this crazy thing I did

April 16, 2018 MrsInT-Town3 Comments

Last Friday I boarded a plane leaving home to go to a place I had not been in years to hangout with people I had never met before. Sounds crazy right? And my husband was totally on board with this plan of mine too.

Years ago a dear friend introduced me via Facebook to this author, Lysa Terkeurst. This was in the format of sharing Lysa’s Facebook posts with me. And man, I felt like she was reading our mail. She was this long lost friend that was tuned in to that day’s struggle. Eventually I began to read Lysa’s books and then began trying the online Bible studies offered through Proverbs 31 Ministries. Then I found out they had Facebook small groups. At first I wasn’t sure I wanted to participate in one. Then I tried to get in one but got waitlisted because they were all full. But in early 2017 I was added to Group 10 with Sabrina.

The timing on this was certainly perfect. I didn’t think I had much in me to really participate, chat and meet new people but I was wrong. Many in our group had established relationships and welcomed me with open arms. At the time I’d been at a low point in life I didn’t even know possible. So many difficult situations toppled on top of each other crescendoed with the unexpected death of my dad and the stress of the aftermath. I was riddled with anguish but determined to not let it best me.

Honestly, off hand I can’t even recall what study we started out doing that year. But all year a majority of us stayed together as a small group. And we kept in touch with a private group between sessions too. The group is a constant place of love, encouragement, excitement and wisdom. It was never about judgement, condemnation or I told you so’s. We have laughed together, cheered each other on and been there for each other when something happens. And we all know something always happens. And you cannot get through a P31 OBS without learning something and strengthening your relationship with God.

At one point last year we started doing our discussion via videos we would post in our group because one member had a bad concussion and could watch a video but not read a long post. This helped us get to know each other on a new level. Our videos showed our facial expressions, mannerisms and what kind of tone and accent our voices have. It’s been wonderful! And it really helped us rally around our group leader after her young husband passed away last summer.

And that fearless leader of us decided she wanted to come visit America. She currently lives in Germany and came for two weeks by herself on an unusual U.S. trip. She first stopped at the Proverbs 31 Ministries and got to spent Easter Sunday at Steven Furtick’s church. Then she ventured to Chicago and up into Wisconsin. The last leg of her trip was to Miami, Florida. This is where I meet up with her!

We had a wonderful long weekend! Sabrina and Aliya did a 10k Mudder Run and I cheered them on. Each morning we got up to see the sun rise over the Atlantic ocean and I would sit mesmerized by the planes that would appear out of nowhere and begin a descent to land at the Miami airport. We had pool time, beach time and even went on an airboat ride over the Everglades. And of course we hit the South Beach area for some amazing dinners. Sonya brought her two of her precious daughters with her and the six of us had a blast. It was a great opportunity for us to connect in a new way.

It’s a crazy thing to say I have friends all over the world, but I do! We have ladies from India, the Netherlands, Cyprus, the United Kingdom, Germany and all across the United States in our little group. What a remarkable thing this organization has done connecting women from all walks of life in all time zones. And now I find myself planning a trip to Europe that may include a few days in Malta because according to Sabrina it’s amazing.

Never hesitate to follow that prompting to go do something different. You just never know all the ways God can love on you through others.

And if you dare, try out a Proverbs 31 Online Bible study for yourself: https://proverbs31.org/study/online-bible-studies

w0BmKbp0STiinNflMr4SRA — Sabrina and I with the vast Atlantic ocean in the background

Christianity · Coping · Friendship · God · Hope · Life

lessons my dad taught me while in the afterlife

April 1, 2018April 1, 2018 MrsInT-TownLeave a comment

My dad was a reader. He always believed we are always a student of life and should never stop learning. President Harry Truman said, “not all readers are leaders, but all leaders are readers.”

Dad read all kinds of books. He enjoyed a good mystery novel but was always reading something that would challenge him to grow, to become a better version of himself. And there was this one book over the years he was always trying to get me to read, but it didn’t look appealing so I never read it. Until I found two copies I’d bought for a friend and I when I was packing up my home to move after he had died.

When I saw it, I dove right in and it turns out the book was amazing. In fact, I’d call it life changing. It explained so much of my dad’s calm, even-keeled demeanor despite any difficult circumstances or people. Even if things seemed to be spiraling out of control, he remained at peace. I began to read this book and at first it was hard to get into but halfway through I was hooked. At this point in my life, it was exactly what I needed.

He had talked about this in a different way but here is the general premise on the three choices we have in dealing with circumstances or people:

We can try to influence the situation or person.
We can physically remove ourselves from the situation or person.
We can change our emotions. And it’s not your emotions about the situation, but in spite of it all.

Sometime the choice is all three, or two of them or just one of them. And if you can only choose one, I hope you choose the third one. Because that’s the only one that will change the trajectory of your life.

“We own 51% of our inner emotions, feelings, attitudes, responses and spirit. We have final responsibility for these things inside of us. We have final control, authority and choice as to continuing with our usual inner emotional choices or choose and learning to change them.” *

Ultimately, we choose our emotional response and physical behavior, despite whatever the situation is. Something else addressed is happiness and the concept of looking to someone else or circumstances for our happiness means they or it have the power to take it away. Some say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. The great thing about this life is that it’s never too late to make new choices. It’s never too late to know that tomorrow can be different.

