Ok, I haven’t written in a really long time, but I’ve been super busy with work and honestly, even though I am still sober, I got a little tired of thinking about being sober all the time.

And I cheated one night, so I thought about giving up. I thought I would have to start over counting after I had 4 beers one night. But I decided to keep counting and not start over. It’s given me way more motivation to continue this way. The wolfie was saying “This is too much. This is over the top, no one else is doing this…” and one night, the wolfie won. But the next day, I promised I wouldn’t beat myself up about it. I told myself, that was a slip up, I had to see what it would be like if the wolfie won. Now I know. It wasn’t that great. I didn’t have a fabulous time. The mystery is gone, and now I can continue. Just like you can’t give up a diet after a slip-up, I’m not going to throw my sobriety down the drain because of my moment of weakness.

Now if I had continued to fall back into my old habits after that night, well, then I would I have to start over counting, but I don’t think I should lose 60 days because of one slip up. (I did it on Day 60). Besides, it’s my sobriety and not anyone elses, so I make up the rules.

In other news, my husband and I are doing much better. We went through a very rough patch last month, but it’s getting better. I thought about leaving him for a while. I mean, I seriously thought about it. Like, I was on the verge of asking around and trying to find an apartment. He wasn’t working for a while (long story), and I was, and he was drinking and driving me crazy. I, being clear headed and sober all the time now, kept thinking (and I know this is not a nice thought) “I could do so much better, hell, I’d even prefer to just be on my own. I want it to be just me and the dog.” He is working now, and my long tern sobriety is FINALLY rubbing off on him. He’s mourned the lost of his drinking buddy (me) and I think he now realizes that he feels better drinking less too. He has now promised me to only drink on nights when he’s not working the next day. I personally don’t like that mode of thought, only because moderation has not worked for me in the past, but I’ll take it for now. And for the past 3 weeks, he has kept true to his word. Last night (we both have off today), he had 3 beers and fell asleep peacefully. I’m fine with that.

Also, I am continuing to get thinner and I feel and look great, so that’s AWESOME. I wanted to get a t shirt that says “VEGAN AND SOBER,” but since I’ve had slip ups in both categories, I think now it should say “95% VEGAN AND SOBER, 5% WILD,” or something like that.

i hate it!

So, I haven’t written in a while and I told myself that this weekend I would give my blog a little love. How’s it been going? Overall, very good. I’ve had many moments of weakness, but I have managed to overcome them every single time and I am SO PROUD of myself!

Here are some highlights:

• Saw one of my bosses for the first time this season (she winters away). She invited us and a couple of friends to dinner at her house. I brought my frozen berries, club soda and agave nectar and made my own mocktails. She offered wine when I got there, and again at dinner, but did not press me when I refused. Pretty sure she thinks I’m pregnant, but that’s ok. The company I work for has several events over the season, usually potlucks, and I’m sure someone will notice I’m not drinking, but I don’t anticipate it being a big deal. If anyone asks, I’ll just say, “I’m not drinking tonight.” Or, if someone I feel comfortable with really presses, I’ll be honest and say “I just find that I’m happier overall when I don’t drink. So I’m not drinking.”
• I told my BFF (I’m a bridesmaid in her wedding this summer) that I’m not drinking, and that I don’t know if I will be drinking at the wedding (or bachelorette). She’s very much a normie, She can drink, but definitely doesn’t have a problem with it like I do. But she is so smart, and I can tell she understands. I told her I will be with her, supporting her every minute of the way during her wedding week.
• A few nights playing games with new roommates where I was the only one not drinking. Had a BLAST both times. So much more fun than if I was drinking, and NO HANGOVER.

That’s all for now, I gotts go, but more this weekend, my head is full.

And now, a list of all the ways I love being sober!

1. My wonderful, restful sleep! I love waking up now!

2. I feel like I’m regaining my youth! I feel like a teenager! (Probably because that was the last time I was totally sober, lol)

3. My belly is flatter!

4. My skin looks and feels AMAZING! My hair too!

5. I NEVER have to worry about what I did last night!

6. I can take my puppy on hikes and walks and enjoy it!

7. NO HANGOVERS! No headache, no upset tummy, no cotton-mouth, no dryness, nothing!

8. I feel sexier!

9. I’m still in early sobriety, the best is yet to come! YAY!

So, I’ve been reading some blogs this morning, especially Mrs. D is Going Without, and I know that while I’m here in early sobriety, it’s important for me to recognize why I’m even doing this, so that in the future, in a moment of weakness, I can look back and remind myself.

