I have been accepted to Southeast Missouri State. That school holds everything I need to complete my dream of becoming great, whether it’s being an actor or some marketer in a big corporation. I am beyond excited about going, but also very nervous at the same time. However the process of making sure everything is complete and getting all my affairs in order has been strenuous! I can’t really depend on anyone but myself. If I wanted to, everyone seems to be clueless on how to help. It is mind blowing to me how people who have applied to college and have been through this process, find my situation to be unfamiliar to them. And if my question involves someone informing me on how to get another source to help me, they act dumb. I can’t rely on anyone for anything honestly!

Besides the process of me getting paper work together, I also have to consider what I’ll be doing once I’m there. I’m not sure if I’ll want to commit to a fraternity or what club I’ll join. I’m not sure how I’ll go about making new friends and adjusting myself to this new southern setting. And again it’s no help to discuss this with family. None of them have been to a UNIVERSITY. They have the slightest interest in socializing with other individuals nor even posses the interest in going outside their habitat. How do you discuss experiences with people that have never opened their mind to be part of them? How do you listen to opinions about the experiences you are willing to gain, from people who aren’t finished growing up?

Upon all this adjusting and sorting of my duties, I have to submit these forms as soon as possible. I don’t know how soon I’m going to start handling this, but it has to start soon. Or I may screw up this opportunity for a better life.

It’s unknown things that still have me wondering

It’s unsatisfied memories that I can’t believe

Tell me how you perfected the game you used to play me

When searching for an opponent, what made you choose me

I’ve got questions on my mind

Like why you push me behind

When I put you above all the things that had meaning to me

I’d understand if we were just friends and went with the flow

Messed around, and have no one know

But you treated me like a ratchet hoe, meant to be fucked with on the low

I saw the signs, but acted like I didn’t know

I chose to focus on your good and not on the low blows

I’ve got questions on my mind

Like why push me behind

When I put you above all the things that had meaning to me

Make sure to clarify the others you chose over me

The ones with the advantage over me

I can’t let go of the possibilities

Which apparently weren’t meant to be

Nahh…

Perhaps those were something you just didn’t want to have with me

My day to day life consists of me living inside my head. What does that mean? It’s about me wondering when I’ll find “the one” and how long will it take. I analyze my actions from the past and try to understand why I’ve ended up int he state I’m in now. No I am not ashamed! I don’t know if I’ve reached that point in my life that I’m that unhappy with myself versus the situations in life that are being dealt to me. I just wonder…is it me that’s making me the way I am, making me feel alone? Or is it the “universe” that’s shaping me into the man I need to be, in order to survive the battles I know nothing about. That’s what living in my head means. I use to force myself to believe that I was thinking on a higher level about life in general, when really I was and am second guessing myself. At least that’s what the therapist told me. I don’t know honestly. Me “living inside my head” has become a nightmare and depressing. I don’t like the time loop that my brain is stuck in. Replaying old memories and painful experiences, I don’t approve! Hearing the voices of those who doubted me and the words I said and shouldn’t have…I still don’t approve. My mental is a disturbing place to be at this point in my life. No I’m not suicidal, I’m just over it. If only you could understand why…