Philippians 4:11-13 Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, through the one. who gives me strength.

Reading this book, asking the Lord to show me what I need to learn from this, helped me so much. This knowledge is something that helped me not only cope with the passing of my dad but deal with circumstances and people in a new way and in a new light. I applied this in all areas of my life.

And while I am not where I want to be, I have come a long way.

*excerpt is taken from the book by Dr. William Lantz and Connie Lantz titled The 51% Principle: Taking Control over Your Response to Life. The book is not easily found in bookstores but copies are readily available on Amazon.

Dad at his favorite place with a good book

Christianity · Coping · God · Hope · Marriage

the cope

March 26, 2018 MrsInT-TownLeave a comment

The latter part of 2016 my life changed forever. My dad passed away suddenly of a heart attack.

Over the years I have learned to grieve and to cope. And in the beginning I had done it quite poorly. So as the shock of my dad being gone forever from this earth in this life began to wear off, I was then able to grieve and begin coping. As hard as it was, going back to work forced me to face reality. I could not sit at home, hiding as if this hadn’t happened.

The thing you learn at work is that as much as those you deal with are sympathetic, they still expect you to do your job. That expectation is fair. And slowly but surely I began to do my job better. The crying at work subdued more and more each passing week.

Often I considered how my dad had handled his losses. After his mom died, he kept on working. He had a family to support. And he took time to attend her funeral and over the years took time off to tend to her estate matters. But he pressed on, worked and supported his family.

The great losses we had experienced actually prepared us for the loss of my dad. I know I grieved him the best. The other losses we had struggled to come together. But my dad’s death actually brought my husband and I closer together.

Something else I forced myself to do was stay plugged in. We kept going to our church small group. I have a monthly ladies Bible study group I worked to attend as often as possible. And I even connected with an online Bible study group through Proverbs 31 ministries. We went through many Bible study series over the year. And I looked for ways to help others and not stay so focused on myself.

I only ever allowed myself a short pity party. I’ve found that over the years when something happens, especially when it seems unfair, that I allow myself maybe one night to wallow, complain and pout. But after that it’s over. You let it go and make a conscious effort to choose the right thoughts and attitude. Sometimes it is a hard choice but you can do it.

Charles Swindoll has a quote I like, “Life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.”

Through it all we stayed focused on the word of God.

“You have shown me the path to life.” Psalm 16:11

Christianity · Friendship · God · Hope · Life

it’s been awhile

March 12, 2018March 18, 2018 MrsInT-TownLeave a comment

Recently I shared some old blog posts with some of my Proverbs 31 Bible Study Group. And after some conversation a few of them suggested I start up blogging again.

Sometimes it’s easier share on a blog about the struggles of life because there’s no judgement involved or opinions about well if you did this or that then you’d have a baby. And everyone means well but there are many who genuinely don’t think through their words. And others who hurt you with their lack of words or care.

In the last four years the struggle for kids got harder, we faced more loss and it certainly wreaked havoc on my marriage, friendships and health. Until I made the choice to not let it run me, my emotions and just choose differently. We took a break from trying and just focused on us. The plan was in place to try again in the fall after our family trip to Florida.

But a week after we got home from that trip my dad died. And everything changed. That was the start of a whole new journey of life without dad.

So as time goes on I will fill in the pieces of what that has meant.

Stay tuned…

Christianity · God · Health · Hope · Life · Miscarriage · TTC

perspective

May 11, 2014May 12, 2014 MrsInT-TownLeave a comment

It’s wee early hours of the morning on Mother’s Day and I can’t sleep.

I confess part of me wanted to have a pity party and, well, so I did. On this day last year we were expecting and going to church knowing this was incredible. We knew a year later others would know because we’d be taking a little one to church with us and getting those family photos taken. Sometimes things don’t turn out as expected. There are moments in time when you see neglectful parents or hear stories of harmful parents when you just think it’s simply not fair. There are parents out there that just don’t genuinely care about their kids. It is especially when see a young woman videoing and trying to glamorize her “positive abortion story”. She brags about being able to create a life and then how she chooses to end it because she just isn’t ready to be a parent. When you see the three-minute eighteen second video she made about it I just don’t see how it was in any way positive.

Psalms 139:13-14 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.

So when the pity party wants to start I stop myself and get some perspective. I remember I have friends that have tried longer than I have for kids and despite no results they still trust the Lord with all their hearts. I remember I still have friends that just want to get married and have a spouse to love but they’ve never given up on God. I remember the friend whose husband died tragically too young last year and she’s left a widow with two boys to raise and she still loves the Lord. I remember the girl who found out her husband was molesting their kids and turned him in to the police and because of God’s grace she is getting through it. And you know what? I realize my life isn’t a rough as my pity party would have it out to be.

John 10:10 The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows).

