Ego

Posted by mishilau

“ The ego often hurts. That is because it has something incredibly wrong with it. Something unbelievably wrong with it. It is always drawing attention to itself- it does so every single day. It is always making us think about how we look and how we are treated.

People sometimes say their feelings are hurt. But our feelings can’t be hurt! It is the ego that hurts- my sense of self, my identity. Our feelings are fine! It is my ego that hurts.”

– Tim Keller “The freedom of self-forgetfulness” on the natural condition of the human ego.

Recently been reflecting on the word “triggered” and all of it’s related connotations- especially in the psychology realm. Yes i follow a lot of parenting/ counselling instagram accounts…

It seems like a “trigger” can be anything and everything. I begin to wonder if it has to do with something deeper within us, like almost a reflex (not a response) when our sense of self / ego is threatened. I’m not saying that all “triggers” can be waved off as unimportant because we want to defend ourselves (real or perceived threats). But i think it’s worth a deeper delve, if that makes sense, into the behaviour that follows when these triggers occur.

I suppose that involves quite a high level of self awareness, and maybe also someone you trust to call you out for certain repeated patterns (and of course vice versa).

“Search me O God and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way ever lasting.” Psalm 139:23-24

Regret/ hindsight

Posted by mishilau

Been watching some Salt and Light testimonies and reading some amazing stories of individuals who’ve been thru a lot and come out on the other side…

Anyway, came across a poem that I really like- the words just flow like magic… enjoy!

I think one of the
heaviest burdens
of human imagination
might be the ability to
have hindsight…

After it’s all over,
past events start to seem
a lot more predictable than they actually were.

In full colour,
we start to see
what life would’ve looked like
if only we had known
what was going to happen.

When we look back,
we can pinpoint
the conversations
that should’ve shown
us the clues.

We can feel the weight
of the actions
that should’ve been
a big hint.

We tell ourselves,
“if only I had known…
if only I had known…”

I do not know
where in your life
regret seems
to scream the loudest,

but I do hope,
that whenever
you find yourself
looking back
into the tunnel
that echoes
the dissonance
of the past,

decisions
hastily made
and good things
that didn’t last,

I hope
you are able to hear
the music
in your other ear.

Even if it plays softly
and you can barely hear it
through the noise,
I hope you remember,
even here,
there is room
for other tunes.

The past will not change,
but at the same time,
the present moment
is calling you
to be gentle with yourself
as you learn
to allow your imagination
to play the notes
of an all-new song.

-Morgan Harper Nicole

Notion of superiority

Posted by mishilau

Here we go again, I always try to revive this blog sometime at the start of every year and then my efforts kinda wane when February comes around.

Well, I wanted to pen down some thoughts and so what better space to write then here? A lot of what has happened in the recent months (esp in the political / cultural atmosphere ) has made me consider the definition of leadership, the heart of the gospel and the notion of superiority. I started this post with the latter in mind so I’ll get to that.

There were 2 instances I encountered, yesterday and today that really saddened me:

The first, I was driving past a landed housing estate and it was drizzling (as it always is these days!) I saw a lady holding an umbrella standing up, directing her helper who had a pail and a cloth, who was scrubbing an outside wall. It just puzzles me to see this sort of thing cos 1. Why does an outside wall need cleaning? 2. It’s raining ?! Can’t this be done at any other time if you really thought it was absolutely necessary.

The second, again was driving thru the landed estate (as a shortcut) and was patiently waiting behind the garbage truck doing their rounds and emptying the bins in… then I saw presumably one of the residents looking upset , not sure about what, but gesticulating angrily to the guy who was emptying the bins. Listen lady, this guy is doing his job and definitely doing u a favour by clearing your rubbish… could you not speak to him in a manner befitting him as an equal?

“For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned.” Romans 12:3

I think it’s a clear warning, for me to never ever think myself better or more superior than the person next to me. No matter their background, occupation , race… how subtly do these things seep into our mentality? We let one thought sit for a day and entertain it for a week and soon it becomes an attitude, a way of life. Why do we need a Black Lives Matter movement? Why is there a MAGA movement ? Can we not see that this is more prevalent than we care to do anything about?

