Beans, Pen & Nirja

Dear December,

I wont end this year pretending everything was fine. 2025, the year that drained me in ways I never expected. I got myself scattered over pieces that I could never gather together, indeed a difficult year for me.

A year which broke me in places I didn’t even know existed.

Some days felt like disappointment, some days felt like there was only agony left, and most days, I felt all alone.

This year I cried, not just little but the kind that shows your heart was bleeding, the kind that shows your world just not fell but crashed right in front of your eyes.

I cried realizing how much I’ ve been carrying in silence.

Nobody knows how much I suffered this year.

I almost gave up multiple times and lost myself because I was hurting a lot.

Nobody really knows how many times I pulled myself together and as I look back, there was no one who could truely understand and feel me.

2025 has been the most painful year for me. I’ve seen the saddest version of me, the most devastated and vulnerable.

There are still things unsaid, unexplained and unheard this year, but I hope with time I understand the reason behind why 2025 was tough for me, specially for my emotional health.

2025 made me understand that whether its physical, emotional or mental health, my health matters and I solely am there to care for these on my very own.

I want 2026 to feel different. I want to breathe again, smile again and actually live this life rather than surviving. I want peace that feels like home, moments that make my heart feel light and smile that makes me rethink this life actually have some positivity left.

I hope this new year gives me more maturity, wisdom and patience to everything life gives me.

I am not letting the pain rewrite my 2026 story. I deserve a year that doesn’t hurt to remember unlike 2025.

I am choosing myself this time.

I am praying that, I recover next year, My heart never has to break like this again, I never have to survive something like this again.

P.S. 2025, I don’t hate you, but you weren’t the pleasant year. Sorry.

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Copyright © 2017 – 2025 Beans, Pen & Nirja – All Rights Reserved

Dear 2024, this year was filled with blessings. The dreams that were continuously prayed were answered with grace and smile. Life have been beautiful sunset with sky painted orange and I am grateful for everything that came my way.

Dear December, you have always been my midnight story. A continuous memory and love for you, every year.

You are my solace.

December, you hold the most precious moments of my life. The midnight sky filled with countless stars which we gazed together since are still here holding hand in hands and smile at hearts and of course, gratitude towards you.

Sometimes, my heart feels heavy, but still I smile. It’s a time where love, appreciation and life learnings comes with beauty.

The cold breeze that you bring to us, I await for more happiness that follows.

I am here to bid farewell to a year that made me most happy person. Dear December, you’re a perfect finale, everyday feels so special and I am complete ease at my heart.

Entering 2025 with my little precious family with the person I met in 2017.

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Hey December 2022, thank you so much for countless happy memories this year~whole lot of my dreams came true. I love this year more than any other years.

Dear 2022, you hold special place in my heart. Words can’t describe my happiness I received from you. I was once a wandered lost soul now a happy one.

2022, you weren’t bed of roses still you furnished me with patience and hope and belief, I am thankful for. I still could hold on to my age old learning of hurt no one so that no one may hurt you even though there are some clouds and it seemed blue and blurry.

I seek blessings for better health, happiness and prosperity in coming years ahead. Allow me to be a better version of myself. May I get blessed with the strength of forget and forgive, for my inner peace.

Dear 2022, thanks for the memories. Entering 2023 with the same person I met in 2017, couldn’t ask for anymore.

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Copyright © 2017 – 2022 Beans, Pen & Nirja – All Rights Reserved

I get collide with your memories again, just to get haunt away with it, as usual

never have I still been able to walk away from your memories

unknown sadness follows me with an immense desire to be with you

and the destiny which cant lets us be together, i cant utter a word for it

shall I walk my path alone or build a home out of our memories

I have been unknown wandered soul in this world of massive crowd

there’s not even a single face that smiles like you

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Copyright © 2017 – 2020 Beans, Pen & Nirja – All Rights Reserved

Into the wilderness of my imagination

I wish there is a place that actually exists – a final destination of almost home

where all grief fades away, all at once

and perhaps my longing will make sense someday

my thirst for being lost might finally come true

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Copyright © 2017 – 2020 Beans, Pen & Nirja – All Rights Reserved