But then I remember that the Lord answers prayers and He has a perfect time for all things. For as long as I can remember I have prayed for my husband and his career, I guess roughly the last three to four years. Many years ago he wanted to make some career changes and ultimately we felt like him going back to school would help impact that. So we agreed together that him getting his masters would be the plan. For him it would take sacrificing fun on weekends and evenings for school work. For me it would mean an incredible amount of patience and understanding that his time with me would be limited. A little over two years later he was done and graduated. Just recently and within a year of his graduation a new job was offered to him and honestly the way it came up was by no normal means. We really believe that God directed that job to him and we are still in awe of His timing with it. Seeing and knowing that is the reminder we need to know the God is in control of our lives and our destiny should you choose to let him lead you in steps.

Psalms 25:5 Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you.

Matt Redman has a song that we sing at church called ‘”Never Once” and it’s been a song I find myself listening to quite often these days. I hope that it will help whomever might be reading this. No matter what is going on, how bleak the outlook might be or how frustrating things may seem I urge you to sit and ponder the perspective. While my timing and God’s don’t always align, His will always be better. When I sit down and think of all the things God has done in my life there is no more room for a silly pity party. I may not be celebrating Mother’s Day the way I had expected I would this year but I suppose I could celebrate if I wanted to because there’s a little soul in heaven that calls me mom.

As the day progressed I had so many girlfriends who made it a point to reach out to me. And again I am just blown away by the amazing women I am surrounded by. If you haven’t read about the great group of friends I have check out this post from January called My People. With the outpouring of love came an obvious downpour of tears. Bittersweet tears because there’s a level of joy in how many people thought of me on Mother’s Day but the sadness the overall outcome in the last year was far from what we expected.

I am bound and determined that no matter how my story ends, I will let nothing separate me from God.

1 Corinthians 2:9 No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him.

Romans 8:30 And having chosen them, he called them to come to him. And having called them, he gave them right standing with himself. And having given them right standing, he gave them his glory. Nothing Can Separate Us from God’s Love.

“Never Once”

Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Christianity · Friendship · God · Life · Marriage

my funny valentine

February 14, 2014February 14, 2014 MrsInT-Town3 Comments

As sad as it sounds, it seems being married to same person after nearly 13 years is seen as an accomplishment nowadays. My parents have been married two years longer than I’ve been alive and my husbands parents about a year longer than he’s been alive. One critical element of a marriage is making the choice to love your spouse, even when you don’t feel like it or maybe when they might have just behaved in a manner that doesn’t tempt one to continue with that choice, but you do it anyway.

On my wedding day in 2001, I wasn’t nervous, scared or second guessing my decision. In fact, I was at complete peace. Everything that day went smoothly and while I wish I could remember more details I do remember having a lot of fun, having so many wonderful family and friends there and marrying the man who would eventually become my ultimate best friend. And thankfully because of Don C Harris Photography, I have two amazing albums of photo memories from that wonderful day.

I can’t imagine I’ve always been just awesome to be married to. I can be obstinate, headstrong, determined, over organized, over detailed and l love being right. Years ago, I happened to overhear someone make a rude comment about my marriage and who “ran the show”. It hurt deeply but on some levels they were right. And ever since I’ve worked to tame my bossy ways. I am not always successful but I’ve learned a lot and have focused on being an active participant in my marriage relationship and looking to my husband to lead the way. There is always room for improvement and so my quest to aim towards the Proverbs 31 wife continues. I am so blessed to be a part of a church the gives us great resources, a Bible study groups with Godly women friends and mentors and quenching my thirst to learn more through reading too.

Something you must know is that after all these years my husband is still the person I want to be with the most. I love spending time with him even if it’s just simply sitting down together to watch a TV program we both enjoy. We have enjoyed so many adventures together through our marriage. I always look forward to the next part of my day when I leave work and head home to my sweet husband for whatever outing or event we may have lined up for the evening.

My husband never ceases to amaze me. He can pretty much recollect any type of random fact or state about any sport from any time frame. As a political science major in college he’s a complete junky for history and the constitution. For those who know me from my political endeavors and involvement you have him to thank. Because of him I was always kept abreast of the ongoing until I myself dove head first in too. This amazing husband of mine managed to work a full-time job, complete his masters in the evenings through an online program and yet still have time to work on political campaigns, date his wife and still get a good night’s rest. No easy feat. Mind you he finished his masters program with a cumulative 3.8 GPA.

Years ago we went to Disneyworld with my family. We were at one of the Disney water parks one day and a really tall older guy walked by. The guy was wearing his swim trunks, flip flops, his hair was all messed up and had his t-shirt just flung over his should and he was walking around like he was looking for someone or something. My husband said something like hey that’s so and so from the 1970 NBA Lakers team. And proceeded to then give me some stats about the Lakers that year. My jaw just dropped and I asked him how he ever knew that? He wasn’t even alive in 1970! He just shrugged and said I don’t know I just do.

He is a very laid back and somewhat quiet person. At first that is. Until you he gets to know you. Then all bets are off. He’s bound to marvel with you an interesting story or fact or keep you in stitches laughing as he thoroughly entertains you with his comedic ways.