Starting with my own closely held values, using the gospel to sieve my thoughts and perceptions I do pray that change must come first to me, not someone else. When asked “what is wrong with the world today?” GK Chesterton responded with a one liner “Dear Sir, I am.”

It is only when I am brutally honest about my sin and my need for Christ, that His grace and mercy become full and precious- not some option that I can use on occasion but a constant crutch so I can be reminded of my dependence on Him alone.

Prayer

Posted by mishilau

“ We must be taught the gestures that position our bodies and our souls to be able to hear rightly and then retell the story… For example, while we may be able to pray without being prostrate, I think prayer as an institute of the church could no longer be sustained without a people who have first learned to kneel. If one wants to learn how to pray, one had better know how to bend the body. Learning the gesture and posture of prayer is inseparable from learning to pray. Indeed, the gestures are prayer.” – Stanley Hauerwas

D introduced the notion of praying on our knees a few weeks ago, and we didn’t make it compulsory – just an option, because our bodies were created for God’s glory and naturally bending the knee is a sign of submission. The kids really took to it, the eldest would initiate and the rest would follow.

Not acceptable

Posted by mishilau

These past couple of days have been hard. It’s officially the 4th week of us being indoors with the kids (work and online school) is taking a toll on my mental state. It’s not the being with kids or doing housework that bothers me so much but the fact that i don’t get alone time at all from 7am-7pm. I can’t even go to the toilet without being hassled. Serving food and attempting to train the older two to help is also a precarious situation. And on TOP of that i wanted to do phonics with #3 which led to me repeatedly raising my voice at him. Sigh.

I felt like such an awful parent, I went to bed so discouraged and in despair. I said to the Hubba why can’t i be patient ? I tried so hard, do i just have to try harder? I don’t know about you, but it’s almost like i want to do it on my own. I want to say i taught my kid to read… (even tho it was unlikely that i even did for the first 2 children and they just learnt to read anyway).

Today’s devotion hit the nail on the head:

“We need righteousness to be acceptable to God. But we don’t have it. What we have is sin” – Solid Joys devotion 28 April

So that’s it. I am impatient because i sin, and because all i have within myself is sin. Without God and his help i cannot. I need this exchange. Until i tell myself, its not about trying harder, or tying knots around my wrist to remind myself to be patient, or doing that counting to 3 method. I need God’s grace, and I need his righteousness.

“ By grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.” Ephesians 2:8-9

It feels like its taking me a lifetime…. to learn that I can’t do it, I may use my will power, my grit, my sheer stubbornness but all that is not what God requires. He wants surrender and obedience. And even the desire to do that can only come from Him.

Jesus paid it all, all to him i owe/ Sin had left a crimson stain/ He washed it white as snow.

A typical Circuit Breaker Day

Posted by mishilau

On the 7th of April 2020, the Singapore government decided to implement a circuit breaker (partial lockdown) – to curb the spread of Covid 19 in the country. Schools and work places were closed- only essential services remained open. It’s now slightly over 2 weeks and we’ve been home (I think the kids haven’t left the house since , maybe once for a car ride!) Here’s a breakdown of our typical day:

6-6:30am The Hubba is up- usually reading his bible in the living room, then does his home workout (jump roping , push ups etc) either at the carpark downstairs or in the living room.

7am: I rouse to some voices (usually Zeke and mikes chatting in the living room). Sunlight streams into our room and the oscillating fan slowly becomes inefficient at cooling the room.

7:15-30am: I wash up and head to grab the baby from her cot (she’s the only one who needs help getting out of bed). Diaper change and we join the other 3 kids outside on the balcony. Hubs is washing up after his workout.

