Mediocrewordsmith's Blog

9 years ago I moved to the Strawberry Mansion section of Philadelphia. Some people told me that I was an urban pioneer, some told me that I was a moron. But all agreed that I should focus mostly on my safety, and not grow too attached to anything that I couldn’t strap down to the floor.

Shortly after moving in, I was informed of the Recyclebank program that Philly had adopted. Essentially, it was a free program, to increase the public’s awareness about recycling, and encourage residents to recycle what they could. You could easily register online, print out your unique barcode, and tape the bar code to the side of a Rubbermaid tote, and every week, the recycling truck would empty your bucket, scan your code, and points would be added to your “bank”, which could be used for fabulous gifts and prizes.

I was on-board.

So, like clockwork, out to the curb with my bottles and cans, stuff gets scanned and picked up, and I get an email that points have been added to the “bank”… week after week, email after email, points after points in the “bank”.  It was a pretty good system. And after a while you could earn enough points for free movie tickets, or gift cards, or magazine subscriptions..

Then it happened.. On a cold, snowy February morning of 2011, my bucket walked away. Under a blanket of frosty winter landscape, my tub had vanished…

How could this happen?!? Who needed a broken down Home Depot tote that badly, and why did they have to take mine?!? I was making a real difference from my stoop!!  I was 20 points away from a free car wash, goddamnit!!!

About a month after my receptacle went missing, I moved out of Strawberry Mansion. The heinous crime had nothing to do with the relocation, but if I had any doubts about moving out, thinking about the missing box, cleared my thoughts right up.

Then one day, about 3 months later, I get an email from recyclebank… somewhere out there, in the green streets of West Philadelphia, someone was once again using my tub, as a recycling container, and just like clockwork, the emails were coming and the points were adding up, and the rewards were being offered.

Today, I received a fatal email from recyclebank, that the points program is being closed, and their will be no more rewards.

I would like to thank the thieving environmentalist for all of the good work that you have done with my tub, for these last 9 years. I would like to thank you for the free movie tickets, and the free magazine subscriptions, and the coupons to get my oil changed, and the 77 points a week that you earned for me, just by stealing a broken tote, 8 years ago.

I may still want to be an urban pioneer, or at least encourage my kids to be. And I’m definitely still a moron, but I know that blocks away from the Philadelphia zoo, there is a resident who will still be recycling, not because  of any rewards program, but because it’s the right thing to do.

Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in the White House
No escape from reality
Don’t open your eyes
Look up to the skies and see
I’m just a president, I need no sympathy
Because I’m easy come, easy go
A little high, little low
Any way the wind blows, doesn’t really matter to me, to me
Comey, just fired that man
Wrote a letter that I signed
Thought they’d be cheering by this time
Comey, my presidency had just begun
But now they’ve started calling me Nixon
Comey, ooooo
Didn’t mean to stoke these fears
If I’m impeached this time tomorrow
Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters
Too late, his time had come
He was investigating me
And he had almost found the key
Say goodbye, Comey, you had to go
Please leave now so I don’t face the truth!
Comey, oooooo
You should have let it go
I sometimes wish I’d never been president at all

I see a little silhouetto of a man
Sean Spicer, Sean Spicer will you hide from the press corps
Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me
HuffingtonPo, HuffingtonPo,
HuffingtonPo, HuffingtonPo,
HuffingtonPo, Politico – Washington Poooooooost
But I’m just a president and nobody loves me
He’s just a president from a rich family
Spare him his life from this investigation
Easy come easy go will you let it go
Vladimir! No we will not let it go – let it go
Vladimir! We will not let it go – let it go
Vladimir! We will not let it go let it go
Will not let it go let it go (never)
Never let it go let it go
Never let it go ooo
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
Oh Comey Comey Comey Comey Comey Comey let it go
Vladimir has a devil put aside for me
For me
For me
So you think you can stop me and spit in my eye
So you think you can support me then leave me to die
Oh Comey can’t do this to me Comey
Just gotta get him out just gotta get him right outta here
Ooh yeah, ooh yeah
Nothing really matters
Anyone can see
Nothing really matters nothing really matters to me

My mom was cooler than your mom…

Mom loved rock music, British rock to be more specific. The Beatles, Elton John, Radiohead, and Coldplay were her favorites.

