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I was going to take some pictures of all the things around my house that make me happy right now, but my camera had other ideas. It died after taking just one picture – the Christmas Pepper Jelly that I made this morning. It’s my first jelly making and it turned out beautiful. I’m going to try a Spiced Port Wine Jelly tomorrow.

I was going to show you the pictures of my gorgeous Christmas Trees with their vintage lights and ornaments,and my weekend finds at the thrift store. I was even going to show you my Santa Peek-A-Boo toilet cover that Toast made me….but I guess I will blog on the food, which actually makes sense since every minute of my day has been consumed with it. None of it healthy, but all of it yummy!

At 5am I was up making jellies. It was so much fun and I can’t wait to make more. Troy got up around 7am and I made chocolate pancakes with buttercream icing. Sinfully delicious. I found the recipe today when I googled breakfast recipes. You can eat sweets for breakfast as long as you call it pancakes.

We went over to my moms for homemade chicken and noodles and samplings of her homemade Christmas candies. I told my sister-in-law about the pancakes and she mentioned that her grandmother used to make chocolate gravy and serve it over biscuits. I had never heard of “chocolate gravy” but I googled it and sure enough there it was.

We came home about 2pm and finished off the leftover chicken and sour cream quiche that I made last night. I made a batch of Holiday fudge and White chocolate peppermint bark.( I think it’s the first batch of fudge I’ve ever made that turned out.) The boys came home from a weekend with their dad, so I made a dinner. Chicken fried steak, garlic mashed potatoes, cream gravy and green beans. ..yikes my midwest is showing!

I’ve still got three boxes of ingredients sitting on my kitchen table for Christmas Cookies and Candies and as much as I adore spending time in the kitchen, I think I’ll call it a night.

I don’t know how long it will last but I’m trying to embrace this feeling and hold onto it. I woke up this morning loving my body. Thank you Federico Fellini!

I watched Amarcord again last night and found myself complete enamored with these beautiful Italian women. Gorgeous, confident, goddesses, most of whom where pushing a size 14. Did these women hide behind large sweaters and baggy pants? Hell no. They wore form fitting clothing that showed off their voluptuous curves. They felt sexy and it showed.

Being a woman, I of course carefully scrutinized every angle of the leading lady. During the movie I would find myself comparing my arms, my legs, my hips, my chest etc. against this women. I think I dreamt about her last night. This morning I stopped in front of the bathroom mirror. I looked over my naked body, not with contempt as I usually do, but with a new appreciation. I modeled for myself; turned sideways, looked over my back side and for the first tie in a long time I liked what I saw. I felt sexy. I was thankful for the roundness of my shoulders and the shape of my hips. I was Botticelli’s Venus, minus the long hair and it felt wonderful.

The media has done such a wonderful job of making us hate our bodies. We idealize the size 2 women who’s body frankly looks like a teenage boy. If that is your natural body type than good for you. It’s our differences that make us fascinating, but I prefer a woman’s body.

I’m determined to hold on to this mindset…maybe I should only watch vintage Italian movies from now on.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I want to embrace life. Good Wine, Good Food, Good Friends. I’m calling it the Sophia Loren lifestyle.  I imagined looking back over my life and one of the things that stuck out as a huge waste of time, boardering on the ridiculous, was trying to deny myself so that I could hold myself to some ideal, that in truth, didn’t even matter to me. So listen here universe. I love cheese! I love wine! Give me a good bloody steak every once in while. Skip dessert? Hell no, bring on the chocolate. I will enjoy a brisk walk out in the crisp fall air, because of the beauty that surrounds me, not because it will burn 800 calories. I’m having sex with the lights on. I’m holding my head high when I walk past the 20 something blondes at the mall, I may even put a little extra swing in my hips just for effect.
Viva la Venus!

