27 Aug 2007

So, I watched the season finale of both of my favorite shows, Big Love and Army Wives. How in the world am I going to be able to wait until season 2? I guess my other shows that start will hold me over once they start. LOST, Desperate Housewives and Smallville. I like tv way too much.


Our Anniversary turned out nice. This is the first one we've had that we were able to actually go out and celebrate. All the other ones we were in the midst of moving. Crazy. We had a good time. Nick worked half a day then he came home and we exchanged gifts. I got a scrapbook, new dishes that I been asking for. They are the square white ones exactly like the ones at Ruby Tuesday uses. I got a cookbook, 2 Yankee Candle plug-ins and some other stuff. I felt like it was Xmas. And all I got him were some of his favorite candys and some board games for us to play. But he was happy.

Then for dinner we went to The Crab Shack. http://crabshackonthejames.com/ We sat right on top of the water and ate dinner and watched the sun go down.After we finished eating Nick gave me my anniversary band. Its sooo pretty! I love it. I will post a pic soon. Then we walked the pier. Its the longest pier on the east coast. We walked it. Our feet were hurting but it was worth it.

Not much else going on. Today is CD 24 so AF should be here in about 4-5 days. When she arrives I will call the doc to get my clomid and set up for an ultrasound and also call and have our spermmies set up for delivery. It's a little nerve wracking because if this doesnt work, I dont know what we're going to do. I havent heard anything back from the Jones Institute. But I will call in a week, or this week.

We are going up to PA for a few days this week to see Nick's parents. I would like to take a day out to visit with ym great grandparents. Its been 2 years since I've seen them. I sure hope I get my BFP soon so they can see their great great grandchild.

A while ago on the NW boards, this song was posted. I didnt have the guts to listen to it, but I did read the lyrics. Finally today, I have to guts to listen to it and watch the video. WOW. What a song. Check it out...Warning though, its a tear jerker and its about infertility. A song called, I would die for that, by Kelly Coffey.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ

24 AUGUST 2007

5 Years ago today we got married. Crazy. I woke up a card and Im sure more later when Nick gets home. We always exchange gifts and then go out to dinner. Not sure where we are going. I wanted him to wake up to a card also but last night I totally forgot. When Nick said its bed time, I was just so happy to get to bed, and it didnt even cross my mind. A few days ago I had thought about putting a card on his car so he would see it before he went to work, but dang it, I forgot. Isnt it usually the guy who forgets things like that? Oh well...he will just have 2 cards to open later today. I will share a slide show with you all. I posted it on my myspace but most of you here on my blog dont have a myspace, so I will share here too. Sorry for those who already saw it.

Other news, I purchased our spermmies yesterday. I was so sure our favorite donor wasnt going to be avilable. Several days ago someone had told me there were only 2 IUI vials so I was so sure they would have been sold. Nope, so I bought 1 for our next and possibly last try. I sure hope it works. I really do.

And Deena reminded me...Nope, Jones Instititue has not contacted me. I emailed the lady and she told me that my paperwork has been recieved and its being reviewed and she would call me when they were finished. That was 2 weeks ago yesterday. She wouldnt tell me how long it would take, so if I dont hear anything by next week, I will call instead of email and maybe I will get more info from her. If this IUI doesnt work next month I would like to have a head start on egg donation to get some cash for IVF.

Click here for slide show or copy and paste into your browser.
http://www.slide.com/r/zGu9AWzX2j9PX4y28DBIgb_-I7eS1meE?previous_view=mscd_embedded_url&view=original

22 Aug 2007

Thanks to Tammy for inspiring me to post more pics...hehe. Although they arent family pics, just random ones. Sorry for those who dont like pics.
My first ever Wordless Wednesday...sorta. Just some great memories. Click the pic to see if large.
Nick and I, ages 15 and 18, 1999.

One of my favorite trips, London, England. This is Tower Bridge.

Our beloved Tigger, rip.

Our very first house together between a grocery store and a snack bar. ( You can see me in the driveway with my car ) in Pordenone, Italy.

One of my favorite Countries, Croatia.

Mirimare castle in Trieste, Italy.

Our 2nd camping trip together, Austria. Dachau Concentration Camp, Germany ( trust me, you dont want to see the other depressing pics from there )

Pisa, Italy.

18 Aug 2007

So last weekend we took my ring to Ka* Jewlers to get it sized. I am NOT the size 5 ring that I was 5 years ago when we got married. I got my ring sized to 6.25 and we went to pick it up today. We walked out with much more than my resized and cleaned ring. I picked out my 5 year anniversary ring! How could I resist? It was on sale, and it was perfect. Ive searched a few times and never found one that I really knew was "the one," until today. Im not a "bling bling" person. I dont wear jewlery but this, man this ring is so pretty. I love it. And Nick gets to pick up up for me on the 23rd, 1 day before our 5th anniversary. Talk about perfect timing. And the best part, Nick is getting it engraved. I dont know what it will say. I told him not tell me. I cannot wait.

