November 29, 2023 | 5:37PM

And now it’s funny to read my last post because little did I know I’d be having a baby today! The timing couldn’t have been more perfect. I had been up a few times in the night going to use the bathroom of course in late pregnancy which is never comfortable. I did fall asleep at some point and woke up around 6:15ish. I was laying in bed pretty comfortably when I felt a sharp kick to my lower left side! It kind of felt like a kick and a pop. My first thought was oh no baby is breech which is why she was able to kick in that corner. Then suddenly a big gush of water came out. I always wondered if I would know that my water had broken but in this case it was quite undeniable. E was laying in bed but I think a bit awake since Charlotte had started crying a bit from her room. I told him, “I think my water broke,” as I gushed over to the bathroom leaving a trail behind me and all over the potty closet floor. It was SO much. No contractions yet at this point I was just so shocked that it happened this way because with Charlotte I had gotten contractions first and then they broke my water at the hospital when I was more dilated. My bag was basically packed but for some reason since I had already held out for so long without the cerclage I thought I might go even longer maybe even to my due date. Although tbh as selfish as this sounds I was so ready to have this baby! Each day was getting quite a bit more uncomfortable especially yesterday. Every time baby kicked or moved it really hurt and would cause some sort of contraction. So we finished packing my bag, said good morning and goodbye to Charlotte and headed out! My dad had been staying the night since we knew baby could come any day now. We also called my sis and she came over right away to help! The reason the timing was perfect was also because today was the day we plan to have the cerclage removed. Because of this E already had the day off. Plus since my water broke first thing in the morning we had a nice long full nights rest before going into the hospital where we probably won’t be getting the best sleep! In fact, we might be pulling two all nighters in a row 🤷🏻‍♀️ it just seems like they were so many little things that lined up that made this really work. Like E deciding to fill the car with gas yesterday as opposed to trying to get it today at the last minute. Another nice thing is that if we stay the two days here at the hospital, then I would literally be bringing home the baby home on my birthday ❤ I would say the only downside about all this is that unfortunately, my mother got sick and had been running a fever for almost 48 or so hours since Sunday. We’re pretty sure that she got it from Charlotte since she brought home some kind of illness from the daycare. At this point our goal is to keep Charlotte out of daycare for at least a month since we’re in the midst of the sick season. Because my mum was sick, she was unable to be here at the hospital with us and couldn’t see the birth of the baby. This morning as we were driving out and letting her know that we were going to the hospital she apologized and said she really wish she could be there. I feel so bad I wish she could’ve been there too! 

When we arrived to the hospital, I checked in, and it felt like it took forever before I got the epidural. My contractions were getting stronger and stronger and practically unbearable. This time was also a little different because I was with the obgyn team as opposed to the midwives. Both experiences were good, but I would say that I had a really good experience with the midwives the first time because I had seen many of them at previous appointments who ended up helping me that day as opposed to meeting a new team of people like I did today. Everyone was very nice and super helpful though! Of course, since I’m comparing a lot to Charlotte’s birth. I also noticed that because the epidural wasn’t one sided they didn’t add an extra bolus like they did with Charlotte. Because of that, I think the epidural was actually a little weaker so I felt everything just a little bit more. It wasn’t awful, but definitely not pleasant and I think it was more typical for how birthing with an epidural is supposed to be. They called it “the ring of fire” which I definitely felt. In total from start to finish it was about six hours with about 20 minutes of pushing. I did request the mirror and that was helpful so I could see everything going on and I could see baby’s head coming through. She came out screaming!! It was honestly such a nice sound to hear that first scream. It wasn’t even just a cry it was like a loud wail that they didn’t even suction her nose because her lungs sounded so clear! She was immediately put on my chest with the cord still attached and it just pulled me back to when Charlotte was born. Such a great feeling to hold a newborn for the first time! 

Again, it always feels like a time warp when I’m in the hospital. The time just flies by an incredible speed. At this point it’s now 6:10 PM and I’m holding baby on my chest as she’s sleeping. She’s been nursing on and off and occasionally cries. I think she’s actually quite vigorous. She did a great job latching on, and Sometimes her latch actually hurts just a little bit. So I’m glad that she’s so strong.

I think one thing I’m super excited about is having Charlotte meet her little sister. Up until this point we had referred to my belly as “baby” and she would try to lift up my shirt and hug my belly and kiss my belly while calling my belly baby. At one point she even tried to offer her bottle to my belly. The only funny thing is that she also calls other people’s bellies “baby”, so it’s hard to tell if she really understands. But I’m quite sure that when we bring home a little sister, she might understand a little more! 

