I thought it would get easier and for years, I was right. I’ve even reached the point already of being a master of living away from my family and being absolutely okay about it. Being away from home this long has had its perks but as the holiday season approaches, a part of me breaks knowing that the warmth of my family’s presence is just something I’ll have to let go of for now.
Something snapped and it’s been hard trying to get out of this rut, if you can still call it that. I’ve been longing for my parents lately, but I can’t seem to allow myself to reach out to them. I don’t understand what the point is of keeping this “strong daughter” front when it has been weighing down on me. And yet here we are quite miserable even as I’m supposed to be surrounded by my supportive friends.
And there are days when I just want to give up already because efforts seem futile at this point. I’m supposed to not lose hope, people are going to tell me; that there’s a lot to look forward to. I have so much ahead of me and I should just be grateful I’m alive and well and I have a roof over my head and good food to eat and even someone to share all the ups and downs this universe throws at me.
And I tell you she is amazing. There is nobody else out there alive right now who can calm me down when the currents of my heart are at an uproar the way she does. But how do I tell her that I am tired of being strong without making her worry about me? I am tired of hearing people tell me that I am strong because it is exhausting. When does it stop?
She calls me to bed, but notices the sadness welling up in my eyes. She knows well enough that I do not want to talk about it right now. Maybe when I’m ready. I guess we’re back to crying ourselves to sleep.
We take back the time we felt was lost the day before. When you think about, it felt too quick. And yet it felt exactly as it should be. Who else is going to argue with us? The new quarter brings a new kind of happiness. One that feels familiar but quite different. The same hope is there, but we try to hold on to it tighter for second chances seem like a miracle of its own. We can’t risk losing this again because fear lingers. It always will. But don’t you worry my darling (see what I did there, love?), you will never be alone. So let fear come because our love will always be stronger.
AUGUST
A song plays and maybe it reminds you of me. This month is supposed to be quiet. Some people say it’s the ghost month. The only ghosts here would be those of the past; things that remind us of the most painful moments, but also of the loveliest ones. I guess that’s what death does. Memories seem muddled but feelings are vivid. There isn’t a pun here but we did end up by someone’s grave. Not just anyone, but her grave. I can feel her smiling down at us. She knows how happy you make me. We celebrate my life, ironically, in a cemetery, laughing and crying and praying. We brought her flowers; you chose them. They’re as beautiful as both your souls. I didn’t think I’d get to have this twice in my lifetime. We read excerpts from your gift. Gosh, Dickinson would’ve been proud.
SEPTEMBER
Nobody would take you here and you still couldn’t believe that it was happening. We browse through hundreds of art, once in a while, the back of our hands shyly brushing until one of us would take the other’s hand. It still feels new but here we are, basking in each moment and enjoying every single celebration and mishap together. This is how it’s going to be from now on. This time we celebrate you. I wish I could tell you exactly how much you mean to me. To thank God for your existence would never be enough, but what else is there to do? I continue to pray that He gives you more years like this. Hopefully more healthy years together.
OCTOBER
We rode that magic carpet that one night, laughing and not caring that we were making fools of ourselves. We ran with friends who made us feel limitless. And in all this darkness, there was color. You make me proud of this love. My fear lessens over time. We go off into an adventure that ends with vomit on the floor. But I can still hear the laughter from that night; the ringing still at the back of my head just sitting there to remind me that again, this is what love is: puking on the toilet and you holding my hair. I know you will take care of me, no matter how gross I get.
NOVEMBER
Click and then a smile. We didn’t get it the first time, but from experience, we’re good with second chances. Yes, a picture. It’s silly but you like it so it’s a no brainer. I take a sip, it’s a hot day but we’re out and about with my original love. A game. A crowd. A new person to talk about. A win for me in all aspects even as it almost turned uncomfortable. A culmination of runs but it was just the beginning for you. What a feeling to cross that finish line and then there was dancing and speeches and a party at 8 in the morning. Here’s to racing through life with you.
DECEMBER
We’ve reached the end…of the year. There’s sand in my hair and salt on my cheeks but your hand in mine is all that really matters. There’s comfort in the distance from our usual–in places far from where we live–we find solace. And as we return, there’s a little hiccup up ahead, the virus we’ve all been trying to avoid, right here on our doorstep. Their 12 days of Christmas has got nothing on ours, waking and shaking right next to each other in bed. Meals are simple but your presence makes it special. What else could I ask for when home will always be where you are and the greatest gift, your love? These 12 days are priceless and they feel like a fever dream (though, I did have high fever one of those nights) for they seem so distant already I still can’t believe they happened. And when the clock hit midnight on Christmas Eve, you give me a kiss and we immortalize some moments with your (our?) little one too.
