Building Rituals – Day 19

~ MrsMac ~ 1 Comment

Well how’d that happen. 10 days since I posted last. I have been keeping up with daily Facebook and I Am Sober Apps. Checking in and reading posts are really helpful. Back when I first got sober there wasn’t anything like that. It was blogging on WordPress or Blogger.

I have a little morning ritual now where I am up before everyone else. Sit with a cup of coffee and log into I Am Sober app to do my daily pledge to stay sober. I then complete 3 questions on their workbook and then read and sometimes post on the community section. This seems to keep me accountable and gives me time to reflect on myself and my sobriety. I find it helpful and allows me to fully commit to my sobriety. Also most nights when I go to bed I try to scribble something in my gratitude journal.

These 2 actions bookend my day perfectly. The morning peace time is bliss and really sets me up for the day. The gratitude allows me to positively reflect on my day – regardless of how it went.

I think doing some work on myself is really helpful. I like to come here too so I can journal exactly whats going on in my life/head. This is what helped so much first time round. Its just a place I can remunerate in peace. I doubt anyone uses wordpress anymore lol.

These past few days have been busy. Its the end of half term and I have been busy in the garden cutting the hedge. It feels great to be outdoors and being physical. Something I also need to factor into my routine. Any amount of being outdoors is good for me. Walks, gardening, shopping, stroll round the block. It all helps. I have also been out for dinner with hubs, Theatre with my daughter and Coffee with an old AA friend. I’m not in the fellowship but have been to AA on occasion. It definitely helps ground me when I hear other people talk, I feel less alone. But I will never be a regular goer. In the same way I didn’t want drinking to take over my life. I dont want my sobriety to take over my life.

Hubs asked if im not drinking at the moment. I never told him I stopped. In this past year since I started drinking I have said im stopping so many times, I doubt he believes me anymore. Instead, I have just quietly stopped. Im putting the work in but im not obsessing about it. I know I have to stop for me and no one else. Therefore Im not making loud declarations of my sobriety. im just not drinking anymore.

Some people my think im leaving a window open for drinking to enter back in but I feel the opposite. Im just quietly getting on with it. I dont want to drink. but sometimes when i shout about it. Its like a red rag to my booze bitch who then makes it her life’s challenge to get me drinking again. Therefore im doing sobriety by stealth this time.

Mrs Mac x

Easier Sober- Day 9

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Well I surpassed the week, go me!

I am finding it okay at the moment but still on my guard for when the little ‘drink now’ voice makes an appearance. In the past that voice can be all consuming and even though I remind myself of why I am sober and how alcohol is a bad idea, it just doesn’t register properly. Like some other part of me has already made the decision to drink and its just waiting on me to catch up.

I’m truly scared of that voice as I know what power it has over me. I am astonished it hasn’t spoke up yet. This is a good thing and maybe because I’m being so diligent it is keeping quiet, for now.

I feel 100% better than I did last week. The shame of drinking and sneaking drinks is calming down, being replaced with something akin to joy. I am proud of myself. I have volunteered to work in a charity shop and did some training on Monday and yesterday. This would have took a monumental effort if I was still drinking but I thoroughly enjoyed it. Being present and interacting with others was amazing. I didn’t get overwhelmed and actually think, being more active is a good thing for my sobriety, as boredom is a big trigger for me.

I also went back to Pilates and Choir this week which was way easier when you’re not hungover or missing it on purpose in favour of drinking. I did reward myself with a MacDonald’s after Choir though which is a little naughty. I have to be careful not to replace alcohol with food haha.

All in all this has been a good week so far. Heading into another weekend tomorrow but I have plans. I am going out with Hubs for a meal on Friday night and then we have some work in the garden to do over the weekend. I have no idea if any cravings will hit tomorrow night. If they do, I will stay strong. I don’t think Hubs will be drinking (as he is out on Saturday) so this will help. Either way, as soon as I eat something that is normally the end of any craving.

Mrs Mac x

Pink Clouds & Goblins – Day 6

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I survived the weekend – Yipee! Not only that but around day 4 – 5 I normally start telling myself that I’ve been really ‘good’ and have proven I can stop and therefore I can have a drink. I usually cave at this point, especially when it lands on the weekend. However, I found it not to difficult. I wonder if this is the ‘Pink Cloud’ moment. I hope so and long may it last.

My weekend consisted of: Friday night, girls night with my daughter, a sunny walk out for lunch with hubs on Saturday and a family visit to the grandparent’s on Sunday. Any one of these events would have led to me drinking but I didn’t.

