Melissa’s Weblog

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Today I am going to a wake. I am going to a wake of someone I have known since childhood. We weren’t close, we weren’t best friends. We just knew each other. And now he’s dead. At 23 years of age, he took too many pills or drugs and killed him self. I am saddened by this, someone’s life is over. They were no younger or older than me, and god knows why they are gone.

After this wake, I am going to a birthday party, kinda bittersweet. Someone who I care about is turning a year older. I should be happy, right? Well, I am. Just with everything that’s been going on lately, and everything on my mind hard to find the good in things lately. Trying though. Going to put on my party hat and party. For a while at least. Work early.

Speaking of work…man did I want to smack someone there today. Enough is enough already with the craziness of my expectations. It’s like nothing is good enough for them, ever. A lot of life decisions need to be made. A lot of things need to be figured out. We shall see. We shall see.

More later

–M

I hurt. So much today. It’s like hitting me like a tidal wave. Everything is melting around me, I just want to sleep. I want to feel peace. I want to be alone. I am holding back tears at work. I hate feeling this way. My mom grew a strawberry. It’s the one shinning moment in my day. A silly little piece of fruit. She went away, I hate when she goes sometimes. I hate when I feel like this and she’s left me. I wish she was here and would hug me, and tell me its ok. I feel so alone now. Serda leaves in 8 days, and I am sad. I am so proud and happy for her, but still sad. Maybe I ll take Patches home for the weekend? Probably not. The girls might eat him. I want my bed. I want to be in my bed, cozy under my blanket where its safe and warm, and hide. Trying to make my self feel numb. It’s not working. My boss blew up not at me but towards me? He was upset and freaking so he threw his walkie talkie at the floor next to me. It was really scary. I don’t like seeing people that way. It reminds me of how I can get.

I am pushing someone away. Again. Just because they found a kinship with someone. My someone. I feel horrible, this person does not deserve to be pushed away. But I am doing it, and it’s so silly. I can feel my self grow colder when they talk to me or come around. I don’t want to be this way.

I wish I could go away. Take a vacation, and just not be me. I hate me. I wish me were better. It’s been one hour since I’ve been at work and time is dragging on. ::pushes the big fast forward button:: Nope, didn’t work. 😦 Was worth a shot. I ll write more later.

–M

So today’s entry will be entitled: I promise…

I promise, to

Not freak out anymore over little things
Think happy thoughts
Not always see the bad
Not panic
Do my video everyday
To be a better friend
To find the good in every situation
Not worry about him all the time
Help him find trust and love again
Let him go, even just a little
Stick to and complete my goals
Save more money and spend less
Be more organized
Clean my room more (and keep it cleaner)
Love my family and friends as best I can
Donate my time to something or someone
Pay my bills on time
Care more about myself first
Eat healthy as much as possible
Not judge people
Not jump to conclusions
Do everything on this list!

These are promises to myself. For myself. To help me be what I think is a better person. I have been really down lately and trying to change that. I hurt. A lot. I hurt because he hurts. I hurt because I don’t see myself as worthy of his love or friendship. Today I tried being happy all day and it worked almost all day. Then I let something silly and small ruin my mood. I hate that. I hate that something so small, so silly, so simple could just ruin my day. I am feeling a slight better now, but still I feel sad and empty inside. I am working very hard to help a friend find love and trust again, and in a way it’s making me have to deal with them too. How can I show a person how to trust or love when I am not sure I can do either of those things? How am I supposed to be a role model, when I feel as empty as this person? This is harder than I thought, teaching. I have been thinking about lot of things lately. This will just have to be one of them. I am glad I made this list. I want to keep to it, I really do, I am scared though that I ll fall off the wagon. Like I do with so many things. I give up. I loose interest. I did it with school…my brain just tells me not to go. I some how logically make that decision. I don’t like feeling like I don’t care. I WANT to care! I do. I don’t know anymore. Lots to think about….