When we were kids, Mom would let Kate and I plan vacations, which led to mixed results. One year we ended up at the Lebanon Bologna fest in Amish Country… She must have enjoyed herself somewhat, because for the past 8 years, she was dragging my dad to Kielbasa fest in Upstate PA…

My mom had a wonderful sense of adventure..

When I was 15 years old, mom went to back-to-school night, she came home, and said.. “ya know, they want to send some kids to Europe for two weeks, do you wanna go??! I think it would be a great experience for you to see the world, because it would really open your eyes to different cultures and ideas.”

My mom loved to sing,, she would sing your name if she saw you.. or if she saw her children doing something stupid, she would call them out on it.. Something like, “Katie, if you had a brain, you’d be dangerous”… and Katie is the smart one, so God knows what the hell she was singing about me.

Mom had a very sharp, and precise sense of humor, with a deep side of nostalgia, and wholesomeness.

She preferred Letterman to Leno, because she thought that Letterman was a better interviewer, and Leno was too “mainstream”. And the next day she’d be watching the Andy Griffith show, where Aunt Bea was trying to win the pickle contest @ the town fair. If you haven’t seen it, google it. It’s a classic.

As a family, we drove my sister Kate down to Virginia Tech for the new semester in 2 vehicles.. My parents were in the lead car, and my sister and I were in Kate’s blue Saturn.. We had cb radios in the cars to communicate back and forth with each other.. Kate’s car had a bumper sticker on the back that said “Punk Rock Princess”… A trucker driving behind us, must’ve seen the bumper sticker and pulled up next to us with me in the drivers seat, and says over the cb radio, “Well, boys.. I just seen the ugliest princess ever” and drove on down the road.. My mom gets on the cb from the other car, and says “Thank God for the goatee, huh Chris”

Patty Ann was a great nurse, and she loved her job, her coworkers, and her patients.. Being a great nurse came with some drawbacks though, especially if you were her 13 year old son who hadn’t done his history homework, and was trying to fake a stomach ailment to get out of school. Never worked.

My mom loved Philadelphia sports.. In the mid-70s, she collected and saved everything she could find during the Flyers Stanley cup run.. in 1993, she let us stay up for every postseason Phillies game, and she would never speak the name of Joe Carter in her house.

From 2007 to 2015, she watched almost every Phillies game on TV, and she and my dad went to 3 spring training sessions in Clearwater, and numerous playoff and World Series games. Just this past summer, she brought her Grandson Matthew to his first Phillies game at Yankee Stadium.

Mom loved her friends terribly.. She was so happy when we started to refer to the groups of friends as “the ladies who lunch”. She enjoyed her time having lunch and going shopping for her grandsons, and reminiscing with all of you.

She loved her family. Mom took care of Nanny and Pop-pop.. She took care of her husband.. She took care of her kids, and her grandkids..

She loved all of you, and each one of you brought a smile to her face, and joy to her heart.

In closing, I just want to share a lyric from one of her favorite songs…

Running in circles

Chasing our tails

Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy

Oh, it’s such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be so hard

I’m going back to the start

We love you Mom.

Squandered opportunities are never forgotten, and always regretted. Lou Gehrig seized his from Wally Pipp. Lloyd Dobler grabbed his with the help of Peter Gabriel. Leno stole his from Letterman, and later  from Conan. Chelsea Handler whored her way to opportunity on two different networks. Chris Feild was offered the opportunity to attend the South Jersey Derby Girls scrimmage on August 13th, year of our lord 2012. He acted accordingly.

West Deptford is a sleepy burb of Camden, err Philadelphia. The neighboring town of Deptford brags of their bustling shopping mall, and the glorious Adelphia Diner. The west side offers derby, Roller Derby.