Here is picture of it...I will post a picture of the actual ring once it's on my finger!

And Tammy, welcome to blog world. Its a great great world. Soon we will be posting pics of our baby bellies. :)

Poems

I know, Ive already posted for today, but I found this...

When do I stop?
When do I realize it's enough?
Why does it have to be me
who has it so tough?
There are many out there
who are evil and perverse.
Yet do You burden them
with an infertility curse?
A 16 year old delivers
a healthy baby boy
then throws him in the garbage
like some old broken toy.
A drug addict
has 3 beautiful little ones
and beats them black and blue
for nothing they have done.
A worn-out woman
with already more than she can bear
sighs dissapointedly
when she sees two lines are there.
God give me one,
just oneto cherish all my days
And I promise that to You I'll give
all glory, credit and praise.
Make it stop
this intense longing and fear.
Please give me a child
that I can hold near!
By Stephanie Marottek9/25/01..

Pleading with God
God please take this desire
and do with it what You will.
If it is in Your Plan,
then let me trust and be still.
But if Your plan for me
is not in tune with my desire,
then calm this longing in me
and re-direct my fire.
You alone know
how desperately I cry at night
and pray every day
for some sign that it might be right.
I want to trust in You
for You know what is best for me,
but if my thoughts are wanting something
that is not ever to be,
Then God please take this desire
Take the longing from my home,
and help to accept it
and live my life for You alone.
Stephanie MarottekFebruary 3, 2004

More poems to come..

17 Aug 2007

Yesterday's crock pot dinner- YUM-O! I made meatballs. They were SO good and very easy to make. 1 lb. ground beef, 1 cup italian bread crumbs, 1 egg, salt, pepper, season all, garlic salt all mixed together and formed into balls. Brown in an oiled pan then put in the crock pot. All this = YUM-O. I will be making this dish reguarly.

I posted a picture we took in Venice. Lately, we terribly miss it. We miss it a lot to say the least and are so desperate to go back. Aviano has a Staff Sergeant opening with a report no later date of end of summer 08. Nick applied to it...but the chances of getting it...I dont know. There are a lot of people to compete with. We would LOVE to go back. Our best friends are still there and will be there until the end of 09, so if we got we could spend some more precious time with them. But the chances are slim.

Even tho Im on a break this month from TTC, Ive been tracking my BBT and started OPK's today. I am on CD 14 today and no BBT rise and a very negative OPK. I want to track this to see how long it takes from the time I get a +OPK, to temp rise. Then I will know exactly when I do ovulate without clomid. But because this is the first month after 4 months of clomid, my cycle is going to be off. Obviously, since its CD 14 with no BBT rise or + OPK. Ughh. I hope this cycle doesnt drag out. Im ready to be in this again. I kind of wish we didnt take the month off, but I know it was needed.

16 Aug 2007

I will be back soon daily as usuall. I am on CD 12 now but as you all know Im taking a break. Next cycle I will be back in. I hope our favorite donor is available then. If not, I will have to choose another one.
In Feb when I got my BFP I only took 25 mg of clomid. I plan on doing that again next cycle. I have been wondering if the high doses of clomid have been preventing a BFP for me. So, back to only 25 mg next round. It might just be my last IUI if I am accepted into the donor program. If its a BFN and I am accepted, I will go through 2 rounds of donating my eggs to build up the cash for IVF. So, hopefully I will just get my BFP.
So, thats my plan and Im sticking to it.

I had a dream last night that I was crying to my dad's step sister, or my step aunt. I havent seen her since I was 12 or 13. All I can remember is her having 2 miscarriages then years later getting her sticky BFP. But back then, I didnt understand. I knew she was pregnant and her babies died and she was so sad and upset just sitting on the couch all day crying. I couldnt understand. But now I do, and I think of her.I had a dream last night that I ran into her and I was crying and telling her shes the only one that really understands me and I was asking her how she got through it. I dont remember much of the dream but I remember me crying and feeling so hurt. Hmmmm. Oh well...I will have a baby someday I suppose.

