Lindsay Guard

So, I’ve been a mama of two little boys for two weeks now and I’ve had so many random thoughts jumbling through my head that I want to get down on “paper”. Not sure if I am coherent enough to make out clear sentences so I’m gonna bullet point these babies:

• I’m tired
• Recovering from a c-section stinks (more to come on this topic, I have a lot to say)
• Exclusively pumping for my little fancy face, getting a newborn with special feeding needs to eat, and caring for a crazy 17 month old is H.A.R.D.
• I am more in love with Ryan today than I ever have been before and I just like when he is near me
• I miss Griffin even though I’ve been with him every day
• No, my love and bonding with Gavin does not feel any different than my love and bonding with Griffin felt…actually, it’s been more of gradual thing with Gavin than the instant connection it was with Griff
• I thought it would feel weird to post pictures of Gavin or have him out in public without wanting to cover him up but it doesn’t bother me one bit
• I surprisingly get sad when I see pregnant bellies or go to my closet and pick out pre-pregnancy clothes rather than maternity clothes
• I think about food a lot and just want to eat cookies and ice cream

Happy Saturday 🙂

I just want to take a minute to say THANK YOU for all the kind, encouraging responses we got about the news of our baby’s cleft lip and palate. Seriously, you all have made the day when this little one asks, “What did people think when they found out?” so much more beautiful and full of grace than I could have imagined.

So, thank you for loving us and loving our unborn child. Thank you for recognizing with us the miracle that this little one is and affirming that God has a specific plan for his or her life.  Thank you for being a safe place to share something that at times felt scary to tell. Thank you that Mama Bear can set aside her fears that her child will be judged because it has a wide smile and a smooshed little nose.

Thank you for telling me how beautiful my baby is, and meaning it.

We are humbled by our community and excited to introduce this baby bean to you all!

Lindsay

Another sneak peek 🙂 Pretty good shot of what baby’s lip will look like at birth. L

Welp, with only 10 weeks left until I’m considered full term, I think it’s time we let you in on a little update on Baby Guard #2!

I think I’ve tried to write this hundreds of times already, and I know I rehearse it in my head over and over every day but I’m feeling a short and sweet vibe right now so here goes:

At our 12 week ultrasound we discovered that although baby is growing strong and healthy, he or she will be born with a cleft lip and palate. The other times I’ve tried to write this post, I’ve done so in a more narrative way, describing how the moment of hearing this news felt and the emotions that followed during those next days and weeks. To be honest, most of it was quite a whirlwind and it was hard to put into words, as each day, minute, second felt different. For me, being told the news that our miracle will be born with a birth defect, feelings of grief, anger, bitterness, and sadness swallowed me up and beckoned me to climb back into a pit all too familiar.

I am grateful for the pruning and refining God did with my heart through our years of grief and infertility. Isn’t it amazing to see the fruit of learning to let God dig in and uproot the ugly parts of ourselves? I have allowed myself to feel the depths of my anger and sadness over the fact that my child will be born with a funny little smile, that it will endure at a minimum three surgeries (two being in it’s first year of life), that it will wear a scar on the most looked at part of it’s body, that it could face bullying or ridicule as a child, that once again I will not be able to breastfeed my child, that once again we don’t get a “normal” story.

By God’s grace, He has not allowed me to stay in those places of bitterness long, as He has reminded me over and over and over and over again that this baby is a miracle, that He is knitting it together in my womb, that he or she is an answer to a prayer I’ve cried for many years, and that if my hands are closed to what He is going to do in and through this then I will be missing out on Him fulfilling his promise that “…in all things, God works for the good of those who love him…” Romans 8:28.

So what does all of this mean? We intentionally waited to share this news until we met with baby’s surgeon so that we could 1) have all the correct and appropriate information to answer any questions and 2) give ourselves time to process and feel comfortable with this unique situation our family finds ourselves in! Here are some quick facts about what the heck it even means for baby to have a cleft lip/palate and how our next year or so will look:

Cleft lip and cleft palate comprise the most common birth defect in the United States. One of every 600 newborns is affected by cleft lip and/or cleft palate. (Who knew?! We certainly didn’t!)

A cleft lip is a separation of the two sides of the lip. The separation often includes the bones of the upper jaw and/or upper gum. A cleft palate is an opening in the roof of the mouth in which the two sides of the palate did not fuse, or join together, as the unborn baby was developing. Cleft lip and cleft palate can occur on one side (unilateral cleft lip and/or palate), or on both sides (bilateral cleft lip and/or palate). (Baby Guard will be born with a unilateral cleft lip with some palate involvement, though we won’t know the extent until birth).

Cleft lip and cleft palate are congenital defects, or birth defects, which occur very early in pregnancy. The majority of clefts appear to be due to a combination of genetics and environmental factors. (So here’s where Ryan and I look at each other and shrug because we do not have any family history of clefts and there is nothing I did during the pregnancy to “cause” it…this was HUGE for me to hear! Doctor calls it an “anomaly”. Sweet.)