As the great Nelson Algren once said, “Any writer who knows what he’s doing isn’t doing very much.” Most really good fiction is compelled into being. It comes from a kind of uncalculated innocence. You need not have your ending in mind before you commence. Indeed, you need not be certain of exactly what’s going to transpire on page 2. If you know the whole story in advance, your novel is probably dead before you begin it. Give it some room to breathe, to change direction, to surprise you. Writing a novel is not so much a project as a journey, a voyage, an adventure. – Tom Robbins

I found this quote on Grace’s sight today and I wanted to post it so I wouldn’t lose it. I’m not a writer, but that quote makes me feel like I could be!

I am so blessed to be alive, right here, right now. I refuse to take that for granted or lightly anymore. I’ve spent too many years “playing it safe.” I’ve walked in the rain with my umbrella, when what I really longed to do was dance in my bare feet. I passed on the rich chocolate dessert, so that I could maintain someone else’s idea of a perfect body. I’ve given a smile and a nod while I held myself back from reaching out and offering a great big bear hug. I’ve turned the music down in my car when what I really wanted to was open the window, turn up the dial and sing along at the top of my lungs. I’ve pulled the gray pants suit out my closet when I wanted to wear the bright colorful flowing skirt. TASTE, SEE, SMELL, TOUCH, LISTEN – LAUGH. Live life passionately.

We’ve had a kid staying with us for the last few days. I didn’t realize his circumstances and now that I do it’s breaking my heart. My middle son has mild learning disabilities and was in a special classroom setting for 7th and 8th grade. He met “X” in that class and for months that’s all we heard. “X” is so cool. X really watches out for me. X is so funny. X , X, X…then we started hearing things like X doesn’t get anything for Christmas, x doesn’t have a family. X has nobody. I thought maybe my son was exaggerating, which he is prone to. During a teachers conference I asked about X. The teacher told me what a sweet kid he is, she also mention that he had lost his house in a fire and that he was living with his grandmother and indicated that it wasn’t the most stable of environments.

I’m not sure what comes next, but I’m thankful for the wake-up call and am committed to help X as long as he needs it.

If it seems like I’m often posting sad thoughts on my blog, I am. When I’m happy and content. I just enjoy it, I rarely post about it. I use my blog like a journal. A place for me to lay out my emotions and try to make sense of them. Sometimes I can only sort through my feelings by seeing them laid out in black and white.

I’ve been thinking a lot about friendships lately. In my 40 years many have come in to and out of my life. Isn’t it magical when someone comes into your life and your instantly connected to them. Your life is enriched. Someone who makes you laugh, someone you can tell your deepest secrets to and instead of being judged you find understanding.

And isn’t it strange how they quietly fade away.

Lillian Rubin says in her book Just Friends says, “Thus generally it’s true that friends accept each other so long as they both remain essentially the same as they were when they met, or change in similar directions. If they change or grow in different or incompatible ways, the friendship most likely will be lost.”

This statement in the book I was reading tonight broke my heart. People change, they grow in different directions and the friendship that served it’s purpose at the time is eventually outgrown.

It makes me so incredibly sad and even a little angry. How the hell are we supposed to trust friendships when they are so fickle? How do we continue to open up and give ourselves, if the truth is that someday they will take that piece of us and walk out of our lives?

I’m being selfish. I realize that. I have “outgrown” my own past friends as I moved forward on my journey. I guess it’s only fair that I now become the one that is outgrown.

Fuck, I guess my abandoment issues are rearing their ugly assed heads again. (See that’s why I write) I hate being left behind. I hate letting my walls down, allowing someone into my life and then being hurt when they move on. I’ve learned through past healings to love yourself – Alone but not Lonely…BULLSHIT! I don’t want to be alone. I want friends who will come into my life and stay. I want to invest in relationships that I know will last. I want to grow old with my friends. Is that too much to ask from the universe.

I just want some lifelong friends….I guess I still have some growing to do…

“Good Morning V-, Are you excited about pumpkin carving this afternoon?”

It’s going to be a long week….