Metatarsus adductus 

I turned 34 weeks yesterday! As I look back at photos of shallot I feel more and more excited about this new baby! The baby phase just went by so quickly and I miss those baby snuggles and endless kisses. 34 weeks is pretty significant bc I remember the MFM telling me about 3 weeks after the cerclage (about 23 weeks at the time) when I had asked her about limitations is that she “didn’t really care” what I do after 34 weeks since it’s a pretty safe period of time and at this point baby is basically just getting bigger. I’m just so happy that I even made it this far. There’s definitely less room in my tummy now and I can feel baby rolling around. And I am getting BIG. Definitely bigger than what I was with Charlotte. Honestly though there’s not much to complain about other than the normal pregnancy stuff (stretch marks, heartburn, feeling really full quickly) but these are all things that are so minute compared to my previous fears of completely losing this pregnancy when I learned that I needed a rescue/emergency cerclage at 20 weeks. The cerclage comes out in about 3 weeks now and I probably should start packing my hospital bag in case baby decides to come early. E has planned his schedule so that he doesn’t have any time sensitive cases or super cases for the month of December so he can take paternity leave whenever. This was important when trying to plan this so he decided he would tell each of his patients during that month that there is a chance that their case may be rescheduled and if they’re ok with that bc his wife may go into labor any time after the cerclage comes out. This time he is planning on staying in the hospital with me. He’ll go back home occasionally to see Charlotte but when we talked in our couples therapy with Dr. K we explored the experience last time and I guess I had feelings that were not super apparent at the time since I didn’t want to seem “needy” in wanting him to stay there with me after Charlotte’s birth. He was with me during the birth but continued his surgeries etc during the day and went home at night so he could sleep well. At first he had told me he would stay but decided that the couch/bed they had next to me in the hospital room was not comfortable enough and he wouldn’t sleep well so he left. So during the one session with our couples therapist when we talked about this I realized we both just had different perspectives. E was used to hearing about his colleagues continuing working/doing surgeries while their wives were in labor etc. But since he’s not a resident he has a bit more control over this. My experience was that my friends and their husbands were always there and they were doing this together. Sometimes I feel like “well I can’t be upset bc I know what I go into marrying a surgeon”. But I also realized how important it was to me for him to be there. I think I didn’t even want to admit this at the time. I was lucky to have my sis and mom stay with me but it would have been nice for E to be there. E also admitted that he had not completely grasped the idea of being a father yet and what that meant vs I had been carrying this baby already for 9 months I already had somewhat of a bond. But I think since E has bonded so much with Charlotte he understands his role a bit better and how it is important for him to be there with me. So this time he made changes to make sure he can be there with me during the birth and the two days after plus taking his one week paternity leave after that.

On another note one thing I feel concern about occasionally is how I will be able to divide my time between Charlotte and baby Elyse. I was talking to E about this last night before dinner on how due to my cerclage I stopped having that nice one on one time with Charlotte – someone is always there. Which honestly is great in case I go into labor and being able to help since I’m not really supposed to pick Charlotte up (can’t pick up anything over 15-20 lbs with the cerclage) or it could throw me into pre-term labor. But before I knew about this issue I was taking Charlotte to swim lessons, going out to brunch with her. It was very special. But I haven’t done those things since beginning of August. Now with new baby I worried that I wouldn’t have a chance to do those things with Charlotte. E said though that he could watch Elyse while I go out and have quality time with Charlotte. So that was nice and reassuring to hear. I don’t know why I didn’t think of that. 

I’m also interested in how our schedule is going to change. Charlotte is honestly a pretty easy kid. She’s 18 months old now and is transitioning from two to one nap. She wakes up around 6:30-7AM (daylight savings just happened so we’re slowly pushing her wake up and bedtime to later) and she goes to bed around 7PM. She’s generally been sleeping through the night straight. So again super lucky for that! Usually when she goes to bed, E and I get time together to watch something and eat dinner. Recently we’ve been showering together (two headed shower) which overall is just nice quality time. I know this will all chance once baby comes since the newborn tends to sleep later but I’m hoping I’ll have a better grasp on things since we’ve done this before! I think baby wearing is one thing I probably should have started earlier with Charlotte that would have made things easier. I know a lot of parents with more than one kid use swings to keep their baby happy but that scares me a bit bc I’ve heard of horror stories where babies will fall asleep and die from asphyxiation due to malpositioning. So if I am watching the two kids and breastfeeding baby, I need a few spaces that are super toddler safe so I can be hands-off and watch Charlotte while I take care of baby. Our first floor is pretty open concept so I’m thinking of dividing the space with those extra long retractable baby gates to keep Charlotte contained in one area so I can always see her since she’s still so young! 

I’m also super excited for Charlotte to meet her younger sister. I think she’ll be a great big sister. She loves to play with dolls at school and feed them. She points to my tummy and says “baby” and hugs and kisses my tummy. I really can’t wait to be a mom of two!

I’m curious how Elyse’s personality will be like! I think we’ll plan to use the Snoo again but maybe I’ll hold off on turning it on and see how that goes. I would like to sleep train but I think that starts closer to 4 months although with Charlotte we sleep trained her closer to 7 months and it’s worked very very well. Life changing lol. Charlotte also took to it very easily and honestly she got much better sleep because of it. Anyways I’m looking forward to see how much better equipped we are to handle this newborn stage. Plus E knows Charlotte’s routine now and has a stronger bond with her compared to when she was just a newborn. I think since having the cerclage and my being out of commission for a bit has helped him take a bigger role in her care and learning about her routine. 

Another fun fact is that we got out kotatsu set up! We decided to divide the back part of our “closet” (it’s really just the room above the garage) and put clothing racks in a way that divides the space. So in the back corner the floor couch witth a mat (from an ebay seller in Japan) goes under the kotatsu and it is HEAVEN. I purchased a nice wool comforter to use with the kotatsu. We also moved our TV up here. As we’re getting into winter I think this will be amazing. This might even be a nice place to breast feed although I would make sure not to turn the kotatsu ON in case of overheating baby. Not like baby will be under the table or anything but anyways just part of my paranoid mom thoughts. 

