A Weighty Issue

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Nike has it right. Just Do it! Exercise and fitness play a big role in my enjoyment of kink and life. Each of us carry weight differently, physically and emotionally. Physically, I carry my weight around my abs. Emotionally, it weighs on my shoulders and makes me nauseous. Ironically, I find abs and shoulders attractive on a man. However, I’m so upset with not having them myself that I can’t enjoy them when I see them. Instead of “hot abs on that mannn…whew it’s getting hot in here,” I think “man, I wish I could cut and paste those abs on me.” But, I’m ready to shed the weight and move on to really enjoy abs – mine and others.

I exercised today. I turned up the music, tuned out the talking of the trainer, and just jammed. No judgment. No worry. Just jamming. I encourage everyone who reads this blog to give it a try.

Rope Unbound

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Rope bondage is such a functional and beautiful kink. The marriage of functional technique and creativity creates the pictures which inspire and sometimes come to represent kink.

Rope tops or riggers are interesting creatures, who must have the dual abilities to safely rig from a technical standpoint, and also to simultaneously envision and create a beautiful piece. Skill is required and must be developed. Tying in public, they may seem to be intensely focused and lack the sensuality of dominants in other forms of play….Did you see my slip up, reader? I just generalized that all rope tops are dominants. This is not the case. Rope communities or rope families can have members who are dominant, submissive or neither. There are even participants who don’t view rope play sexually.

Rope bottoms or bunnies can be dominant or submissive too, however, most ties tend to place the bottom in a physically compromising position. Rope bottoming might seem like a passive mindless kink, but it’s far from it. In my view, a good bottom must be healthy enough to withstand the physical stress of tying, understand and support the emotional needs of the rigger, and be able to inform the rigger’s decision-making through providing good feedback during scenes. In addition, I am discovering that a bottom must also have good makeup skills and good knowledge of her body to truly show off the work of the rigger.

My initial view of rope was a tunnel that led to the grand prize of kinky fuckery. There wasn’t much emotion in the rope other than the destination. MD and I have messed with rope since the early days of our relationship, but we have no pictures of MD’s first or earliest ties, largely due to the taboo of liking bondage and the view of rope as a vehicle rather than the meat of the scene. More recently, I began viewing rope differently. Rope is emotion.

Rope is emotion. MD is a master at probing me and others for understanding, but tends to hold his cards tight to the chest. Rope is a form of MD’s emotional expression, and it’s emotion given freely without resistance. The very fact that he wants rope play on a given night, the way he handles the rope, his demeanor during tying, his choice of position or point of view, and many other factors give me a glimpse of what is going on inside his mind and heart. Secondly, MD is on a journey throughout the tie, during any sexual action which may be involved, and during aftercare. As the bottom, it’s easy to forget that or not notice it at all. I see this now and try to support his experience in an appropriate manner.

In terms of my experience as the bottom, I initially viewed it very much like when a makeup artist does your face. You either gab with them the whole time or sit in silence thinking about whatever is coming after. It’s a rite of passage to get to the main event. But, rope bottoming is not that way.

Again, rope is emotion. Viewing rope as MD’s expression caused a profound change in the way I saw rope too. I wanted to understand his emotion and POV. That required accompanying him on the journey as he ties and immersing myself in the scene as well. That immersion has been one of the most profound and happiest experiences in my life. The intensity of the connection and exchange were amazing. Watching MD bloom and develop confidence, both in scene and in life, and feeding that confidence is a joy. I also realized that I am his “art” in the tie. To make his work look good, I feel an obligation to make the effort to get fit, pick appropriate makeup and attire, and learn to position my body aesthetically in bondage. I am much more than a limp doll (unless the scene calls for it).

If you would like to learn more about all the many facets of rope, I suggest Fox and Mya’s podcast, Rope Podcast. There are also lots of classes, including virtual options thanks to covid, to get involved. Happy Bond(age)ing!

The Two Dom Fantasy…there and back again.