So, even though this is going to be embarrassing and painful, here is a list of times I’ve drank so much, I said “I’m never drinking again!”

1. Obviously, the worst time. That day last June when I stayed up way too late, made a huge mistake that almost cost me my marriage, and then showed up to work hungover and could have lost my job. (Neither happened, but both easily could have…)

2. That time last April when I was camping at the beach and me and L got into a huge fight in front of all of our friends and they were all pissed at us for weeks. Then the next day we were too hungover to attend our nephew’s birthday party.

3. That time about 2 months ago when nothing too bad happened but I generally felt like I was acting like a loud drunken ass in front of everyone.

4. That time I drank too much and had to work the next day so I overcompensated and smiled extra hard and was super-duper-creepy-cheery all day long.

5. The 2 day hangovers.

6. The bloated belly and puffy face.

7. The regret and self hatred.

8. When I pick at my skin when I’m hungover because I hate myself so much in that moment.

9. When I say I’m going to go for a run, on a hike, weight lift, walk, etc., and then I don’t because I’m hungover, even when it’s beautiful out.

10. When I drag myself out even though I am hungover, and I don’t even enjoy it.

11. When I’m drinking passed what I know my limit should be and I’m like “Why am I even drinking this?” but I just compulsively do.

12. All the times I started by saying “I can drink moderately. I’ll only have 2!” I cannot drink moderately. I am not capable.

12. ALL the times I’ve had STUPID fights with L.

Ok, enough, this list could go on forever. I’m done. Next post is the happy list!

So, after I get through today, which I know I will, I will have 2 weeks under my belt! Woo-hoo! Yesterday I had a pretty intense craving, feeling like I deserve it, one wouldn’t hurt, etc, etc, but I was going through some old pictures of me (yesterday was my 2 year wedding anniversary) and I saw how bloated and puffy I looked on my wedding day, and it TOTALLY reminded me of why I’m doing this.

So I went on a 15 minute walk with my dog (who was acting really out of control and needed it anyway) and listened to The Bubble Hour, came home and made myself a mocktail, and watched Game of Thrones with our new roommates. Crisis averted! They were drinking beer. Sam was so sweet, he asked if I minded. I jokingly said, “No! Drink! You’re allowed to, I’ve had enough!”

L told me he wasn’t going to drink until his physical (for work), which will be 4/24. Don’t know if he’ll make it, but I know my new sobriety has had been a really good influence on him, even if he would never admit it. So far, he drinks far less frequently than he did before, and less. I hope this trend continues. I hope he recognizes how much better he feels. I need to start recognizing what a huge influence I have on him. Let that be yet another motivation to continue down this road.

My original goal was 100 days. I wonder how I’ll feel then?

I feel like I’m in high school. I feel so silly. As I’ve said before, I live in a very small town. There is a group of people here and I guess they are considered the “cool” kids and although I know them, I’m not really close friends with any of them, and I feel like maybe some of them have seen me drink before and maybe that’s why I’m not friends with them, or something? I don’t know, now that I’m writing this, I feel crazy.

Anyway, browsing Facebook these girls were all at a popular bar here in town for a birthday last night, and of course, I’m not close enough friends with them to be invited. But still, I work with many of them, and I would think that maybe one would shoot me a text for good measure.

No. Stupid thought. They don’t owe me anything. The thing is, over the years, I’ve distanced myself from people, especially women, with my drinking, so it makes sense I’m not closer to any of them. And there are tons of people in this town who I love that weren’t there; it wasn’t a big event.

I don’t even know what I’m saying, I feel like an idiot. I wouldn’t even have wanted to go, because I don’t want to be in a bar, for goodness sake! And I was hanging out with friends here at home having a great time!

I’m an idiot, what is this really about?

For some reason seeing normal, happy people drink and have a good time makes me cringe, because I can’t do that anymore because I’m fucking defective. I guess sometimes I’m just craving to be wanted by others. To be “popular…” or something. I always had a good group of friends in high school, but we were definitely not the cool kids and sometimes I feel that same way here in this town. I know it’s a completely idiotic thought, but I still have it.

Normally, though, whenever I have an uncomfortable thought, I can easily just make it quiet by DRINKING! Yay for drinking! Then I can be sexy, confident, popular, and I just don’t care anymore! Hooray!