Even hubs admitted that he was very tempted by a beer after our walk on Saturday. (he had been out the night before also) He was amazed I didn’t want a beer in the sunny beer garden. I explained it was only 2pm and although1 beer would have been nice it would have turned into a couple and then we would have carried on drinking though the rest of the day/evening. Even if by some miracle I didn’t continue drinking back at home, the day would have been written off.

He agreed, then not so subtly asked if id had a drink the night before? As if the only explanation for me not drinking was because I must have been hungover haha. I proudly said I hadn’t had a drink since Tuesday. I’m not going into detail about wanting to quit. I’ve been here too many times, I don’t think he would believe me anyway. I’m just not drinking, no pressure, no explanation. This is my thing, my decision.

On another note, I looked back to 2016 when I was last on day 6 and this is when I said the cravings hit. I shall enjoy my ‘pink cloud’ for now but stay ever diligent for those sneaky cravings. As they are sneaky. That little voice telling me I’m okay. I can have just 1. I’ve gone 6 days so I don’t have a problem. I deserve it, you have a day off tomorrow blah blah blah. Its just all lies. The goblin on my shoulder.

Mrs Mac x

Heading into the Weekend – Day 3 – 4

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It’s still very early days but Friday was easier than expected. I did a trial at a local charity shop where I would like to volunteer. This is out of my comfort zone but I felt great doing it. I think I will sign up for one morning a week and see how it goes. I don’t want to overwhelm myself but I also know, too much time on my hands leads me to drink. Reducing the boredom and doing something fulfilling will help to shush my Very loud drinking voice.

Last night, everyone was out except me and my daughter. The temptation to buy a bottle of wine would normally be high but I was firm in my decision – I don’t drink. My daughter did my nails while telling me about some girl drama she was having at school. Teenage girls can be so mean. Normally this sort of thing really triggers me cos I feel her pain but also feel like I cannot do anything to help. Since I wasn’t drinking I kept my cool and let my daughter get it all off her chest. I think it helped as she seemed happier and even arranged to meet one of her other friends today to hang out.

Today on day 4 I feel content. I’ve kept myself busy (ish) going on a walk, ferrying my son around, popping to the shops and writing here. Soon, I will make a big Chilli and pick a movie to watch with Mr Mac for later.

Even though its a bright sunny day here, which would normally be an excuse for drinking in a beer garden or at a BBQ, I feel content with my diet coke looking out over the garden.

Mrs Mac

I Never Stood a Chance – Day 2

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Many times over the last year I have loudly declared I’m stopping drinking. I naively thought that since id done it before id easily be able to do it again. Oh how wrong I was…

With in a matter of months of picking up that first drink, my drinking escalated. It happened much quicker than I thought it would. 7 years I was sober. Surely it would take 7 years to get bad again? But, I told myself it was fine, I would just rein it in a bit. I’ll sort it out. However, over months and months I failed at every attempt to moderate and rein it in. You see, my brain just ‘Lights up’ with that first drink and there is no way to stop it.

So, I therefore decided it would be better if I just quit for good again. I was happier sober after all. Alcohol just didn’t live up to it’s memory. Most of my time I spent either inebriated or hungover. I was deceived. My silly rose tinted brain tricked me, alcohol wasn’t that fun after all. So I decided, ‘This girl is getting her sober life back’. Unfortunately every attempt to quit for good also failed.

So now I felt that I couldn’t moderate and I couldn’t quit. I was back to hiding my alcohol and sneaking drinks so people wouldn’t judge me. However, I was only conning myself. Being so hungover everyday was excruciating. The guilt and shame of hiding my drinking was awful and the panic I felt thinking I’d be found out was exhausting. Despite all that, I still couldn’t tell anyone because I really wanted to carry on drinking unrestricted. I’d created my own hell that I wasn’t sure I wanted out of.

I was a pathetic excuse for a person; who only lived for alcohol. I had just about resigned myself to a life of this when it dawned on me. I had an ah-ha lightbulb moment.

It’s not me that is the problem. It’s not my fault i’m sad, anxious, ashamed, unmotivated, bloated, tired, guilt-ridden, blah, blah, blah. The fault lies firmly with alcohol. Without alcohol I don’t feel these emotions constantly overwhelming me.

As obvious as that sounds, it really struck deep with in me. I know alcohol is bad and made me feel bad but somehow I thought it was all my fault. My fault I couldn’t control it. My fault I drank so much. My fault for hiding it. My fault for lying about it. My fault I was so sick. My fault for not wanting to give it up. The only thing I did was get addicted to an addicted thing.

