monkey off my back

Ha – it’s a year since my last post! 1461 days sober (that’s 4 years now). No desire to drink booze – the idea makes me shudder. Why the fuck would I open that can of worms again?

It hasn’t been all rosy though – being sober has made me really notice the underlying anxiety I experience. It was a bit part of why I drank – to calm my farm, get a temporary break from my brain and chill out.

Over the last few years I’ve been on and off and anti-anxiety medication (Lexapro/Escitalopram). When it’s taken at a low dosage (10mg) it’s helpful for generalised anxiety. I’ve been considering it again lately – but I’ll wait a bit.

Like most people around the globe there have been some pretty large anxiety triggers in the last few years… pandemics, talk of the next “Great Depression”, the threat of global war or nuclear war, economic impacts of war, major flooding and wild fires (in Australia). It’s certainly been a wild ride.

I’m so glad I quit before the world went to hell. I can’t imagine working like a maniac (in health) and having the extra burden of struggling with a secret booze dependency.

I’ve gradually told a few more friends. Most of my inner circle (and their partners) know why I quit drinking . Other friends probably instinctively know why – but they’ve been polite and haven’t asked (and I haven’t said). I just say that I’m not drinking when we’re out.
Anyway – hope you’re well. I’ll see if I can post again before day 1826 😉

Just a short post to celebrate reaching the 3 year mark of zero booze. Woo hoo!

To be honest, sobriety has become pretty normal now. I go a few days at a time without thinking about it – although when I do I’m really thankful and appreciate my sobriety.

Reflecting on the last few years I can see a few periods:

Recognising I had an issue and experimenting with (unsuccesful) control techniques. This lasted for about a decade.

Starting to make changes (quitting, starting, quitting, starting, quitting, starting). Sometimes I’d last a day, one time I lasted nearly year. There were lots of attempts.

Telling people and seeking help. After years of trying to stop – I eventually had to tell people what was going on. I was one of those sneaky drinkers – one beer in public and a lot more in secret. That helped me to stop and stay stopped. It wasn’t just support – it was also extrinsic accountability (not wanting to let people down) and internal normalisation. Shame and stigma is such a big part of addiction – so telling people just helped me to normalise the situation to myself and take some of the emotional shame away.

The honeymoon period. For a short time after I quit everything felt amazing. I felt solid in the decision. I was sleeping. I wasn’t exhausted and hungover all the time. Good times!

The long-term hangover. After 3-6 months my anxiety really spiked. It also coincided with several major life issues (death of a parent, relationship drama, work stress etc). At this point I started wondering if I’d permanently caused some sort of damage by bathing my brain in alcohol for years. I hadn’t found a psychologist overly helpful – so I pushed another boundary and tried an anti-depressant for the first time. It was subtle but AMAZING. I would never resist taking anti-depressants again if I felt the same. I took the meds for just over a year and then when life stress had settled – it felt like the right time to stop.

Longer-term honeymoon. I’m now in a part of my life where alcohol doesn’t really affect my day to day thoughts. My anxiety is under control and I feel good. I work in healthcare so the pandemic has made my worklife incredibly crazy for the last year – but on a personal level I’ve been quite calm and in a good place.

I love life. Love sobriety. My only regret is that I wish I told people and sought help a bit earlier. So many people are affected by addiction (or have been) – I think one of the most damaging parts of addiction is the shame, secrecy and stigma. I don’t miss that at all.

Just a short post to focus on reaching 821 days sober.

It’s not a significant number but each significant date has passed by in the blur of hectic crazy 2020.

I work in healthcare and we’ve been as busy as hell preparing for an onslaught which has luckily not eventuated in Australia. We’re in a remarkably good place… 17 people currently in hospital. 17 people in the entire country. Wow.

Anyway my anxiety has been through the roof at times and now I have the global privilege of coming down from my adrenaline fueled 3 months.

So yep. Sober. Drinking has been the last thing on my mind. No significant temptations or cravings. I couldn’t have functioned as well as I did if I’d been drinking.

So yay for a random 821 days – and I look forward to another 821. Hopefully COVID stays just as well controlled in Australia too – although our health systems are now as ready as they’ll ever be if it does break out.

PS: For those of you who don’t know, Australia and New Zealand have a friendly sibling rivalry… So of course they’ve done even better and eliminated covid infection within their borders. (Oh well, I must admit that they do better at most things).

592 days…

No temptations. Not drinking feels normal.

I’ve come down from my anti-depressant ‘pink cloud’ – and have settled into a calm normal. The first couple of months felt amazing and then I came back to earth a bit. I still feel heaps better than I did before I started taking it.

It’s plain sailing at the moment… and I’m looking forward to the end-of-year break!

Oh… and I should probably focus on eating better and exercise. There might have been a bit of weight gain and inactivity since I ran the Gold Coast Marathon a few months ago.

This post isn’t about drinking. I’ve had almost zero cravings and tempatations since I stopped drinking early last year.

My issue at the moment is about food quantity and quality.

I recently spent months marathon training which required really big weekly running distances. One of the nice treats which I like about long distance running is being able to eat whatever I want… in fact I need to eat lots. I was literally burning an extra two days worth of food each week.

Marathon training doesn’t just train your heart, stamina and legs – it also trains your stomach to eat marathon amounts of food.

After I finished my marathon I couldn’t run for a few weeks because of a mild stress fracture in my foot… but my stomach still demanded the same amount and the same type of food.  It’s been like a monster and I keep giving in because “well – I’ve earnt it”.

But now… it’s time to tame the beast. I want to still be kind to myself – I just want to cut back on chocolate/sugar/treats, slightly reduce my portion sizes and reduce my snacking/grazing.

Don’t get me wrong – it’s not like the overwhelming compulsion and loss of control like with drinking. But it’s still also a bit of a challenge at the moment. I know from previous times that I just have to stick to it for a while until my mouth and stomach adjust.

I love that my reaction when I see people drinking heavily on TV is just… Yuck!

I don’t feel tempted, I feel repulsed and I shudder.

And what’s even worse than the scenes of people swigging spirits are all the messy hangover scenes afterwards.

I don’t miss hangovers AT ALL.

Sometimes I’m amazed how much my relationship to alcohol has changed. It used to have a seemingly unbreakable hold on me and now it’s been reduced to the status of ‘yuck’.