Located on Route 130, next to the Champagne Gentlemens Club, sits the Derby Den. It appears to be an unassuming 1 story office building. The store front features drab brick and mortar where you may or may not be able to purchase vinyl siding or replace your garage door, but, no matter, the real action happens around the back. “…Just a half a mile from the railroad track…” as Arlo Guthrie once penned in his timeless opus, Alice’s Restaurant. The Derby Den is an empty warehouse that  houses a banked wooden oval, painted olive green, and sprinkled with plaster of paris during race nights, to prevent sliding into the barely padded railing. There is no air conditioning. There are 3 garage doors, possibly purchased from the business in the front of the building, that are wide open. There are 4 oscillating fans on the track level that you may have seen at your grandparents house in 1982, that you stare at, praying that once the blades turn in your general direction, an ice cold burst would smack you in the face. It was 94 degrees inside the thunderdome on this particular August evening, and south jersey’s best were in attendance. Over 100 fans were crammed into the den without one dollar spent on marketing. Some would argue that not one dollar was spent on deodorant either. I can only describe the smell as a 3 day old italian hoagie birthing a ripe wheel of feta cheese.

The skating was fast and furious. I have no idea what was going on inside the padded barriers, but it was entertaining. Elbows were flying, a woman got smashed in the face with the railing, and 5 minutes later was up, and about, and skating in the next “jam”… Her competitive name was Twisted Tink.. 10 minutes after her first face smashing experience of the evening, she was dropped once again and almost fell on top of a male spectator not 5 feet from the action. After the 2nd incident, the twisted one, started shouting expletives at her opponents, threatened violence, and was ejected from the scrimmage. She was escorted out by a gentleman who was donning a “Mr. Tink” t-shirt.

The whole show was really an excellent, and enjoyable time. The people watching experience was almost a complete sensory overload. I cannot describe to you who won, or how they won, or why they won, or when they won. The Big Rig Betties and the Turnpike Parolees put on one hell of a match though. And I seized the opportunity that was presented to me.

Dear democrats and republicans,

Please stop. Please stop the superpacs. Please stop the ridiculousness that is superpacs. Please stop. Please stop the ridiculous thought that letting private citizens provide an unlimited donation is the way to go. Just please stop. The job of president pays $400,000 per year plus expenses. Let’s do this, let’s make those running for president, incumbent or non-incumbent dingus, to stay within a budget. We could do a few things as the American people. We could set a limit on what they can spend as a solid number, or if we are feeling not as rigid, we can set a pledge limit to every superpac, or every private citizen. Please just stop. All of us can agree that big money doesn’t make good presidents. God bless America. #feild2016

Welcome in to the 72nd annual Christopher Kendall Feild memorial top 25 albums of the year 2011 style.
The rules: no compilations, no lps, no live albums, no re-issues, and as always, no country!!!

Let the counting backwards commence..

25. Fitz and the tantrums- picking up the pieces
24. Tv on the radio- nine types of light
23. Dale Earnhardt jr jr- it’s a corporate world
22. Death cab for cutie- codes and keys
21. Mike Doughty- yes and also yes
20. Foo Fighters- wasting light
19. Radiohead- the king of limbs
18. Tom Waits- bad as me
17. Man man- life fantastic
16. Ryan Adams- ashes and fire
15. Kanye West and Jay Z- watch the throne
14. Fleet foxes- helplessness blues
13. The black keys- el camino
12. Beastie boys- hot sauce committee part 2
11. Bon Iver- Bon Iver
10. Warren Haynes- man in motion
9. My morning jacket- circuital
8. Foster the people- torches
7. Social Distortion- hard times and nursery rhymes
6. Cults- Cults
5. Charles Bradley- no time for dreaming
4. Arctic Monkeys- suck it and see
3. The Decemberists- the king is dead
2. Adele- 21
1. Dawes- nothing is wrong

It was an excellent year for music, just flat out awesome. Honorable mention includes bright eyes, elbow, clap your hands say yeah, yuck, Paul simon, Wilco, cold war kids, the roots, the cool kids, the war on drugs, the strokes, tender mercies, and childish gambino.

Every one on this list is excellent. All worth downloading either legally or illegally.

In closing for 2011, rest in peace Clarence Clemons.

