To the Planet Most Likely Thought to be a New Home, You Are the Cation

To the Planet Most Likely Thought to be a New Home, You Are the Cation

by Nopal Nuevo ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I never meant to become a vortex

sucking away at all good things past the event

horizon into the singularity

into nothingness.

Feeding the infinitesimal gaps growing infinitely between us,

like parts of an atom, awkwardly dancing

our orbital sway to and fro

never truly finding the right time to touch

or sync

so I wouldn’t blame you for wanting to lose

this negative charge;

rather I’m the willing electron fleeing a positive thing

.

When we met I was elated to find out that

the rejuvenating waters on that big red rock

were not frozen over

a contrast to the frigid landscape of the days prior to our happenstance

perhaps, I thought,

new life could be terraformed in your

smooth soft arms of soil and clay

my heart swelled with a warm thump-thump

as Barry White belted “I’ve got so much love to give”

but only chaos and calamity were found in that dark December Black night sky

when I lost connection to my Mother Earth.

unfortunately what remains

isn’t the makings of nebulous infantile new beginnings

and I can feel myself sinking deeper and deeper inward, consuming

all that i was all that i am an

ouroboros, until a dense void pinpoint speck

of a person is left in its wake

.

But if astronomers can detect light from

beyond the black hole sun,

my hope is that I too can crawl back from this

spaghettification that wears me thin

and for what its worth, I’m sorry.

During the Void Hours

During the Void Hours

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How does one stop

Feeling the insistent need to warrant affection

I tell myself I haven’t earned the right to

ask you my questions

Who are you… Really?

What are your aspirations in life?

Are you an ambitious person? Is it okay if I’m not?

Would you care if I’m as stagnant as the dried up rivers in the plains of west Texas?

I tell myself I don’t have a right to seek your

attention

What have I ever done to merit your gaze?

.

On a shuffle playlist I hear Tegan and Sara

singing “You wouldn’t like me if you met me”

and I feel it deep in my heart, in ways all too familiar

because I can’t seem to open up to you

in the ways I picture in my mind.

Instead I doom scroll TikTok till dawn

One swipe at a time.

The Cursor Blinks at a Steady 65bpm

The Cursor Blinks at a Steady 65bpm

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while i stare at the blank message box

waiting to be filled

i ponder a while what i could say but am at a loss

i never really was good at speaking just to

fill the void

as a child i was taught if you’re not spouting

niceties then you shouldn’t be spouting

anything at all

but this isn’t that i don’t have mean things to say

i just don’t know how to break the ice

i’ve built up so many damn walls and can’t seem to

find the key stones to tear them all down

.

Do you ever feel like the tide? In constant

cycles of highs and lows? How could I expect

anyone to deal with me, when I barely can.

When One and Three Quarters Equals 7/4

When One and Three Quarters Equals 7/4

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Even still

as the crickets chirp

and the warm, cooling breeze

of this hot, summer night

runs its comb-like fingers through my hair,

As the blaring horn of a train

sounds in the distance

and the concussive shells rain their lights of fireflies,

As children cheer on in echoes from behind

trees and fence,

in awe of the luminous sky

And the occasional revving of engines oscillate by,

I feel the pain panged void swell in my esophagus.

This isn’t nostalgia for days past,

when excitement could be attained by

watching those mortars expel their mixtures

of magnesium and sodium nitrates.

Instead I feel grief for my mother while I stand here next to my father

Listening as the stratosphere continues to

pulse and throb.

It is alive and you aren’t

And i wish you were here.

Phoenix 2:08

Phoenix 2:08

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I regretted

Telling you about the phantom in the sky trap.

Your eyes become fixed.

Like wafting the scent of blood

In front of a shark,

I can see the chemicals in your apex hunter brain activate

As your pupils dilate and retract in an instant

Laser beams

Scanning the edifice

Searching for prey. I had hoped

That we were similar too in the way

We deal with conflict

But you always were the 1 to my 0

Strange as it is to me

But you were a doer, a fighter

Engaging with a world whose aim is to subdue, to vanquish the human spirit

While my only fight is one of learning to become less passive

I know There is little I can do to stop a hunter from their prey

But I hope you realize that you are not the only hunter

I hope you realize some hunters feign victimhood.

And this prey is intent on you falling for the trap

Tumblr.

Tumblr.

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I cringe as I try to retrieve back what I put out into the ether

And I understand the trauma my words were inflicting

Perhaps things aren’t as literal

As dynamically binary as

Right or wrong

Perhaps it is an instance of twin losing.

Imagine

Two wounded animals

Learning how not to cohabitate

You’re a Sociopath: II

You’re a Sociopath: II

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I think about the lesson you once tried teaching me.

and realize this mind isn’t as sharp

As once perceived.

Isn’t that so true for us all.

Men.

How I despise that the label has been thrust and glued to me despite all my protestations,

Because gender isn’t assigned,

its whatever I feel like at any given moment,

But these days I know myself less and less.

Is this growing up?

.

Drunkenly you kissed me to stop my crying,

But the man-child could not understand.

Instead, he wailed on

A reverse siren

And so, three years went by and not a lesson learned

Until those glitch inducing string of letters were spoken

Oh, how I envy the young

Because what is bitterness without self-reflection?

I turn 28 this year

And I finally think I understand the lesson:

My problem isn’t that I can’t find love

It’s that I won’t let me.

April ’89 or Why You Don’t Drink the Brine

April ’89 or Why You Don’t Drink the Brine

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I loved you. The person.

Often we shared the sound of clanking metal on porcelain as the sun laughed into the horizon for half a decade.

You had such capacity for kindness.

(Sugar.)

But much like for myself, that too mostly came in waves.

(Salt.)

This relationship has felt like a battle.

A rumbling thundering clash of fundamental ideology.

North, South, Right, Left.

Before you lays a vast ocean

Two titans grapple with dull daggers

pointed inward, towards their own torsos,

Ever cautious to never truly harm oneself, or the other.

And suddenly you realize

Its choreographed theatre.

A marionette show.

Complacency.

And there is no solace in the center.

Essential

Essential

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Never have I felt more at odds with the population than during the crisis that is 2020

People going mad in their solitude

While I long for the very thing they fear.

Instead I am forced into interaction where they hold all the cards

Listening to their flimsy beliefs that hope is nigh.  Absorbing the burden of their anxiety.

 

Things will go back to normal he says to me

While wearing his #leaveleealone shirt

As if a cumbia blaring kitchen, full of Mexicans, being forced to work during a pandemic, so that he won’t have to turn on his stove and cook for himself tonight, was so far away removed from Robert E Lee’s wildest dreams.

And I think to myself

None of this was ever normal.