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So from a year in Florida (and Alabama) I have solidly landed in North Carolina, where I hope to stay for quite some time.  I got a job working with late teen/young adult girls, teaching independence.  So far, so good!  I’ve only barely started though.  On the 15th is my first full shift!

I am also starting to think about setting up a spice shop again.  Thanks to a good friend of mine, the first start will be a blog – so be on the lookout for a spice blog!  If you have any ideas for names – which will also be the name of my store, let me know! 

A few days ago at work we told a resident that we would start holding her accountable for her decisions for the last two months of her stay.  She requested to leave instead, which is a poor decision for her.  It’s hard to know where that line is – you need to let them go, because you can’t be enabling, which is almost worse.  On the other hand, she has no skills to really be on her own, and she has zero street smarts; she moved into homelessness, not housing (she’s staying with “friends”).  Her being out there in the real world and learning harsh lessons is a good one, however, I only wish there would be someone to help once she’s hit rock bottom.  I’m just not sure there will be.

Painted toenails

Castle

A dress

Elysian’s Jasmine IPA

Flowers in my hair

A good house party

Hammocks

Easter at Mountain Community Mennonite Church

Playing bodhran with a great fiddle or pipes

A really great dream

A movie

My family

Ponderosa Pines and Aspens

A great book

A fantastic music festival

Hymn sings

My favorite hat back

A good hoodie

Tidepools

Windmills

There is a difference between us Outward Bound instructors and Don Quixote.  Don Quixote rode against windmills believing they were giants, but we ride against windmills knowing that they are windmills but doing it all the same because we think that there ought to be someone in this materialistic world who rides against windmills.

~with appologies to Bernard Fall

The Day is Done

The day is done, and the darkness
Falls from the wings of Night,
As a feather is wafted downward
From an eagle in his flight.

I see the lights of the village
Gleam through the rain and the mist,
And a feeling of sadness comes o’er me
That my soul cannot resist:

A feeling of sadness and longing,
That is not akin to pain,
And resembles sorrow only
As the mist resembles the rain.

Come, read to me some poem,
Some simple and heartfelt lay,
That shall soothe this restless feeling,
And banish the thoughts of day.

Not from the grand old masters,
Not from the bards sublime,
Whose distant footsteps echo
Through the corridors of Time.

For, like strains of martial music,
Their mighty thoughts suggest
Life’s endless toil and endeavor;
And to-night I long for rest.

Read from some humbler poet,
Whose songs gushed from his heart,
As showers from the clouds of summer,
Or tears from the eyelids start;

Who, through long days of labor,
And nights devoid of ease,
Still heard in his soul the music
Of wonderful melodies.

Such songs have power to quiet
The restless pulse of care,
And come like the benediction
That follows after prayer.

Then read from the treasured volume
The poem of thy choice,
And lend to the rhyme of the poet
The beauty of thy voice.

And the night shall be filled with music
And the cares, that infest the day,
Shall fold their tents, like the Arabs,
And as silently steal away.

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I’ve been away from Seattle for 37 days – the longest since I moved there – and I’m starting to get a little homesick.  Aside from friends, of course, here’s what I miss:

1) seeing the olympics and the cascades every morning (you know, when it’s not raining)
2) my garden
3) Brower’s, my favorite bar with over 50 taps; Cafe Allegro off the Ave; Cal Anderson park; Volunteer Park; Tuogo, the coffee shop across from work, and Brian, the owner I’d go chat with when I needed a break; Bauhaus Books, where I’d meet my friend for coffee on Fridays when he came in from Vancouver;
4) the prevalence of vegetarian meal options
5) tattooed and pierced and hair-dyed people
6) all the live music, everywhere, all the time, every night
7) playing music with my bands and at sessions
8) really good microbrews
9) perfect Seattle summers
10) casual professional clothes
11) really good radio stations

As much as I miss those signature Northwest comforts, I am enjoying being in the Southeast, for these reasons:

1) People in bars and coffee shops actually talk to strangers – gasp!
2) Catfish, gumbo creole shrimp
3) I am warm – all the time – every day – every night
4) When it rains, it RAINS, in all its glory and splendor
5) People are super friendly, and stop to chat on the street
6) Sunshine, every single day! I am tan again.
7) Being exhausted every night b/c I worked hard all day

I still miss my radio stations

That’s the text a few friends received on April 1, hours after I’d finished my last day at work.