And of course a few Charlotte updates! So far she is a very active kid who still loves to climb! She loves to feed the chickens and the goats and even throw a few treats to Ozzy over the baby gate. Last month she learned a lot of new things! It’s amazing how much she truly understands us even if she can’t speak in full sentences or anything yet. She’s not really combining words yet but she can say things like “NO!” “More” which are her two newest words. And of course “Daddy” which she says very clearly and less occasionally she says “Mama”. If you ask her “who is you friend at school?” She replies, “Addy”. There is this one girl in her class who will point to herself and say “Addy”. Charlotte also says her other friend’s name, “Rory” as “Ro-Ro”. 

I turn 33 weeks today! I just had my appt with my primary Obgyn (Dr. M) and so far things are looking good 🙂 I did have a few complications where they found vaginosis and actinomyces (which is actually not common) but the doc said this was likely caused by the cerclage. Actinomyces is common with those who have IUDs, so similarly, if there’s a foreign body (the cerclage stitch) there’s a higher chance of having something like this. I was prescribed metronidazole and penicillin. I was kind of anxious about taking these two meds as I’m pregnant but the docs assured me that it is very safe.

Anyways I’m excited that in just 4 weeks I’ll be having the cerclage removed and then at that point we’ll just be waiting for baby to arrive! I’m not sure if Charlotte really understands when I tell her “there’s a baby in my tummy” since she’s only 18 months old but she has been lifting up my shirt to hug and kiss my belly which is adorable…although she seems to be doing that to her dad and my sister as well. So not sure if she really gets it yet lol The nice thing about the two girls being close in age is that I’m hoping Charlotte won’t have too much of that sibling rivalry yet. Whereas when I was 3.5 yrs old when my sis was born it was very clear to me that the amount of attention I got changed. I’m sure Charlotte will understand to some extent but I think it also helps that we have a such a big village of people who take care of her, my mom, dad, sister, E, Elizabeth, and Gjulia (our relatively new babysitter). Of course we have had a ton of help since I had the cerclage surgery but as a result Charlotte has a lot of people she trusts. I’ve heard that it’s particularly difficult for children who is really just with mom all the time. I think the change seems more drastic. But we’ll see how it goes! So far Charlotte doesn’t seem too possessive of me but I’m not really around her with other kids all that much these days.

The weekend before last we also took family maternity photos at home in our bedroom and briefly outside (it was cold!). We took some pretty awesome photos of Charlotte kissing my belly. I can’t wait to get the photos back! Our last set of photos before baby is born ❤ I think we’ll put up our Christmas decor early, take photos, and try to include new baby in the Christmas photos if she comes early! My due date is technically December 20th but the cerclage comes out end of November so it’s possibly baby may be due earlier. Also I’m HUGE! Much bigger than I was at this time with Charlotte. I think I may even have surpassed my maximum size with Charlotte or maybe it just appears that way since my weight is pretty normal I think. It’s more just my belly is huge! I remember we had gone to Sanibel when I was pregnant with Charlotte at 33 weeks and that seems crazy to me now considering how big I am even if I didn’t have the cerclage. Of course since this pregnancy is high risk we’ve stopped all vacations/travel and have been trying to be generally close to the hospital. Even when Ozzy got sick a few weeks ago we had to go to the animal hospital that was about an hour away and even that made me a little nervous. Because of course if I went into labor and couldn’t get to the hospital soon enough and still had the cerclage in…then I could tear my cervix 😅…but anyways that’s why we’re playing it really safe!

Yesterday was Halloween! Charlotte got to go trick or treating for the first time 😁 We first went to Stephanie’s house and Charlotte quickly started to understand the point of all this! Putting as much candy as she could into her bucket! It was pretty adorable. E was working and had a late case but my mom, dad, sister, and I were able to take Charlotte to a few houses on our street in a little wagon. Charlotte dressed up as a chicken! My mom was stitch from Lilo and Stitch and my sis was a fried egg! Charlotte wanted to go into Stephanie’s house to see her dog and then at the neighbor’s house she pointed to the cat and tried to go in to pet it. Charlotte loves animals 🥰

On Sunday night Charlotte technically went trick or treating early at the neighbor’s house with me and E. We went over to David and Renee’s house next door. They have grandchildren but they are far and out of town (Canada and Florida) so they were delighted to have Charlotte over. We asked if we could drop by with Charlotte in her costume and Renee put together a little gift basket for Charlotte. Charlotte had a blast! I think Charlotte basically just really likes snacks and food lol They had a little plush pumpkin toy that would dance in a circle and sing. Charlotte was so excited about this and started dancing around as well and saying “more!” When it turned off. Anyways we are lucky to have nice neighbors! All of them are much older than us, closer to our parents’ age so it seems that most of them enjoy seeing Charlotte since she’s the only kid on the block!

So I just turned 32 weeks yesterday! Since I had the cerclage we’ve had a LOT of help! I’m very thankful as I don’t think we’d really be able to do much if we didn’t have the help from my parents, my sister, and babysitters. It also means I hardly get any time alone with Charlotte like I used to and E and I don’t get as much time alone with Charlotte either. But on Tuesday and Thursday mornings we get to spend those few hours as a family together getting ready as E brings Charlotte to daycare and we get her ready together and then there are those moments I spend quality time with her on the first floor while E is upstairs getting ready for work. Today after E had gone upstairs, I lifted Charlotte out of the high chair and decided to keep holding her like I used to. She’s about 20lb now and the doc recommended that I don’t carry her much so I’ve really been avoiding doing this to protect my existing pregnancy. But today I couldn’t help it. I wanted to hold my first born as I realize she is growing so fast right before my eyes. She seemed somewhat surprised that I was holding her and just stared at me with a big smile on her face as I sang her “Old McDonald had a Farm” and she just giggled in that delighted way she does and gave me a hug. We put our foreheads together while she giggled and hugged again. I miss these moments that I used to have more often when I could hold her because oftentimes when I hug her while sitting she’s squirming around!