But now, I have to actually feel those feelings, and while I don’t totally like it, I know it’s good for me. I have to figure it out, something I’ve been avoiding for years.

I’m also embarrassed because I feel like maybe I have a reputation for being a lush, and it makes me want to shout my new found sobriety from the rooftops. Like “LISTEN I’M NOT A DRUNK LOSER ANYMORE, OKAY?!?!?!”

In time, I hope my new reputation will take place. I’m a little dorky, nerdy, sure, but I’m also really cool. I paint and I write and I have a dog, and I hike and I travel, and I’m calm, cool and collected.

I don’t have to be best friends with everyone. I have my close friends and that’s all I need. I don’t have to prove anything to anyone. I am enough.

SO proud of myself, it’s Day 10, it’s Friday, and I’m not going to be hung over tomorrow! Wooo-hooo!

Roommates came today and moved their stuff in. Tonight will be their first night sleeping here. I’m going to call them Betty and Sam. Betty and I work for the same company, and we have known each other for a couple of years now. I really like her, and I feel comfortable enough with her to tell her about my sobriety. As we will be roommates, I feel she should know. She can then tell Sam. I’m not going to say the truth, which is “I’m an alcoholic and I may never drink again.” Partly, because, I can’t even handle that thought myself right now, and also because that is rather heavy, so I will just say, “I’m trying to do 100 days sober, as a personal health challenge,” or “I’m taking a break from drinking.” She’s a sweetheart, she’ll understand. Last summer, she lived with all boys in a “party” type environment, so I think she’ll appreciate the calmness my sobriety will bring to the house.

The other person I really need to tell is my best friend Masie. She is getting married this summer, and I am a bridesmaid. I’m going a week early to be there for the bachelorette party, to help her that week, and of course then the rehearsal dinner and the wedding. A whole week away from home that would normally be sopping with booze, and of course I’m expected to be the fun party girl I usually am, but I have to call her and tell her I’m going to be sober.

It was actually one of the first things I thought about when I decided to go sober, and I still think about it a lot. Actually, fantasize is more like it. At first, I thought about how it’s going to suck. I mean, EVERYONE is going to be drinking all over the place the whole week, and of course it is going to be hard. It will be my first time travelling since sober. But, on the plus side, I will have over 100 days under my belt then. The bachelorette party is on Day 116  and the wedding is on Day 122. Everything I’ve read says that Days 60 and 90 are the real big turn-arounds, when you really start feeling solid in your sobriety. So that thought is really helping.

Here’s the fantasy: I’m slimmer, because I haven’t been drinking for so long (I can already feel my belly going down), so I look beautiful. My skin is glowing (another thing I’ve already started to notice), and I feel fantastic. I drink seltzer the whole time. I’m in control of myself. I dance, I laugh, I have fun, and I remember everything. I’m not embarrassed after the bachelorette, I’m not hungover, I can help Maisie with anything she needs throughout the week, I can drive when no one else can, and I’m all around a better friend and bridesmaid to her. The two times I’ve met her mother in the past I’ve been horribly hungover, and I’m determined not to let that happen this time. I will not be a puffy, dehydrated, tired sickly mess, I will be everything I WANT to be. Thinking about it this way actually makes me really excited to be there. I’m going to call Masie this weekend and tell her what I’ve been doing. I know she will be super supportive of me, she always is. That’s why I love her so much. She is a true friend.

                   

On Left: What I would look like at Masie’s wedding if I go back to my old lifestyle. Note the bra strap, dark roots and lack of necklace (couldn’t be bothered to attend to these details), as well as the puffy face, swollen belly, and big smile to overcompensate for how shitty I feel.

On Right: What I will look like if I continue on this journey of sobriety. Note the better posture, the genuine, confident smile, the slimmer figure, and the bright eyes. Is this girl the embodiment of perfection? No, but she is a better version of me.

Ok, kind of had a revelation yesterday that I don’t know what to do with. Well, I can’t really call it a revelation because I already knew it, but last night was the first night it really hit me that this may be a problem for my sobriety.

L is a heavy drinker in deep denial and he is a tough nut to crack.

In fact, I think I would have gone sober sooner if not for his constant reassurances that we’re fine. Now he’s just lost his drinking buddy, and it’s going to be interesting to see how he reacts long-term.

