Have any of you thought that you had hit rock bottom but kept on digging deeper?

I feel like I am on self destruct. Must have had 4 rock bottoms in the last few months but actually don’t care.

Please share your stories and how you got out of it before I die…

So I drank. But it happened in quite an interesting way.

Yesterday I had the day off and met a friend  for brunch. I decided in the morning I was going to have a glass or 2 of wine. Now, although I am just a week out of a month long binge, all of that happened behind closed doors and mainly with whatever bottle of spirits I could get my hands on to completely pass out. So a social drink is something I haven’t done for 2 years.

I know exactly why I decided to do this. The night before my counsellor spent some time talking about the biology of addiction and I woke up thinking about how sad I was that this big problem is something I was destined to live with from the second I was born.

So I decided I wanted to sip on a glass or 2 of wine like a normie and prove it wrong. I also wanted to show my husband how I could do that- and the great thing is given his recent fuck up I’m not letting him judge or control me. He cried when I told him. I’m seeing him cry a lot these days and he really isn’t a crier.

When we arrived for brunch my friend ordered a detox juice 😞 nobody was drinking so I easily decided against it. But later that day at home I decided to pick up a bottle of wine.

And something amazing happened. I managed to control it. I spent 5 hours drinking that bottle. A bottle never used to last me more than an hour- at the most!

When I finished it, I had a cup of tea. I had no more cravings to go and buy another bottle like I would have in the past, I didn’t even get drunk, I just felt lightly buzzed. I slept fine and I woke up without a hangover.

So this is how normal people do it! Although normal people would probably still consider a bottle a lot. It’s not for me- I used to drink 2 and some people would be amazed at how I still came across sober. I suppose that’s what happens when you build up a tolerance.

It was an interesting experiment but I also know it’s a slippery slope for me. I won’t be drinking tonight. 

What a difference a week makes. Happy to be here and sober. Happy that the fog in my brain is starting to clear. So, SO happy that the physical withdrawal symptoms have gone and even the cravings are subsiding.

I wish I could always remember how tough that first week is. Eurgh! 

Why do we keep doing it to ourselves- it’s horrendous!

Day 6 and although I had a tough day because I’m so exhausted from not sleeping, this evening the cravings have almost vanished.

2 years of not drinking + a one month binge = 6 days withdrawal pain

I know it’s still going to be difficult but I think what makes it easier is when you start being honest with yourself. I’m an alcoholic and I can not drink. I no longer believe I can have a glass of wine and moderate. Ever. I am so experienced at this now that I know having “one night off” will reset me into a world of pain, and I’ll have to go through it all again. 

During my one month binge, I drank to numb and be as passed out as often as I could be. When you’re passed out, you know nothing and feel NO pain. During that time I knew my little world of oblivion I had created would eventually have to stop and I just put it off as Long as possible. And now it’s time is up. I’m sad I can’t just lie in bed and drink whiskey until everything melts away, but there’s a life waiting out there for me. Time to go live it…

… I have a depression problem. Alcohol is my coping mechanism.

Big realisation for me today that I’m spending far too much time trying to work on not being an alcoholic and not enough on other ways to cope with being depressed.

So relieved I started seeing a counsellor to help me understand some of these things.

Has anybody else out there felt the same as me? And can anyone recommend and blogs/books that deal with the underlying depression rather than the alcohol?

Thank you 😊 

Here’s another day of desperately trying to cling on.

Woke up this morning feeling really shit. I had plans to meet a Friend for yoga and brunch- which felt perfect at the time. I spent over an hour trying to decide if I could face it and finally cancelled. 

As soon as I had something to eat I felt a lot better. Ok, so I must have been hungry without realising it.

Now I’m spending some time watching alcohol documentaries on YouTube. If anyone hasn’t seen it this is worth a watch – The Making of an alcoholic – I think I enjoyed it because it’s the story of a high functioning alcoholic with the truths of how she slowly fell deeper and relapsed again and again.

The feeling I took from this video that I am going to use today is this – I am going to have a great life. I am going to enjoy every second of this beautiful gift we have. I’m going to do something great and make a difference in the world. I’m going to look after my body- feed it well and use it wisely.

No chance I can do that as a drunk…

Day 4 and the strangest thing has just happened. The feeling of determination has just washed over me, a feeling I remember that got me sober before. I’m feeling grateful today to not be spending all morning thinking about going to the shops for drink.

So far this morning I’ve walked the dog, cooked a good breakfast, drank good coffee, been out to have a mani and pedi and even done some housework. 

The alternative could have been popping out to buy some drink. Drinking until I passed out. Waking up feeling dreadful later today and wondering how I could get more booze. Repeat tomorrow. 

It’s incredible to think that one is even a choice over the other.

I’m pleased I started alcohol addiction Counselling yesterday. It was amazing to start processing my issue with a professional. We talked through triggers and behaviours that happen when I relapsed and we came up with a plan to avoid them this weekend. She said something very interesting, I will share in case they help anyone else like they helped me.

“For many people who use alcohol to cope when they go through a trauma, it didn’t make things worse, it saved their lives. Because it was a coping mechanism that stopped them from killing themselves.”

The session reminded me how I’d always had dreams of taking my masters in psychology. So, when I got home I researched courses I could take.  

