More Drafts

As I reflect on my advancing age, I contemplate how my views about God has drastically changed. The older I get the more I understand His character. They say that you can really know a person during your lowest moments and it is true. Like a friend that you get to know better as time goes by, I have known Jesus in much deeper level through the years of ups and downs. It was not in my happiest days when I could grasp of His true nature, it was when I was in deep abyss of sorrow.

Jesus In My Teens

I lost my father at 18 and words in Psalm 68:5 which says “Father to the fatherless, defender of widows— this is God, whose dwelling is holy,” consoled me as a teen. However, like my old unaffectionate biological father who had no time asking how was my life going, Jesus was also just a name to me. He is the father to the orphan as written but I did not see His physique nor hear His audible voice. For me He seemed like a mere imagination or a plain beautiful idea.

I was a melancholic teenager who often felt misunderstood and disliked. My fear of going to hell was the only thing that hindered me to hang or poison myself. Thankful that I was taught about the concept of heaven and hell at an early age, so most of my decisions were driven by that belief. I ran to God though when I wanted to ask for something. I prayed that I could get good grades in class, that my teacher would be absent, that I could earn more so I could buy myself something nice, that my brother would be cured from his mental illness.

Jesus to me was like a genie, but with different traits. In order for my prayers to be answered, I needed to be a good person. Whenever I did not get what I prayed for, I blamed myself for being disobedient to God, for being rude and contemptuous. If something bad happened to me, it might be because I did something sinful. Jesus to me was a punisher and a rewarder. If I behaved well, everything would work on my favor.

I believed that the level of my faith and my good deeds were essential so Jesus would hear my prayers. I was more prayerful when I was young. I used to send my prayers via phone messages to 700 Hundred Club Asia for my brother’s healing. When my father died in 2007 of heart attack, my brother’s mental disorder got worse. Three years later, my brother died at an early age of 24. He did not get cured. He had lived an unimaginably miserable life with mental illness since he was 15 years old.

Therefore I conclude, my deep faith or my good works were not sufficient to get what I prayed for. Life was unfair and so was Jesus, I believed.

Jesus In My 20s

I was in my 20s when I started questioning God and His logic. For many years, the pain of knowing how my brother suffered tremendously half of his life because of unhealed sickness made me so angry. My brother did not deserve the shame and torment and I wrote about him in my other post.

Because I did not have someone to go to, Jesus was still my go-to person in my 20s but I had plenty of questions. I still thought of Him when everything seemed out of hand. I always believed that there was a higher being than everything else in this world but I had a lot of things to ask.

Why did you create Satan if You knew that He would sin?

If you were a perfect God, why did you create imperfect people in imperfect world?

I became skeptic and resentful. I even wrote a blog post about it here. After all, the choice was mine. I still chose to continue trusting His will.

Knowing Jesus deeper is a long journey. It did not happen over time. You solely need one thing, the Bible. However, Holy Book cannot reveal to you all its content in one sitting even if you read all of its pages. I started reading it when I was in high school and I barely understood. When I read them again in my 20s, it was crystal clear. Deciphering the scriptures has one important requirement, your ready heart.

I have screenshot of the verses I saved in my phone on June 20, 2014 as you can see in the upper right corner below. I was 25 when these words started to make sense.

There were moments that I was shedding tears of glee while reading scriptures. There were moments that I felt so overwhelmed with the words from the Bible that seemed like puzzles that suddenly fit into place. There is a power indeed that some people are not able to see because for a long time even I tried hard, I did not comprehend and now without doing anything I have understood.

I have experienced spiritual high and low and I think these two are part of the voyage to profoundly decipher Jesus’ heart. Upon looking back, situations I was in, experiences I gathered, people I encountered, emotions I felt, all of these are leading me to a better view of Him with my clearer vision.

Jesus In My 30s

His blurry face that I longed to see began to show clear features. It became clearer as I grew old until I finally reached my 30s. Now I can even sketch His portrait if I love to but I will never do. Unlike when I was in my 20s, I used to ask Him to reveal His face to me because I wanted a tangible thing to satisfy my faith. However, the size of His nose nor the color of His eyes is not as important as the shape of His heart. When we were teenagers, we were easily infatuated with just good looks but when we became mature we are after people’s soul and spirit and even though our eyes are closed, we can see how beautiful a person is. I now understand that believing in Him does not require a visible image of His face. His greatness does not depend on His facial characteristics.

