the small of her back (clipped to polyvore.com)
Dilema
Have you ever just felt completely and totally compliant? My life has taken that turn. It’s not that I dislike my job per say it’s that I feel like I am going to become comfortable with my life and I am going to wake up one morning when I am in my thirties and realize that I have done nothing with my life, that I became comfortable and compliant and that is definitely NOT what I want. I want to travel and I want to do it all. I want to be this amazing person that people respect and look up to. I want to make a speech to a graduating class from my alma mater. I want to make a difference. I want to be that ripple in someone else’s life that makes them wake up and say “That is the type of person that I want to be.” One day I want to make waves. Waves that crash into the shore and change the surface. There are so many things that I want to do and I just can’t pick one. Actually, I know what I want to do with my life. I want to write. To captivate readers and make them want to keep turning the pages and not be able to put the book down. But it seems like every time I start to write I get bored with it and stop. I can’t seem to keep myself occupied with it. It either goes in a different way than I want it to or it begins to drag and I can’t seem to make it keep the pace I need it to.
All I ever do is talk about what I want to do and not what I am doing. I guess that should be my wake up call to get off my ass and do.
High Shelf
Take me down off my high shelf
Break me down into something else
Destroy the illusions and break me free
Take me back to where I’m meant to be
Because I’ve been looking for some one like you
To help me with what I’ve got to do
And in the end nothing else matters
As lond as there is beauty from this disaster
I had lost hope and didn’t know where to turn
And then you came and showed what I’ve earned
Because I’ve been so lonely here on my high shelf
Wishing and believing In something else
You’ve changed my life and saved my soul
You’ve earased all the bad days that had began to take it’s toll
And I am so grateful and I never want us to part
You’ve began to heal my tattered lonely heart
Love Again
So maybe one of these days I’ll find you
I’ll realise that it wasn’t all in vain
That my broken heart’s still beating
I’ll learn to love again
But until that day comes
And you sweep me off my feet
Is it okay that I’ll cry a river deep
I never thought that heart break and love went hand in hand
Love was heart break’s lover and it was all a plan
Ment to break a person’s sanity
And take away the pain
Maybe one day you’ll find me
And I’ll realize it wasn’t all in vain
That my broken heart’s still beating
And I’m learning to love again
And when the day comes I hope that I’m ready
And I hope that you’ll be able to stay with me
I want you to never let go
And maybe then I’ll realize that you’re exactly what I thought of
When I pictured a perfect match it never did come true
And that’s why I’m glad I never pictured you.
Finnally you’ve found me
And I know it wasn’t all in vain
This once broken heart’s still beating
I’ve fell in love again
Library crushes
So I do believe that I have a crush on one of the guys that works at the library. Haha, kind of typical right? I’ve read about things like this so many times. A girl has a crush on the barista of the Coffeeshop she frequents another has a crush on the guy at the music store and even another has a crush on the one at the book store. They end up as they always do in such books either discovering they are not the person they thought they were or they have a great adventure and they fall in love. I have always loved books like this and I am a true romantic at heart so it makes since then that I would start to develop a crush on this quirky boy. I don’t even know his name and I’ve only spoken to him a couple of times but I guess I’m just a sucker for these types of things, the unkown and almost unattainable.
Just because it’s part of your past it shouldn’t define your future.
I have to admit I am not the best person. I have done a lot of underhanded and dishonest things in my past. Many of these things still make it hard to move forward and get over my faults. I have been a back stabber a liar and a thief. I am not proud of the things I have done and am ashamed of many of them. In my heart of hearts I always new that I was in the wrong but temptation presented its self and I took the opportunity. I no longer take advantage of people and I try my best to trust others and it sometimes makes me appear to be naive. Many of the people that I work with see me as a push over, I guess. But it’s my way of making up for the bad things I have done. Life has this funny way of making you pay for all your wrongs. Like right now I am in some serious debt and live in a house that should probably be condemned. I don’t much care for my job and I am trapped here by family and money issues. I do at times hate my circumstances but then I remember that one day this will also be my past.
The Orphanage Dream
I had another strange dream last night. Well this one was more or less a nightmare. I can only remember bits and pieces of it but the pieces of it that I do remember seem to terrify me.