7:30-8am: breakfast usually is sandwiches 🥪 choice of jam, kaya, Nutella. We get a treat on the weekends when Derek makes scrambled eggs, or when we heat up those mini pancakes we got from foodie market place. I cut up the baby’s sandwich into small squares so mikes or Kayla usually gives it to her.

8-8:30am: I pull up the devotional from my phone and we do scripture reading / writing and some discussion about what the verse means. At the moment I’m using the New City Catechism app which is super helpful for kids.

8:30-10:30am : Kayla and Micah still follow some classes from their international school in Beijing – so they log on to zoom at 8:30am for a class (English for K and Math for M), they both have another class at 9am ( Chinese for K and English for M). In between they have a 30 min break which they use checking what work they have on SLS (which is their SG school).

The younger two hang out and play (or fight), I get my cup of tea and try to down my bread while helping the other two with technical issues , or shuffling thru their school bags to find worksheets etc. Derek also starts conference calls at 9am and gets ready in his “home office” aka the girls room around 8:45am. His calls go on all day so we see him at lunch and dinner.

I try to engage Zeke (who is 4 going 5) on some basic phonics and writing ✍️, but honestly most days for my sanity I just would be happy if he played independently or nicely with his younger sister. I also do the brekkie dishes and some vacuuming at this point.

10:30am I bring the baby out to get lunch from the coffee shop round the corner, the older 3 are somewhat trustworthy but I always remind them to not make a ruckus because daddy’s on a call in the room.

11-12noon lunch consists of either economical rice , chicken Bryani (on Friday’s) or wanton noodles. I’m quite happy with the variety at this coffee shop. Some days we get porridge, macaroni with soup, or western food (chicken chop). We are not like super foody people and the kids are easy to feed. Also compulsory for me is getting a Teh and kopi for the Mr for a midday boost. Hubba emerges from the room for lunch!

12-2:30pm I put Zoe down for a nap (which only takes me 5 mins- change her diaper, put on her sleeping bag and say night night) it is about this part of the day that I try to defrag, read on my kindle or if the house is in a mess – do some cleaning. The older 3 kids do some actual reading or listen to an audio book. After that they have a choice to go on the iPad to play with some educational apps. With the baby napping it feels so much easier because she needs the most attention, or “guarding” so she doesn’t wreck havoc on someone’s homework. I also like to take this time to draw / do hand lettering on the iPad- if Micah isn’t using it.

2:30-3pm get the baby up – it’s tea time / snack time so I prep some fruits (usually cantaloupe or whatever was available at the store) dish out some yakult / or cheese. Kids gather around the table and eat.

3-4pm it’s arts and crafts time – we choose between colouring, drawing (usually following some YouTube video) or play dough. We do a mass clean up so I can use the table for dinner later. If we don’t already have dinner defrosted by now I usually scroll thru grab to look for whatever we need to order before 4pm.

4-5pm Yay, it’s tv time – kiddos watch a mix of stuff on Netflix like vege tales, story bots, wild kratts or some sort of documentary like animal planet. We try to watch a variety of things so they don’t get stuck on one show all the time. Dinner usually arrives slightly before 5- so I have adequate time to portion food. I also try to run the laundry at this point!

5-6pm dinner ! Well so far we’ve been fortunate (we get food drops from my parents / hubba’s parents once or twice a week) or I defrost the beef stew / chilli that Derek bulk cooked last week and we have that with pasta or rice. On the odd day we get food delivery we try random things that we can’t be bothered to cook ourselves like Thai food or burgers.

6-6:30pm I tell either K or M to go shower first (since they do it themselves) and I wash up the dishes and clean the table. The younger two usually find some toy box to rummage in and make another mess while I’m busy in the kitchen. The older two are done- I get them to hang up the laundry and I head to shower the younger two.

6:30-7pm this is wind down time in our household…. we grab a book and sit to read. Slightly before 7 kid’s brush their teeth and we head to the boys room for prayer before lights out at about 7:15-30pm.

7:30-8pm Kayla stays up for another 30 mins and heads to bed.

8-10pm yay…. wine and Netflix for the grownups !

