Working Hard

So I have a good job, not important like a doctor curing illness or a teacher moulding the minds of tomorrow, but nevertheless I feel I make a difference.  My job has recently changed, become more focussed to a particular group of people.  These people are challenging.  Due to these changes I seem to be losing a lot of sleep and regaining my insomniac tendencies.  Questions running through my head like; “Where do I start”, “How am I going to do this right” and “Am I able to achieve this?” are plaguing my night time hours.

I think that a lot of this has to do with my inability to deal with failure.  I do not like to get things wrong and this is probably one of my biggest weaknesses professionally.  I am aware, during my daytime logical hours, that I am perfectly capable of succeeding in my new role and do not feel worried or anxious while at work.  It seems that my problems only arise at night, when I am not busy with the daily grind, lists and organised chaos that is my job.

Do you doubt your ability to do your job or that sometimes you are in way over your head?

I love my job, mostly because it challenges me, makes me question myself and my beliefs on a daily basis.  I do not however enjoy sleepless nights.  

Solutions please?

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Freedom or death?

Would you rather be a slave or dead?  Most would choose slavery due to an innate sense of self preservation, not a fun choice to make, but one with a relatively logical outcome.

However what if I asked would you rather be free or dead?……

What a stupid question I hear you cry, of course I would rather be free!  However I have been pondering this seemingly pointless question (originally sourced from a fictitious novel in which a woman forced into slavery is unable to function  -nor does she desire to- once set “free”)

Looking at the circumstances in which this novel is based some would say this woman is clearly suffering from Stockholm syndrome and has developed an attachment to her kidnapper.  On the surface this does appear to be the case, however, she does not wish to return to her old life as she feels she discovered true happiness within her slavery, and therefore, freedom. Eventually she chooses death over freedom as her new found freedom is actually a far worse situation.

She was enslaved into freedom.  She was free in her slavery.

Is it possible that one cannot truly say what freedom is until they have had all of their perceived “freedoms” taken from them, if we nothing are we not truly free?

I’m rambling, so onward with my musings, I can’t help but speculate that by choosing death over freedom I would be choosing the only true freedom there is.

Not that I have any sort of death wish or suicidal tendency, nor do I feel I would have any occasion to truly be forced to answer this question.

I am, however, sure that in some circumstances death would indeed be a preferable choice to freedom, if that freedom took away all you valued in your life…….

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Im not listening

Today I have been pondering internal dialogue….

You know the conversations you have with yourself silently, discreetly and often whilst speaking about something else out loud?  I often miss pieces of actual conversation with actual human beings because I am distracted by myself, is that arrogance? self-absorption? or even just plain old rude?  

I don’t find myself deliberately ignoring what someone else is saying to me, but find that I can, all of a sudden, have missed a few vital seconds of a conversation.  I come back to reality to discover someone staring at me, obviously awaiting my response, ( enter the uncomfortable pause as we stare at each other blankly) before I fill in the blanks and come up with a somewhat delayed response. 

Anyway, I do have a point, I promise.

 I wonder how many people even notice this lapse of attention and whether they find me irritating for it?  I do not feel this is a reaction to the conversation, regardless how dull the topic. I am not naturally rude and do my best to appear interested in what people have to say, take part in conversations and impart my opinion when requested.  Do you lose yourself in your mind?  not because you are bored or uninterested, but simply because you cannot help yourself?        

 

Just because someone asks you to repeat yourself, please do not assume they have intentionally shut off the ears, but instead that they have been dragged into the recesses of their own mind unwillingly!

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On the other side of the looking glass

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Do you ever get the feeling that you are watching yourself walk through life, almost disconnected from yourself, unable to control or change your own actions?

I do, quite frequently in fact.  I seem to spend a lot of time seemingly floating outside myself, watching myself carry out my day.  I feel like I am watching a movie of my own life.  Don’t get me wrong, I am aware of my actions, aware that I control whatever it is that I do.  Sometimes though, I could be stood several feet away from myself, a casual observer to my own existence.

Being an observer of myself I find I have a level of objectivity that perhaps I would not have if I were not continually watching the girl that looks like me live.  I do not always feel like I know her very well, she can be a  bit of an enigma to me.

She plods on, does her work, eats her lunch (she seems to be unaware I am here)  I watch her from the other side of the looking glass.