After two or three weeks of high stress, my last day of work had finally come.  I worked really hard all day on some last-minute tasks, packed up my office and moved everything into my car.  It was pouring – actually raining real rain for a change, instead of the wimpy precipitation we normally get up here in the Pacific Northwest.  Anyway, hugs and goodbyes and I’m on the road to Oregon, where my family is visiting from out of town.  I was still stressed out, and the rain was making it worse, although people were driving really well, for a nice change.  Anyway, 45 mins. down the road I discovered that I wasn’t accelerating, so I pulled over and stopped in the shoulder.  I looked to my right, and there was a Honda dealership.  I decided that if I could just make it over there, I’d be ok.  I got there, and it was actually a motorcycle dealer, and they were closed.  There was still someone there, however, and they pointed me down the road to the car dealership.  When I got there, the service center was closed, but the dealership was still open, mainly b/c a couple was buying a car.  The dealer was really nice, and everyone there was really helpful in walking me through what to do next.  I was trying to decide how to get up to the airport to rent a car and get to my family.  Since the dealer was helping both me and the couple, they (we’ll call them Melissa and Jane), decided that they really wanted to take a road trip w/ they’re shiny almost-new $40K car, so they offered to drive me to Oregon.  And then I decided to let them.  I was amazed.  They were so so nice, and when we got there at 1:30am, they turned around and drove back.

I started to feel better as soon as they offered me a ride.  It felt good to let someone else take the lead and help me out, and trust that it was all going to be ok.  I felt more like myself after that, just letting life happen and not having to be in control of it all.  Sometimes I forget to let go, when things are beyond my control, and then I get tense.  I hope I keep remembering to do that this summer.  The rest of my life too, but we’ll take it a few months at a time 🙂  I feel like things are working out well, I just have to let go and let them.

Leaving

So.  I have been completely absent from this blog in many months (cue another “I’m sorry for not posting more” post).  Here’s what happened.

I started this blog as a way to help process my thoughts on working in social services, as well as tell stories for those of you who wanted to hear them.  Sometimes it’s easier to talk about by writing instead of speaking.  However, I started the inevitable and imperceptible decline into burnout, something that happens to other people, but not me, right?  🙂  I stopped writing, because nothing was shocking me anymore, and I wasn’t being challenged.  I had definitely stopped taking care of my mental health.  I’d become apathetic, and by last fall, the worst had happened: I stopped caring about my residents’ problems altogether.  I’d mentally quit doing my job and was doing the minimum possible to keep a paycheck.  Not good for anyone.  Then I started getting migraines from stress, and staring at the computer all day triggered them and made it harder to do the job I didn’t want to do anyway.

I’d started talking w/ a life coach, and in so doing realized what I actually have to offer the world.  I’ve always wanted to do things like be a wilderness guide, work w/ at-risk kids on a ranch, or something.  There are actually lots of things I’ve wanted to do, but I’ve discovered that I’m just not a 9-5 kind of a girl.

So, finding it hard to apply for jobs and work full-time and have a busy social life, I quit my job a few weeks ago, with no job lined up and intending to live on my savings for a few months.  (An hour after my last day of work, my transmission went out, but that’s another story.)  About 10 days later I found out I was accepted to participate in New Staff Training for an internship w/ Outward Bound’s at-risk youth program!  I am soooooooooooo excited, and kind of amazed that it worked out.  Hopefully by the end of the internship they’ll hire me to be an instructor, or I’ll decide to seek employment elsewhere.  But I’ll figure that out later 🙂

I’m getting my open water SCUBA certification right now, making plans to leave Seattle, and preparing for a cross-country road trip w/ a friend.  This last week, friends have commented that I look much happier, and less scared and tired, and I’m feeling really good 🙂  I’m very excited to be mentally, emotionally and physically challenged, and to learn a great deal about many different things.  It’ll be really good 🙂

It’s 1am at the shelter, and I’ve never been here this late.  It’s quiet, and I’m melancholy, preparing myself for the deep night that I rarely see anymore.  I’m sitting at my old desk, with my old computer, and I just noticed that my handwriting is still on the chore board, from a year ago.  Suddenly I’m noticing my fingerprints all over the shelter – the security bars I installed on the windows four years ago, the social services map I made, pictures I colored with crayon and rubber stamps (I know, but we’ve got kids, it’s what’s available!).