And it’s all about the lyrics

The ocean is so big

Love always,

Feild

december 8 1999: it was a fine birthday morning, the old people decided that my birthday present would be a stereo system for the hoopty… “the hoopty” in question was the sweetest car ever made.. sweetest!! a 1994 mazda 626, kelly green, with a james dean license plate on the front. i was beyond cool and she was tits magee, flat-out tits magee..
I digress, so as mentioned in previous blogs, i was matriculating, poorly, at east stroudsburg university, home of the warriors.. the closest best buy was in whitehall, pa which is basically allentown-lite.
I head down to the big-box store and pick out a kickass Pioneer head unit and 2 6×9’s and 2 3×5’s… needless to say that the bass is gonna be bumpin’, and the treble is gonna make the bitches cream their pantalones..
So back in 99, i had a real affinity for blink 182, still do as a matter of fact.. they just seem to be right in my wheelhouse of immaturity and sensitivity. Anyhow, The first play on the new system was gonna be dude ranch.. more specifically “dammit”.. so i’m going with the groove, and it turns out that music that you enjoy makes you drive faster… state trooper pulls me over, he’s got one of those big-rimmed fake cowboy hat things on, and he saunters over to the vehicle, “do you know why i pulled you over sir?”.. “yes officer, i was speeding”.. “that is correct sir, i got you going 94 in a 55”.. “holy crap!! sorry officer”.. “i’m going to have to write you a ticket sir”.. “understood”..

4 points and $265 later

“but everybody’s gone, and you’ve been there for too long,  to face this on your own… well i guess this is growing up”

The year, 1999. I’m matriculating, poorly, at East Stroudsburg University. My favorite band ever, Counting Crows, are doing a college tour. Bucknell University is one of their chosen stops. Bucknell is located in a sleepy little town, south of Williamsburg on I-80. I contact my high school chums Ercolani and Campbell about the show. They agree to go. Ercolani has his mom drive him from La Salle to East Stroudsburg. From there the weekend commences.

Previously I had been to Catholic University of America or CUA to see my buddy Crawfooord. CUA is the biggest fake id point on the east coast for prelegal-boozers. They had at the time, a very efficient system, which scored me my NJ fake id. Ercolani and I, with the help of my newfound 21-ness, go to the local distributor and wine and spirits shops by ESU. We picked up two cases of 1857 (lager) for $18.57- a steal anywhere. We proceed to head to the wine and spirits where we pick up a half
gallon of Bankers Club vodka, which we decide to put jolly ranchers in, because as anyone knows, Bankers Club is the bottom of the barrel. With our candy fermenting in our liquor we head to Penn State to pick up Campbell. Pick him up successfully and head back east to begin the festivities.

Ercolani is in the back of the ’94 Mazda 626, assigned with the very important job of drinking ¼ of three 20oz. coke bottles so that we can fill the rest with our candy booze. He does a fine job.

We arrive at Bucknell. See and hear one of the finest supersonic experiences of my life and head back to Penn State to reflect on our 18-year-old glory, Kerouac, Ginsberg and Ken Kesey, the three of us. We are now in Campbell’s dorm room, enjoying a few 1857s, which have been chilling in his micro-fridge for the better part of five hours. All of a sudden, as Campbell has music going on his Gateway laptop- that he was very proud of- “Long December” by the aforementioned Counting Crows pops on the randomized playlist. My favorite song of theirs and my
favorite lyric of all time is included in this song. The lyric being “It’s been so long since I’ve seen the ocean, well I guess I should,” inspires us.

We look at each other like we have never heard those lyrics in that way ever before, and kinda nod and smile. No words were spoken, we grab our jackets and the keys and we head to the Uni-mart. Tap MAC, pick up two packs of Kamel Red Lights and we trek from State College to LBI, because of the inspiration. I’m driving of course, because we all knew it was my idea even though we all nodded simultaneously, plus it was my car.

It’s now 6:42am and we pass Ron Jon Surf Shop, the first sign that you have
reached the island. And we head to beach haven. A family town on the island… I know LBI, I live LBI, but only the south side… the north side is for the Potsys and the Larrys and the rich folk. We park and make the walk to the beach.

 We stand. We sit. We breathe.

It’s a windy morn on LBI and Campbell fashions the mother of all
lugees in his mouth and spits south. Mother Natures reaches down, grabs the lugee and slingshots it northward where it strikes Eroclani on his windbreaker. Laughter ensues.