Once my dad, husband and I went to Abuelo’s for lunch after church thinking my mom hadn’t been feeling well and didn’t make it to church that Sunday. Turns out she had attended the 10 am service, oops. We had gone to the 9am. And she also dislikes Mexican food. Why? I don’ t know and it’s quite unfortunate. So dad indicated he might be in the dog house for not realizing mom had wanted to join us for lunch and we were somewhere she hated. Dilemma! He asked us if we thought he ought to stop by Panera on the way home and get mom lunch there. I of course agreed that would be good. Aaron, my husband, opted to take this a step further in helping dad out of the dog house. He looked at him and said, “Garry, after you go to Panera then head over to Johnny Carino’s and get her a piece of lemon cake.” My mother loved this lemon cake and quite possibly cried when they stopped serving it years back. I can’t even begin to explain this lemon cake dessert they had but she loved this stuff. So Aaron proceeds to say this, “In fact, one lemon cake gets you out of the dog house. But two lemon cakes should get you a night of unbridled passion.” I’ll let you guess what dad did. But I will say for possibly the next two years my mom’s friends would mention the lemon cake story anytime I saw them!

A common occurrence in my life, as Aaron’s wife, is my girlfriend’s constantly coming up to me remarking about how funny my husband is on Facebook. In fact they love to watch out for what he might say next. As you may imagine by this point we are usually never lacking in dull moments in our home. I can always rely on my husband to sit back with enjoy a laugh or chuckle.

But there are other things you may not know about him. He has an incredible passion for music. Don’t doubt for a moment that man can rock an air guitar like nobody’s business. Over the course of our life thus far together we have been to some pretty amazing concerts – Coldplay, Dave Matthews Band, Snow Patrol, U2, Celine Dion, Zac Brown Band, Badly Drawn Boy, Bon Jovi, Hillsong and not Jason Mraz because that concert was terrible! We have Kings of Leon and Bruno Mars planned out so far this year. He’s gotten me hooked on listening to ALT NATION on satellite radio too.

He is also a good doggie dad too. Everyday he comes home and plays with both our dogs. He might chase them around or just mess with them for a little bit giving them his undivided attention. I know it’s part of why they adore him and love to follow him around. This leads into what a fun and sometimes hilarious uncle he’s been over the years. I think part of why men can sometimes revert back to seeming like an adult child is part of God’s plan for them to be a parent that can play and engage with children. He is always ready to be silly with or play games with our nieces, nephews and god-children or even just help out.

Seeing him when them gives me every bit of confidence I need to know someday he will be an amazing dad.

I was 23 and he was 28 when we married. In many ways we have grown up together. Lord knows we’ve matured considerably and thankfully. Sometimes we’ve learned the hard way and sometimes we’ve been able to avert a potential crisis through prayer and wisdom. Together we have weathered good times and bad. We have cried together and other times laughed so hard we’ve cried. We have both deepened our own personal relationship with God over these past 12+ years too. And make no mistake, we are better off because of that. We’ve not been without trying times so bad we almost broke but by the grace of God we have made it through and become stronger.

My husband is the man who motivates me to continually strive to be a better person. I am so thankful for the husband God has blessed me with. After all these years choosing to love him is easier and sometimes effortless. The me you know, the me who writes this is better because of this amazing man in my life. If you don’t know him well yet, you should because he brings out the best in all of us.

They say behind every good man is a great woman. But it should be said that behind every good woman is a great man.

Christianity · God · Health · Hope · Life · Marriage · Miscarriage · TTC

God’s timing

February 5, 2014 MrsInT-TownLeave a comment

Many years ago a loved one in my life “warned” me not to wait too long before having children. Recently I have found myself doing the same thing and for that I apologize. When they said that to me it actually cut pretty bad. I think it was probably said with the best of intentions however it can imply a lot of things. That I am asking for a harder time by waiting? Or is something wrong with me because I didn’t want children when you thought I should?

Here’s the thing, who am I or you to question God’s timing for our lives?

I’ve mentioned previously that the baby bug never really hit me until I wasn’t pregnant anymore. What I omitted is how I had questioned the whole motherhood thing – period. Only because I had felt like something was wrong with me because I didn’t get that baby bug in my 20’s or even my early 30’s. It bothered me. So much so for about two years in my early 30’s I began to pray for the Lord to give it to me if I was even supposed to have it. And well, it never came; not until I wasn’t pregnant anymore.

The conclusion really is this – the Lord put in my heart when I was supposed to have it. Now just because that doesn’t jive with someone’s opinion or a doctor’s recommended about ideal times to start a family it doesn’t bother me anymore. If you have a problem with when I came down with this baby bug, take it up with the big guy upstairs.

There’s an incredible amount of patience required in the time frame I live in now. It’s that place where God’s given you this incredible urge, peace and purpose for the next steps in your life. But you’re in limbo. You sit waiting for the element of that plan to fall into place. At times I find myself just flat out asking Him, when is my timing and yours going to connect Lord? I am here, I am ready, the husband is ready, there’s a room ready, when is this all going to get going?

