June 25, 2007

I can understand that feeling when you say, “I just had to say it”. I have felt that so many times. Sometimes you just have to fling that idea into words only then will it let go of you. You can’t run away from anything. Don’t try to change yourself. You are very nice just as you are.

It’s not bad to be egoistic. In fact, it’s nice. Whoever talks to you must understand that you have your own space that cannot be encroached into. don’t let your self respect go away. Stay with your ego. It will protect you. those who understand you can never misunderstand it. I understood that you must be left alone now. I don’t ask you anything. I swear it’s infinitely more difficult for me this way. I don’t want to tell you this. I just get away with short yes/no questions with you, desperately hoping that you would answer it in the affirmative. It’s okay. take your time. stand on your own. I learn a lot by these kind of experiences. You will too. I just want to assure you that there is beautiful life ahead, that this time will go away, you’ll come through it. Too philosophical, but this is my only escapade. I must put it down towards somewhere. I’m blogging heavily. Will show you one post when you are back to normal again.

You love Eleena. She loves you. but don’t be depended on anybody. That’s the worst you do with yourself. Don’t think you’re going to lose anything. Everything that’s yours will stay and stay the same. Everything that’s not yours will go away. There is no use holding onto it. Bangalore is beautiful. changes are essential. You’ll take it wonderfully. rise above this and think about your courses. Think what you’re going to do there. You will be filled with hope. Don’t form expectations of what you will get. Expect from yourself. Drive yourself, feel passionate, feel energy, feel alive. When you’re depressed, you tend to look down, you feel even more. Change everything with authority, with force. You hold the power. You don’t need anybody. Just refuse to stay depressed. Just refuse to accept pain. You have infinite capacity for joy.

I’ll add some more things you can hold under love. Love of what you do. Have you ever got the feeling of not remembering anything when doing something? some time later you realise that you were doing something. You lose a sense of time. You’re living intensely in that moment. That’s love. Any intense emotion is love. Love doesn’t encompass only living beings or our relations. It is in us. You can love anything. A city, a day, a morning. Whenever you love, you live, you live intensely. That’s life, try and see and you will know you love so many things to live for. Take a look, life is very beautiful.

I knew you had understood that I was asking for your number then. It’s wonderful how you do this. Like you want nothing false to exist between us. showing how much you love truth. I told you I love your truth. Yout absolute denial to speak whatever is untrue.

I couldn’t have shared that with everybody. I knew you would understand.

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Looking back, so many years later—I can see why I fell for him. And thought of him as my best friend. More than a boyfriend, I had lost a best friend. The memory doesn’t hurt. I don’t remember it. But the letter was warm hug then, and is today too. The beautiful parts of being an (still) untainted teen by life.

Unexpected things during minimalist’s decluttering session. Digitising a written down electronic email. The pages were stapled shut tight. I get why. I didn’t want to throw the diary. And I didn’t want to look at these things.

Now, the pages are getting shredded. But reading it after so many years, was what I needed to hear today too. Maybe will be a warm hug for you too.