Something I forgot to mention, and I dont know how! A couple weekends ago one of my best friends from high school was in town for her husband's family reunion. The sweet person that she is, she made time for us to spend a day with her. I havent seen Lilian in about 2 years and before that it was 3 years. She is one of the VERY few that kept in touch with me after I got married and moved to Italy. All my other friends acted as if I had dropped off the face of the earth. But not her. I've known her since 7th grade! Wow...has it really been 10 years? We were'nt friends in Jr. high school as we hung out with different crowds, but once in 9th grade, our first year of high school it was different. She sat right in front of me in homeroom, from 9th grade all the way until the end. And she didnt just sit in front of me, she did more than that for me. She was always someone to talk to, someone to tell my darkest secrets to, someone to listen to, someone to give advice as well as take it. Someone to laugh with and at times laugh at. LOL! ( a gruesome science experiment just popped into my mind! Muahahahaha! ) Anyways, we got to spend the day together and it was great. It brough back great memories and made me wish I lived closer to home. 2 times in 5 years just isnt enough times seeing her. We had a great time. Nick and I picked her and Jeff at the hotel and off to Virginia Beach we went. We spent some good time in the ocean before we got kicked off the beach due to a torrential downpour and lightning. So back to the hotel we went and we swam in the pool instead. It was a grand ole time!
Lily, I miss you!!

13 Aug 2007

Its Monday. Im giving Jones Institute until Friday to call me back about my paperwork. Thats a little over a week. I do not want to skip next cycle at all with TTC. I want to do my next IUI and probably final IUI before my egg donation starts. I am kind of kickin myself for skipping this month. But I do know we both needed this break for a cycle. It was for the good.

Nothing new around here. Our anniversary is in 10 days. I cant believe its been almost 5 years of marriage and we still dont have a baby. Stinks...But its been the greatest 5 years of my life. And each year gets better and better.

10 Aug 2008

Nick is all for it. I mailed the paperwork yesterday and I will give them a week to call me back. If not I will call them. If it takes longer than this cycle to get started, we will do 1 more IUI before I donate my eggs then do IVF.

8 Aug 2007

WHERE THERE IS A WILL, THERE IS A WAY.... ( thanks for that Michell )

And there is a will and a way now. 2 days ago, not so much. I feel so much better today. Maybe the rose I came home to last night after work helped, maybe my shopping today helped, maybe it was all the wonderful comments I got from all of my blogger girls, or the comments from my family and friends. Or maybe it was all of the above.

Pam, Jenny ( my favorite sister in law) RaJen, Tammy ( and your letter from TwiceJess ), Kelly, Amy&Sharon, Lyndsey, Deena, Jody, Meg, Mom ( the best mother in law ) and Michell, anyone else I forgot to mention- all your comments made the world of a difference to me. Each one of them made me smile and knowing I have all your support makes me so happy. All your confidence in me is just amazing. Thank you all so much for putting up with me and my attitude through all this and supporting me. I feel the love and hugs through the computer!

I have a plan I am leaning toward. Tonight when Nick gets home we will have the discussion. My plan, donate my eggs 2 times then do IVF 1 time, or 2 if need be. And if I have left over embryos from the first IVF, I will freeze them and do a frozen cycle for baby #2 soon after.

I got the paperwork in the mail today for me to fill out to become an egg donor. I am all for it. Not only will we gain the funds( $2,000 for the first donation, and $2,500 for any donations after the first ) to make our dream come true, I could be helping another couple achieve their dreams. Because we are on the receiving end of donor sperm, I am fully aware and understand how much their donations mean to us. Without men donating sperm, our chance of pregnancy would be ZERO. Because of them, I can and will become pregnant. To think of me helping with something this big, makes me feel...so courageous? I dont know the word Im looking for.

But anyways, according to the paperwork I got, it goes something like this:
Phase One:
Step One: Questionnaire. A physician will review my health history. Then I will get a call advising me of the next step. ( This is the paperwork I have completed today )

Step Two: If I am eligible to donate eggs, ( I see no reason whatsoever that I would not be eligible as I am very very healthy ) I I will have to make an appointment with a psychologist to make sure I am mentally able to handle to donation process.

Step Three: Hormone level testing. I know for a fact that I will pass everything. A year ago, before we almost did IVF before the IUI's, I had all these tests completed and all tests came back normal. After the testing, I will be contacted in a few days with the results.

Step Four: Consulation appointment with physician and nurse coordinator. This appointment takes 2 hours. We will review the donor egg process in greater detail and go over the requierments. I will meet with the physician, who will take a medical history and perform a physical exam. ( Again, I know I will pass the physcial exam as I am very healthy ) More blood work will be drawn during this appointment.

Phase Two: Egg Donation
The goal is to safely retrieve multiple eggs from my ovaries with the least possible distruption to my schedule. Inevitably, there will be some degree of inconvenience, and for this reason I will be reimbursed.