About two months ago I was very nervous and scared about having a very intrusive and what turned out to be incredibly painful test done. After a certain period of time goes by for a TTC’er her OB subjects her to the HSG test, or what some may refer to as the dye test. The clinical explanation is a catheter is inserted into one’s cervix and pumps a dye into her fallopian tubes all while being watched on an x-ray machine to determine if there are any blockages. If they find anything they are able add more pressure and use the dye to push out the blockage. Sounds simple enough right? Except for that part where there are no stir ups or anything for a woman to properly be in this position. Or the part where she’s then asked to lift her hips up during the procedure and move them from side to side while in this makeshift contraption so that the dye can flow to each side. There had a been a mention of light cramping. Uh no. Hello. Light nothing!

Needless to say that experience was horrible and despite the relief of getting the “nothing is wrong with you” prognosis I still just felt so incredibly frustrated. Nothing is wrong with me Lord! What is going on? That’s when a first for me happened. I had heard about this before but I confess never had experienced it. That still small voice you hear people talk about. It said, “I’ve got this“. That was it but it was so much.

When the moments of frustration, not understanding and the crying because life isn’t fair hit, I refer back to what I know. God’s got this. It was Him who awakened the desire when He did. And in the end it’ll be Him that answers our prayers at the right time and all the pieces will fit together.

Joel Osteen said this is a recent email devo:

“In our culture today, people are used to getting things right away. Some people say that we live in a “microwave” society. In other words, we’ve been programmed for immediacy. People don’t like to wait. But the scripture says, “It’s through faith and patience that we inherit God’s promises.”

Sometimes, it’s easy for people to start out in faith. We declare, “God, I believe I’m going to accomplish my dreams. God, I believe I’m going to overcome this obstacle.” But, it gets harder when we have to walk in patience. When you pray, can you say, “God, I not only believe for big things but I trust Your timing? God, I’m not going to get discouraged if it doesn’t happen immediately. I’m not going to give up because it’s taken a week, a month or five years. I know the set time is already in my future, so I’m going to wait with faith and patience because I know that it’s on the way.”

Remember, through faith and patience we inherit His promises. Trust His Word, trust His timing, and trust that your answer is on its way!”

Psalms 62:1-2 I wait quietly before God for my victory comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will never be shaken.

Philippians 1:6 And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.

Ephesians 3:20 Now all the glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.

Luke 4:19 And that the time of the Lord’s favor has come.

Habakkuk 2:3 This vision is for a future time. It describes the end and it will be fulfilled, if it seems slow in coming, wait patiently, for it will surely take place, it will not be delayed.

Hebrews 6:12 Imitate those who through faith and patient inherit what has been promised.

Christianity · Friendship · God · Hope · Life · Miscarriage · TTC

the day I cried into my maxi pad

January 31, 2014 MrsInT-Town3 Comments

Now that I have your complete and undivided attention…

Over the course of my life I have been blessed with two important friends. I supposed now I can call them life long friends and definitely best friends. Depending on when in life you might have met me will depend on which of these lovely legal eagles you know.

The first one I have known since elementary school and we sat in the same Sunday school class through junior high and were not, I repeat not, friends. One summer our parents, who apparently had become well acquainted with each other in their Sunday school class, decided to send us to camp together for a week at Shepherd’s Fold Ranch. Neither of us as it turns out were particularly excited about our parents plan for us. We get to camp and find out that everyone else there that week all knew each and went to school together at Metro Christian Academy. I’m certain we were the only two gals there that week that didn’t attend Metro. And since everyone knew everyone no one seemed to feel the impetus to include us in the action initially. So despite her and I thinking each other as some sort of snob we quickly decided the other wasn’t as bad as the rest of them. We’ve stayed close ever since. In fact, she was an easy addition to my family growing up. People always thought we were sisters because I do have three sisters and she looked like she fit right in!

When you’ve known someone since the days of the onset of hormones and puberty they’ve had an intimate and up close glimpse at your finest and worse moments. Not to mention the worst zits of your life. They’ve seen you at your worst and your best times. I mean we endured high school together. Sure it was at different schools but still high school and then even college. I am confident I was harder on her at time than she ever was at me but for some reason that girl stuck it out and has stayed friends with me all this time. Even times when I didn’t deserve it.

The second friend and I met working at a summer camp together. I guess camp is a common theme here. It was the summer after our freshman year in college. I thought she was a snob because she had gone to Holland Hall and she in turn thought I was a snob because I went to Victory Christian. Somewhere over the course of the summer we softened up about each other. I can recall thinking at the end of the summer how bummed out I was because we were just now only getting to know each and discovering we did indeed like each other and got along quite well. Thanks to Al Gore (kidding) and the invention of the internet which brought upon electronic mail (I believe we now call that email) we began to keep in touch. Over the years we grew closer and once we both completed college we landed in the same town, grew roots and began life as adults. Eventually we both ended up in a great place where we lived just miles apart, our husbands got along splendidly and we even went to the same church. Our lives intersected and intertwined beautifully.

Without going into all the specifics both of these friends ended up as lawyers. Except that the first friend ending up landing roots in the Edmond, OK area instead of Tulsa. So she’s a good one and a half hours away but nowhere close enough to sneak over for quick visits in the evenings. Why the Lord put two lawyers in my life it yet to be determined, I hope I never need them in their professional capacity!

Both of these ladies have stepped out into motherhood ahead of me too. And both excel as expected in this area of their lives just like everything else they do.