Who is more real, the girl in real life, or the one who stands apart from her, watching?

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The anti-social animal

I don’t like people…..

This is a statement that I have repeated on many occasions.  I don’t really socialise, I have lots of acquaintances, but very few true friends.  The simple fact is I never get lonely, I like my own company.  Does this make me somehow less of a person?

I spend all day at work talking to colleagues and customers that when I go home I find that I have very little desire to speak.  I want to get back inside my own head and stay there.

Normally I wouldn’t over analyse my lack of social activity, but someone close to me recently told me that she is lonely and misses seeing friends regularly.  I struggle to understand this concept.  Don’t get me wrong, I have had some very validating and meaningful friendships, but most are fleeting, I do not mourn them when they are gone.  I don’t know anyone now that I knew as a child (aside from my family)  People say “oh thats such a shame!”, but why is it a shame?

Human beings are social animals, we live in a complex social hierarchy, define ourselves by those we associate with and measure success by the strength of our relationships. Not through any conscious choice I seem to separate myself from this, I do not rely on others, nor do I make myself emotionally available to them.

My question therefore is, am I the anti social animal?  Is my behaviour odd?  Or is the inside of my head just more interesting than most, that it does not require others to join in on its fun????????

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The Conscious Mind…


Am I awake?

Have you ever asked yourself this question when lying in bed at night, just touching the edge of sleep, but still aware of the sheets on your legs?

Well I have…. I am unfortunately not one of those lucky people who hit the pillow and are gone. I don’t seem to have that on/off switch.

I go to bed in the full knowledge that I will lie there thinking, tossing, turning, more thinking and eventually without conscious thought….drift off.

I would like to be able to catch that moment, that moment of falling into sleep, but I never seem able to pin point it. I am able to think to myself “yes, I am definately awake” but am unable to do the same when asleep. That is because my subconscious mind have taken over, my conscious mind seemingly shut down.

But where does it go? The conscious mind that is, does it simply switch off? Recharging its battery for the next days work.

There are definate moments, lying in bed, when my mind is ticking over the days events, or creating fantastical worlds in my head that I am unsure as to my state, am i awake or not? Sometimes I dont know who holds the controls, the conscious or the subconscious mind.

Who knows, maybe it is both, working in tandem for one simultaneous moment before I am gone inside my head.

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How old are you?

So a very intelligent friend of mine posed the question “how old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”

My immediate response to this was 75…..

But seriously, how old would you feel if you had no knowledge of your current age and you could not see yourself to estimate based on your looks?

Would you guess your age on your level of knowledge, your wisdom, your feelings or just how sick of the world you are?

I said 75, only half in jest, I think I am quite old inside. My mum once told me that I was born old, I think she may be right.

So how old are you, inside?

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The masks we wear

~ Dons shiny new blogger mask~

So I was encouraged to start writing my musings in a blog by a mentor of mine (not sure if she knows she is a mentor, but i digress).  My initial reaction was one of cynicism, as is my general reaction to anything untried.  However I listened to her reasoning and am opening myself up to the idea that the ramblings of my mind are better stored outside of my head, creating room for yet more chaos to assert itself within my psyche.

My first post comes from the discussion with said mentor, when I asked, “well what the hell would I write about anyway?”, her answer, unsurprisingly, was whatever I felt like.

My problem is that I am not sure what “I feel like”, does she mean how I feel about work, my personal life, my varying states of mental health, my beliefs, values or even how I feel about blogging in general…..

This brings me to the topic at hand  – masks-

It has been said by many famous people that we all wear masks, we are actors within our own lives, playing the parts dictated to us by the choices we have made.  We have roles in which we adjust our behaviour to suit. I am who I am at work, at home, with friends, with my long suffering partner and I adjust to fit into these roles.  However subtle the shift in behaviour or attitude may be, it is distinct and unwavering.  I cannot speak to my manager the way I would speak to my partner, and similarly I would not act the way I do at work when I am at home.

This makes me wonder if anyone truly knows who they are. 

What would happen if all of the masks were removed?

What would happen if there was no role to play?

Would I have an opinion on anything, would I even have a personality to speak of?

Sometimes I think not, I don’t know how I would behave, or what I would care about if I had nothing to contextualize my life.

 

Would you?

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