for what happened, I’d like you to dig deep to your high school physics class. A class that means nothing to many of you I am sure, but don’t worry, I am not going to talk about Newton’s laws of motion nor Einstein’s theory of relativity. I’ll leave that to the professionals. I want to talk about laws of thermodynamics and more specifically law of entropy in a metaphorical sense. Entropy is a scientific jargon for chaos. Universe’s natural equilibrium is chaos as we the living perceive. Simply being alive for any organism is defying chaos. Why? Because it takes energy for cells to acquire nutrients, to live, and to replicate. Now zoom out your lens and look at things around you. Ever find your room getting messy and dirty over time? Because it requires energy to put things where they belong and keep things clean. Ever dread your office with piles of unfinished paperwork? Yeah, that’s chaos too. You need energy to process and get them in order. Ever had this niggling feeling that things can go wrong in so many ways and feeling anxious how to keep things straight? That’s you trying to maintain order in our chaotic world. So good news, you are not alone in this constant tug-of-war with Chaos and here is where self- discipline comes into play.

I am currently in a phase in life where there are many moving components. Some work in tandem and some in sequence. They are not mutually exclusive either so if one thing goes wrong…all else will fall requiring more planning, more time, more energy and more of anything else I have overlooked. Sure enough, a critical component went wrong yesterday and I was on the brink of panic and full on temper tantrum. The path of least resistance would see me losing my shit and spraying choice words at anything and anyone who were unfortunate enough to cross my path. Yet I didn’t. I kept my temper in check lest I receive a punishment from Dad. It’d be cherry on top of everything else….

Dad’s presence loomed over me as I remain disciplined and tentatively navigated my way through the mess created by other people’s incompetencies. He didn’t take over but allowed me to coordinate and problem solve in a level headed fashion. Solution came toward end of the day. Now I am just breathing a sigh of relief that things are back on track.

It annoys me to some degree that many fetishize punishment in D/s world. If a submissive is into pain, then spanking is not a proper punishment. Punishment has its place and should be used as last resort to correct a behavior. Discipline, on the other hand, is constant. It needs to be practiced by both Dominant and submissive to maintain order, to keep tempers in check, to keep habits going…now I can circle back to my original thoughts on words. They are certainly fascinating aren’t they?