Needless to say when you have a miscarriage these are the people you instinctively first reach out to. However in my case for me, like I have mentioned previously, all the emotional stuff took a lot longer to come out because of all the initial physical pain and side affects of an ectopic miscarriage. It took a good six weeks or more for me to begin to feel the sadness. The danger in that is that everyone thought I was okay, including myself.

That’s where the devil comes in. You know that rat – the guy that has intention other than to kill, steal and destroy (John 10:10). The jerk that wants to take all opportunities to drive a wedge between us and God or any other Godly influences.

Not too long after we miscarried, friend two was blessed with a surprise pregnancy. Because of certain complications it ended up being somewhat high risk and was stressful for her and her husband. And not too much later friend number one ended up with a surprise pregnancy too.

Yeah I know what you’re thinking, hey God why can’t those surprise pregnancies keep going around a little more? Well God isn’t President Obama and isn’t just going to spread the wealth because some want Him to. He has His own timing for us all.

Isaiah 30:18 So the Lord must wait for you to come to Him so He can show you his love and compassion. For the Lord is a faithful God.

So here we are all needing each other but on opposite ends of the spectrum. The devil is loving this now – more opportunity to pick away at us individually. I can tell you it’s really hard to be super happy, excited and there for your friend even if they are going through a challenging pregnancy. It becomes a choice at times because I promise you don’t always “feel” like doing that.

However there are going to be moments you have to learn to just be a little selfish. It might mean reaching out to another friend who can relate better for a season too. It never means you don’t love that friend or want the best for them. There will be occasions where your grief is just too overwhelming. I can also assure you there will also be opportunities to become incredibly angry and even jealous.

This is where brutal legit honesty coming into play can help you. Have you ever found it’s easier to more honest in a text than sometimes on the phone or even speaking with someone face to face? If you can’t handle the baby stuff tell you friend you can’t make it and it is completely okay to say why.

I made the initial mistake of not being upfront and honest. I withdrew. A lot.

In retrospect, some of that made a bad situation worse. Because feeling so completely alone when you are used to having a ‘go to’ friend is really hard.

Friend number one ended up going to a doctor appointment to find no heartbeat. That’s when you just wanna yell at the devil, “You suck!”. She didn’t deserve that. It was not fair. They had just told their other three kids another baby was coming and now they have got to do undo that. Sure I’ve not had to do that myself but I am confident that’s no easy undertaking.

Then friend number two ends up in the hospital. It ended up with the baby being delivered early, via emergency c-section at about 31.5 weeks. Well hell is what you’re thinking right? I know I was. That’s not fair either.

Life is not fair and the devil sucks. I love these ladies, they didn’t deserve this, none of us did.

Friend number one and I had never quite disconnected heavily. She confided in me privately she was pregnant initially and just put it out there because she didn’t want to hide it from me even though she knew it would be hard for me. I am sure she was really nervous to do that too. When the heartbeat was gone, I know she knew I understood her pain and her heartache. I want as few people as possible to ever know what that mess feels like. While she and I can relate on the heartache I can’t imagine what it’s like to put on a happy face and go be a parent everyday all the while inside you’re heart broken. Not too long after that she confided in me again. She was pregnant! The Lord has His timing and it’s never for me to question why her before me but I promise you I was genuinely happy for her and I pray for her to have a full term safe and easy pregnancy with a perfectly healthy child. I think it’s another boy!

Friend number two and I had this strange uncomfortable disconnect. Some of it I helped create by withdrawing and then in her attempts to not make me more sad she didn’t keep me posted on her life anymore.

That leads me to the day I cried into my maxi pad. What’s that? Oh you thought I just said that to you get attention? Oh no, I wouldn’t throw such a preposterous phrase out there without it being true!

Going through a miscarriage and having your everyday go to person not at your side completely sucks. But thankfully I am guilty of being honest in my text messages. After my due date passed the conversation of it came up, in texts of course. We just kind of laid things out there. There are was sense of finality for me that had begun. My due date had come, gone and I handled it okay. Her son was finally out of the NICU after 50 plus days and they were settling into a new routine at home with four kiddos. Both of these happening at the beginning of a new year.

Text began flying one day and the honesty flowed. This process of course for me brought on tears. Work is not the ideal place to be when something like that happens and I work with a majority of men. They are all great but obviously not a fitting place for excessive tears. And man I had the side affects of tears, headaches. In the end it’s all worth it. We got it out all out on the table. How everything felt no matter how hard it was to say.

Matthew 6:15 But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.

1 Kings 8:50 Forgive your people who have sinned against you. Forgive all the offenses they have committed against you.

The next day I realized I was at a pivotal point. I had a choice make. The choice before me was to forgive everything about this entirely awkward situation and move on or to stay mad and be a pawn for the devil. You remember that guy, the one that sucks. I know I could be more eloquent but this is me and he really does suck.

I was driving near downtown Tulsa headed to a meeting and the tears came back. Yikes. Mind you I am heading to a meeting! And I began frantically searching my car for a napkin. Notoriously and deliberately I grab a huge stack of napkins every time I ever stop inside QuikTrip as an emergency stash. And on this day, on my way to an important meeting there is not a napkin to be found. Alas I did find a maxi pad, randomly, out of nowhere! I buckled. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I opened it open and began to wipe my tears away. It sopped them up pretty darn well.