We decide that it is a sign- that we have done what we set out to do and head back to the LBI Pancake House. I have waffles and bacon, favorite breakfast ever… If they included pineapple I would have cum in my cargo shorts… We eat breakfast and drive the four hours back to State College to drop Campbell off. Ercolani and I drive an additional three hours to get him back to Broad and Olney.

I reach ESU 36 hours after my trek had begun satisfied with the memory of the show, my best buds at the time, waffles, the song that changed my life, and the ocean that I don’t want to get away from.

Mission accomplished.

welcome to the 47th annual christopher k feild memorial top 25 albums of the year, 2010 style.

lemme go over the rules again… no re-releases or greatest hits packages or box sets are applicable… so u will not be seeing springsteen’s “the promise” on the list, however, i honestly believe it is the best collection of songs, rarities, concert footage, and box set material that has ever been assembled.. full disclosure here kids..

no e.p’s… so u will not be seeing Notar on this list either… I saw him twice in concert this summer, and I dunno what it is, but I think he’s got something, and the song “matador” is just great.. it’s just really really great.. but he is also not on the list…

and the final rule, as per usual … i don’t do country

let the counting backwards commence..

25. wake up – john legend & the roots

24. congratulations – mgmt

23. halcyon digest – deerhunter

22. the age of adz – sufjan stevens

21. thank me later – drake

20. the brutalist bricks – ted leo & the pharmacists

19. the monitor – titus andronicus

18. beat the devil’s tattoo – black rebel motorcycle club

17. diamond eyes – the deftones

16. something for the rest of us – goo goo dolls

15. street songs of love – alejandro escovedo

14. grace potter & the nocturnals – grace potter & the nocturnals

13. this is happening – lcd soundsystem

12. the sound of sunshine – michael franti & spearhead

11. plastic beach – gorillaz

10. contra – vampire weekend

9. high violet – the national

8. sigh no more – mumford and sons

7. american slang – gaslight anthem

6. broken bells – broken bells

5. the suburbs – the arcade fire

4. how i got over – the roots

3. heaven is whenever – the hold steady

2. brothers – the black keys

1. transference – spoon

not quite top 25 include  elvis costello, tom petty & the heartbreakers, eminem, and kanye.

and # 26 is definitely – i learned the hard way – sharon jones & the dap kings

may your twenty eleven be filled with crunchy grooves, dance moves, a beat that can’t stop, won’t stop… and non-stop music… go to a concert, or 2, or 100, because i’m convinced that live music can save your soul, or at least rejuvenate your soul…

and my parting shot… ke$ha, and willow smith can go fuck themselves

and remember, it’s all about the lyrics

love,

feild

top 25 albums 00-09

25. neon bible – the arcade fire (#3 2007)
24. wolfgang amadeus phoenix – phoenix (#1 2009)
23. in rainbows – radiohead (#2 2007)
22. magic – bruce springsteen (#1 2007)
21. late registration – kanye west (#3 2005)
20. sam’s town – the killers (#1 2006)
19. hail to the thief – radiohead (#3 2003)
18. elephant – the white stripes (#2 2003)
17. vampire weekend – vampire weekend (#1 2008)
16. the blueprint – jay-z (#4 2001)
15. hard candy – counting crows (#4 2002)
14. amnesiac – radiohead (#3 2001)
13. laugh – keller williams (#3 2002)
12. the beautiful struggle – talib kweli (#2 2004)
11. the marshall mathers lp – eminem (#3 2000)
10. gold – ryan adams (#2 2001)
09. haughty melodic – mike doughty (#2 2005)
08. give up – the postal service (#1 2003)
07. yankee hotel foxtrot – wilco (#2 2002)
06. american idiot – green day (#1 2004)
05. is this it – the strokes (#1 2001)
04. stankonia – outkast (#2 2000)
03. plans – death cab for cutie (#1 2005)
02. the rising – bruce springsteen (#1 2002)
01. kid a – radiohead (#1 2000)

— yes, you are correct, there is no u2 on this list. i like u2, i just don’t like like them. u picking up what i’m putting down??

editor’s note:: if anyone has an extra ticket to any u2 show on the eastern seaboard scheduled for the summer of 2010, and would like to give it to mr. feild, he would gladly accept.

as per usual, all comments, complaints, questions, and recipes are welcome…