I didn’t include the tantrums, or “mom I peed on the toilet seat” stories so this is our day in bare bones 😂 I am pretty tired by 10 and I try to sleep by 10:30 at least.

Given the situation, we are super thankful to have a roof over our heads, food to eat and even things like WiFi and technology to help us when we need things delivered. Every night Derek and I mull over how grateful we are to be in Singapore (realistically we could have been stuck in China). I’m unable to explain how even not being able to see my parents or hang out with them but the feeling of being in the same country is comforting – if something happened at least we are all here.

Share with me your typical day!! Would love to read about it!

Easter Sunday

Posted by mishilau

This Easter will go down in modern history as one that Christians around the world will remember. We celebrate the death and resurrection of Jesus in our homes this year, not gathered physically at church services – but around our dining tables, on our couches and in our living rooms.

For the longest time I’ve always associated Easter with a special service – usually something grander than the usual, with an invited speaker or a musical of sorts. When I was at University doing campus ministry, it would be months of preparation (script writing, rehearsals, directing, logistical planning) – Easter and Christmas was the busiest time of the year for us people in the drama team. Easter today was quiet (Well that’s debatable with 4 kids in the house) but there was definitely praying and a longing for new eyes to see God working in the midst of these uncertain days.

This years Good Friday and Easter is particularly contemplative – Ray’s passing barely 2 weeks ago and the couple of hospital visits we made in the month of March before that have given new meaning to the words “suffering”, “finishing the race”, “eternal hope” and “God’s glory”. In one of the conversations with T, she said “ How do people go thru such pain without having hope?” And I’ll never forget the morning of Ray’s funeral, embracing E sobbing into my shoulders saying “ I know he is in heaven but it’s just so painful.”

Where would we be without God… we aren’t even capable of truly wanting Jesus without his grace and his help. Thankfully we serve a risen King, someone who suffered (so that when we go thru suffering we have hope) and someone who conquered death so that when we do die a physical death we can have an eternal communion with him.

And the morning that You rose
All of Heaven held its breath
‘Til that stone was moved for good
For the Lamb had conquered death
And the dead rose from their tombs
And the angels stood in awe

For the souls of all who’d come
To the Father are restored
And the church of Christ was born
Then the Spirit lit the flame
Now this gospel truth of old
Shall not kneel, shall not faint

By His blood and in His name
In His freedom I am free
For the love of Jesus Christ
Who has resurrected me

Here’s wishing you guys a blessed Easter – if anything, the lack of extracurricular activity is a good pause for the soul. May we find our need in Him, so that he can accomplish what he wants in us.

To the One who has yet to know Christ,

Posted by mishilau

I’m writing this because you knew Ray but you might not know his God. It’s uncanny how life is, because in some way or form all of us believe in justice and innately that if we do enough good we can balance the scales. Ray’s life is a testament that God has come to break the “scale” we believe we need to constantly weigh.

Ray is not here to share but we all know exactly what he believes in and in Whom he trusts. It’s all present tense because he is with God now- the Creator of the universe, the lover of Ray’s soul, the one who exhausted all of heaven and sent His son to die for us so that we might live.

In one of Ray’s sharing, he confesses that God is good. This was in October 2019 – 1 year after the initial diagnosis and 6 months after his first transplant. He said “God’s definition of good doesn’t quite align with mine. If given a choice, this isn’t how I would have designed my life.” He goes on to share about suffering, and how it has drawn him to Christ, even tho it was not desirable on his part. I think it is not right ( as his friend of almost 30 years) if I did not articulate what I know he would have said about his Saviour.

In the last few months, Ray struggled – losing his ability to speak, and express himself. And if you knew him, he has always expressed himself- through words (if not said too quick, and always asked to slow down) or through deed ( always thoughtful, loving and putting others first). His last text was in November when it was a second round of chemo- he said “ out of Egypt but into the desert. Guess I’m gonna learn more about what it means to have manna and quail.” I can audibly hear my dear friend’s voice. He may have questioned God’s methods, but he never doubted His goodness.