He does not change. It is my perception and understanding of Him that has changed. The Bible I used to read was the same book I am still reading now. The people in the scriptures have the same attitude as the people nowadays. Moses disobeyed God. David committed adultery. Jacob was a cheater. And of course, I struggled with skepticism and resentment.

I was 31 when I posted a blog about my Kuya and I wrote these, In his death he was found. My endless questions to God began to blur as an image of Kuya’s angelic face became clearer. When he died his melancholy ended. His death is the beginning of his life. All my questions to Jesus are gradually answered in the right moments and with my responsive heart.

I faced my lowest point several times. I met worst people in many different places. Being a Christian is not having a problem-free life or getting all your prayers answered, or living a comfortable life full of blessings without sufferings. However, in-spite of those sorrow and grief, He promised that He will not leave us.

In Isaiah‬ ‭43‬:‭2‬ ‭which is one of my favorite verse,

When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.

He let me go through deep waters or flowing rivers or fire or hardships that I thought could kill me. I experienced extreme pain but I did not die. Instead I learned how to swim and the heat of fire that did not burn me warmed my cold spirit. In my 30s, Jesus is not like a genie to me or just a beautiful idea of a good father. He did not give me whatever I wanted but He never allowed me to be hungry. He let me experience working with worse employers and employees not to destroy me but to come out stronger and to be a living proof of God’s goodness. In my 30s, I figured out that Jesus is certainly a father who allowed me to undergo series of oppression. Jesus did not spoil His children because he wants us to develop our character.

I remember verses in Deuteronomy 8:1-5 (MSG) from the story of Moses and how he led the jews to the land of promise. Moses and the Israelites traveled 40 years in the wilderness and experienced plenty of struggles. It is so amazing how our lives today are no different from the journey of Moses and jews in the Bible.

Remember every road that God led you on for those forty years in the wilderness, pushing you to your limits, testing you so that he would know what you were made of, whether you would keep his commandments or not. He put you through hard times. He made you go hungry. Then he fed you with manna, something neither you nor your parents knew anything about, so you would learn that men and women don’t live by bread only; we live by every word that comes from God’s mouth. Your clothes didn’t wear out and your feet didn’t blister those forty years. You learned deep in your heart that God disciplines you in the same ways a father disciplines his child.

After all those years, I am not the same person anymore but Jesus will always be the same yesterday, today and forever.

Buying Tamagochi was the very first reason I saved up my allowance when I was in grade four. It took me 2 weeks to finally earn 200 pesos. My mother was so surprised when she discovered it because she could not believe that I was able to save. She tried to purchase my dream Japanese toy with my hard earned money but she could not find one. She got me Brick Game instead and that was the beginning of my budding love for saving money.

My mother was a typical frugal Ilocano. We came from a middle class family. Though my father owned various cars and we sometimes had house help growing up, we were not raised with lavish things. I studied in private school from high school until college and I have plenty of recollections about how I felt impoverished in school because most of my classmates and friends were wealthy. I remember during our first day in field trip. My classmates were comparing their allowances. One said without being haughty, “My mom gave me 3 thousand, how ‘bout you?” My other rich friend answered, “Same. But my lolo gave one another 1 thousand.” I kept my mouth shut and prayed that they would not ask me because I only had three hundred in my cheap wallet. However, I am grateful that my parents taught me to spend my money wisely not by words but by their actions.

My parents only bought us new clothes on Christmas. They invested more on essentials and education. They married young. They were first renting a room when they had our oldest sibling. Before they reached 30 they already bought a house from their own savings. They sold it and bought a new land much cheaper. They built a new house from a scratch and when they had a chance to sell it for bigger value they did. Land property increases value over time. We had 3 houses sold until we finally settle on our present three storey home that costs millions now. Not trying to brag but that is how my parents earned their money by just being employees in the Philippines with 5 kids to raise.

Whenever I wanted to buy things I liked I would save. I often saved money so I could go to cinema and eat out with my friends. I did not buy stuff if not on sale. When I started to work abroad, I was still always saving. I would always compare prices and I would often choose the cheaper one. Reading books such as Rich Dad Poor Dad and watching Chinky Tan’s Youtube videos made me more aware of my spending habits.