One thing I noticed when I was coming down the stairs this morning was how much E loves Charlotte and how he has really bonded with her! I think as a newborn it’s a little harder for dads to bond with the kid since they basically just eat, sleep, and poo. I remember the one time in the very early days of Charlotte’s life when I was sitting in the chair on the first floor holding her and E left for work without saying bye to her. I was a little upset but I realized that his bond with her was so different than mine at the time. Not only had I carried her for 9 months but I was really the only one who could feed her since we were exclusively breast feeding for those first few months. Which means he hadn’t even bottle fed her milk yet. E not saying bye to her seems unimaginable now. There are some days when he works so much that he doesn’t see her in the morning and then she’s asleep by the time he comes home. I can see how bummed he is about it. It also pulls at my heart when, on days like this when he comes home late and she’s already in her crib asleep, I see him “check on her” and somewhat intentionally/unintentionally wakes her up. She’s such a sweet girl and a great sleeper that she just opens her tired eyes and is immediately excited to see him too and is comforted by his big, warm hands stroking her back.

We’re really so excited for Elyse to come. I think that’s what we’re going to name her. I love it because it looks just like E’s name. We suspect she may arrive a little earlier than her due date. Perhaps closer to when I have the cerclage removed which will be end of November. I’m still trying to figure out how the dynamic will be having two very young children. Charlotte just turned 18 months last week. I’m thinking that maybe having them both be so young might be a great thing as I remember when I was 3.5 yrs when my sister was born I was old enough to feel the sibling rivalry. Maybe it has in part to do with how parents introduce the new sibling as my younger sis was always the favorite throughout our childhood but either way so far what I’ve seen is that Charlotte is not particularly possessive of me and seems to love babies at least the ones we’ve seen her interact with at daycare. She is very very sweet and I think she’ll make a great older sibling. Yesterday I was chatting with my mum about how I would manage two kids and how we may continue to need help even if I wouldn’t be as restricted the way I have been with the cerclage. It’s just hard to imagine how life is going to be taking care of a toddler and newborn at the same time. I have confidence that I will be able to do it especially since E has learned to be a lot more helpful and I’ve also learned the magic of baby wearing which I learned kind of “late-ish” when Charlotte was young. 

And a few Charlotte updates: 

• About 1-2 weeks ago she learned to say “no!” I don’t know if I taught her this or if she picked it up from daycare but I wanted to give her words to communicate! It’s actually been extremely helpful because now we can know her preferences. Of course sometimes we have to do things anyways (like putting on her shoes, or taking a fork away from her if she’s running around with it) but for the most part it’s been great! It’s funny because she also seemed to learn this word and use it so suddenly.
• She also learned the word “Bye!” last week. Depending on how we say it she will say “Byeeeee” or a quick “bye” along with a wave.
• At the pediatrician’s yesterday (I didn’t go but my parents brought her and had me on speaker) I could hear the doc listening to her lungs and chest and afterwards the doc said, “Everything sounds really great and healthy!” Charlotte goes, “Yay!” During this same visit Charlotte kept saying “bye!” To the nurse! I noticed she does this sometimes when she wants to leave or is anticipating that someone else will stay and she will get to go somewhere else like if she wants to go to the basement with her Lo Lo she’ll say “bye!” to me or whoever else she figures is staying.

I’m writing this now approaching 31 weeks pregnant on Wednesday. I’m just happy we even got to 28 weeks! That was obviously a few weeks ago but that was a milestone I just was not feeling too optimistic that I would hit back when I was at 20 weeks and right after the cerclage surgery. The milestones I had kind of set after the surgery were 24 weeks – viability, after 28 weeks then there would be a lower chance of baby having any neurological issues, and after 34 weeks there is a lower chance of baby needing to spend time in the NICU. Hearing all these milestones when I was back at 20 weeks was really daunting and scary. But it’s amazing now that somehow time has flown by and 28 weeks was more than 2 weeks ago! 

It’s amazing to me how so much has changed and how much more comfortable I am feeling. And how sadly cautious I was even feeling about being excited about the pregnancy after I heard about my short cervix issue. Being 2cm dilated at 20 weeks was terrifying to hear and definitely came as a shock as my pregnancy with Charlotte was relatively uncomplicated. A few weeks ago we even were comfortable enough to start thinking about and even picking a name. We are so excited. And Charlotte seems to be too! I’m not sure how much she understands but when I tell her there is a “baby in my tummy” she comes over and snuggles and kisses my belly. It’s pretty adorable. At this point I’m still cramping if I walk around or do anything that involves any kind of lifting (I’m not really supposed to lift Charlotte up but sometimes I do if I need to get her in the crib or out of her high chair). The docs all say this is fine but really I should listen to my body and not go on “long walks while carrying her” kind of thing since last time she had her pediatrician appt she was close to 20 lbs if I remember correctly. But the cramping itself isn’t bothersome it’s more the idea that the cramping could lead to pre-term labor if I don’t sit down and rest. Since beginning of August I’ve also been off work and I’m really glad I made that decision because at work I won’t always have the opportunity to sit down or stretch out if I find my body cramping up. I would basically have to just keep going. I definitely know it’s a privilege to be able to stay home as I have but I’m very glad for it and of course E was very supportive of my staying home to take care of my pregnancy. 