So today, on Day 2 (more determined than ever) I’m looking at alcohol through a new, new lens. last time I quit because I couldn’t control my drinking. This time i’m quitting because i have no desire to let something have that much power over me emotionally and physically.

Mrs Mac

New Beginnings – Day 1

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Well, I survived my first day. This is the easy part. I’ve felt so hungover for most of the day I don’t think drinking was in the equation.

Going forward will be harder. The further away I get from the hangover and shame the more likely I will want a drink. Even though I’m aware of this, it’s still incredibly hard not to listen to the drink voice in my head when it starts shouting. It’s like all logic and reason go out the window and no matter how hard I try I cannot seem to remember or even understand why I shouldn’t have a drink.

Anyway, I missed pilates today, ate bad food all day and generally feel awful but I am going to bed (still hungover) but at least sober.

I’ll check in tomorrow on day 2

Mrs Mac

It All Ended on Day 2612

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I was sober from Friday, 1 April 2016 to Saturday, 27 May 2023

Result: 2612 days Sober

Last year on Saturday, 27 May 2023, after 7 years, 1 month, 26 days. I decided to have a drink on holiday.

WHAT!!!! I hear you screaming… WHY!!!

I have no explanation, apart from I thought it would be okay. I thought after being sober for so long that I could have the odd beer. Somehow I was different and could have a drink now.

I can say, I am no different to anyone else. Of course my drinking escalated. With in 2 months, I’d gone from a few beers every now and then to boozy Mrs Mac.

My drinking got out of control very quickly. I was hiding my bottles. sneaking drinks. I bought vodka and hid it.

I fell into a pattern of massively over drinking for weeks. Then I’d feel gross, ill, fat, sad, ashamed so I’d rein it in a bit with 1 or 2 drink free days (usually only my hangover day) and then start all over again.

I have had many day 1’s in this last year. I even did 11wks but nothing is sticking. It’s way harder this time.

I always feel so much better when I dont drink. I feel calmer. happier. more in control.

I know I cannot drink responsibly. I wish I could. It would be so nice to have a glass of champagne to celebrate or a drink at christmas but it always kicks off a binge for months.

So today, after many failed day 1’s, after nearly a year of drinking and unable to stop again. I’m digging deep and coming back here. The place where I started my sobriety journey back in 2016. Blogging daily got me through to 7 years sober. So I’m here being accountable.

Please be gentle

Mrs Mac

Re Affirming my Decision to Quit – Day 2521

~ MrsMac ~ 2 Comments

I wrote before Christmas about how the thought of drinking was creeping back in. I want to thank you for your comments and unwavering support and advice that drinking would be a very bad idea! Even though I know this to be true, having you lot say it out loud definitely helped.

I survived Christmas sober and even though I had thoughts of drinking beforehand it didn’t really bother me on the big day. I stocked up on some great AF beers and Ciders and I even treated myself to an AF gin. (which was somewhat underwhelming really; I enjoyed the tonic water better.)

However, heading in to the New Year, I kept having these little fantasies about trying a real beer. It usually creeps up on me before a night out with friends or hubby. I day dream about having one all the way until I actually get out, then I order an OJ or AF beer and I’m fine. Poof Gone – No more thoughts of wanting a real one. Plus, by the end of the night and especially the next day I am soooo grateful I didn’t have a drink. Phew.

I think I need to re-affirm my decision to quit. Somewhere in the back of my brain I’ve left a small window of doubt open. I need to double down on my reasons to be and stay sober to help firmly shut that opening.

We have recently come back from a family ski trip in Bulgaria where I unfortunately broke my wrist on our first day. Luckily, hubby was fine to take the kids skiing while I sat at the bottom of the slopes drinking coffee. However the desire to drink was strong. Mainly due to boredom and feeling sorry for myself I think.

So we are all back in the UK and I have a further 4 weeks until I get my bulky cast off. This is a good time to work on me and my sobriety. I cannot do much else at the moment – one hand typing is getting tedious haha.

Way back over 6 years ago I wrote a list of all the reasons why I was getting sober. This was so I could go back and read it if I ever doubted my decision to quit. The top five are below but there are many many more.

  • You hid bottles of wine to hide how much you were drinking.
  • You drank vodka in secret so it didn’t look like you’d drank much wine.
  • You wasted far too many nights zombie’d in front of the TV and eating shit.
  • Alcohol stopped being fun – you can’t only have 1 drink.
  • My kids seeing me drunk.

