Right after I signed my lease, you guessed it, I lost my job. Not as a result of my own fault. No. My entire company has folded. I have $11.00 (Eleven…. eleven to my name.) I have a lease ending. 2 cats. I’m broke. Broken windshield. An apartment I cannot afford. Now what???? Oh, my cell phone is through my company. Wonder when that will be turning off.
Where is God? Where?????
X and I have had a strange sequence of events occur. The dynamic of friends to more did shift, but neither one of us will say anything. It’s time to say goodbye. I have been trying to make him see every change in me, and nothing seems to really break through, so I’m not forcing it. I have never been so ready to leave a place in all of my life. I was initially sad, right? Now, I just feel a little empty and know that I have one last issue to clear before I can feel at my best. I have to leave. I have to live in my own space, and live life on life’s terms. I can’t do it here. It’s becoming more and more difficult to focus on work, focus on anything. I am subconsciously freaking out, but have put most of everything in order. All of the morning coffees, kisses, embraces, looks of adoration, simple grill outs, MMA fights, solar eclipses, long talks of religions and politics, all of the showers, all of the games, all of the inside jokes and songs, all gone. Dreams of a future together, hearing him say that I was his family, all of that is gone. Dreams of marrying him, even someday. Gone.
So, I’m going to take some time off writing for a while. I have had a bit of writer’s block anyway.
I love you all. I thank you all for all of your support this year!
Let’s revisit when I get settled into my new home. I can’t wait to share it with you! Sober!
H. Ryan
Courtesy of Youtube. Not my property.
I like this one…
H. Ryan
I heard a conversation between a mother and daughter the other day about relationships. Mom was a successful, wealthy, bad ass mama. Think Joan Crawford. The daughter, Jane, was in a 4 year relationship with a man who is now 30. Jane is also 30. The couple intends on marriage, but Jane is afraid that her partner is not mature enough and perhaps is dragging his feet with the proposal. The gentleman keeps bringing up the fact that he cannot afford a nice ring for Jane and he is trying to get his business up and running. Ughhh right?
Jane’s mom said something that I will never forget. Something that I did not expect. Something that I wish I had heard this last year. She said: “Do you think that he is stringing you along? (Note, she did not say he was, she asked her daughter the question.) You have such high expectations. Do you think that what you are asking of him is fair now? Who said you had to be married by a certain age? A lot of married people with big houses and big rings are miserable. It seems to me that you want him to wear the pants and take control of the relationship, but only if you get to choose the pants he wears.”
Wow.
This resonated with me, as I’m sure it hits home with you too. I won’t dive into Jane and her man’s relationship or what she should or shouldn’t do. What I do know is that I pressured X when I knew he wasn’t being straight with me. Just like this guy is most likely not being straight with Jane. My situation is different, but what Jane’s mom said to her was incredible. My mother has always told me the opposite and I listened too often. My mother has and would have said, well, he needs to shit or get off the pot. If he loved you, he would be begging to marry you etc. etc. A man knows when he wants to be with a woman forever. Your clock is ticking, you need to find a man in a suit, fast! Looks fade. etc. etc. Maybe my mom is right to a degree; but it’s all about the delivery. Jane’s mom probably knew that dumbass wouldn’t propose any time soon, but the way she spoke with her daughter about choices and the fact that she helped her daughter see from another perspective in a respectful way, man. X said he did want to marry me, but he needed more time. If I had backed off, maybe we would have worked things out. Maybe not. Regardless, I just really appreciate another perspective from a mom to a daughter.
It’s refreshing to see a mom build her daughter up, ask her to think for herself, and self reflect before making any unfair or rash statements or ultimatums. It was nice to see two people actually talking together. Not a lecture or a scolding or a rant. Just a conversation.
I know that I will never give another ultimatum again. It’s wrong to do this. It just is. I will also choose my partner more wisely next time, so we don’t run into this issue again, but it would have been nice to hear that the be all and end all of life is not marriage and finding someone. I can take care of myself, and I have all of the time in the world. Glad Jane knows that too!