I admit I really tried to recall my own image of past,

but it was difficult to my mind

I failed every time, with enough struggle, however there is dull remembrance of myself

sometimes, just learned the harder way

 

There is enough hurt, absolutely broken,

I’m one of those beautifully broken song,

either cherish me as a memory or just let me blown away as a handful of sand

 

When I see myself, its like my life can neither be fixed nor be scattered

wounds, injured souls, its life

nothing can break the bond of pain, the traces are still the same

 

Each morning when I wake up

I realize, a part of me in yesterday is already dead

I donot know, how to describe, I dnt have the particular word,

may be the right word will find me someday, but, I hope, it will not be too late

 

Life has knocked me down, but still, I decided to carry my burden

its a never ending beginning, just a platform for life,

I know I can rise back

 

There is some hope, I can still feel the magic in every sunshine while talking to myself

I hope my lips will tell me

some secret, the secret of some low cloud

and ill float away along with it, to a brighter dream,

my feet will definitely find a way

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Copyright © 2017 – 2020 Beans, Pen & Nirja – All Rights Reserved

I always imagined,you to give a call and wake me up in the middle of the night,just to make me hear you say“ I love you “

Imagination is a great thing ! it gives life and love, a perfect reason and if I was a fool to imagine such, I really enjoy my craziness !!!

I must have fallen in love with the imagination being with you,far, yet in love.

Imagining you is always a glorious moment, whenever I can’t get asleep,I close my eyes, I see you and get some sleep at night.

Really, some love stories are never fated to happen !!!

Just cherishing the abbreviation of it !!

– 

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Copyright © 2017 – 2020 Beans, Pen & Nirja – All Rights Reserved

Human,

Wake up from their sleep  – leaving behind a beautiful dream

just  to welcome a new dawn – a new day of their life

to fulfill dreams and realize expectations of life

 

From their window, they warmly look to the morning sun

having faith in god,

hope for something nice to happen everyday

they wake up, step out to fulfill all their promises, commitments, dreams

walk with every obstacles in their journey

 

Life is same everyday,

but even though, they believe in themselves and their dreams

 

A day goes out, if only they don’t have

any small hope to come true today

a whole day is wasted, but it’s not – rare

it is everyday’s life

it happens everyday

 

While trying to realize dream, but unsuccessful attempts

but it’s ok, they realize – today – this day was not meant for them

it was not their day

but, a new dawn will definitely rise, for a beautiful life

 

Finally, it’s getting darker, a new dusk has arrived

they come home with low heart

cover their face with the blanket and shed tears of frustration

with no one knowing

still, at this night, in the darkness

looking at the bright stars, they wipe their tears out

their face enlightens and smile flows in them with the joy in their heart

for seeing a slightest ray of hope from the twinkling stars

that tomorrow will be a better day

 

Again, few new dreams will rise up, will be cherished

and feel asleep with the smile of hope on their face

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Copyright © 2017 – 2020 Beans, Pen & Nirja – All Rights Reserved

He loved to write

 

late at midnight, I lay awake

waiting for him

and there he finishes reciting his songs to me

and I smile

 

When I hung up the phone, deep down I am hurt

he’ll never know

I wanted him to write for me, not for her

 

I just couldn’t risk to look into his eyes directly,

to fall every time

for I know you’d never feel the same

and there I’m a patience listener to your love tales

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Copyright © 2017 – 2020 Beans, Pen & Nirja – All Rights Reserved

When you left, I wasn’t at tears

may be, I already knew, you’d leave one day

I was prepared for this heartbreak

 

I know, people always leave me all the time

so, leaving me was okay, i’m used to it

 

What hurt like a hell is making me feel unwanted

when for me, all I wanted was just you

 

I used to think, I was more of a home

you’d come back and never leave

but it wasn’t

when you were hurt, you came to me

seek solace and decide to leave

my heart always got drowned in the possibility of us

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Copyright © 2017 – 2020 Beans, Pen & Nirja – All Rights Reserved