The best thing I did at the beginning of my sobriety was to firmly make a conscious decision not to drink then made a promise to Never Ever question that decision. I may have 2521 days sober but today I re affirm my decision not to drink and promise to use all my tools available to me to help me do that.

today i will not drink

Mrs Mac

Why Now? – Day 2411

~ MrsMac ~ 6 Comments

6 years, 7 months since my last drink. Probably 6 years since I thought about wanting a drink, so why now?

Why now, out of the blue, these past couple of weeks have I been thinking about drinking again?

I’m so conflicted. I really don’t want to. I’m proud of my sobriety. Very proud of myself for achieving it. I class it as one of the best (and hardest) things I’ve ever done.

For years I’ve been really happy. I’m comfortable being sober in any situation; it’s so natural now. No matter what life has thrown at me over the years there has been no thought about drinking at all.

So why now?

I’m not sure I will act on these thoughts. But I’m worried to even mention it to Mr Mac (who doesn’t drink either) as he has said in the past that if I drink again, he would drink again.

You see, I was a problem drinker but he was just a social drinker so he can drink again no problem if he wants but I’m afraid if either one of us mentions it, we will encourage each other to drink rather than not drink.

That voice in my head has started to say.

“the kids are older now and life is easier”

“eldest is nearing 18 and wouldn’t it be nice to have a beer with him”

“it’s been so long without a drink I’ll be fine to have one occasionally”

“a real beer will be fun “

The truth is I think I’d be extremely disappointed in myself if I drank. Even thinking about it seriously makes me feel sick.

No way would I give up my sobriety. I might never be able to do it again. One of the main things that kept me sober in the beginning was knowing that it would be too hard to start at Day 1 again so I had to keep moving forward.

I don’t know if anyone has successfully moderated their drinking after 6 years sober. I remember in the past never being able to moderate. I failed every time. Hell I cannot even say no to biscuits now.

Each morning I wake up and think how stupid I was for thinking about drinking. And I list all the reasons why it’s not a good idea but bit by bit as the day goes on I think wouldn’t it be nice to have a drink with Mr Mac or a glass of fizz at Christmas? Why??????? I’ve never thought that for the last 6 years!

Arrgghhh

If there is anyone left out there after all this time, I’m sure you’re screaming at me to not do it. I’m 99.9% sure I won’t but I hate having these thoughts. It’s been so long I don’t know what to do with them.

Mrs Mac

Less Irritated – Day 1772

~ MrsMac ~ 8 Comments

After offloading in my last post, I do feel better. My irritation with Mr Mac is more about me than him. There are several things going on I think.

He is closest to me therefore gets the brunt of my irritability. I’m not getting out to see family and friends because of Covid. I’m not exercising or getting enough fresh air. We’re renting while Mr Mac renovates our new house. (which makes me feel in limbo). I haven’t been eating enough lately and I’m lonely.

I believe all these things contribute to how I am feeling. Is it possible to feel bored but at the same time have no interest or motivation to do anything?

Writing all this down does give me a starting point to begin sorting it all out. I have been eating more these past few days. I worry about getting into bad habits and putting weight on but I know I am less irritable because I have eaten more meals.

I have contacted a friend and we are meeting up for a walk tomorrow; come rain or shine. I will turn up and it will be good for me.

Even writing here in my blog again helps immensely. It gives me a place to talk openly and relieve some boredom.

I need structure and I don’t like it when things change or feel out of my control. I have to remember to take small steps towards doing things which are good for me. I need to organise my week so I don’t become lethargic.

I don’t want to be that person who will be happy when…. When the kids go back to school or…. When Lockdown restrictions ease or…. When our new house is renovated.

The unease is within me and I need to deal with that so I can be happen now not ‘when’.

I recognise this feeling but I don’t know what to call it. It comes over me in cycles. One minute life is good. I’m busy writing articles for my Website; I am motivated and get joy out of it. Then, several days or even weeks later I cannot get motivated. It becomes such an effort to write. I’m bored, but I have no motivation to write or seek out anything to do.

All the while I feel guilty for not working or doing more. Then, after a few days or weeks it suddenly passes and I’m motivated once more to work and write and laugh again….. until next time.

I cannot find rhyme or reason for feeling like this and I don’t always know how to fix it then it happens.

I have changed jobs twice over the last few years trying to find peace from my anxiety. I now work for myself and Mr Mac at home. This has eliminated all feelings of overwhelm and massively reduced my anxiety which is great but have I gone too far?

Am I now bored and lonely because of it? It doesn’t help that within weeks of starting to work from home we were thrown into lockdown!

I’ve rambled enough. I will make sense of this. I will find the right balance…. eventually….

Mrs Mac.