1. Them! Sad to say I miss them. Know not of who “them” are, but that they have left an imprint on my existence. The games they use to run on me, lies and verbal penetrations to my heart, the chase. I miss it. It was called Attention. The only gift they gave me, attention. Although they used my loyalty as currency for their existence in my life, I made sure to receive my attention. Honestly I never had much and wasn’t willing to lose the only thing I possessed. So to say I gave them my all would be misleading and kind of cliche. However for one individual, I didn’t necessarily give away myself, which is the on;y thing I had, but I…reformed. I altered my attire, my attitude, the way I presented myself. I masked my femininity with my masculinity! I at least tried to become what this certain individual wanted. I wanted them to look at me with the same admiration and dedication, that I had for them! But “fuck that” they said. “Fuck It All” their demeanor would yell loud and clearly. But my ears nor eyes accepted that as an answer. I was damned if I didn’t make myself noticed or accepted. And damned I was, sitting there looking silly and stupid when I found out that they had choice another fool over me! Embarrassment sat on my face when I had accepted that I was only meant to be in their world when their other hoes didn’t respond to their messages.This is an example of the shit that rumbles through my brain cells and replicates the scenes for other generations of cells to know of. And as for the other “them’s”, they ignored me when I tried to tell them my truth. They called me names and jumped me when I tried to move on with my life. Oh, and they also swiped left on Tinder when my profile showed up. Them fuckers didn’t ever give me a chance to show them the real me. They belittled my emotions and thoughts about their actions, and shot me a quick “idgaf” text with hopes that I’d read it and have nothing to say as a come back.
2. I don’t want to make it seem as if my situation with family is any more important than the next person. BUT……..yea…..I’m done. I refuse to not only have to deal with the hate of strangers and their kin, but also those of family who only sees the “shame” I may bring upon my family for my interest in penis. It’s sad that in american society that it’s a real thing for family members to disown members who are gay. And it all of a sudden a norm…I don’t think so! I will never deny what brings passion to my heart just to make another person happy or even want to check and see if I’m still alive! And I truly hope that no one in the world actually considers that as an option in life. I say “Fuck em”! Fuck them all left, right, upside, and around. There is only a handful of people in my family that I honestly consider to have helped raise me as a whole. They have given me insight on life and have truly given me new eyes to see everyone for who they really are. And I thank them. But if any of them thinks that I need them…..then reread a few sentences I just wrote. My independence has brought me a looooong way, and has taken me on tours that the average 15, 16, or 17 year old shouldn’t have to necessarily go on. But I don’t regret it. Sadly I know the time is coming for me to have to dim the lights on a few of them, when it comes for my time to shine and start my new journey in life.
3. I’m sooooo freaking nervous about college. I am excited about going, however I know that i’m not ready. I haven’t grown to the state I may need to be at in order to make it on my own in a new environment. It’s mainly my attitude I’m worried about. Well not only me but also, my mother, teacher, friends, a few strangers that come through my line at work. Over time, I have realized that my temper has gotten shorter and shorter. I just don’t have the patience to tolerate any foolishness or anything I don’t feel like dealing with. Yes I’ve been told, in life I’m going to have to deal with things I don’t want to, but really? I want to get better at not walking away from everything I don’t like. And that goes from people, school work, and all sorts of things. I just feel like there’s a lot of clutter in my spirit that I need to get under control before I go off to school. Because once I go to this school that’s 6 hours away, there’s no coming back. At least no coming back with the intentions of staying. I don’t want to put tons of pressure on myself, but I want to make sure my life goals go according to plan once I go to college. I want to join a fraternity or some organization, or make new friends from a weird gay group, and turn up at a wild party. I want to make new memories that won’t cause me harm, mentally.
4. This may be highly inappropriate or uncomfortable for you to read, but I want to have sex so bad right now. I have been inactive for 7 months now and I’m proud honestly! I like the fact that I am thinking about my interactions with people on another level other than screwing them. But I have needs and they haven’t been met by anyone I’ve met in my entire life. If your someone that’s reading this and I told you that “you put it down good”, I just want to say….I LIED. Trying to be funny or hurtful isn’t my intentions right now, but to make the point that me meeting the right person to fulfill my mentally, physically, and emotionally is essential. To say that I know exactly what I want sexually, is impossible. But I know connecting on a mental level and physical level is like one step closer to my good stop. However I will say, lately I haven’t really cared about all the deep stuff when it comes to sex. I just want to bump and grind, roll around, hop back up, and start all over again! That’s another thing I will have to worry about in college. STD’s ain’t no joke!
5. I shouldn’t have to worry about the loyalty of my friends, but it’s been a concern to me a lot lately. Maybe I shouldn’t say it like that, because they have been very good to me and I hope they feel that same about me. I’m going to say that I’m possessive. I don’t like sharing my friends and I don’t like having to remind my friends of that constantly. But I knew I can’t control them! That’s silly. What I do have a problem with is, them conversing with those of irrelevant decent. Basically people I don’t like and that don’t like me. It is friend code to not socialize with the enemy of your friend. I don’t like the laughing and hanging out, all of that foolishness honestly needs to quite. Cut it! They really need to cut it, for the sake of pettiness. But I love my friends with all me heart. It’s going to be hard to find new ones that are just like them in college.
6. Although I am the Petty King of Kansas City, I don’t enjoy being that way all the time. It ain’t nothing for me to make someone look stupid or piss them off, but that only draws another person away from me. I can tell that some people believe that I’m only filled with negativity and drama, when in actuality I’m really not. I just don’t take shit from anything or anyone. Everybody knows I’m wild at the mouth, but I’m also wild spirited. I love to be spontaneous and outgoing. At least I try to be majority of the time, outside of school. I don’t intend to be so guarded and aggressive towards everyone, but when 89% of the people you encounter are on some bullshit sometimes, what do you expect? All I know is, pettiness will get me only so far. And so far I’ve been single and felt alone for a long time partly because of it.
7. The organic shit that I’m on isn’t working! I have been trying for months to embark on this inner peace journey and cleanse myself from the inside and have it displayed on the outside. I wanted to make sure that my efforts for improving myself and my spirit were shown and noticed. But it isn’t going exactly as I expected. I was tired of using retail as therapy because quite frankly, the habit has gotten to be expensive the more irritated I am. And in the end I have nothing to really show for the hard work I’ve done to earn my money. So the Kombucha that I’ve been drinking a lot lately, it runs through me like water in a lake. I can say that it does its job in cleaning out my body system. But after that, I have pratically wasted $6 for nothing. I have tried to read my Daily Bread book, getting insight on the lord, but I guess since I haven’t experienced much in life, I can’t relate. “Starting the day with a smile” is a load of crap! I can’t get jiggy with it. And it’s not as easy as you would expect it to be.