More later

–M

So I hung out with this girl last night that I have never really been fond of. She is a good friend of one of my best friends. I haven’t thought highly of her in the past because well, to me she was a shitty friend my our mutual friend. Really spending time with her last night changed my opinion slightly. She is a very nice person, and very sweet. I can see in her a combo pack of feelings. She is very concerned with helping our friend out in getting a position with their EMT company. While I am very glad for this opportunity for him, I feel like she is doing this for two reasons…a)she wants to help our friend in getting a great position in their company, but also more so b) she wants the person who has the job now to get fired for personal issues. I am sure that either way it doesn’t matter because our friend really wants this job and deserves it. I am vowing to try not to stress over things, much, lol. In the end I am glad knowing that I am more comfortable being in social setting with people who I really don’t know, especially this girl. Things I feel will be a lot better along the uncomfortable lines when our friend wants to go out with her and feels like he cant invite me.

In other news, my Great Aunt (who is 97) is in the hospital she broke her hip. I am very worried, but trying to not stress. She is very old and ready to die. She tells us this all the time, and I am worried that now having to have surgery and therapy to get up and running again she is just going to give up. 😦 Its sad, she is the matriarch of my dad’s family, and its sad to watch someone suffer, especially after just loosing my nana. I am hoping that she doesn’t quite give up the fight and keeps going.

Tonight Jon and Kate is on and I am really excited because I haven’t watched the past few weeks, because I have been going out. I really love this show and it’s so silly but I do lol. For those who don’t know they are real life people who have twin girls, and sextuplets, (3 boys and 3 girls) and their show is a reality show that follows their everyday life. Some days, it’s as simple as we went to the supermarket. (But now imagine you had to take your 8 kids with you.) Noelle and I really love this show and even wrote an email to them because we want to send them things. They have yet to write back, but I am hopeful that they will. 🙂

Just so EVERYONE know’s I am writing this entry at work in an email, because our work computers block most websites. I am really bored so I am taking the time to write a good loooong entry. Monday morning’s are usually quiet. It’s 11 and I have had 12 calls in an hour that last about 2-6 mins each. That’s really not a lot. Most of them were for the WII or for a service question. Our SO fish Patches is really sad looking, someone over fed him, and he’s all lethargic. I’ll have to change his water in the next few days. Okie, I am going to end this entry because I don’t have much else to talk about!!!

More to come

–M

Seriously. Strip clubs + a lot of people smoking up in my face = me coughing ALL night and tasting tabacco in my mouth (*YUCK*) **coughs again** Anyway. I’ve beend doing a LOT of thinking lately. And I decided some things, 1) I want to go to Las Vegas for my 24th Birthday! I am really excited for this trip. I have been wanting to go to Vegas for a while now. My birthday seems like the perfect excuse to go! 2) There are things I can not control in life. Who I love is one of those things. The way I love those people is a part of that. I love my mom, but there are days I def. feel like she does not return the affection. I feel like a constant disapointment to her. I am 23 and what have I accomplished? I don’t have a degree, I quit school, I work at Best Buy full time, but I can not support my self. How could any mother love that? She gets so frustrated over silly little things, I trait I have inherited. One I would like to give back.

I got mad at someone for a dumb reason yesterday. I tend to get mad that this person talks to people. A VERY STUPID thing to be upset about. I see him talking to someone, bonding with someone, and I get mad and jealous. I fear loosing this person, and that act of bonding with someone signals him leaving me. I am very much in love with this person, and it is a love that is not returned. I should correct that, I am very much loved by this person, but not deeply in loved by this person. That is to say he is not in love with me. This recent discovery has forced me to come to grips and realizations that I was not ready to. This person has every right to be in love with whom ever they want. I will be happy for this person, whom ever they decide to love in such a way. But this also bring the unspoken things, things that I am sad to say will not be able to happen any longer. But this is a discussion for him and I to have so I will stop.

My last realization is that STRIP CLUBS are not for me. Maybe if I was drunk, or high, but I don’t really enjoy the naked women dance club. My throat hurts, my head hurts, and I reak of ciggerettes.

On a closing note yesterday was my dad’s 51st birthday. YAY! He is in Tenn. visiting the Jack Daniels Factory. I have no clue what to get him. Maybe I ll take him out to dinner when he comes home. We can eat somewhere he really likes to go, but doesnt get a chance to all the time. Hmmm Maybe I ll take him fishing LOL we used to go fishing on boats all the time when I was little. That might be a nice trip for us to take. We shall see…ok! I need breakfast!!!!!!!

