Lost In-World

Within less than a month, this blog will be one year. Not a happy blog, I know. But then again, not its fault that its parents split apart only a fortnight after it was born… lol

It’s odd to keep “living” like this, revisiting once in a while those places where I was so happy and so miserable as well. I find it strange that these moments come so often, leaving me wondering what was I doing a year ago. Knowing exactly how I felt back then.

I know I’ve reached about half of my current lifetime. I know that I’ve lived already all there was for me to live. I know – oh so accurately – how’s this going to be from now on, until the Goddess calls me out to her breast. Looking ahead, it surely seems too much to go through, and sometimes I still doubt I’m strong enough to bear with all this deserted land in front of me.

These are the moments I look back, once again. I stil ask myself why. Oh, I’m acquainted with the facts and I understand the motivations behind them. But here and then I can’t help feeling that maybe it would have been better not to be happy once… if the price to be paid was this scattered self of mine which I’ll have to put up with for the rest of my life.

True. Wish I hadn’t love you the way I did. Wish we had never met. Wish I remained ignorant on loving and being loved in return. I’d welcome a timeship that would bring me back to early June 2007… and I’d choose differently.

August 14, 2008
Categories: Inside . . Author: Sand Posthorn . Comments: Leave a comment

When I had a home, I owned this picture that I kept on the wall and said “Just imagine when the sun comes through”. Yesterday, someone told me to calm down. To close my eyes and think of a rainbow… a forest… a lake. And it helped. It did.

I wonder why is it then that today instead of rainbows I can only remember that darn picture and it’s message. And just feel that I was used and cheated and robbed ? My dreams scattered away over an endless desert, never again to return.

I have to stop giving. Have to learn to protect myself. Have to find another way that leads me towards other kind of people. Enough. I simply have enough now, so just stop please. I don’t want to be hurt again. Never again.

June 19, 2008
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I look at the calendar upon the wall and suddenly my heart misses a beat. A year went by. Dear Goddess, how can that be ? A full year ? Where have I been ? What have I been doing with myself ?

It’s true that life is unfair sometimes. But oh Goddess she has been a great teacher… and I become a stronger bitch each day !

June 16, 2008
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He looked at me with his deep eyes and told me I owed him a hug. I smiled and hugged him. Then he kissed me, and I offered myself entirely.

Time went by. Today, I know I fell in love for the last time. From now own, my heart will never belong to someone else but me. I pick up my backpack and feel it heavy with what is left of me… and follow the path that unfolds before my feet. Now is the time to move one. Life will be less coloured now I know, but it also will be less painful to live.

June 15, 2008
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I know you are back. I know you’re trying to haunt me. I know sometimes you will succeed and others you won’t. It depends on me only. Sometimes I will be able to deal with that, other times not really. There are days I enjoy playing cat and mouse, other days I don’t. There are days where I feel I still love you. Other days I feel I totally hate you. Others yet, that you became a total stranger and that I feel nothing but indifference.

My life went on while you were away. I moved on. I grew up and changed. Changed myself. Changed my life. You ? You, just go on living that small life of yours, so full of holes and emptyness.

Yes, I may never come to live again what we had once… but then again, neither will you.

June 2, 2008
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Like a rollercoast, that’s how I feel. Walking over fluffly clouds some days and others on the darkest labirynth. Tired of this. Want my normal life back. But then againa… would I be able to live just a plain, common, normal life ?

I honestly can’t tell. What I do know is that I feel tired. I want to look elsewhere and stop looking at my own belly only. Tired to walk like this, up and down constantly. Tired to depend on pills to get at least some balance. Tired to have my own mood depending on the mood of other people.

Want to take control of my own life again. Get back to whom I used to be. Look around and feel at least satisfied, even if not happy. What the hell am I looking for ? Where the hell am I going to ? At the end of the day… what the hell is the whole purpose of living this shitty life, one day after the other ? Meaningless… everything seems so meaningless…

May 14, 2008
Categories: Inside . . Author: Sand Posthorn . Comments: Leave a comment

The path that I’ve chosen is filled-up with light beams. There are some dark spots here an there, perfectly identifiable, and they only mean I have neglected my RL work and will need to make an extra effort now to catch up. Nothing really beyond my strenghts.

I sleep at night without a single regret. I look for worries and concerns in my mind but apart from some guilt, some remorse (things I should have done, others that I should have done far before I did them) I find none.

Now, I look ahead and between the sunshine around me I try to see some objectives that push me forward. Yes, one day at a time is good. Yes, feeling well with yourself at the end of each 24 hours is great. And yet… I look ahead and feel there is yet so much life to be lived – all of this must have a point, anywhere, a goal to reach at the end of the way… shouldn’t it ? Or is it supposed to be just like this… a purposedless path leading nowhere ?

May 7, 2008
Categories: Inside . . Author: Sand Posthorn . Comments: 1 Comment

I know there’s been winter somewhere. Honestly, I remember fall – and I remember it quite well, a long, hurtful fall and me sufocating beneath the dead leaves falling from the trees.

I woke up now to this rainy spring time. I see flowers strting to blossom everywhere. a deep green over the prairies because fo all the water coming from the sky. I raise my face to the greyish clouds and ask them if they’re crying all my uncried tears. They don’t answer me back. I wasn’t really expecting them too.

How can a whole season go away without us even noticing it ?

April 20, 2008
Categories: Inside . . Author: Sand Posthorn . Comments: 2 Comments

A recent conversation suddenly crossed my mind. Five months had passed since we had our last talk. And there you were, trying to “start over where we had stopped”. “Let’s forget the last episode,” you said. Lolololol

You know what ? Being in love is not enjoying how special the other one makes us feel. Being in love is doing everything you can so that the other person understands that in fact he/she IS special.

It’s over now, it all belongs to the past now and has not the least importance. But it was really useful, to finally understand that in fact you never loved me.

April 16, 2008
Categories: Inside . . Author: Sand Posthorn . Comments: Leave a comment