Lost Ghost

It makes sense 
To find myself in pain again
After pain made its way
With hooks set in
My skin.

Each tug towards something new
Pulls a cord tethered deep
Reminding me, 
Reopening the wound,
and keeping me still. 

Why head towards something new
When I do it rips at me
Reminding me, 
Reopening the memory, 
and haunting me still?

If I am to move, I must 
Risk this pain again.
I must pull despite the wound.
I must move despite the tear.
I must prepare. 

The hooks will not release
Easily. They will tear and bleed.
Healing may feel 
More deeply than wound. 
It may seep and scab.
It may sing with
Nerves electric fire. 

If I am to move from here to there
The wounds must reopen. 
The hooks must tear from flesh.
There's no easy way.
They are barbed and rusted
with blood. 

My past keeps me trapped. 
It's with me still. 
It's no simple thing
To move forward when so
Restrained. 

No one else can see the trap
Laid by brutal memory's grasp. 
I alone can feel the pull, 
The tear when moving 
From the trap that was my past.

I used to run and rip them open,
Tangled in a wired mess, 
Bleeding more profusely, 
Than when the trap was set.
I was wild with fear;
desperate.

Now I sit a while,
With razor sharp and 
Gauze laid there, 
To mend the wound 
With gentle hands
Extracting each 
Until raw and bare. 

If I am to move, I must 
Risk this pain again.
I must heal the damage done. 
I must let the blood run. 
I must love myself 
Before anyone.

-Angel Marie Russell


 

Sometimes the blame factor is an illusory mask that covers the truth around us. Sometimes we see monsters and villains where there are none. Sometimes we see slights and harm where none was intended.

How then do we begin to see people clearly; Abusers and friends alike? When a person has survived trauma it is entirely possible for some of them to believe that a new person in their life is also capable of the same sort of abuse. And, for me, from a traumatized mind and perspective it was easy to be triggered by loved ones because I assumed they too were “out to get me.” What I also didn’t realize is that I had no self love or boundaries. That lacking kept me involved with people that did not respect my boundaries because if I didn’t know what they were how could anyone else? How could my friends respect my boundaries if I let them walk all over me because that was all I had known? I only knew abuse, control, neglect, and violence, so my perspective if the world was damaged.

It took me a long time to realize that sometimes there wasn’t a villain where I saw one, that I didn’t need to be defensive because I wasn’t actually under attack, and then sometimes when I look back I also see I didn’t respect my own red flags because I didn’t know how to trust them.

Trauma from relationship abuse confused me and my perspective of the world. It caused me to see danger everywhere. And just like an abused dog from the pound needs tender time, touch, and safety to feel safe with humans again. As trauma survivors it is so very hard to implement that kind of environment for ourselves. So, how do we start? How do we begin to trust our own view of the world when looking through past trauma, body reactions, fear, and distrust?

Those are not easy to answer, but if a survivor spends some time learning what healthy relationships are we can slowly start to gauge relationships again. This is what I had to do. I had no basis of understanding relationships so I spent a lot of time assuming everyone was out to harm me. When I discovered my lack of boundaries and began implementing them it wasn’t easy. I had been taught through abuse to put myself last. So, putting myself first felt selfish. I had to reevaluate my relationships and found them to be with the wrong kind of people for me. This did not come from a place of blame but of truth. They were not villains but were not right for me.

By learning what healthy relationships look like and leaving behind the ones that no longer served me it opened up the possibility to have relationships with people that respected my boundaries. And by respecting my own boundaries I learned how to respect others as well. I was, up until that point, an enabler and a blamer.

Self respect, self love, self responsibility, and boundaries helped me to see the world more clearly. It helped to protect myself when I needed to, to speak up calmly instead of defensively emotionally reacting, and to not always assume the worst in other people’s actions. Boundaries are important for everyone, but essential for trauma survivors.

-Angel Marie Russell

❤️🙏🏻🌹