Everyone who’s ever been in this shelter leaves a little bit of themselves inside it.  This building is old, with lots of history and mystery.  It’s almost like the building itself collects little bits of people.  This space is pregnant with stories just waiting to be remembered, and there’s always room for more.  It has a feeling of forever.

Not only do people leave pieces of their spirit behind, but the shelter leaves its mark on people too.  Also in a forever-kind of way.  Walking these halls, waves of memories come flooding back to me.  This shelter had such an effect on my life, and totally forked my life in an unexpected direction.  I highly doubt I’ll ever find another place quite like this one.

This is my last day of employment in Seattle – ending at the shelter I started at.  I like the symmetry of it, and I like the reminder of my first two years here, where everything was totally new and different.  It’s a good note to end on.

I am still trying to find the words to adequately express my anger towards the nerve sparing (aka female genital mutilation) practiced at Cornell University by Dr. Dix Poppas and his follow-up appointments with his child patients, brought to my attention by Dan Savage’s article I posted in my last post To quote meloukhia, I think “What the everloving fuck” is appropriate.  In fact, I have never read so many comments on medical practices using the word “fuck.”  I have also never read so many angry and united comments, either.

All evening I’ve been searching for articles about this – so far all of them, save the original journal article, in the Journal of Urology have been blogs and editorials.  And it sounds like everyone’s response is the same: initial denial, shock, horror, anger, and a complete lack of words to express all those feelings.  So much of this upsets me, but two primary points especially make me mad:  one, that female genital mutilation is being practiced in New York, at Weill Cornell Medical College; and two, THIS DOCTOR IS USING A VIBRATOR ON A CHILD’S CLITORIS AND ASKING HER HOW STRONG THE SENSATION IS WHILE THE PARENT CONSENTS.  Not Ok!

The practice Dr. Poppas is using is called “nerve sparing,” which is cutting away pieces of the clitoral shaft while leaving the glans.  The University of Hawaii published The Management of Intersexuality: guidelines for dealing with individuals with ambiguous genitalia, which recommends this:

Perform no major surgery for cosmetic reasons alone; only for conditions related to physical/medical health. This will entail a great deal of explanation needed for the parents who will want their children to “look normal.” Explain to them that appearances during childhood, while not typical of other children, may be of less importance than functionality and post pubertal erotic sensitivity of the genitalia. Surgery can potentially impair sexual/erotic function. Therefore such surgery, which includes all clitoral surgery and any sex reassignment, should typically wait until puberty or after when the patient is able to give truly informed consent.

In North America, when thinking of the term “female genital mutilation” it conjures lots of images but none of them are of a medical college at a highly respected educational institution in New York.  Female genital mutilation (female circumcision), (even male circumcision), has always been a reflection of the society in which it’s practiced.  Finding this practiced in my own country is a problem, and it absolutely is a reflection on our society’s accepted standards of “normal” sexuality.  Replacing the practice with culturally acceptable substitutes is always important to support and advocate for.  In our case, we have sacrificed sexual and psychological health for our definitions of “female” and “male,” and our idealized vision for how genitalia should and shouldn’t be.  Not to mention sexism, heterosexism and homophilia.  Nature’s variations are there for a reason.  At this point in our society’s journey we still insist on social distinctions between male and female, and nerve sparring is a reflection of that social value.  Be that as it may, let’s not let our desire for Sameness overcome patient’s choice and health.

As much as I am angered that this practice is happening, I am beyond furious at the follow-up appointments.  Alice Dreger and Ellen K. Feder report in their article “Bad Vibrations” posted on Bioethics Forum:

Here more specifically is, apparently, what is happening: At annual visits after the surgery, while a parent watches, Poppas touches the daughter’s surgically shortened clitoris with a cotton-tip applicator and/or with a “vibratory device,” and the girl is asked to report to Poppas how strongly she feels him touching her clitoris. Using the vibrator, he also touches her on her inner thigh, her labia minora, and the introitus of her vagina, asking her to report, on a scale of 0 (no sensation) to 5 (maximum), how strongly she feels the touch. Yang, Felsen, and Poppas also report a “capillary perfusion testing,” which means a physician or nurse pushes a finger nail on the girl’s clitoris to see if the blood goes away and comes back, a sign of healthy tissue. Poppas has indicated in this article and elsewhere that ideally he seeks to conduct annual exams with these girls. He intends to chart the development of their sexual sensation over time.