My Extreme Frugal Living Era

Reading Bo Sanchez book gave me ideas about financial literacy. In 2018, I set a strict financial goal for a year. Looking back, I was so amazed how I did it. It happened because I became a minimalist. I had only one pair of shoes and bag pack for work I wore repeatedly until it was destroyed. The more I trained myself not to buy things, the less desire I felt to own things. I did not have any hunger to shop new garments, trendy shoes or latest gadgets. That craving vanished naturally. It is true that the more you shop, the more you want to buy more. Obtaining nice commodities excites and delights us but that excitement and happiness wear off after a period of time. We want to buy again because it makes us happy and thrilled. Eventually when that pleasure vanishes we look forward to buying once more. The temporary joy it gives is addictive. Thus, the cycle never stops and never ends.

I never let myself got addicted. I never went to mall, never ate in any restaurants or purchased online for months and months and months. Before pandemic, we (my husband and I) earned our first million. We bought our real estate in 2020 but pandemic hit. We have been in lockdown in the Philippines for 8 months.

God has His own ways of teaching us lessons. Money helped us survived 8 months without salary. The Lord really prepared us for the famine. However, money is not as important as time. It is not as important as faith.

What I learned through the years of being frugal

If it makes your life easier, buy it, spend money for it. We used to rent a tiny studio room because we wanted to save more money. When my asthma got triggered by poor ventilation of our small cluttered place we moved to a bigger house. An elder told us, “You are working hard to live a comfortable and not a miserable life. You are working to have a better life.” And it is true. Money is useless if it means having asthma attacks every night.

Most of our furnitures were secondhand but I proudly say that they are extremely on good condition. And you will not believe me, we got our sofa for free when we bought the dining table and chairs together for only 150 QR. My husband was so surprised to see the sofa so clean and almost new. God is really good.

Being frugal helped us earn our emergency fund, land property, survive 8 months without salary while paying our insurances and bills and buy our car in cash. Yet when taken to the extreme, it has also negative effect. I was criticized for constantly using worn-out garments, bag and shoes. People looked down on me because I looked poor for owning old simple stuff regardless of the amount of money in my bank account. Even though I always say to myself that I do not care about what others think about me, I still got hurt when they made rude remarks about how financially incapable I am. Because the truth is I am not.

Rewarding yourself with nice things once in a while will not break your bank. I bought my mid range luxury bag a year ago after thinking a hundred times. Unexpectedly, I did not feel any regret. It was surprisingly a liberating experience because it served as a proof that I could definitely afford luxury items without worrying about the expenses in the future. I used to deprive myself of expensive things not because I was financially challenged but merely because I wanted to save.

There is nothing wrong with enjoying life by spending money. When will you go to your dream destination and buy your dream shoes and clothes? If you are already too old to travel, too sickly to walk and too aged to wear it? If you can afford it without worrying about paying your bills, buy it. Nonetheless I consider this as well, I imagine myself after getting things I wished for. If having it will only give me a brief pleasure, I think again. If purchasing it will give me lasting satisfaction, then is it worth my money. Most of the things that give us long term bliss are useful and important in our daily life. I also make certain that whenever I get something extravagant, it is because I reached or achieved either minor or major milestones like birthday or getting a bonus. Every costly purchased stuff I bought has significance because it reminds me of that important event. In addition, every item that I acquire must be practical and high quality because I buy with a plan in my mind to use it for a lifetime.

When it comes to my daughter’s physical, emotional and spiritual health I do not hesitate to spend money. I invest on my child’s well-being. If spending bucks will make her more confident, sociable, emphatic and can enhance her cognitive development, increase her memory, motor skills and help her develop discipline I will spend more. The formative years of a child is from birth to teenage years. What happens to a child in these crucial years will have a lasting impact on her development which will define who she will be in the future. As a mother, one of my purpose in life is to help her reach her full potential even if it means spending money.

Therefore, as early as 3 I sent my daughter to swimming lessons and I am still figuring out her interest. Having stage fright when I was a kid hindered me to perform on stage even though I was musically inclined. My dream for her is to be fearless and bold in discovering her passion. I believe every child has a gift given by God and as a parent I am responsible for nurturing her natural talents.