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The two dominant fantasy (2df). It sounds quite official when you write it like that. Yes, this idea has lingered for a few years, unspoken in the back of my mind. The only time I’ve ever spoken about it was when a fellow sub told me about threesomes. Recently, however, I told MD.

As background, I have lots of acquaintances and am perceived as an overall happy person. In that group, I have maybe 3 female friends outside of family that I truly respect and think highly of. Most girls just anger me with idiocy, lack of depth, feelings, and passive aggressive bs. I find it easier to communicate and hang around guys. (And, reader, you are right. It’s only smart guys who run at my wavelength.) This has persisted through my life, and my best friends have always been male. This includes my latest best friend, who in addition to the hiking, workouts, reading, and hanging out, seems to enjoy tying me up and doing things to me. I have many guy friends, but I’ve only ever felt that depth of connection with one guy. I just never think of the other guys as anything more than platonic chums.

My 2df is pretty specific. A relationship where MD has a close brotherhood-like friendship with a fellow rigger dom who is a bit different in his dominance style and they share me. No guy on guy. They are both exclusive with me – no other romantic objects of affection. It’s not just a play situation, but very real. I serve and sleep between two guys every night. The second dom must be good looking, smart, a rigger, and that list of specification continues until…I am looking at a more harsh, rule-based version of MD.

A fantasy, left in the dreamy star-studded sky of a wondrous night on the balcony of a fairytale castle located in the deep woods and lush landscapes of a highly imaginative mind, causes that visceral reaction that gets the endorphins running and the body squirming. A fantasy, brought into the daylight and considered realistically, can be a lot less alluring and teach you more about yourself. So much so, that it’s only safe space is in the mind…maybe, if it’s still alluring?

MD did not/does not seem threatened by my 2df. As a practical person, he said he knew it was highly unlikely that I would ever meet a person I was into like that. And, he is right. I have never seen or met anyone kinky that I was even physically attracted to, much less an individual that met the rest of my long laundry list to even consider intimacy. However, MD had this look in his eyes that said he was holding something back and there was a palpable discomfort in his body language. There was a dissonance between what he said and what I perceived, and I probed him further. I asked for honesty and I received it. After the dose of honesty, which involved no judgment, the landscape of my fantasy was a bit changed and it will not fit into the recesses of my kinky, creative fairytale anymore. What’s interesting is that, I’m not unhappy without it and the fairytale kingdom seems to continue to flourish.

Practically, through our exploration of this subject, I learned that I need a more multi-dimensional approach to dominance from MD. MD is a natural white knight dominant. He generally measures himself, not by whether you follow his orders precisely, but by whether you can make the right choices when confronted by many. He seeks to empower. But, there is a hidden and intense side of MD that is sadistic, animalistic, harsh, to the rule book, and dark. He hides this side not only from me, but from himself. I think he is afraid that I will reject his desires, that he will view it as a rejection of that part of him, and then have to deal with the hurt that follows. I hope he understands that I not only see it, but that I love to play in his garden of depravity. I hope that he knows that I love him, all of him. And…that there are many dark, hidden parts of my fairytale castle that he might feel right at home in.

The Wide and Awesome Kinky World

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When I first began this blog, it was definitely D/s focused. Some things remain the same. I am still married and still submissive in the bedroom, so it is still the same viewpoint in that respect. However, my perspectives on D/s and interests in bdsm have evolved to include a wide gamut of other ideas. I find myself curious to explore the ever expanding universe of kink.

I have a few kinky friends and they have each had their own unique journeys. They all began as D/s, but have diverged into other things that please them – lifestyle D/s, threesomes, primal play, DD/lg, etc. So, if you are just beginning your journey, my advice is to keep an open mind and take it all in. You will find things you love and others things that are hard limits. But, these change over time too, so maintain an open mind and heart throughout your journey. It leads to a deeper, richer, and more exciting experience.