I don’t know what your situation is today, whether you think Christianity is just another religion, to pay your dues so that you can accumulate some sort of reward. We all have this “ I need to do it on my own, earn it for myself” – the bible calls this great pull to self- sufficiency, pride and independence— Sin. We are all lost. You could be the world’s greatest bible theologian and lost in sin. You also could be a 3 time repeat drug offender and lost in sin. Because we do not trust in God’s sufficiency (and that’s our tendency), we just would rather do it ourselves; earn it our way- or run away from Him. Until we are faced with death.

Death is the great equaliser of all man. When faced with our own death or with the death of a loved one- we are powerless. Ray’s God, Eve’s God, my God- is a personal God, he is a saving God, he specialises in rescue. I know Ray’s greatest hope was in God, his second greatest was to grow old with Evelyn (God has other plans), and I think another great hope was that everyone who knew his life would come to know His God.

“I have become a marvel to many; you are my strong refuge” Psalm 71:7 This is the verse chosen by Ray’s family on the top of his obituary. It’s important to his loved ones that you know Ray’s life glorified God, but his death so much more. Because his hope was in an unshakable, unchanging Person, it is so much more than the hope of being healed- he trusted God in spite of pain and suffering.

“Where O death, is your victory ? Where, O death, is your sting? Death has been swallowed up in victory.” 1 cor 15:55

Back to whom this letter is for, you will say -what now? Can I really know this God, is he real? I would say there’s always a thousand reasons why I wouldn’t believe in Him, simply because I have decided to- not because of a lack of evidence, or because I don’t know enough. But just because I don’t want to. It’s no shame to admit that I simply will not. Better to be honest than to come up with reasons.

Or there’s another thousand reasons to believe in Him, because you decide that you want to, not because it will make your life “better” or because you will not suffer. Because our God has done it all, we don’t obey to earn things. We obey to love Him. Because He exhausted all of himself for you, you now know there is nothing He wouldn’t give you. But because you know that He is God and knows supremely more -you trust Him, that the thing you want so badly that He withholds from you is working out a greater glory in the light of eternity. You can trust Him, because He loves you.

If Ray was here, he would tell you the same thing- maybe in different words, but my writing will have to suffice. He would probably say, “ walking with God is complicated, I don’t always have worship songs playing in the background, but God is a constant presence in my heart” I don’t think once he has ever copped out and gave an easy answer, for anything. He was also wise to not place his trust in his feelings… “feelings change with the day and oftentimes, within the day as well… yet these feelings are fragile” (in a text to the group July 2019) He ended that text with Psalm 73:26 as his biggest comfort “ My flesh and my heart may fail, but a God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

Going to end, because the kids are waking up soon… but I hope this letter speaks to whom Ray would have liked to speak to and it accomplishes what purpose it should. When you find that your heart and flesh fail… and they will, turn to God and find not rules and regulations, find not condemnation and shame, but see Him who by his mighty hand not only holds up the universe but embraces your heart and comforts your soul.

Love, Mishi

Another Year On

Posted by mishilau

We celebrated Zoe’s second birthday yesterday… I can’t believe it’s been another year! It is so true that the days are long but the years are short, never understood that phrase until we had kids.

Unless I’m with close friends, I don’t really share much on a social media platform about the highs and lows of parenting ( and in particular the challenges of adoptive parenting).

Adoption is a beautiful miracle story. But it is also complicated and full of losses. To say yes to adoption is to enter into someone else’s tragedy. To lose your biological family is devastating and has profound ripple effects throughout life. As an adoptive mom, i must recognise that I will never fully understand my daughter’s hurts and that the best parenting cannot fully heal her. Only Jesus is the true healer. And the adventure for me is to point all our children to Him for all their days.