So the cerclage comes out end of November right after Thanksgiving. We’re really hoping the baby doesn’t come any sooner since E will be on call during Thanksgiving and we’ve really tried to plan as much as we can for E to be there during the birth and to have somewhat of a paternity leave after. Although of course these things aren’t always predictable we can try to plan as much as possible anyways. With Charlotte arriving around 37.5 weeks I figured it might be similar with this baby? I now circumstances are a bit difference but if anything I assumed this baby might arrive even earlier. But we’ll see…the doc said that about 20% of patients deliver sometime a week after the cerclage is removed. I think I may just try to bed rest myself as much as possible for the week leading up to the cerclage removable because at that point I would be just around 37 weeks. 

In other news, sadly one of our goats decided to headbutt Charlotte in the back! It sounds awful but fortunately our goats are pretty tiny still (weighing less than our dog and don’t have horns) but it made me feel extremely irresponsible and like I had failed Charlotte since she obviously could have been much more hurt had she been knocked into the cement patio or knocked off the porch. Fortunately she didn’t have any bruising or any scratches or anything like that. If anything I think she was just shocked. I wasn’t there when it happened but our nanny Elizabeth said it seemed to come out of nowhere. The goats are about 6 months old now but I think the female, Nina, is trying to figure out where she is in the hierarchy. I posted on one of the goat Facebook groups as well as on reddit. People were a lot nicer on Facebook than on reddit! Anyways we are getting a fence put up today since we were planning on doing this before but we had been dragging our feet on it! But for multiple reasons the goats really need to be corralled in. We’ll allow Charlotte to feed the goats through the fence but in general I think she should really only be around them when she is closer to 5-6 yrs old and can hold her own. The goats are not going to get very big since they are miniature but they could still do damage to a small child. Anyways the overarching feeling is that I feel like an idiot for even letting this happen. I think since the breeder had told me they were previously therapy goats and were part of an outreach program to provide comfort for people with disabilities it seemed unlikely that one would try to headbutt my daughter but regardless they are still livestock and they’re not babies anymore. Approaching 6m to a year they tend to try to “figure things out” and figure out who is on top. They’ve never head butted an adult but again with Charlotte being so little I don’t think they quite see her as being human. Even with Elizabeth being right there and watching Charlotte these things can just happen so fast. Anyways I think we’re taking the logical next step by keeping them in their own space.

And as I’m writing this I always like to say what Charlotte’s doing and how are day is going. Charlotte is currently taking her afternoon nap! Her babysitter/nanny, Gjulia (we found her recently to fill in the gaps for when Elizabeth can’t come over and to give my parents a break) just left around 3PM and Charlotte really seems to like her! I was very surprised since when we had tried to introduce a different babysitter over the summer, Charlotte would cry and it was difficult to get her to calm down any time I would leave her sight. Gjulia seems to have more experience with kids and maybe it’s because Charlotte is older now but Charlotte sat right on her lap the first day she met her! Anyways Auntie Cheebs seems to have just arrived as I hear Ozzy barking! Cheebs is helping me tonight and tomorrow morning since E will have to leave earlier than usual. Having all this extra help has been really nice although sometimes I really yearn for the times I would just have the whole day to myself with Charlotte and we could go anywhere and do anything.

Today I am sitting in a hospital bed while writing this. The reason I’m here is because yesterday took quite a turn of events. The plans for yesterday were that I would have my 20 week anatomy scan of baby, receive the new TV delivery, go for a massage, then meet Jim at the house where he would then mount the TV to the wall, and then pick up Charlotte from daycare. This of course all changed at around 8:30AM when I had the fetal anatomy scan. It was funny because for some reason I had not considered E in making this appointment. The night before, we were talking in the shower and he mentioned that he would have probably gone if he had known in advance. He gave me some dates if I wanted to reschedule but ultimately it was up to me if I wanted to just go tomorrow by myself. That night I made the decision to just call them in the morning and see if they had any other dates maybe a week or two from now. Then at the last minute I decided to just go since it was really just an ultrasound and it wasn’t really going to be all that different from when we had Charlotte. In fact it might even be boring for E so I decided to just go. I arrived about 8 minutes late to the clinic after taking a wrong turn…plus just being late anyways. The front desk staff said she’d have to check to make sure I could still be seen. Fortunately I could be and they brought me in right away to the dark room with the monitor and the scan. I chatted with the tech and she told me about her own daughter who was 4 months old and then after some time of scanning and looking at baby she asked me if it would be alright to go ahead and do the intravaginal scan to see the cervix. I agreed and when she took a look and took the measurement she mentioned it seemed kind of short and she was going to notify a doc. Apparently this had kind of been a thing with my pregnancy with Charlotte but did not seem to be a continuing issue. When the tech finally came back to the room she told me that the doc wants me sent to triage. She showed me the measurement and normal cervix during this stage of pregnancy would be around 3cm. Mine was just at 0.9cm which was really not ideal and could put me at risk for pre-term labor and delivery. Which at this point of 20 weeks would mean the baby would not be viable. I felt like bursting into tears but held it together. Triage was just across the street so I checked out and drove over there. I couldn’t help but feel like maybe this was some mistake? Maybe the tech somehow took the measurement wrong or maybe it was taken at a funny angle. Either way I was kind of in a panic but trying to keep it together. I had asked my mom if she could be at the house in case I didn’t get back from my appt in time but now I was calling her to tell her I would definitely not be there in time. I didn’t want to make her panic but I explained the situation told her I was going to triage and might be a while.