Had a short discussion about it yesterday while cooking dinner, in which I heard him say a number of ridiculous things that I know are just his wolfie talking, but still was very annoying to me, if only because I’m so early in my sobriety. I’ve always known I was smarter than him, but fuck, man, last night was a little ridiculous.

Every time I bring up my sobriety, he ALWAYS compares it to himself and how HIS drinking patterns are SO DIFFERENT. Here is an extremely accurate paraphrase of our conversation last night, which I remember because I wasn’t drunk.

L: Alcohol just doesn’t affect me like it does you. I don’t get depressed when I drink like you do. I can just handle it better.

M: You’re right about that. I do get depressed when I drink, that’s why I decided to stop. I noticed that I would keep promising myself to drink one or two, but it always turned into 5 or 6 and then I had a big emotional and physical hangover. It was preventing me from living the life I wanted, so I decided to stop.

L: I know when stop and I can moderate myself better. Yeah, I’m a moderate drinker.

M: Well, I’ve been doing a lot of reading about it lately and I don’t think you would be considered a moderate drinker. You had 13 beers Friday night, then you didn’t drink Saturday, then Sunday you had a 6-pack, then you didn’t drink the next day, but tonight you’re polishing off a small bottle of vodka, all by yourself. I know you’re trying to drink less because of me, and I appreciate you taking nights off, but anyone who drinks 13 beers in one night is not a moderate drinker. A moderate drinker has no more than 3 in one night.

L: (obviously annoyed and now slurring his words) Look, I’ve made MAJOR CHANGES in my life by going vegan, so it’s ok if I drink like this. Alex is right, it’s not sugar that causes diabetes, it’s fat. That’s why the vegan diet is so good for you.

M: Yes, we have been eating really well, so why negate all the good things with drinking? That’s another reason I stopped. I want to lose weight and feel healthier and my drinking was preventing that, so I stopped. And drinking definitely contributes to Type 2 Diabetes. Like, definitely.

L: DRINKING HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH DI-BEE-DEES. MY SISSSER HAS SHNEVER DRANK IN ‘ER LIFE AND SHE HAS LIKE THE WEEEERSE DIBEEEDEES.

M: Ok, that may be true, but, trust me, drinking 6, or 13, beers in one night is NOT good for your blood sugar. And, heavy drinking has been associated with certain types of cancer, and heart disease. Not to mention, of course, cirrhosis.

L: I don’t believe you! Prove it!

May I just interject here that this is a real conversation with a 35-year-old man who claims to not have a drinking problem? I wonder if I was this ridiculous when I was drinking?

M: Ok, I’m googling it now. (Reads aloud several websites and facts that, of course, prove my point)

L: THOSE ARE ALL GOVERNMENT SPONSORED AND I DON’T BELIEVE THE GOVERNMENT ANYWAY. ALEX IS RIGHT, GOING VEGAN MEANS YOU’RE HEALTHY, AND THAT’S WHY I’M SO HEALTHY AND MY SISTER IS NOT.

M: ALEX DOESN’T DRINK. Look, I don’t want to talk about this anymore. We have friends coming for dinner and I need to finish cooking. I’m sorry I brought it up. My sobriety has nothing to do with you, I’m doing it for myself.

L: Well, maybe I’m just not ready yet.

M: Oh my God, that’s the first honest thing you’ve said all night.

L: I’m walking to the liquor store to get more beer.

-SCENE-

 He got 4 more very heavy, dark beers and drank all of them. Our friends came over and he was obnoxiously drunk the whole time. What am I going to do?

OK, first week done! So happy to be on Day 7 instead of Day 1. Everyday I’ve been learning and finding something new. Yesterday I found The Bubble Hour http://www.thebubblehour.com/, and I think listening to it will become a huge part of my sobriety. I’ve always liked listening to podcasts anyway.

Tomorrow I start working. Just a temporary assignment, Wednesday through Friday this week, then all of next week. I haven’t worked in a while, but I think it will be good for me, because I will have to balance working all day and NOT coming home and thinking “Oh, I deserve a drink!” Good practice for when the season starts, which is right around the corner.

L did not drink last night, and says he wont until the weekend. The night before he drank 6 beers. I hope he continues to not drink. Not just because it’s easier for me, but because I don’t think he realizes that not drinking might have some positive effects on him.

Well, not much else to report, nothing too exciting happened yesterday, but I am proud of myself and excited to see what lies ahead.