In terms of perspectives on D/s itself, I think it’s still the current that underlies our life experience. Sometimes, it’s front and center like a drum solo, but mostly it thrums along like a heartbeat in the background – loud in moments of passion or exertion, steady at times, and quiet at times of conflict or introspection.

Sometimes, D/s blends so well into our marriage, it’s impossible to discern Dom or husband, sub or wife. There’s no rigidity or protocol outside a few limited circumstances. But, I like it better this way. It makes the focus on our needs first, rather than some superimposed idea of what life ought to look like. There are days that he/I need to feel the D/s all day and we can accommodate that. There are days he/I may need a particular type of scene and we can accommodate that. On other days, it might be a casual call/text at lunch, or Netflix and chill on his chest. Dom or husband? Who knows? Does it really matter?

The beauty of our relationship – the ability to be open, caring, respectful and appreciative – was lost to protocols and rigid structure, which were superimposed on intelligent individuals. Frankly, I am not a dependent, mindless ninny and he has no desire to make all my decisions for me. We both have areas we know well and lead on. In bucking the structure, I bucked his areas of natural expertise and leadership, causing poor outcomes in those areas for me. In my areas of expertise, I became less vocal in the interest of “submission” leading to bad outcomes for him. Expertise and leadership are hard-earned commodities. Why waste them?

In conclusion, dominance or submission too, can be narrowly and seamlessly tailored to fit your evolving needs. Keep that in mind as you continue on your unique journey into the unknown.

Random rant: Personally, I’m tired of capitalizing the He’s and Dominance and such. It’s bad practice and it makes me uncomfortable after reading our President’s tweets with odd capitalization patterns. So, I will discontinue the practice on this blog. Of course, there is no right or wrong. I’ll still read your blog if you use honorific caps!

Red Room Scene

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Among my many titles, I rediscovered an old one in a new way yesterday – rope bunny! As those who read this blog eons ago know, I love rope. As we resume our journey to destination unknown, we are starting to weave rope play back in (pun intended!). We had a rope scene yesterday and it’s probably the best I’ve had as a bottom this far.

MD is a technical-minded guy. He likes rope and he’s always been picky about his equipment and meticulous in his setup and rigging. It’s fun to watch him in his creative element. But, I saw a different side of him yesterday. It was amazing and it made me feel like I needed to preserve the flavor in writing, while it’s still fresh.

As I got ready for the scene – stripping, moisturizing my skin, fixing my hair – there was a nervous energy. MD was hanging around and seemed anxious. Normally, he’s cool, steely and in his technical element during that time, so it was out of the ordinary behavior. I asked him why he was here and whether he needed to focus and get in his element. (After all, it’s our first rope scene in a while. The pressure is ON, right?)

He admitted that he was distracted and wandered off. I saw him changing into black shorts and taking his shirt off. Then, instead of scening in the bedroom, he lead me into our gym, which now had a red glow (magic of well rigged leds). In addition to the rigging equipment, there was a yoga mat with blankets and bolsters set up. Talk about “these are a few of my favorite things.”

Rope play has generally been about rough sex for us. I felt little emotion in rope scenes other than danger, watching MD do his thing, and trying to be outwardly patient and bearing with some discomfort, in order to reach the pinnacle reward of a rough but delicious ride. The discomfort of the journey was worth it to attain the reward. So, the tone here was already different. I felt relaxed.

We sat cross-legged, facing each other on the mat, as the music began. Instead of the usual “kneel and wait for me.” he began stroking my face and kissing me, his hands gently caressing my body. Naturally, I shifted and lay my head on his lap and he continued to caress me. Then…he began to talk. The Voice, what he was saying…utter bliss. I think I spaced. He started telling me what we were going to do today and what he expected from me, using a web analogy. He was weaving his web and he wanted to capture me in it. It was hypnotic almost.