Through the years of working and earning, I realized that we can both enjoy life and live simply. Simple living is finding joy in having less and appreciating and being grateful for the things that we already have. Enjoying life is indulging in material possessions the world offers. I am no longer a minimalist because wearing same old black Tshirts does not impress me unlike before. Dressing up is my way of self-expression. My choices of clothes are usually classic, basic and laidback. I eventually grew my wardrobe without spending much. Frugal moms always find ways. I found an online platform that sells less expensive, new and branded items. It has better quality yet cheaper than Shein and Facebook shops. You can drop me a message, frugal folks, if you want to know.

Trying to balance thriftiness and splurging is essential. There are still times I feel like earning my whole life will not make me half as rich as my well off friends. Whenever I feel like my savings are still insufficient to consider myself affluent, I go back to the same old scriptures that never fail to amaze me.

Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Matthew‬ ‭6‬:‭19‬-‭21‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Then everything feels right again.

I was unbothered by repeatedly wearing same old black shirt until somebody noticed it and told me things that made me feel embarrassed of my appearance. I felt poor and pitied myself for a while until I remembered the realizations I learned through the years which led me to decide to endlessly wear black t-shirt.

The brand of the things I wear does not determine my worth.

I believe that even though a person put on a thrifted outfit or a luxury blouse, it does not alter his or her value to the ones that deeply love him or her. Perhaps some people label others by how expensive their possessions are which dictates how they treat them. Take for instance, when I was jobless after graduating from college I went to a department store to just window shop and when I started to leave the store, the security alarm rang. The security guard immediately opened my bag to check if I stole anything which was rude because I was the only one suspected while others just simply left the place. I looked impoverished because I was wearing century old faded top which abandoned by my sister and denim jeans which was awkwardly loose due to frequent washing. I looked incapable of buying a single thing while other customers seemed well-off.

I told my friend what happened and she said “Why did you let them treat you like that?” She was upset and I realized that the ones who truly care for you do not think as others do. My friend knew that I could not steal. She knew me on deeper level. When we start to get to know a person much deeper, their appearance and choice of clothes are not the things that we love about them but their character, their personality, their heart and soul.

When I wear black shirts everyday, my colleagues and other people who do not know me may laugh at me. They may talk about me behind my back saying “She does not change clothes” or “She only has one t-shirt.” But the affection of my family and real friends for me does not diminish whatever clothes I put on. The Lord also loves us not because of the clothes we wear. In fact He wants us to know that life is more than material things like clothing.

God has said,

“That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing?” Matthew‬ ‭6:25‬ ‭NLT‬‬

He is not similar to our neighbors who judge us by the quality of our clothes we pick. For Him, clothes are not as important as our soul. We are more than the shirts that we wear. Our worth is never based on our skin-deep beauty. We are still God’s masterpiece even though we are wearing a rug.

To impress people is a waste of time.

As a teenager I used to give enormous importance to my appearance. Being an adolescent means being self-conscious. Young people crave acceptance from their peers and to be able to feel belong we should be pleasing to their eyes, trendy and fashionable. They seek their identity from the opinions of others. However, the older I get, the lesser I think of others’ perception of me and the need of others’ approval. As I grew mature, other people’s thoughts about me is not as important as my own thoughts about myself. I know myself better than any other human being. If you have a solid understanding of who you are according to your Maker, no heartbreaking words from others can alter your identity. Therefore, to impress people by trying to look cute or cool to gain compliments is a waste of time and money. Our beauty is not measured by the beauty of the attire we own.

It is also written in Proverbs 31:30,

“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”

It is more important to be rich than to look rich.

Years ago, I learned to spend my hard earned money wisely. I realized that buying clothes often to follow trends is impractical. Trend is quickly changing and the clothes you bought yesterday will not be wearable tomorrow. You are just throwing your money away. Thus, I only buy stuff that I can use for years. I rather look poor wearing just simple clothing but with enough savings in my bank account than look wealthy with high end clothes and accessories but drowning in debt.

Again, to impress anyone by trying to look rich is a waste of time and penny. Impress them by our character that does not fade.

Wearing same clothes often makes me less judgmental.