Using a vibrator on a child in a doctor’s office with parental consent. I can’t get over that.  There is nothing about the above quote that doesn’t scream sexual abuse and malpractice.  As a child, sexual stimulation by a trusted physician with trusted parental consent can create major and lasting psychological trauma.  I’m sure these parents are trying to do what’s best for their child.  I am worried that they were led to believe that this is the best practice.  I am worried about the sanctioning of this research by the IRB (ethics oversight committee), and I am worried as to whether the IRB was even made aware of these follow-up visits.

A trusted physician used a vibrator to sexually stimulate a child in the presence of a family member. AND he intends to do this as the children grow older.

Dr. Dix Poppas is Professor and Chief of Pediatric Urology at Weill Cornell Medical College.

I am heartened by the fact that every article and comment I have read regarding this is furious and angered by this research.  I find it very difficult to box up my anger and put it in nice neat researched words; I want to cry and yell and camp outside this physician’s door and any one else’s door who could bring this to a stop.  For now, though, I might have to settle for sending an angry email to Weill Cornell Medical College.  Please do the same, and direct everyone you know to the Bioethics article.

This is an article published in The Stranger, Seattle’s independent and free newspaper, written by Dan Savage (the abstract/full article of the original study posted on the Journal of Urology can be seen here):

Female Genital Mutilation at Cornell University
Posted by Dan Savage on Wed, Jun 16, 2010 at 7:15 PM

While the whole world was debating the American Academy of Pediatrics’ position on “female genital cutting”—the AAP was against it before they were for it, and now, after an outcry, they’re against it again—Alice Dreger and Ellen Feder have been raising the alarm about “medical research” currently being conducted at Cornell University. A pediatric urologist at Cornell—Dix Poppas—has been operating on little girls with what he judges to be oversized clitorises, cutting away important clitoral tissues, and then stitching the glans to what remains of the shaft. Poppas claims that, unlike past clitoral-reduction procedures, his procedure is “nerve sparing.”

First big problem: “nerve-sparing” surgeries don’t always work. And the chunks of these girls’ clitorises that the doctor is cutting away—large pieces of their clitoral shafts—may be just as important as the clitoral glans. Dreger:

To shorten these clitorises, Poppas is saving the glans (tip) but cutting out parts of the shaft. Bo Laurent has pointed out that Masters and Johnsons showed that many women masturbate by rubbing the shafts of their clitorises. (Think about it: the clit is the homologue of the penis. How do men masturbate?) Many women seem to find their clitoral glans almost too sensitive. Poppas’s patients are loosing the option of touching parts of their shafts, because he’s throwing them out (after the cut-away parts have been sent to pathology to see if he accidentally took out a nerve).

There’s lots to be outraged about here: there’s nothing wrong with these girls and their healthy, functional-if-larger-than-average clitorises; there’s no need to operate on these girls; and surgically altering a girl’s clitoris because it’s “too big” has been found to do lasting physical and psychological harm. But what’s most outrageous is how Poppas is “proving” that his surgery “spares nerves.” Dreger and Feder:

But we are not writing today to again bring attention to the surgeries themselves. Rather, we are writing to express our shock and concern over the follow-up examination techniques described in the 2007 article by Yang, Felsen, and Poppas. Indeed, when a colleague first alerted us to these follow-up exams—which involve Poppas stimulating the girls’ clitorises with vibrators while the girls, aged six and older, are conscious—we were so stunned that we did not believe it until we looked up his publications ourselves.

Here more specifically is, apparently, what is happening: At annual visits after the surgery, while a parent watches, Poppas touches the daughter’s surgically shortened clitoris with a cotton-tip applicator and/or with a “vibratory device,” and the girl is asked to report to Poppas how strongly she feels him touching her clitoris. Using the vibrator, he also touches her on her inner thigh, her labia minora, and the introitus of her vagina, asking her to report, on a scale of 0 (no sensation) to 5 (maximum), how strongly she feels the touch…. Poppas has indicated in this article and elsewhere that ideally he seeks to conduct annual exams with these girls….