I experience many frustrating days- times where i wish i hadn’t said the things i did, times when I’ve disciplined out of anger and not out of love. I still struggle with sinful and selfish thoughts, putting my own comfort and convenience before my children’s needs. The hardest times for me are when I cannot connect with Zoe’s emotions or behaviour, it seems like such a natural thing- the expectation that we can understand our children. There are days where I search for connection, and i come up short. I know in my head that I love her, and i would do anything for her to thrive…but many times I don’t understand the guilt i feel when i have to discipline her for a tantrum or when i have to say no (which is a lot). This is when i realise as humans we are so broken, apart from God’s help I have no hope of embracing her (all of her- past and future). I can only rely on His grace and mercy on a daily basis, and if I ever depended on myself i will quickly experience the same relentless guilt that I’m not doing enough (which i will never be able to) or doing it wrong.

The key is this, to remember Zoe’s story is to remember the orphan’s story, my story. I was lost in sin, abandoned to my own devices – choosing to go my own way- but God initiated the process of adoption by giving His own son for me, welcoming me into His family. Without which i would never be called His daughter.

I read somewhere that so many inspiring stories have orphans as their main characters- like Superman, Harry Potter, Luke Skywalker, Peter Pan- because it taps into the innate feeling that this world is not our home. This is why adoption is such a comforting doctrine- to be adopted is to realise you were made for another world – and for another person. You were made for God. In Zoe’s case, she wasn’t made to live out her days in an orphanage somewhere in Ho Chi Minh- she was meant to be a part of our family- and made for God (as we hope to bring her up in the knowledge of Him).

For us it was hard to say that we believed in something with all our heart, but not do anything about it, not act. Supporting foreign missions, charities and volunteering are all good ways, but risking everything- bringing a child into your own home, forever? We weren’t sure really, even with all the prayer and research I don’t think anyone is ever ready for everything it comes with- the struggles and heartaches, but also the joy, the pure love you see her older siblings pour out on her.

There is nothing easy or trivial about this. We knew it would be hard, also because it is the basis of the gospel – while i understand not everyone will be called or equipped to adopt, as part of the church everyone does play a role in caring for the fatherless. We rely heavily on friends, family members loving on Zoe- treating her like their own, teaching her in Sunday school about God’s word, and when she’s older keeping her on the straight and narrow.

So thank you from the bottom of our hearts for welcoming Zoe into our family and (because of our friendship) into your lives too!!

Zoe turns One

Posted by mishilau

Hello!

So I’m happy to report we had a normal week… everyone’s finally recovered from that awful bug (Took us two weeks) but I’m so so thankful for this week because well, it was uneventful. For a mom of 4 young kids, uneventful is good- in fact it’s great !!

I’ve had some time to practice lettering, and even memorise some bible verses in mandarin. Also some time to watch Netflix, and even go bouldering at a nearby rock climbing gym.

Well, as the entitled- this post is about Zoe turning one. We just can’t believe how fast time flew by and how we met her as a 4 month old in Ho Chi Minh. It has been a whirlwind but also a very God-ordained one. I’m a bit of a Marvel fan (No offence to DC) but there’s this scene in Avengers Infinity War when Dr Strange goes into a trance and sees all the however many million possibilities/ outcomes this war will have. And Tony Stark asks him, “In how many do we win?” And Dr Strange replies ” One”.

Right there, that’s how I feel when I look at my daughter, Zoe. There must have been a billion things that needed to line up in the universe for her to be in our family. We could have approached someone else, or another country, or maybe the timing for completing our home study report could have been earlier or later. The two prospective couples who saw her before didn’t take her (At that time I didn’t understand, but now I see that God kept her for us). I was angry, that people seemed to be “shopping” for babies, she was the only baby we saw and even before meeting her we had decided that we would go through with the paperwork. I was angry that she had been passed up, over looked and rejected. It hurt me to my core to realise that many children, many lives are just scattered because they don’t seem to hold any human value.

Anyway, away from my rant- we didn’t do anything fancy but her siblings did bake her a birthday cake and we sang a song. Haha our logic is really what do one year old’s know ? This photo is for keeps, together with lots of other memories we will be making from here on out.