At triage the front desk staff is always kind of rude with a weird attitude although everyone else I have worked with in the department tends to be super nice. They brought me back to the room where I saw the midwife I see mostly for my checkups plus another one I had met the last time. Bother SUPER nice and I was lucky they were both at the hospital at this time. They gave me further details and explained the situation. Essentially because I had a short cervix, below 1cm, there was a risk for me to go into labor early since the cervix didn’t have enough “suuport”. I had a ton of questions but ultimately what it came down to were a few options:

1. I could do just the daily topical progesterone on my cervix and hope things change and that maybe things would lengthen or we’d cross our fingers and hope we don’t go into labor early. With my short cervix length this option would still mean that I had a 50% chance of delivering earlier than 28 weeks. Which was a terrifying thought.
2. The second option was to get a cerclage which is a stitch that would help to reinforce the cervix and keep things in place until it was time to come out. This would help prolong the pregnancy so my cervix wouldn’t give out too early. Although this procedure came at a risk of 15-20% change of causing labor due to the cerclage in part because the needle used to place the stitch could accidentally rupture the amniotic membrane and just messing with the cervix could also induce labor. This option would also include the daily topical progesterone.

In short the options were to go with a cerclage or not. At first I was inclined to not do the cerclage since I didn’t currently have any symptoms and a 15-20% risk seemed pretty high. After talking to the main doc who would be doing the surgery, Dr. G, it became clear that the cerclage would offer me the best change of saving this pregnancy since there would be a greater risk if I chose not to do the cerclage.

Incidentally I had planned a playdate with my friend Sarah and her two boys for the following day. I gave her the breakdown of what was going on and having the reschedule. Then I remembered meeting her friend Meg who had delivered very early at around 27 weeks. I had met her at the pub with Sarah with her two boys as well. One of her boys was just about 8 months but had been born very very early so his adjusted age was technically much younger. I asked Sarah about her to see if she had something similar. Turns out it was the exact same thing and also just came out of the blue since her first born has been perfectly healthy but without any complications. The only difference in her case was that she was not able to get the cerclage surgery since she was already too far along at 23 weeks. Her water broke at 26 weeks and she was able to hold out until 27 weeks. She said that if the cerclage was an option for her then she would have gotten it.

So yesterday I was just reeling. I felt bummed that although baby was perfectly fine and healthy it was my body that could completely fail her and prevent a perfectly healthy baby from coming into this world. It wasn’t so much guilt that I felt but maybe a bit of frustration that I even had to come to this decision and that my body was not doing what I wanted it to do. It felt unfair to baby. She is doing everything right. I thought about how much I’m showing and how I’m starting to feel her kicks. She’s so present in me now. It’s upsetting to think about losing her especially since we had gotten this far.

The risk of labor due to the cerclage is what scared me. What if I could go through the whole pregnancy and be fine since I wasn’t having any symptoms at the moment? It actually seemed somewhat analogous to discussions with my own patients where they did not have any pain or symptoms yet the amalgam in their tooth placed 15 years ago was causing their teeth to break. The crack lines were there and obvious but it’s just a matter of time. When the tooth breaks it doesn’t break predictably and worst case scenario we need to extract it when we could have replaced the metal filling earlier knowing we’d have a good result. In this case it seemed similar in that there was clear evidence that my cervix was short and if I didn’t do something about it now, then the window of time during which I could get the cerclage would close. I could go into labor early anyways. At least in this case, where I was now would make me an ideal candidate since I wasn’t actively in labor already. Rather than waiting and crossing my fingers that I wouldn’t go into pre-term labor, I realized it would be much better to prevent it if I could.

After discussing with E, looking up studies, and even just gathering some anecdotal info we decided it was best to go ahead and get the cerclage. A spot was blocked off for me the following day at 8:15AM. We had to arrive at 6:15AM. The procedure itself seemed as bit daunting knowing I’d get an IV, spinal anesthesia, as well as just being fully aware of what was going on since they didn’t plan to put me under or even in the “twilight”. E drove me to the hospital early in the morning and it was reminiscent of the night we drove to the same hospital when I was in labor with Charlotte! It was scary to think about what was ahead but again just taking this one step at a time made everything less overwhelming. We checked in to the same place as yesterday and were brought to a curtained recovery room. The nurses were nice, placed an IV gave me a partial rundown. Then later on Dr. G came in and we discussed things in more detail. Overall the procedure went smoothly. I was actually a little more dilated than the day before at 2cm and she could see the amniotic sac. This essentially confirmed how important the cerclage was as my cervix really could have given out at any time throwing me into way early pre-term labor. Somehow, like with the delivery of Charlotte I was able to remain calm and even closed my eyes and relaxed during the procedure. At one point my blood pressure dropped and I was feeling not great but they gave me another drug through the IV that perked me up pretty quickly. They said the bp can drop due to the spinal anesthesia. It’s always a disconcerting feeling to not have either sensory nor motor control of your feet, legs, and everything in between. After the procedure Dr. G found my parents whom I had been texting and were napping in the waiting room and she discussed everything. She also had a chance to chat with E was working in the same building doing his own OR cases and has been popping in and out of my room to see me in between cases and lunch. Overall the procedure went smoothly thank goodness. I’ve been wheeled into the nicer recovery/overnight room and am getting the indocin (an NSAID to prevent labor/contractions of my uterus) and ancef (antibiotic). I’m trying to relax and also trying to kill time but it’s tough to just “take it easy”. Not a thing I’m good at when I’m usually hanging out with my 15 month old and working (although not much these days!)