Then, the rope work began. Normally, I begin counting so that I don’t say anything rude, like “let’s get on with it” or “are we there yet” type comments. Surprisingly, no such thoughts ran across my mind. I was captured by his warm chest behind me, the sensation of his warm, soft hands leading the cool, rough rope across my skin, and his Voice as he continued to whisper. I felt connected to him in a deeper way, like he was gazing into my soul.

There was no discomfort, physically, mentally or emotionally. I was able to surrender, to slip into this alternate world with him. Rather than nervously moving rope to be more comfortable while he looked away or feeling anxious as he decided how he was going to tie my hands, I felt supported, warm and connected. I was the art, and he, as the artist, was pouring his love and creativity into me. Physically, the rope was supportive (rather than oppressive) and the strategic placement of bolsters helped take the initial bite out of a physically challenging position, so that my muscles would relax into the position. The scene flowed, as he finished tying.

Before we began, I challenged him to incorporate a hook in the scene. I’d always been afraid to try it, but I felt no anxiety as the cold hook entered me. It felt good and I was soothed by his warm hands on my back. He entered me from behind, and I don’t know what happened after that. It just felt so perfect. I don’t know what I said or he said, though I could hear him and feel him the whole time.

The next thing I remember was leaning on MD as he removed the rope. I was suddenly cold and he wrapped me in warm blankets and held me until I was cozy. Then, he continued to remove the rope and gave me some water. He was still whispering and I could still hear the voice…pulling me into a place of peace and balance. We talked about the scene, looked at pics, and I slipped into a peaceful slumber.

Takeaways:

1. Mixing sensual rigging with elements of mindfulness and yoga was liberating, peaceful and delicious. It left me wanting more. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt such bliss or peace or contentment in my life. The D/s aspect was a natural component and extension of the scene. It didn’t need protocol or an unnatural structure to establish or sustain it.

2. Scening takes work and a certain mindfulness from the Top and the bottom. It’s a meeting of the minds, and that’s equally as important as the kink or fetish included.

3. The intangible anchor points in a scene are as important as the real anchor points. The web analogy, the hot/cold and rough/soft juxtapositions and constant touch, caressing and whispering allowed me to space, but still anchored to the scene nevertheless.

4. I think it’s all about putting your partner first. I could see from the beginning that this scene was put together with a lot of thought and love, with me and my needs in mind. I felt a strong desire to please from the get go.

5. Setting the scene —- thinking about the details like sensation, lighting, music, seamless-ness beforehand allows the Top and bottom to focus on each other more during the scene, rather than on the details. I can see how this element of setting the scene can also be harnessed for a different type of scene with a different flavor.

Midnight Thoughts

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Do you ever feel emotionally drained? Holidays with family does that to me. I feel as though I have been smacked around for three weeks in a work camp with dementors. When I go back to work, I feel overwhelmed and tired. I need some friends – uncomplicated, light-hearted, non-judgmental, love you for who you are, friends. The mythical (nonexistent) unicorn of friendship, right?

Love, Respect & Kindness

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I haven’t done a public post in a long time, but I felt like writing one today. There is a simple truth I have come to realize: D/s, dominance, submission or any other structure cannot solve the underlying problems in a relationship. At best, it is a band-aid. At worst, it can be the undoing of something with the potential to be wonderful. I’m not saying that D/s is not right or real or wonderful for some, as it most certainly is. But, it needs a healthy foundation beneath it. And, I’m not talking about some magical 12 steps to becoming an awesome sub or Dom. I’m talking about connection, commitment, openness and trust.

As I look back and read some of my posts, I cannot identify with them anymore. I don’t think I am Dominant or submissive in our relationship, and neither is he. I am just me. And he is just him. We are good people who want to help humanity and be happy (albeit with some kinks and complexities). We bring different talents to the table. We help and support each other. We have good days and bad days.

Humans spend so much of life rambling around searching for more – more happiness, more money, more whatever it may be that we seek. We lose sight of the fundamental idea that happiness, balance and contentment are a present choice. We fail to experience the happiness that is right here in front of us and instead foolishly chase after things that don’t matter. We miss moments that we will never experience again.