Although we have tried, we have been unable to locate any other pediatric urologist who uses these techniques. Indeed, we doubt many would, because we think most would—as we do—find this technique to be impossible to justify as being in these girls’ best interests. We understand that these tests might produce generalized knowledge that shows whether Poppas’s techniques are better than some other surgeons’, but it isn’t clear to us how this kind of genital touching post-operatively is in individual patients’ best interests. If the testing shows a girl has lost sensation through the surgery, her lost clitoral tissue cannot be put back. However, the tests would seem to expose the girls to significant risk of psychological harm.

In the course of our inquiries, made in preparation for this publication, nearly all clinicians to whom we described Poppas’s “clitoral sensory testing and vibratory sensory testing” practices thought them so outrageous that they told us we must have the facts wrong. When we showed them the 2007 article, their disbelief ceased, but they then seemed to become as agitated as we were. At an international conference two weeks ago, when Dreger told Ken Zucker, a psychologist at the Hospital for Sick Children in Toronto and member of the clinical establishment, about this, Zucker said that we could quote him as saying this: “Applying a vibrator to a six-year-old girl’s surgically feminized clitoris is developmentally inappropriate.” We couldn’t find a clinician who disagreed with Zucker.

Yang, Felsen, and Poppas describe the girls “sensory tested” as being older than five. They are, therefore, old enough to remember being asked to lie back, be touched with the vibrator, and report on whether they can still feel sensation. They may also be able to remember their emotions and the physical sensations they experienced. Their parents’ participation may also figure in these memories. We think therefore that most reasonable people will agree with Zucker that Poppas’s techniques are “developmentally inappropriate.”

The 2007 article documenting Poppas’s research is here.

Now more from Dreger’s post at Psychology Today:

So why the heck do Poppas and other surgeons do these surgeries? They believe it is necessary to ensure “normal” sexual development…. Many of us happen to think “normal” sexual development is actually likely to be thwarted by having parts of your genitals taken away without your consent, and thwarted by follow-up exams like the ones we are describing. Ellen and I have gotten to know hundreds of adults born with sex anomalies who went through these medical scenes growing up. Many have told us that the genital displays involved in the follow-up exams were more traumatic than any other part of the experience. Indeed, when I once asked a group of women with androgen insensitivity syndrome what they wanted me to work on primarily in my advocacy work, they said stopping the exams, particularly those in which med students, residents, and fellows parade through to check out the surgeon’s handiwork.

There’s so much to be angry about I hardly know where to start. Applying a vibrator a girl’s clitoris after it’s been surgically shortened may demonstrate that she still has “sensation” in what’s been left behind—that she still has a few nerve endings that function—but that’s not proof that she hasn’t been physically or emotionally harmed by the surgery and those traumatic follow-up “procedures.” These post-op visits with the doctor and his vibrator do the girls no good—what can the doctor do if a girl reports no sensation? reassemble her clit?—and retaining sensation isn’t proof that these girls will grow up to be healthy, sexually functional adults. All of the tissues that make up the clitoris—the glans, the stem, the erectile tissues—are important to sexual response, orgasm, and fulfillment, not just the part of the clitoris that’s “normally” exposed.

There’s another disturbing reason this surgery is being performed: girls with large clitorises are more likely to identify as lesbians when they grow up. Needless to say (or maybe not-so-needless): carving up a girl’s clitoris does nothing to change the underlying hormonal and genetic factors that contribute to lesbian orientation and identity. Big clits don’t make lesbians—lesbians sometimes make big clits. These surgeries are partly motivated by out-and-out homophobia, by the belief that “fixing” a large clit somehow prevents lesbianism. (Larger penises correlate positively with gayness in males but no one is out there shortening boys’ penises.)

Please go and read Dreger and Feder’s piece—“Bad Vibrations”—at the Bioethics Forum. And read Dreger’s post at her own blog.

And if you’re reading this and you’re a student at Cornell: female genital mutilation is being practiced on your campus. What are you going to do about it?

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