A few specifics:

• Baby will not be able to exclusively breastfeed (ugh, grieving that one again…). So I will put in the hard work of pumping while having a newborn and 1 year old…you can go ahead and start praying for that!
• Baby’s “cleft team” will be the doctors at St. Joe’s, though surgeries will take place at Phoenix Children’s. We really like our surgeon already!
• Baby will get it’s first retainer at about 2-3 weeks old! Ha! It will work to mold the mouth and begin to pull the lip and palate together even before surgery. It will also help shape the left nostril which will most likely have some flattening due to the pull of the lip tissue.
• Baby’s lip will be repaired at 3-4 months and is an outpatient procedure
• Baby’s palate will be repaired around 8 months and will most likely be just one night in the hospital
• Baby will then need one more surgery around 7-8 years of age for a bone graft in it’s upper jaw between it’s baby teeth falling out and adult teeth coming in (another outpatient procedure)
• Baby will possibly need a surgery around 3-4 years of age to lengthen palate depending on how speech is going
• A few areas cleft palate can affect are feeding issues (baby will use special bottles to eat), ear infections, and speech development issues. Not to mention, some possible dental/orthodontic needs later on.

Ok, so I hope I’ve kept this sweet because I know I didn’t keep it short! All in all, the past 15 weeks have had their good days and bad days. Thankfully, the good outweighs the bad and we’ve been able to talk to some folks in our community who have gone through this and have affirmed that what we’re feeling is normal, but encouraged us that the joy that’s to come when we meet our baby will far surpass any fears we may have right now. This little one is not a cleft with a baby, it’s a baby with a cleft and it will still have tiny little fingers and toes, chubby little thighs, a soft little belly, and good grief is this child going to have the brightest blue eyes! It’s still perfectly precious and a complete gift from a Father who doesn’t make mistakes 🙂

And now, I finally get to share my most favorite ultrasound picture of them all!!

This is back from 17 weeks but I just fall in love all over again when I look at it. Gah, that’s our baby!!

P.S. If you want to read further about cleft lip/palate or have any questions I didn’t answer here check out these reputable websites:

http://cleftline.org/
http://www.cleftadvocate.org/

So this is my obligatory “New Year” blog post 🙂

I’ve actually been thinking about this coming year and what I want to resolve to make different for a few weeks now. Perhaps part of that is because one of my resolutions was to stop procrastinating. Last night at church, Pastor Mark informed us that statistics have shown that the resolutions that are least likely to stick are ones where someone has resolved to stop something. Then, my husband wrote a great little diddy about his one word resolution and I decided that I liked that idea so I’ve come up with a word that encompasses all of my New Year’s Resolutions:

Discipline.

I’ve kind of always been lazy. My whole life. Not like, sit on the couch drinking beer and being a slob kind of lazy, but just not a high-energy person. I’m not a full-fledged Type A personality, I’m not a planner, I’m not organized, I’m rarely early when arriving somewhere, and I’m almost always last minute with things. I don’t know why I’m this way, and I think as I’ve gotten older my attitude has changed towards these things but my habits haven’t. This has left me, at times, completely frustrated with myself because I want to be these things, but 28 years of life is hard to break. I’ve also become way more negative than I’ve ever been in my life. I used to be pretty carefree and although I’ve always been insecure, I’ve been content. Maybe it’s life’s adversity and reality that has corroded my heart, but I’m just plain old pessimistic. I compare my life with others waaaaaaaay too much and feel like I should care about all the same life-suffocating rubbish that this world cares about. See…how negative did that sound?!?! Geez!

This is where my one word resolution comes in. Discipline: “activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill; training”.

Colossians 2:5 states, “⁵ For though I am absent from you in body, I am present with you in spirit and delight to see how disciplined you are and how firm your faith in Christ is. ”

So this year, I’m going to be disciplining myself in multiple facets of my life.  No more making excuses, no more being too tired to read, or write, or clean. I don’t know exactly what this will look like since each area of life will look different. Perhaps it will be setting a scheduled time every day to read and study. Maybe it will be making a list of home improvement projects that need to be done and putting them on a calendar, then prioritizing that time to get stuff done! Most likely, it will be making a conscience effort, along with accountability from my husband to CHOOSE to accomplish the things that I need or want to do. It’s going to be about training myself and correcting past behavior that has inhibited me from fully living purposefully.

I’m excited about this coming year. I in no way am expecting this resolution to make my life perfect or help me “have it all together”. Believe me, I am fully aware of things coming our way this year that will consume me, and bring me to my knees in humility. I’m also aware that discipline comes through times of calm and times of chaos, and more importantly, is necessary during both times of life. But, part of this new season of discipline is going to be CHOOSING JOY.

So, expect a more disciplined, carefree, JOYFUL me in this coming year!