You may say that these are average teenage issues, growing pains even. And that may be true. I don’t know who exactly I was writing to and I don’t really care if anyone reads this or not. The one thing everyone can relate to, is that we all need someone to talk to. We need a method of releasing the clutter that clouds our minds and judgments about life. The reason I’ve chosen to do this is because, I feel that I don’t have anyone to talk to. Well I do, but no one that’ll just sit there and keep their advice to themselves. My method is to just talk and have my feelings and thoughts be accepted and automatically understood, with no questions asked. That person doesn’t exist, here on earth at least. I promote myself as this tough person that’s got it together mentally, NOT. I fly above the crying and pouting day in and out. It’s beneath me to beg people to act right and use drugs as a mechanism to force life to be “alright”. Am I making myself seem “too good” to be practically human? I don’t mean to. I just have expectations for myself, that I refuse to not meet. And right now, I expect myself to stop holding in things that aren’t good for me. I hope someone special encourages me to move past the struggles of life and wont abandon me when I fall. Oh well, I feel much better now! Thanks self for writing this. Your welcome self!

To myself, I apologize
Your discomfort from uneasy mindset
And abused body parts
Have not been soothed and sympathized
Due to the remembrance that
All we had to ourselves was yesterday
The night we let our hormones lead us
To believe there was a slight chance
That we could be

Letting go has never been my fitting
I sought out to smoothly line the edges
Of our heart with “love”
Have “succulent” rubbed on your lips
And experience feelings from first sight

You fail to understand, guys and their pride
Will never be set beside one another
To tell the two apart is a dream
Not worth dreaming
And its so much of the future, our future
Not reached because of what wasn’t said
In the beginning

And it’s a shame I blamed you
Their inability to see your good intentions
Is no reflection of your character
You are kind, smart, and intelligent

To myself, I’m sorry
For never looking at self help as an option
When we spoke, what was spoken to us
Had left our minds, and transferred
Into each others hearts

Her legacy said,
“Love yourself, Trust yourself, Respect yourself”

To myself, I apologize
I’d ever forgotten to remind you of that.

To whom it may concern
I want you
Someone like you
No, I want the image of you
But with the heart of true gentlemen
That desires to claim me as theirs
Without me having to ask my ranking in this game
And when I hear that I’ve got your #1 spot
I wouldn’t hesitate to simply smile

In reality that wouldn’t be my case
To be honest it’s hard watching you
Move on, as hers and not mine
Having to share you with all of them
Sadly I’ve only gotten what i negotiated for

I wanna yell, “I hate your guts”
Maybe because I don’t have them
To tell you “how I also really love you”
I know hearts get broken
When words aren’t spoken
But you tell me if anything will change
By me saying those words early in the game
The struggle of lying to myself
Not needing anyone else
Hasn’t become easy

When I’m able to look pass the cloth on your back
And notice your mannerism when involved with me
It’s then when I’ll know if this is real
When you tell me I’m the only one
Is when I’ll give you all of me plus some
As of now, it gets harder the more i see you
And hurts as time goes on
I still look in my inbox
Waiting for you to give me
Nothing but a paper heart and flimsy feelings
With your words and laughing face emojis

To whom this may concern…
Please pay my heart
In a traditional currency of love
Give me a rainbow on my darkest days
And when your ready to talk
You won’t hesitate to simply look my way
Someone…
Be the guy I’ve dreamed of
That dreams of me
Be the guy, God made for me

One that takes steps
One by one
Day by day
Hoping it will rain
Anointment
Peace
Freedom of mental purgatory

You ungrateful ass
Black ass
An ass I am for kissing ass
For the longest
Trying to get love to love me for me
It’s all bad
Because realizing
Love won’t do its name
Without a purpose
So what is the purpose of me
Trying to get love to do it’s doings
When I can’t do it myself
A dumb ass I remain

But not that dumb to forget
That roses are red
And that I’m blue because
Violets and violence
Have my tears falling
To a rhythm
No poetic cliche
Can’t tap a tune too

So pretty bird, pretty bird, pretty bird
I am that pretty bird
Needing life
Trying not to cry
While yelling from 53 in silence
About being a third generation
Victim of verbal violence

That pretty bird, pretty bird, pretty bird
Shot down from cloud nine
Left with two wings damaged
A shattered torso
And a heart beat more irregular than before

I am one that walks with fly
And a head held low
Glanced at by peers, staff, and visitors
Who know nothing of my song
Pretty Bird
Who knows the name verbal abuse
But not the game
Made for victims like myself to lose

Kept in a mindset
Where words of the wicked
Enslave me in a region where
Words are masters
Definition the whip
Mind is the captured

Had I known from birth
That people speak to confuse
And do what they mean
The trauma I speak
Of past and present
Wouldn’t be what I present today

An ass I wouldn’t be today
Back cracked and wings taken back
A pretty bird I would remain
This is….me