I am accustomed to a culture that wearing same clothes every time is embarrassing. We used to make fun of people who repeat their outfit all the time. We considered them poor and “kawawa” and being poor was something to be ashamed of. I grew up with a mentality that being impoverished or financially challenged is like having an embarrassing disease. It should be concealed. Therefore, we try to appear rich by wearing fancy stuff to show off. I realized by always wearing black shirt that it is okay to look poor. When I see people who wear broken slippers or shoes or worn-out shirts with holes, I learned not to look down on them as if they belong to lower class of society. What I can see are their vulnerability, their struggles, and even though I cannot see their heart, I know they also want material things (who does not?) but they choose to wear ugly old clothes. Probably because they cannot afford to buy new ones or their appearance is their least priority. Whatever the reason is, they are brave. They are brave to show who they are. They do not pretend to be something they are not. They have the courage to look poor in a world where the poor are despised and humiliated. They do not seek compliments on their outward appearance because they may know that the inner peace, the joy that comes from things that cannot be bought, is more essential, more beautiful.

Deaths of my loved ones made me doubt the existence of miracles. Despite years of prayers and tears, witnessing a sibling suffer from incurable illness for many years (until he eventually passed away) led me to become a pessimist. I used to believe that most of the time prayers were futile. My young heart and mind was scarred by tragedies. I loved the idea of miracles but I used to console myself with the thought that expectation hurts. I used to believe in praying but Thy will be done. And His Will was often not the way I wanted.

Months ago, dramatic turn of events happened in my life which made me wonder, “Was it miracle? If not then what was it?” Let me share a long story.

A True OFW Story

More than a year ago, I finished my job contract and I found a new employer which promised a better salary and job benefits. We already found a new accommodation 5 minutes away walk from the new workplace. I shopped for new clothes for my new job. Excited to work with my new employer, I stopped working in my old company immediately after I finished my contract without waiting for my last working day notice. I was not able to sign any clearance because I was forced to continue working although my residence permit was expired. I told myself that after I finished my contract nothing can stop me from leaving. I left without even turning back. To my shock, my residence permit was canceled by my old employer right after I stopped working with them which means I was no longer legal to stay in this foreign country as an OFW. I must go back to my hometown.

My husband was telling me that I needed to stay because we just came from 8-month lockdown 6 months ago in the Philippines where I just gave birth to our first baby and we had not paid all our debts. I fought so hard for my rights to transfer sponsorship. For months I kept going to Ministry of Administrative Development, Labour, and Social Affairs (ADLSA) and Philippine Overseas Labor Office (POLO) – Overseas Workers Welfare Administration (OWWA) countless of times to submit documents and ask for help. I even desperately called and emailed National Human Rights Committee and many other individuals who might offer help. As advised by the POLO-OWWA I filed a case against my old employer for not providing end of service benefits, one month overtime pay, half month salary, ticket and leave pay after cancelling my work visa.

It Was Dead End

I crawled my way painfully in hopes of reaching a greener pasture only to find an enormous barrier, a great wall of China, no window, door nor a small opening, a giant barricade as tough as a stone heart. I was like a dust among other sands on ground with no power to climb over it nor destroy its massiveness. I saw many people who struggled as much as I did. I was not special. The fierce hope I drew from the thoughts that I am a child of God and God is the Creator of all these things, was gradually fading. I faced people of different races with same eagerness, frustration and pain as mine. Perhaps everything people said to me was right.

“There’s really no chance that you can transfer sponsorship because your visa is cancelled.”

“You have to go back to the Philippines and apply for new visa again. There’s no other way.”

“Once your visa is canceled, your employer has the only authority to reactivate it. In your case, there is no hope.”

“How long are you going to wait for your visa reactivation? You’re waiting for nothing. Months already passed.”

“Better go home. Your daughter is waiting for you.”

The government officer in the ADLSA also told me, “You can’t transfer sponsorship because you need NOC. No chance.”

To say that I was weary from everything I had been through was understatement. I gave up my dream of transferring sponsorship. My burning hope lost its warmth and turned ice cold. I was ready to go home and meet my daughter. I bought and created decorations for my daughter’s first birthday and dedication which I would bring to the Philippines. Everything was set.

Horror Story

We had numerous times of hearing in ADLSA until it was decided that my old employer would finally provide the due amount they owed me in their facility as discussed. Money which I could use to buy flight ticket was the only thing I was waiting for. The next day as directed, I went to my old employer’s office to collect the money but they denied that they were informed about the agreement. I felt nothing but extreme frustration, hatred and exhaustion. To make my miserable situation even worse, my previous employer also filed an absconding case against me which led to another unending predicament. I became a constant visitor in the Criminal Investigation Department (CID) for a month.