For some reason or another I was a tutor in an orphanage overseas. It appeared to be Romania or Russia. One of my family members had died and left me a fortune. I had been discussing it with another of the faculty there and had said something of splitting the money among the orphans. One of them was apparently my favorite and his name was Tachibanna. I don’t know why this little Russian boy had a Japanese name. There was another of the boys, Devon, that was a trouble maker but no one had ever thought too much about it, it was after all an orphanage and these children were sure to be a little troubled. Most of the children had little to no memories of their families. Except for Devon. He had just recently lost his family, two brothers, a sister, and his parents. I don’t remember the circumstances surrounding his loss. I remember leaving the faculty room and seeing a child run around the corner. I never gave it a second thought. I went to see Tachibanna, who was probably around 9 or 10, to discuss my adopting him. We talked for a bit and I left the room and ran into Devon. He made some smart remark and I scolded him. He made a comment about my new fortune. I stopped mid scold. He turned and ran away into the room that he and Tachibanna shared. I don’t remember a bit of what happened next. The only other thing I remember was Devon calling me into his room. I walked in and I could feel the blood drain from my face. Tachibanna lay on his bed. Devon stood proudly beside it. Blood covered his clothes and face. When he smiled his teeth gleamed red. Only then did I realize that Tachibanna looked as if he had been half devoured by some beast.
Devon’s eyes glowed as he asked, “Now this means that there’s more money for me right?”
This dream happened in segments. I remember waking up in between them and not wanting to go back to sleep. Fighting it as my eyes closed. I was terrified. I don’t know if there is some weird meaning behind it all, although I do know that both Tachibanna and Devon looked strangely familiar, like this wasn’t the first time I had seen them. Just the sight of Devon seemed to frighten me.
You Don’t Need Them
Not my best poem ever but here goes
You Don’t Need Them
Fake your smile and force that laugh
Keep putting on your make up to cover those dark circles
Fight back those tears and swallow what you were about to say
Style your hair to hide where you have been tugging at it out of frustration
They’ll never know
They’ll never be able to tell
They won’t pay attention to your dull lifeless eyes
Or the way they have turned bloodshot from those tears and those sleepless nights
So pop that pill that makes you feel nothing
Find your blade that creates those scars
Live your life screaming on the inside
They won’t notice
They won’t care
Never let them see how much you’re hurting inside
Never let them find your short comings
Fight the urge to ask for help
Destroy your possibilities
They won’t see
They wont realize until its to late
Pop that pill
Find your blade
Scream on the inside
Cry your eyes out at night
Maybe you’ll realize before it’s too late
You don’t need them to care
You don’t need them to notice
You don’t need them
You are perfect
You are amazing
You can live your life
You don’t deserve to cry or have those sleepless nights
You matter and you deserve to live a life of love
Because you are perfect in everyway
College and Experince
College is the next big thing nowadays. It just seems like when you’re a teenager and a twenty something that’s all you hear about. What are you going to do when you grow up? What school are you going to? What are you going to major in? Never mind that my generation is the most educated generation to date and yet we are going to have the hardest time finding decent paying jobs. Everyone wants experience to go with that college diploma, but if they want experience how the hell do they expect you to have it if no one wants to hire you without it?
And what if by some chance you decide that you don’t want to go to college? What options do you have then? Even the manual labor jobs and management jobs in retail wants you to have a college or trade school diploma and once again experience.
This is one of those really embarrassing things that you don’t really want to tell people but I feel that if I do it will provoke me to do something about it. My GPA is a 1.38. I really screwed up my last two semesters in school and I am not allowed to have Financial Aid again until I file an apeal. I feel like a failure most of the time and I hate it. Why? Because I can’t go to college. Society has drilled these things into our minds. Anything worth something is only possible if you go to college.
I’m not by any means saying that college is a bad thing. Because there is nothing wrong with Higher learning and I do want to go back and finish my education. But what about those that don’t want to go? Do their parents think they are failures? Do their friends think they are stupid? Do their bosses think they are worthless? Maybe instead of pushing people to go to college and requiring them to have that experience before they enter the work force maybe we should push them to do what would make them happy and not belittle them for it. If someone loves working in fast food or retail we shouldn’t think any less of them or treat them like they are stupid. Life isn’t about who has the biggest house or the most money. It’s about who is happier in life. Who is surrounded themselves with love and who enjoys going to work everyday. Because really who wants that big fat paycheck if you don’t enjoy your job or have someone to share the wealth with.
Welcome to the 2wenties 