I will be given medications over a period of 7-10 days to stimulate multiple eggs to grow. Because every woman is different, they will need to monitor my response by periodic checks and ultrasounds within approximatly 5 office visits.

After the eggs have been stimulated, they will remove them from my ovaries.

Then when my next period starts, I go in for a follow-up to make sure everything has returned to normal.

Again, I have to dicuss this all with Nick when he gets home today, but my plan is to donate twice, then on the IVF train I go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6 Aug 2007

Where do I even begin? I been laying in bed for 2 hours, cant sleep. I been giving myself a pity party all day, I have a headache and tomorrow is a 10 hour work day. Go figure. Nick is sound asleep and I dont have the heart to disturb him with my emotions that he cant make feel better. I wish this on nobody, not ever, not anyone. Its a hurt that cant be described. The life is sucked right out of me. My heart really hurts and noone understands. My blogger friends do, but my friends in life, dont. I dont even know what we are doing next and that makes it harder. I am not TTC this cycle. Im taking the month off. After that, I dont know where we will be on this road. Donating my eggs? IUI? Nothing? Its so draining in every aspect. I want to give up, but then it will never happen. EVERYONE around me is pregnant. Everyone says it will happen, but will it? When? I been told for over 4 YEARS that it will happen. It hasnt. I dont understand what I did to deserve this. I feel like I am being punished, being made to suffer and hurt. Its like when your very first boyfriend breaks your heart and you just want to curl up in bed, close the door, close the blinds and turn off the phone for a week and cry and sob, and do nothing more. I dont understand. Why me? Why cant I have what other women get so easily? What is wrong with me? Why do I have to want to be mother so bad? Life would be fantastic considering the cirsumstances, if I didnt want to be a mother like some women I know. But I do. I have to be. Why? I have the perfect marriage, the greatest life anyone could have, everything I could ever want...but the very 1 thing that I need to complete the hole in my heart I cant have. Sometimes I just want to give up. Sometimes I will do whatever it takes to win. I will do 30 IUI's, I will do 20 IVF cycles and I dont care how much debt comes from it. But I know I cant do that and that is not fair to Nick. When is enough, enough? When do I give up?

This is just a fraction of what I think about daily, and is exactly what keeps me up at night. I just hurt so so much and I cant even describe it. I've written all this and Im still not satisfied but I dont know what else or how to say it. I dont even know if any of this makes any sense.

3 Aug 2007

My temp is way down. I am out. AF will be here any second.

Oh, and Deena if you read this, Id like to be added to your blog too since its on private now.

2 Aug 2007

So, you notice the drop on my chart? Yeah...I think Im out. $hit. Oh well, there is nothing that can be done but have a glimmer of hope until the good old AF shows her face. Maybe by some total miracle my temp will shoot up tomorrow, but dont have too much hope for that.

Here is what we are considering now:

We both are on the verge of giving up on IUI's. This was our 7th try, and we have had all BFN's and 1 miscarriage at 7 weeks. It has taken its emotional toll on us pretty hard. I dont want to give up, but I dont think my heart can take the beatings anymore. We are not sure if we are going to finish our 6 rounds of clomid cycles or not. We initially said we would, but that would mean 2 more IUI's and we arent sure if we can emotionally handle it.

Anways, There is a fertility clinic near us and DH heard an advertisement on the radio for women to donate eggs. I called and asked about it and the program, to us right now, is something we are considering. The lady is sending me out the paperwork for screening. If I am accepted, the first donation they will pay my $2,000. I can donate as many times as I wish and any donation after the first one they will pay me $2,500. They also do an IVF exchange program which is, if I donate eggs, in return they will do IVF for us at half the cost. We already can get IVF farily cheap through the military, so Im not sure which way would be less expensive, but either way the money I get could go toward IVF, or adoption.

Its just so much to think about. I just dont understand why these IUI's are not working when the timing has been perfect. There is no reason my body cannot handle a pregnancy. When we wanted to do IVF form the very begining we were denied. The doctor said there is no need for me to do IVF with me being so healthy and fertile, and that 1-3 IUI's would probably get me pregnant. So what the heck is going on? I just dont understand it. It makes me question my ability to be a mother. Am I not meant to have children? Why is it so difficult for us when it shouldnt be? Anyways, Im just rambling. Do you girls think the donor egg program is a good deal?

1 Aug 2007

Its August! Its the month of our anniversary! 5 years of blissful marriage on the 24th and hopefully to celebrate with a growing bean!

Here's my chart. I had 0.2 drop today but still only 0.1 drop below my flatline and still way above my coverline. So it's still good. Tomorrow I should have more of an idea of whats to come.