In all this I will say that I am so so lucky to have a village that supports me so heavily and extensively. My mom, dad, and sis dropped everything they were doing that day and were all there in the lobby and visited me one by one (covid policy) when I was having the discussions with the docs yesterday. We discussed the game plan and how we would proceed with taking care of Charlotte while I was away the following day and really the following week since I’d be even taking off work in order to take it easy. Although the doc said there are no restrictions in movement I felt inclined to just take it super easy. The rules are basically just no sex, no orgasm, nothing that could cause a contraction basically. I’ll probably maintain this for until baby is born. But having my parents and sis, E, and Elizabeth make this all possible. My family has already split up chores and what they would do and Elizabeth today helped my sis take care of Charlotte since my sis isn’t usually just responsible for her by herself. This freed up my mom and dad to come visit me in the hospital and for them to get some of their own stuff done. And E of course has been giving moral support in coming in and out of my room when he can. So at this point I am just crossing my fingers and hoping that things stay quiet and that my uterus doesn’t choose to act up due to the cerclage.

I really want to get back into writing more and posting more pictures! Even just reading posts I wrote a few months ago it’s so easy to forget how I was feeling at the time or where Charlotte was in her development.

Anyways I wanted to keep track of some of this stuff before Charlotte grows up too soon! She’s already growing up so quickly and looking at photos just from a few months ago she’s not the same baby! She changes so much and now she’s really like a little kid! A true toddler! She’s definitely walking more than crawling these days and I want to say that transition happened just within the past two weeks. Crazy how quickly they learn.

So here’s a list of the stuff she does so far that I don’t want to forget!

• Opens her mouth and chews when you say “Chew chew chew!” when she’s eating!
• Looks up when you say “look up!”
• can say; po po, bubble, mama, dada, lo lo (sounds like yo yo), and does a pretty good job with intonation when we tell her to “say x”
• Holds up one finger when asked “how old are you?”
• Signs “more” by bringing her closed fists together
• Signs “full” by waving both hands
• Signs “full” “bao bao” by patting her tummy
• Does motions for itsy bitsy spider by bringing her fists together and slight twisting
• “Na na” means I want food/milk urgently now!
• She loves the goats and screams when she sees them!! (definitely a little animal lover!)
• Definitely knows the word “milk” and will become fussy if mentioned and not given immediately!
• When we say “blow kiss” she smacks her lips together
• She’s been waving a ton especially when we say “goodbye” or x has to leave. Although she’s been doing this since last November I think?
• Apparently she did a somersault two days ago?!
• She likes to put things away and into other things, E goes “You look really busy!”

And just a very heartwarming moment was when she screamed “Po Po!” yesterday while running to the back door when my mother arrived at our house. That was the first time I really heard her do that! Made me feel like omg she really is a little kid. It’s fascinating to me how much she understands but just doesn’t quite have the fine motor control to communicate what she’s thinking in words. She certainly tries though and oftentimes has the right intonations when we ask her to repeat what we’re saying!

Again it’s been forever since I’ve written anything! So much has happened since January so I’m going to try to summarize and see how much I can write before Charlotte wakes up from her nap.

Right now Charlotte is taking a much later than usual morning nap because we decided to meet a new friend and her daughter who is close to Charlotte’s age at the local farm nearby. It was a good outing and I’m starting to realize how much Charlotte loves animals! I guess she kind of has to since she’s been surrounded by animals her whole life haha