So there you have it. The day I cried into my maxi pad. But it was also the day I chose forgiveness. And when you make the choice the Lord rewards you with a sense of freeness and overwhelming love. That day it was immediate. I felt a heavy weight just lifted off my soul that day. A deeper love not just for Him but for those people in your life that also choice to love and forgive you despite your weaknesses. I let it all go that day. Every mean or inappropriate comment ever made to me. The little things people had done that offended me. The grudges I harbored because people weren’t there for me like I had needed. And most importantly not understanding why my timing wasn’t God’s timing.

And people this is life. It doesn’t always go the way we planned and intended. And you can’t hide out and avoid the hard things, not forever. I read a blog post recently of a woman trying to conceive. She mentioned she had deactivated her Facebook account for months because it was just too hard. On one hand I understand that but on the other, for me, I have to deal. Sure my Facebook newsfeed is chalked full of newborns but I choose to deal. I refuse hideout anymore and instead I will take the perspective of that’s going to be me someday.

2 Corinthians 3:17 For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.

1 John 4:19 We love each other because he loved us first.

Christianity · Friendship · God · Hope · Life · Marriage · Miscarriage · TTC

due date

January 13, 2014 MrsInT-TownLeave a comment

January 12, 2014

That was my due date.

My hope, even expectation, was that I’d be pregnant again by the time that day arrived. I think I thought that might make it easier. I know it seemed like my friends who got pregnant right away didn’t have any sadness anymore because they had another little one to look forward to. However that was not to be for me. The week leading up to this day was a bit emotional for me at times and I certainly wasn’t sure what to expect.

Psalm 113:9 “He gives the childless woman a family,making her a happy mother. Praise the Lord!”

In an effort be a better communicator and not hide how much I feared that dreaded day I reach out to friend who had been in my position and asked “What did you do when ‘that day’ came?”

Overall it’s going to be different for each person. There are a lot of websites with recommendations on things to do to commemorate the day, even gift suggestions. People all have different ways they want to remember something special. Sometimes it’s too private to even share with anyone other than your spouse.

For me, I knew I didn’t want to be alone. It seems like too often over this journey I was too alone too often – partly because of my own doing and I know that now. There’s been a small group of specific women in my life that I know from years of knowing them and how they’ve preciously handled me I knew I wanted with me. Luckily for me one of them initiated doing something for me. It was important to me to not avoid or ignore what day it was but I also didn’t want to anything solemn or saddening.

After being given a lot of options it seemed like simple was best and frankly more my style. Snacks, a game night and the latest episode of Downton Abbey. Gathered at our old stomping grounds we enjoyed sitting around snacking and chit chatting almost somewhat seeming like old times. Almost everyone was able to come and after a few rounds of games we bunkered down to watch TV. Turns out that night’s episode was quite riveting and possibly the first time any of us had seen any kind of advisory notice prior to beginning. A cause for alarm being that one of the gals had never seen the program before.

No ceremony or tree planting just a simple girls night was fitting. Over the course of the weekend I had received cards, a surprise gift at my doorstep and many texts from friends checking in with me. I was surprised and honored by who all had remembered this day and reached out letting me know I was in their thoughts and prayers. The immense amount of love and support was so incredibly appreciated.

Not everyone is ever going to be able to relate to someone who’s miscarried. Maybe it’s just never happened to you. But when you get to thinking about it we all may have a friend that…

…miscarried but got pregnant again right

…miscarried but didn’t get pregnant by her due date

…has undergone IUI or IVF only to miscarry

…has undergone IUI or IVF unsuccessfully

…has children, tried for more and miscarried

…has children, tried for more, miscarried and is pregnant again but plagued with fear something else might go wrong

…has had a miscarriage, had a child and trying for more but nothing

…is married to a man who is completely sterile and refuses to consider donor sperm or even adoption

…who married late in life with a smaller window for kids

…that still has yet to meet Mr. Right

No matter what the situation it’s probable you’ll never be able to fully relate to your friend. Regardless, telling your friend how sorry you are is always okay, in fact it’s good. A big hug and I’m sorry can always bridge the gap of being unable to relate. And if you’ve seen that their miscarriage has been hard on them I would certainly recommend remembering their due date. Something as simple as a text on that day will mean the world to your friend. If you’ve got an army of godly women at your disposal in your group of friends, getting them to surround that friend in love on their due is also highly suggested.

Thank you to everyone who went out of their way to remember me and my husband. Your friendship and support mean so much. We remain steadfast in hope with expectation of a good year in 2014.

Psalms 71:14 But I will keep on hoping for your help; I will praise you more and more.

Christianity · Friendship · God · Life · Marriage

my people

January 11, 2014 MrsInT-TownLeave a comment

The year was 2004 and we had just moved back to Tulsa, OK.

Even though we were coming home it seemed somewhat like starting over. All our family is here and many long time friends. That move back was about taking our lives in the direction that the Lord has for us and we knew we were supposed to back home in Tulsa.