The other thing that has been driving me crazy over the last 5 weeks of heavy binge drinking, has been trying to decide if I want to leave my Husband after finding out he’s been having an affair. Something I uncovered with my counsellor is that anger is an emotion that leads me to drink, and seeing my Husband makes me angry. So that makes sense. What I have realised though is that I don’t need to make a decision about that now. I need to straighten myself out, get myself in track and I can make that call when I am strong again.

Sorry- a bit of a boring post but I needed to get a few emotions down.

Sharing my positive feeling with any of you out there who need it today xxx

So turns out I was right- my marriage was falling apart because my Husband was having an affair. Cue me being not very surprised and completely breaking down with a broken heart.

Still, 2 years sober I should be able to cope in a mature way right? Well of course the first thing I did was a bottle of wine. Then another. Then a bottle of gin. That was 5 weeks ago and my binge has just come to an end. Well with a couple of embarrassing rock bottom moments thrown in between. The worst being the memory of being shackled and handcuffed to a hospital bed. Or hang on no, probably it was the night I was locked in a mental health institute with some seriously crazy people.

Wow- what did I do to deserve that I hear you cry? Nothing. Other than be depressed and a little bit of self harm, which turns out is illegal in my country. Who knew?

So, here we go again. I’ve decided to get professional help this time and I’m on my way now to see my alcohol addiction counsellor. She seems lovely and is in recovery herself which is exactly what I wanted to hear. I thought I’d start up the blog again, not just because you are all awesome support but because I thought some of you would benefit from knowing my experience of getting sober with this kind of help.

I have actually decided that when this is over  I want to re train to become an addiction counsellor myself. Just got to get sober first.

Here we go….

After 21 months sober, I’d say I’m pretty much used to this way of life now. I understand it’s best for me and if I’m honest 90% of the time I prefer a sober life to the alternative.

That doesn’t mean sometimes it isn’t so fucking hard that it brings me to tears. A night out with the girls or dinner with the Husband. Last week a man next to me at the cinema had 4 glasses of wine. The smell of the wine and the thought of the taste distracted me from the whole movie. 

I’ve spent the last 3 weeks plotting my return to drinking. Just normal drinking mind you- no thoughts of a binge. Thinking and wondering if I’m now capable of a glass of wine or 2 on a Saturday night and stopping at that. I’ve put a bottle of wine in the fridge (one that’s been on the rack for a year- meant for guests). I’ve since taken that bottle back out as I decided it wasn’t special enough for someone that’s about to break 21 months of sobriety.

And yet I still haven’t drunk. What keeps me from it is the fear of what comes after that first glass and the worry that I just won’t be able to control it.

I also promised myself I wouldn’t drink if there was a problem in my life so there would be no excuse to use alcohol to self medicate. And right now, my marriage is completely falling apart. First time I’ve said that *out loud*. Amazing how safe I feel here.

Thanks for reading- hope you’re happy and sober or finding your way there x

Hello lovely people,

How are you all doing? I hope you’re well and enjoying your sober days ( if it’s the first or the 1000th).

I am heading into my first full year sober. Can’t fucking believe it. 10 plus years of trying to have a day or two sober and I finally make a year. I know I will make a year with just 3 weeks to go, the competitive side of me will see to that. I’m not too sure about after that though- my mind thinks a lot these days like this “people with a problem cannot go an entire year without booze, people without a problem can’t even do that. I have proved to everyone I know- Husband, family and friends that I can control myself on alcohol so I must be cured and I’m sure I can have a glass of wine at a summers BBQ.” Hmmm… DANGER, DANGER!!

What I’ve learned the most in the past year is how alcohol completely screwed up my health. Even when I felt OK, I was overweight, lethargic and depressed. I’ve lost 2 stone in the past year, got fit, have a lot more energy and have really addressed my anxiety.

Without a doubt, giving up alcohol has been the best thing I have ever done in my entire life. Surely now I’m fixed I can start enjoying a glass of wine every now and then?

The problem is, I can already play it through in my head. I have a glass of wine after work on a Friday night. I drink it quickly because it feels so good. Before I know it the whole bottle is gone. Saturday morning I’m tired and dehydrated and decide to lie in bed rather than go out running. I spend the day wondering when I  can drink again. I start to make Saturday social plans earlier and earlier in the day- a nice dinner out with friends, then a boozy lunch and finally a champagne breakfast. As soon as I start drinking on Saturday, I don’t stop until I pass out. But I work hard all week, I’m entitled to ‘relax’ at the weekend right? Sunday morning I wake up feeling shit and hating myself. My husband pops out to do some jobs and I notice he fell asleep the night before with a full glass of whiskey. I clear it away, straight down my throat- it feels amazing because it’s like the medicine that has stopped me feeling sick. But it doesn’t last long, so before he’s back i fix another strong drink- then persuade him to go out for lunch so I can secure the next one before the horrible feelings set in and I have gut wrenching anxiety. 

That’s how the hamster wheel of my life gathers momentum- all because I fancied a glass of wine on a Friday night.

It’s probably time to start getting the thought of being a normal drinker out of my head. It’s not going to end well otherwise.

Would love to hear from anyone else that’s feeling the same as me about this or has been in this place before. I’m feeling really sad about it.

Much love people. Stay strong xxx