So, my advice: Examine why you seek a dynamic before entering one. Is it really the structure you seek or is it a band-aid to cover something else? If you come to find that it is a band-aid, rip it off and confront what lies beneath. It will hurt, it may look ugly, but it is real. If you have a partner that needs to do this, be kind to them especially when they are not kind to themselves.

Marriage is beyond D/s, contracts or any other structure we impose on it. It is a promise of love, respect and kindness. The love, respect and kindness that I have received and continue to receive from my partner, are undeserved and not reciprocated at times. Yet, he heals me every time by showering me with it, unconditionally. He loves me when I don’t love myself. He believes in me when I don’t believe in myself. He is my strength when I am weak. I hope I can become a woman worthy of him and be his strength too. So, that is my goal this New Year!


W-L

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The legal profession, when characterized in its more rudimentary form, is one of wins and losses.  At the end of most litigation, unless parties can agree upon a settlement, there are winners and losers.  As lawyers, most of us can probably give you some quantification of the W-L split, whether it be a percentage, ratio or even individual cases we have won or lost.  Wins and losses in turn shape the course of our law, our way of life, our civilization and history itself.  Not every case is a Marbury, Roe, Brown or Obergefell (to name a few).  Some are more nuanced matters, that the vast majority of individuals in society would roll their eyes at, unless it concerned them personally.

As a lawyer, I unintentionally tend to view things with a W-L mentality at first blush (with emphasis on how to get to the W).  This almost instant, sub-conscious W-L analysis  affects my approach, legal strategy and how I handle the case generally.  I tend to be more cautious, guarded, detail-oriented and work harder on cases I view as Ls.  A sense of nervous anxiety generally also accompanies the effort.

This view and analogy also extend to life outside the Courtroom.  Let me be clear – I know the life nor D/s is really about Ws and Ls.  There are 50 shades of grey in between, maybe more (pun intended!)  In any event, when I view Ds, I see 0-x now.  If we were ever to go back there, I’d feel a compulsion to work harder but it would cause much anxiety.  Based on the priors, any hope is accompanied by this nagging feeling of impending failure.

Maybe, you are a poor lawyer — NO WAY!

Maybe, you are a poor sub – perhaps…entirely possible.

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Adjusting to Vanilla

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There has been no D/s in our life for the last few months, hints of flitting passion here and there, and little sex.  A unique set of circumstances led us here, but are not worth discussing.  I have become more self-sufficient and independent, but with that has come overworking, loathing and flares of rage.  I feel alone, like I have the weight of the World on my shoulders.  I’m sure MD does not like the new harsh, rough and tumble me as much, but it’s my way of survival.  For that matter, I don’t like the new me either…thinking Debbie Downer, crankilicious thoughts; no balance to calm the rage; no discipline or will to take care of my health; no desire to aim higher.  Could so much of my passion for living rely on MD?

Assuming the answer is yes, isn’t that unhealthy co-dependency?  I wonder if I should just acknowledge I need His help or put on my big girl panties and press on.  Am I taking the short-term, easy way out with the former?  Would the latter be a long-term solution that builds character?

“Opportunities are usually disguised as hard work, so most people don’t recognize them.”

– Ann Landers

Writing Again..An Update

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Things are well, given the circumstances.  It has been a stressful summer, with many challenges.  Our partnership remains strong and has been our strength as we went through his time and continue to meander through the corn maze known as life.

“We” are fragmented and the way we relate to each other is complicated (more like non-existent on certain days)  There is something missing.  It’s the feeling of longing and connection to another soul.  The sweet sadness of parting, the joy in reuniting, the awe and amazement in seeing the other, the feeling of gratitude for the other person.

I’m ready to look for it again.  Autumn is a magical time.  Looking at this blog…maybe love is a journey rather than a destination?  Maybe happily ever after is, well…NOW?