More later

–M

I smell like wine. You had wine tonight. And now I smell like it. I wish things were better, I wish things were different. I wish Serda wasnt leaving, I am going to miss her, a lot. I wish she knew that. I feel like we need a “friendasance” lol. There are things I wish I could tell her, I want to, that are not my choice or place to do so. It would explain my mood, my behavior – which I feel needs to be explained.

My room is a mess, I feel like my room is a reflection of me, I am a mess, so there for my room is a mess. That’s why my it was so messy in my childhood maybe, because I was a mess. (Just read Serda’s blog, and I swear she is channeling Carrie Bradshaw…lol) I feel like chaos has taken over my life again, it sucks, because well… I finally had my life on some sort of track. Its way off course – an old course – and I am not sure how to get back on the bandwagon.

I hate feeling this way, I wish there was a button to just fix things, like the Staples button lol. **push button** POOF everythings, better.

I need to sleep. Meeting at 7 am!

More later

–M

I went to go see Iron Man again last night. I am really liking this movie. I usually dont LOVE the comic movies, but this one I really really like. Scott liked it too which makes me glad. He had been really wanting to see it.

LOST is on again. The first season. It’s proving my theory that Jack’s dad is the grim reaper of the island. lol Makes me really happy. Poor Jack, didn’t want to be the leader and got stuck doing it.

I really wanna redo my room. Not sure how or why yet but just want a change. New sheets maybe or new pictures on the wall. I really want a new TV. A flat screen, but right now I have a good 24 or so inch tv and I would want the same size. Maybe with the refund check I ll buy it, and sell my old one. It’s a good TV. I am gonna need to put up more shelves or move things around, I am running out of DVD space. Storage is a big issue with my room. There is not enough space. ((AHH it’s Jack’s DAD!!!)) lol Maybe this will be a good project for me storage and organize my room. I am looking around trying to figure out what I could do or where I could put things. Hmmm I need to get rid of my book shelf thing and put my books in new storage. I want to get rid of a dresser but to do that I need to condense 3 into 2. This would be a BIG project.

Off to think of ways to make my room bigger…

more later

–M

I am watching the first season of LOST. It’s just so funny to watch it again after all this time. It got me thinking of where I was first time I saw these episodes, a year ago. I was layed up in bed…on bed rest. I had just gotten in the worst car accident of my life, first time I had ever been rushed to the hospital. Scary day. Here I am a year later, and so many things, they have changed. Nana is gone. Serda’s leaving for her European adventure. Scott’s in ambulance. And I am rewatching a season of LOST. I need, to live.

A person I know recently lost faith in love, and friendship. I am trying to help them find it again. It’s a hard thing to show and to prove, to relearn. It’s silly but this show reminds me of that. These people are stuck on an island. No one knows they are alive, or there. But yet there on this island, they find love, friendship and hope. They live with what life gave them. They survive. How do I teach this to someone? How do I capture, this in words or actions? I wish I knew. I am doing everything I can think of to teach this so my friend can relearn. I hope it works. This person has told me they are scared of loosing their friend, I am scared of loosing mine if they dont come out of this ok.

I am off to bed.

More to come

–M

Yesterday was a very hard day. It was scary and long. I am numb from it. 3 years of things left unsaid, unspoken came out in one big mess. I was hurt and I hurt someone. And yet when the dust clears and all that’s left is ruins, I will rebuild. We will rebuild. And from the ashes will rise a great new life, full of stronger bonds, that will be much harder to break. I am going to have a lot of time to think about everything today. I hope that the other’s who survived – who will survive – think about things too. I hope we remember the good times, the truths told, that the good always out weighs the bad. I hope they can see that rebuilding is best thing to do. That all sins can be forgiven on both sides, and that things said needed to be, that we learn from our mistakes. MISTAKES being the word to focus on. This is a place for me to vent, that’s why I started a blog. To write out my feelings, to confess my sins, this is my public place to explain how i feel. This is how I feel. I hope that we can continue to rebuild…I know I want to.