H. Ryan
Me. Up Close and Personal. Here you go. I may not be at my absolute personal best, but I am feeling damned close. Also, I am now in a size 6 blazer AND slacks. BOOOOYA! If that doesn’t make someone want to quit drinking, I don’t know what will. Here are some more reasons to stop drinking, which also may help you identify if there is something else mental laying in there deeper, like me. Then, the real work begins.
I digress…
I can now say no to people. Gracefully at that!
I can turn down romantic advances even though someone likes me, because I trust my gut and don’t rely on others to make me feel good about myself. Though I like attention, I don’t need it.
I don’t have to give anyone anything.
I choose how I spend every moment and with whom I spend it.
I choose who I speak to.
I can now take compliments.
I keep my head up and my eyes direct when someone looks at me.
I am listening more.
I am learning how to identify when I judge others, judge myself, think too heavy into the past or into the future, and I am able to redirect my focus with a few techniques I have picked up for BPD.
I have learned that maybe love is an intellectual decision– An intellectual decision by making a commitment to consistently make sure another person’s needs are always met to the best of your ability. I did not do this. I did not think this way. I am thinking this way now.
I have found that my heart is huge and my skin is thin.
I am more patient than I have ever been.
I don’t like being alone, but I am finding ways to cope. I can color in adult coloring books, and drink virgin pina coladas all while watching Southern Charm Savannah, and remember every annoyingly awesome detail.
I am living.
I am happi… er.
Three weeks until I uproot my world and start anew. I know that I will put Houston behind me because I have to. My heart still aches for X. I know that I really do love him. Part of me feels as if I myself am The Little Mermaid. I have spent my time hoping Prince Eric will want to marry me. Now is crunch time. In three weeks, he will kiss the girl or not, but either way she is swimming to Denver, and let the chips fall where they must.
Love and Peace from this Corporate Hippie,
H. Ryan
We learn to find honesty in the program. The alcoholic has the hardest time with this. Let me tell you. It’s not that we are pathological liars. For me, and I can only speak from experience, it’s about hiding things. It’s about leaving certain information out, to create a beautiful facade, that doesn’t worry anybody around you. If you ask us how we are doing, rarely, unless we are in the program, will we be honest. We could be living in a hole under a bridge, but we will never let you see that. Instead, we will tell you life is grand, post something on Facebook, we exaggerate and over compensate for what we don’t have. Remember, I didn’t buy myself new towels in 10 years plus… yeah, we aren’t at all what we seem. We lie. We manipulate. We want you to see us as amazing, but in reality, we are not. We want desperately to be amazing and live amongst the living, but we don’t because we can’t. We hide. Some articles depict the alcoholic as a supreme narcissist. Maybe that is true to some extent; however this is bullshit. We may lie, we may cancel on you at the last minute because we can’t stand ourselves, but unlike the narcissist, we don’t mean to! We want to keep you shielded from pain, and when we cause it, it pains us more than it pains you, and it takes us longer to forgive it. Believe me. We may lie, but it’s not what it seems.
My relationships are all okay now. Not fabulous, but okay. I can live with that. My mom and I have come to some sort of understanding, and it’s nice talking to her again. As long as we keep it light, we are good. X and I have both selected our new apartments. He is staying here, and my lease is signed in Denver! Life at the casa isn’t awful. We also have found some sort of understanding. We keep it light, and we are good. Work is work. Friends have been weeded out of my garden. My loose ends are tying up. The only thing left is to replace my windshield, change my oil, rotate my tires, and go.
It’s not starting over. It’s just starting.
No reason to lie, no reason to be upset, no reason to grieve, no reason to hide.
Not Anymore.
H. Ryan
I am so accustomed to giving apologies, that I am not sure how to receive one. I can’t remember the last time I did get an apology from someone. A real one. My mom wrote me an email. It was vague, but to the point. I’m not sure that she knows why she is sorry, only that she wants this to get better and for us to talk. I don’t really know what to do. Her timing of that email, though I’m sure unintentional, was sent to me days before my dad’s birthday. I feel pressured to make it right, right away. It doesn’t help when dad calls, and asks if I received her email, on the way to taking her to her doctor’s appointment. This feels shitty. I don’t think anyone is intending this to be or feel shitty, but it does. Now I have to wonder what is wrong with her now? Is she really sick? Do I need to hurry and make peace? This is not being done in the time that I need it to be, yet, do I have a choice to be a little selfish, and wait? I have no clue. Again, my actions are being driven by others. My decisions are being manipulated by others, all of the time. Can’t I just take a moment to process this? Then, can I make a decision on what to do next?