So, I’ve seen this on a few other gals’ blogs and decided that it would be a great way to document this pregnancy and keep every one back home updated on how things are going! Here goes:

How far along: 21 weeks
Total weight gain: actually not sure, I just know it’s on track
Maternity clothes: oh yeah! I don’t have any pants yet but I need them, I live in leggings!
Stretch marks: Nope, hoping genetics keep those far away 🙂
Sleep: Not great. Haven’t slept well for weeks, I want to lay on my belly but that’s out of the picture now
Best moment of this week: This morning’s ultrasound which confirmed that what I’m feeling is actually the baby
Miss anything: red wine
Movement: Yes, finally! Took awhile because apparently the placenta is in the way of this babe but now I’m feeling regular taps once I’m resting and a feeling like a fish is swishing around every now and then. I even saw my belly button moving with the taps two nights ago!
Food cravings: anything spicy, oranges, and chocolate milk
Anything making you queasy or sick: not anymore, weeks 5-13 would have said, “everything”
Have you started to show yet: Yup, finally looking obviously pregnant and not just like I’m storing Thanksgiving leftovers 😉
Gender: We’re waiting until baby is born, but we both have our suspicions 🙂
Baby’s Measurements: Heart rate is high 150’s, measuring about a week ahead, 1lb 1oz, 93rd percentile…chubbawubba!
Labor signs: dear Lord, I hope not! Feeling some Braxton Hicks contractions though, but thankfully nothing serious
Belly button in or out: Staring to come out…kinda surprised it’s doing it this early!
Wedding rings on or off: On
Happy or moody most of the time: This week? Happy, but I’ve not been the nicest preggo (sorry babe!)
Looking forward to: Ryan feeling the baby kick from the outside, it stops every time he gets to me to put his hand on my belly!

So, there ya have it, I can’t believe we’re half way done with this pregnancy! Thank you, Lord, for graciously giving us this gift.

I always thought I’d have all girls. I never pictured myself the mom of boys…that was going to be my sister’s thing. Then came Griffin. I LOVE LOVE LOVE being the mama to this little boy. Today, I got really excited at the thought that this babe growing in my belly could be a boy too! I think it would be awesome for Griffin to have a brother and to be the mom of boys. It’s a good thing that my maternal instincts are saying boy…that would just be super! (a girl would be ridiculously fun too…don’t worry baby, just in case you read this down the road, I will be thrilled if you are a little lady!)

That is all.

P.S. Griffin turns 1 in a week!!! Even though he’ll be a big brother soon, he’ll always be my baby.

This isn’t easy for me. Adoption is hard. Really hard. Extremely beautiful and wonderful, but hard. I need to tell you at least two things on my mind lately about this: Adoption does not cure infertility.

1) I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard well intentioned people say, “You know what they say…once you adopt, then you’ll end up pregnant!”. Yes, I know they SAY that. But can I tell you that statistically about 5% of adoptive couples go on to conceive. I do not struggle with infertility because I am too occupied with getting pregnant. Stress doesn’t cause infertility, infertility causes stress. Our adoption of Griffin does not mean I will end up pregnant. I could get pregnant…but it won’t be because we adopted. Unless you’ve been through infertility hell, you wouldn’t understand so I have grace that people just don’t really know what to say so they say something that sounds encouraging and hopeful.

2) Even though I have Griffin in my arms, I am still grieving. He was not a “fix” for my pain and grief. He is an amazing gift and my heart has never known a love like this, but that isn’t what heals my grief. It helps though 🙂 Please understand that adoptive couples still have things they need to mourn whether it be their infertility, the loss of a pregnancy, or the reality that their motherhood/fatherhood is still different than most of their friends in many ways.

Can I be honest with you for a second and let you in on some of the heart-happenings of this adoptive mama?

I still feel very sad at times. Sad that I don’t have pregnancy stories, I didn’t feel my boy kicking, I wasn’t able to nurse him, and that I didn’t give birth to my own son.

I have moments of anger. Anger over losing a child, that we somehow couldn’t conceive again, that it seems so easy for everyone else, that I wasn’t there for my child’s birth, and that I have to share him unlike most mothers I know.

I’m jealous.

I’m scared. Scared that I’ll fail, that open adoption will be too hard and I’ll never feel 100% secure, that maybe my love for Griffin is lacking because I didn’t carry his first 9 months of existence, that he’ll love her more than me, that I will end up pregnant and Griffin will feel “less than”, or that I’ll miss out on everything extraordinary about the mysteries of adoption and what it can teach me about being God’s child.

I stand on the affirmation that my emotions are very real and normal for where I’m at right now. I realize that my fears are typical of mamas who adopt and probably won’t ever be true. And I trust that God grafted our family together perfectly, that Griffin being my son is no accident, and that His plan has turned out better than anything I could have schemed up.

I love Griffin with every fiber of my being. Some days are still so surreal that I can only praise the One who made me his mommy! I absolutely adore him and that makes enduring even the messy parts of this journey worth it.

All for the glory of my God.