Tulsa is the buckle of the Bible belt and I say this with an immense amount of pride. It hosts Oral Roberts University and in its suburban community Rhema Bible College. Those two schools draw in believers from all over the world. Some come and then leave again while others fall in love with Tulsa, stay and plant roots. The county of Tulsa hosts not just the city but some thriving and growing suburbs one to which I now call home.

Reconnecting with old friends was wonderful but there was something in addition God had in store for me that I couldn’t have anticipated. A gal I knew invited me to a ladies Bible study that met monthly. It took a little while and I kept going back each month but eventually I learned to open up communicate and develop friendships with the women in that group. And over the years I invited some of the people in my life to come.

Each month we would visit together and then eventually settle down to review a lesson. Then we would conclude with a time of prayer requests and praise reports. In those moments we all became our most vulnerable. It’s when you disclose to someone else what you’re struggling with or a challenge or setback your family is working to overcome. We have talked about it all, everything the devil might throw at us, every fiery dart. There have been times of great sadness and we have cried together but also times of incredible joy at the answer to prayer or the announcement of an engagement! Everyone has always maintained a deep sense of privacy regarding what we discuss on those Monday nights. I’ll say the Vegas concept – what happens at ladies group stays at ladies group. There is a closeness and shared kindred spirit with the people you spend time like this with. A connection you have with a fellow believer.

From time to time we have taken breaks for the month and had game nights. A moment to just fellowships with fun or silly games and a load of pretty awesome snacks. The notorious homemade salsa and yummy hummus are a must! We’ve been know to overload on too much real Coke letting the late night caffeine and sugar overtake us with silliness.

Women from all walks of life have come and gone from our group. Sometimes it is due to the phase of life they are in. If someone is a newlywed or has kids involved in lots of after school activities they disappear for periods of time but reappear as their schedule permits and life transitions happen. Or maybe they might just only make to our crazy Christmas potluck that we subject our husbands to as well! Every now and then someone moves away and through the joys of social media like Facebook it’s become easier to stay in touch.

Some of the core group however always remains the same. And after almost ten joyous years of knowing them women I can tell you I am better because of them.

They are the friends that…

…tell you no that really doesn’t look good on you or it really does

…there’s food in your teeth

…tell you your hair is a wreck or it looks fabulous

…tell you have you have unrealistic expectations of your marriage or spouse

…will say if you are being too hard on yourself and you need to look at all the positives

…hug you when you cry and let you begin to cry uncontrollably if need be

…jump for joy and scream with excitement over your good news

…notice you have lost a few pounds and compliment you on it

…will randomly call you and tell you the Lord put you on their heart and they are praying for you

…are able to answer a phone call or text and help you with a tricky situation

…encourage you to be brave when you are afraid and show you in the Word were to go to continue trusting God

…they get you

…can reconnect with you if you haven’t each for some time and pick up right where you left off

…love you despite your flaws and look at all the good things about you

…you know when they say they will pray for you they mean it and you’ve got a prayer partner

…might not understand a choice you made but won’t judge you for it and turn their back on you

…set beautiful examples of what a Godly wife and mother, showing you that you too can be this

…give you a slight glimpse into the magnitude of God’s love for us

…will never give up on you

…make you want to always work to be a better person, wife, mother, friend, etc.

…schedule girls nights when great chick flicks come out

…work together group trips out of town if Joyce Meyer is nearby

…plan caravans to Camp Dry Gulch for COTM ladies fall retreats

…orchestrate crazy fireworks night on Independence Day

…host infamous Super Bowl parties

…would know that everyone else is cool sometimes with just ringing in the new year with the people in NCY so we can get to bed early

…could up with the most bizarre dirty Santa Christmas gifts that have become legendary

…plan whacky and fun adventures

…end up switching from one Mazzio’s to the next to find the right one for Sunday night pizza

…but above all are there for you at your best and worst moments with a prayer and a verse to suit the situation

These are my people. The deep friendships that have developed over the almost last ten years are far greater than I could have ever imagined or asked for. I may not always say how much I love you guys but I do so much! I am so thankful for you and it’s such an honor and pleasure to call you friend. It is my hope that everyone has the opportunity to have a group of women in their life like this.

Proverbs 27:17 As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.

Proverbs 18:24 There are “friends” who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother.

Proverbs 26:7 Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy.

Proverbs 27:9 The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense.

Proverbs 31:10-31 Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies. Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She finds wool and flax and busily spins it. She is like a merchant’s ship, bringing her food from afar. She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household and plan the day’s work for her servant girls. She goes to inspect a field and buys it; with her earnings she plants a vineyard. She is energetic and strong, a hard worker. She makes sure her dealings are profitable; her lamp burns late into the night. Her hands are busy spinning thread, her fingers twisting fiber. She extends a helping hand to the poor and opens her arms to the needy. She has no fear of winter for her household, for everyone has warm clothes. She makes her own bedspreads. She dresses in fine linen and purple gowns. Her husband is well known at the city gates, where he sits with the other civic leaders. She makes belted linen garments and sashes to sell to the merchants. She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness. She carefully watches everything in her household and suffers nothing from laziness. Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her: “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all!” Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised. Reward her for all she has done. Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.