Though the email is important to me, and a huge step for her, I am left a little empty reading it. Again, I can’t move forward with a person, if they aren’t willing to do any work to not repeat the past.
I need to hit a meeting for some guidance.
H. Ryan
If the right person yesterday invited me for a drink, I probably would have had one. I don’t know. What I do know is that I didn’t. I got a cherry coke and a turkey sandwich instead.
When all of the positive mantras, AA literature, breathing techniques, releasing energy, when all of this doesn’t work, you can buckle or do something else. At first I was a raging bull. I panicked. I wanted to be the beast that was chasing me. My eyes were glowing red and I swear my pupils were doing an energy ball technique of their own- big, small, rage, anxiety. Big eyes. Little Eyes. Paranoia. Disgust. Bargaining. Planning. Obsessing.
I made my way to my bed and just rested. Door closed. Lights off. Earbuds on. You know, I never thought about people and their headphones. What are they listening to? Are they meditating their way through a crisis? Makes one wonder now. I actively and passively; emotionally and unemotionally rested. I gave myself permission to shut down, turn off the lights, and be. Sometimes all that you need is everything that you are. Sometimes all that you need is silence and breath.
Four black horses all galloping in a ring. One white horse to my left galloping freely. A few brown to my right. A black snake to my NorthEast, and a gecko to my West. Here we go.
I feel like being quieter today. So I will.
H. Ryan
I want a drink. I really want a drink.
My trigger hits me when I just don’t give a fuck anymore. I do give a fuck, so this is unnerving. I’m not sure where this coming from. All that I know is that I want to go to Walgreens now, and buy a box of wine and drink it. I really don’t want to be sober today. I want a day to not think about anything, and just zone out. I need a vacation, and I would like wine there. Maybe that’s why I spend hours asleep or meditating– just to escape. It is taking everything I fucking have not to drive to the store.
It’s only 9am.
How did this feeling come back? All I want to do is lock my doors, plop in front of the tv (because tv is fun drunk) and sit and drink and pass out and drink and not be bothered. I hate that X lives here. I probably would go to the store and get a box if he didn’t live here, so I could drink in peace.
Holy shit. Stop. Breathe. Chill out.
It’s clawing through my skin like the Predator. I can feel my thoughts pissing on my brain more than my physical self going down hill on a black diamond.
Thoughts kill us.
Shit.
In times like now, I am going to scream into my pillow, take a shower, and put a smile on my face. I know that if I drink, I will not stop. I will say something I regret to X and completely forget what it was. I will not be productive at work if I drink. I will waste my next 24 hours.
Okay. One minute at a time.
H. Ryan
I do not trust myself completely. I do trust myself enough to start listening to my gut. Women are tremendous creatures, and we are innately blessed with powerful intuition. If we just stop and listen long enough, we may hear exactly what we need to. Not what we want or expect to.
I am so moved by my friend’s attention. What an earnest and beautiful person he is. I’m not ready. He’s not ready. I feel calm when I am around him when he is calm, but when he is manic, I too get manic. Monkey see monkey do. I am strong and feel fairly good on my own, but I am am still impressionable. I see this. I recognize that I’m not in a place for unnecessary chaos. I’m just not. I cannot throw myself from one situation into another. I don’t think I am mourning the loss of X anymore, more of a little bug that flies around your face every time and again, but it’s about me. I will not rush, and he is pushing me to. I don’t have to do dinner. It’s nice that I have options to be around people, but I don’t have to do anything that I don’t want to. I am not obligated to do anything. Wow. That’s freeing.
If I move in too soon, too quickly, I will only be replacing an old love with a new love, and not actually starting fresh. I must learn from my mistakes. I must do things differently. So I am.
H. Ryan
Love Over Wine 