Five months painfully passed and I could not go home to the Philippines due to financial issues. My daughter turned one year old without me. All the decorations we created left untouched. My unemployment made us move from spacious flat to cheaper, tinier, windowless partitioned room with my husband. I felt like a prisoner inside of our dwelling. I was whispering when speaking because my husband told that I might disturb other dwellers by my normal voice. I could not even play my ukulele which was the only thing that could help me cope. Because I felt like I was buried in a tomb, I barely slept.

Therefore, we used to spend our mornings in the park with my ukulele. I also hated going to malls or supermarket because stores reminded me that there was nothing I could afford.

I paid no attention to my appearance until one day while looking at myself in the mirror I just realized I was having the worst case of acne and pimple marks I ever experienced in my entire life. I looked like a different person, a lot uglier and prematurely aged. My knees ached and I could not walk with ease. I drank only a glass of water a day and my urine started to turn brown. I neglected not only my looks but my well-being as well. I was merely existing, breathing but not living.

Walls Crashed

After a month CID came to a conclusion that a case filed against me had insufficient evidence to prove its veracity. My residence permit was finally reactivated by the Ministry of Interior as ordered by the ADLSA. I was not anymore an illegal alien. I looked for a new employer because the previous one got tired of months of waiting for me. Most of the companies were asking for No Objection Certificate (NOC) which I could not provide since my old employer sole mission was to send me back to the Philippines. However, everything went the way I did not expect. ADLSA approved my request for change of sponsorship though I did not submit NOC. I got hired. Today I am earning more than I was earning before. If it was not miracle, was it luck? Some say it was luck but I did not wear some charms to attract good fortune. I believe that God placed right people at the right time and in the right place.

I remember the scripture in Psalm 27:11-13,

“Teach me how to live, O Lord. Lead me along the right path, for my enemies are waiting for me. Do not let me fall into their hands. For they accuse me of things I’ve never done; with every breath they threaten me with violence. Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness while I am here in the land of the living.”

It is your choice to believe in luck or to believe in God and I choose to believe that the Lord put the right person at the right moment for me. When I went to ADLSA to complain after my old employer broke the agreement, the Lord placed the right person in the reception who could allow me to enter without a schedule (which was prohibited) at the right moment when the Qatari officer was in his good mood so that he could help me in reactivating my residence permit (which was not his job). What if the receptionist did not allow me to come in and just asked me to go home and wait just like other receptionists always said? What if the government officer was annoyed at that moment and chose to ignore me? Everything was possible but at that moment everything conspired for my own good. Things acted in harmony toward a common end which was for my own benefit. Even the indestructible walls crash. Who is stronger than those powerful barriers?

Lessons Relearned

Though I pitied myself for living in a room almost as small as our queen size bed, for not being able to buy cheap things, still God provides. He taught me that we can still live with just having less. We are not enslaved by material things. What matters is not what is happening to us but what is happening inside of us. If experiencing all these issues will make me less materialistic and more grateful, then let me feel all these pain. I am confident still, that I can see the goodness of the Lord in this life. To God be the glory!

As I was folding up my freshly laundered old uniforms, I noticed that their colors faded and there were sturdy ink stains all over. They’ve served their purpose well and just like places and material things, you’ll leave them when you’re done with them. You leave places because you are not a tree which grows in one place all its life. We grow in various places. We leave material things behind when carrying them limits us to go further. All we can bring with us wherever we go are the memories, lessons and realizations which have changed us.

I placed my uniforms neatly in a paper bag, ready for disposal. Keeping away all my old stuff which used to be useful is like closing a significant chapter in my life. I got rid of the old and worn out things of the past but I brought with me all the lessons and life realizations that I decided to share.

Realization #1

Don’t take everything personally.

I used to get hurt easily by nasty gestures and tone of voice. When someone was rude to me I started overthinking and hating. People’s emotional reactions aren’t necessarily based on us. When someone shouted at you, it didn’t solely mean that you were stupid. It might be because that person had personal issues, was feeling sick and stressed out or he or she should have anger management sessions with an expert.

As long as you did what was right, as long as you did your best, as long as you didn’t intentionally hurt others and as long as you learned from your mistakes, then keep your cool. Work, go home and chill.