• First item of news though is that I am pregnant again! We got pregnant in March so I am due some time mid to late December but considering how Charlotte was born early I suspect we might even be earlier with this one! Finally someone to possibly share a December birthday with me! (even though we all know summer birthdays are much much better haha) Also…we are having a little girl!! Which is super exciting. As much as I wanted to tell myself that I would be happy with either, I’m honestly just so excited that Charlotte will be having a little sister. The age difference will be somewhere around 20 months so I am hoping they will grow up to be close. Having 4 kids is still not out of the picture but I am slowly starting to be open to having 3…but we’ll see. E said he’d be happy with 2-3…again we’ll see how 2 goes maybe I will change my mind! So far I am entering second trimester and just getting past the worst of the nausea. I still get it occasionally but it’s much better now I think. I am now 18 weeks along. I remember with Charlotte I got past the nausea around 15 weeks which was similar to this time as well. I think in general the nausea was better with this second pregnancy which is why I actually thought we might be having a boy! But of course turns out we’re having a little girl. I think I may also just know how to manage the nausea better – aka small meals and eating before I even feel nauseous so trying my best to never really get hungry. Because for me hungry just means nausea.
• Also a few weeks ago we got goats!! Miniature Silky Fainting Goats. I’m realizing that these are the best goats I’ve ever met because they are so much friendlier than any goats I’ve ever met. Most likely because they were technically “therapy goats” before they came to us. When they were very young they would go on these outreach programs to facilities for adults who had disabilities, etc and would be pet, held, and brushed so the nice thing is that they are extremely socialized and will follow us around the yard like dogs. When we first got them Ozzy would try to hump them and they would faint! Which would mean Ozzy would keep humping them while they were in this stuck state which was all very nonconsensual! And then he would cry outside the back door asking to be let out so he could hump them Fortunately we were able to train that out of him and he still wants to occasionally but the drive to has definitely decreased. It’s kind of the same with the chickens. He was super interested in them at first but over time has realized that they’re not all that interesting and that he probably shouldn’t hump them. Hopefully he will get better with time with the goats too. I think it’s harder because they are closer in size to him! Just slightly smaller now since they are still kids. We got the goats from a breeder about an hour from us and she travels and does shows and has won awards. I thought it was important to get goats that were carefully bred so we would know what to expect especially in terms of temperament since we’ll have little children. At the moment we are also thinking of getting a pygora goat which is a mix between a pygmy goat and angora. I have my eyes on one after talking to the breeder and she is a 9 year old disbudded goat (which is important since again having children we don’t really want horns right at their eye level!) who just had babies so at the moment we are just waiting for her to gain some weight since she was still nursing them for some time. So we’ll see what happens! Anyways with the goats we have I’ve found that they are actually much more kid friendly than even our dog since they don’t even care if a kid leans on them, pets them, and maybe even accidentally pulls their hair. We don’t encourage Charlotte to do this but the goats are just so extremely tolerant and gentle.
• We went to Portland, ME a few weeks ago to see the grandparents! We’ve traveled quite a bit with Charlotte now and counting this was technically her “11th” flight although we’ve only traveled domestic at this point…which reminds me I really need to get her passport! It was a good trip!
• Charlotte has started walking a lot now. She’s close to 15 months and she’s walking but not super consistently. She’ll still crawl but is now preferring to walk which is pretty awesome. She still sleeps through the night woo hoo! Although at this point we are trying to get rid of her pacifier especially before the second baby comes! She’s done surprisingly well but we are noticing her front teeth are “rainbowing” so theres like an arch that the pediatric dentist I work with says will elevate the palate and make it narrower and can still be “fixed” now if we stop the pacifier use. It’s tough because the pacifier is just so comforting to her and hearing her cry is hard but again definitely something we want to get rid of soon. The pediatric dentist also explained it’s why a lot of kids get expanders before braces
• It’s been exciting meeting a lot of new people. I feel fortunate that moms want to hang out with us! We’ve met quite a few people in just the past year who have kids Charlotte’s age and we’ve gotten together for playdates.

I feel like for every negative event that happens I should also write a positive event because otherwise when I go back to read these entries I’ll have to remember that I tend to write only the bad things since I use writing as a way to “work things out” otherwise I ruminate on them in an endless cycle in my head.

Btw this might get a little graphic. So Charlotte is almost 9 months old and very recently was very very constipated. This is both a bad and a good thing because fortunately it looks like we’re on the upside of things and she’s now finally pooing pretty normally again. I mean she’s pooing A LOT because we gave her a lot of prunes, apple juice, and water these past few days but after she passed a few well-formed stools it seemed to unleash an explosion of backed up poo since she hadn’t gone normally for a little over a week. So now we’re dealing with diaper rash which we have managed successfully before. So once she’s done with the poomageddon from being so backed up I think we’ll be good.

On Monday she had even burst an eye vessel from straining to poo. We visited the doc and she said we would still see the red spot in her eye but would resolve in a few weeks. During the visit they informed me that bananas, apple sauce (but not apple puree!), and potatoes can actually cause constipation. I was not expecting this at all. For the past few weeks I had been feeding her banana and sweet potato. So that would explain it. Fortunately her poo was not hard but just well formed which is not how it’s supposed to be at her age. Yesterday right before work I finally decided to give her a suppository which only had to give her once before back when she was about 4 months old since again she had been backed up for almost ten days. After a few hours while I was in the laundry room washing bottles I noticed she started to cry as if she were in pain and was writing on the floor. It was hard to watch. I could tell she truly was straining. It’s interesting because it actually looked more like she was trying to hold her buttcheeks together like she was tightening up instead. I later read that babies will actually do that! Which of course makes it harder to pass a poo especially if it’s well formed. So I brought her to the nursery and held her until she relaxed a bit and then changed her diaper. I saw a few smears of poo and then I saw the giant well-formed poo coming out of her anus. She was extremely uncomfortable and again I could tell she was in pain. I tried to pull it out with a wipe but it just fell apart…so…I kinda gently pushed her buttcheeks in a weird inverted way (without hurting her!) and it plopped right out with some other less solid poo around it. It was extremely satisfying for both of us heh that day at daycare she didn’t poo much just a smear. Then last night she had some pretty solid/well-formed poos and this morning was the start of the poomageddon. Fortunately all her poos look normal and how they should be. Aka no diarrhea or super hard poos just a lot of it! So honestly I couldn’t be happier. I really was so worried about her constipation (I even cried before work yesterday worrying about it) because it can be a cycle of painful poos which causes the child to not want to poo which then causes the poo to become even harder. So glad we didn’t have to go there. Seems like water, prune juice, prune puree did the trick…Anyways hopefully we’ll prevent this from happening! Def don’t want to give her too much prune juice either!