Realization #2

Don’t expect your hard work to be appreciated.

Our desire to gain recognition and appreciation from others shouldn’t be our only driving force to do our best. Being appreciated encourages us to work even harder but most of the time people may not see your efforts. But don’t stop doing what is good because God sees all. You will reap what you sow in His own time and way. I remember what Colossians 3:23 NIV says “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters.”

Realization #3

Don’t believe everything you hear.

Unless there’s a proof don’t believe anyone’s word of mouth. Tongue seems harmless but when used in a wrong way, it irreversibly damages relationships and reputation. It can cause mental agonies and lost of trust.

Don’t fall into trap of believing false information. If you believe easily, you are allowing others to manipulate your perception, feelings and decisions by the words that they’re feeding you. Words are like foods that you ingest. We are the words that we believe. Don’t be a victim of people who think they know everything but the truth is 90% of what comes out of their mouth is opinionated idea and 10% is fact. Choose the people you believe like choosing foods that you want to consume. In Proverbs 18:21 says, “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”

Realization #4

Everything can be learned if you are willing.

Any skill can be learned by practice and repetition. I don’t believe that there is anyone who is incapable of learning except for those who have mental disability (But don’t underestimate them. They have special abilities that normal people lack.) When I was new at work, I knew nothing. But when you kept doing same thing for many weeks and months and you still knew nothing, I think it wasn’t because you were plainly dumb but because you didn’t exert extra effort to learn.

Educate novice rather than ridicule or criticize them because of their lack of knowledge.

Realization #5

There is no easy job. There is no easy money.

People complain if the workload is too heavy and if the job is too light they also complain because it’s hard to kill time. Fact: money is earned through hard work, perseverance, persistence and determination and it doesn’t matter if you’re a janitor or a manager. All has different duties and responsibilities. The cashier and security guard stand up whole day until their legs hurt while office staff sit down whole day until their back pains. Every employee has his or her own struggles. If you are struggling right now in your job, congratulations. Not all people are blessed to have a job like yours.

Realization #6

People come and go. Appreciate the ones who showed goodness and don’t hold grudges against the ones who hurt.

We aren’t going to work in a particular place forever. All of us will retire or resign with our own different reasons. Treasure the people who were good to us while we’re with us because we may never know when we can see them again. Let go of the negative emotions toward people who wronged us with the same reason that we may never know when we can see them again anyway. Life is short, cliche but it is indeed true. Those who forgive easily and cherish little things live short but happier lives.

Dearest anak,

I wonder what you look like and I don’t think you look like me because I don’t want you to. You are definitely more good-looking and charming than Mommy. Some people will see your beauty and some won’t but that’s alright, anak, because to Mommy, you are the prettiest and most lovable human being. I want you to realize that real love is loving someone regardless of looks because I love you even before seeing you. God loves you even before you were born.

Whenever I feel you move, I’m reminded that I am never alone. Whenever I eat something, I’m reminded that you’re also eating same thing too. I feel happy whenever I think about it. You make me happy by just being you.

You start to kick a lot in my womb. I can feel it even while I am sleeping. You are part of my body, taking up so much space in my belly. Giving birth to you is like a part of my body will be taken out of me but still a part of me. I know that you will grow up and someday you won’t need me anymore but I want you to know that nobody can love you more than I and God can. How can’t I love a precious part of my body? You will be my tiny baby in Mommy’s tummy forever.

Anak, I am excited yet anxious about what you will become. I want you to be more sociable and outgoing like Daddy. I want you to be more expressive and bubbly. But even if you won’t be, it doesn’t matter. I still love you the same. I want you to find your own voice and create your own personality. I will help you unleash your full potential, discover your talents, embrace your weaknesses and celebrate your strengths. Above all, I want you to realize your true identity in Christ. May you grow up to be a good person who fears and follows the Lord. I’m always here to guide you and support all your endeavors. I’m not a perfect mother and I’m afraid that I can’t raise you better than I should. I may read more parenting articles but I know it won’t suffice. I’ll let God do the rest.

I’m your mother and also your best friend. You can confide in me. I will listen to you with no judgment but let me teach you things that I learned from my experiences. I don’t have all the wisdom in the world but I will be glad if you will learn from me.

Love,

Mommy