JANUARY
Here we are with yet another new year (as if the years just flip by as quickly as pages in a book), but still with the same hopeful love. There’s music all around, songs of space and planets and and love and finding a home. I look towards you and yes, I think to myself, this is it. I found it. You. No song will ever be able to capture this feeling inside that sometimes my heart feels like exploding. Volcanoes, a poet wrote about. And slowly we begin to wrap each other into the lives of one another, allowing more into our little bubble, thinking that here’s to beginnings with the one I want until the very end.
FEBRUARY
The music’s too loud but our laughter rings louder. Here’s a safe space for us and here we get bolder. I hold your hand without fear all through ’til 4 in the morning. Who needs to celebrate Valentine’s when I get you every day? You climbed the highest peak here and I raced through some mountain, covered in sweat and mud and of course your love, even from afar. We found a new pawssion and looks like it’s for long-term. Hopefully longer than my headache when we randomly found ourselves in that theme park.
MARCH
A movie date here and there. Some time with our godson. There’s a lot you can find in a museum, especially love if you look hard enough. We find ourselves in an art gallery waiting for the next band to sing. They play songs of love and there’s you in my mind. You rush home from a terrible trip and we’re popping balloons at a bridal shower. What a crazy weekend but here we are trying our best to thrive under the circumstances. As disappointment lingers, so did understanding. Here’s to holding on for the other even on the worst of days, especially on the worst of days.
APRIL
We watch one of my best friends get married to the love of her life. A simple wedding in a little church with friends and family. I used to wonder if I’d still have that but looking at you from a distance, now all I see is a future filled with love even on the hardest of days. We spend 4 days cooped up somewhere, momentarily forgetting the harsh parts of reality. But reality always has a way of catching up and here we are left in moments where we feel broken. You remind me that you’re here for good especially on days I find it hard to love myself. And we continue to dream of someday having our own little home with your green kitchen, some flowers here and there, and a couple of adopted pets we (and others) used to sing to and for.
MAY
We find ourselves constantly hiding behind masks we can never remove when we’re around them. It’s our only safety net and often it can get exhausting with you just an arm’s length away but sometimes just a glance from you would be enough. We remind each other why we do what we do. The future. If all goes well, the next generation should be okay. Someday, when we’re both ready, we’ll make our dear friend part of our world. Ariel won’t be the only one singing because I’m sure she’ll celebrate us, too. You’re crazy enough to run 10km with me; your longest run yet, not counting the race you’re already on when you decided to love me. I know she’s smiling–not just for me, but for you as well–as we celebrate her. She knew exactly what and who I needed. She was always right.
JUNE
Here we are training for something we’re doing for the first time. We’ve got bruises all over but what’s a little battle scar got on us, right? We watch a play that celebrates us and we find ourselves in a place that will always make me feel right at home. You’re exhausted from another run but ice cream is the key. We hold hands without fear. We are surrounded by love all over. I attend Pride for the first time and I’m reminded of how blessed I am to have you. I am proud of this love. We don’t owe the world anything, but we do owe it to ourselves to bask in the everyday moments we get to share. Of course the big moments matter, but like what they say, aren’t big things just little things all piled together? Or something like that. Someday all this fear will diminish and that’s something worth looking forward to. I’m here beside you as the clock strikes midnight. You know what that means.
JULY
It’s been a year. Come hold my hand and let’s walk through more years together.
The world around us continues to move fast, unchanged by the decisions we make for ourselves. It doesn’t matter that I decide to hold your hand while we walked in a crowded street. It doesn’t matter that you tell me you love me every day. Stealing kisses when we can won’t help with global warming. A hug, a glance, a little inside joke only we understand won’t cure cancer. The world continues to move on and forward regardless of our choices.
Our love is quiet. And I’m okay with that. I don’t need it to change the world. Maybe someday it will or not (higher chance here) and we will be fine with that. I used to think I needed to be that person who would impact the world in one way or another. And when I couldn’t have that before in my past relationship, it crushed me. As if my coming out to the world would be any different from anyone else’s story. Would it mean less poverty? Will it make education more accessible to disadvantaged children? Am I truly that important?
And yet here we are, feeling like the universe conspired to get us together. “It’ll all makes sense,” they said and you know what, even though we got together, a lot of things still don’t make sense. Many things still don’t make sense, yet here we are. We talk about our past and how we got here. You’d tell me that you wish I didn’t have to hurt like I did (like I still do sometimes cos lesbi-honest, trauma’s a bitch); that you would have it the other way, even if it meant not being with me. But my love, here we are.
Things happened. Painful things happened. And here we are. You are my miracle. This is what we have. I want to believe that it is enough. I hope it’s enough for you, too, because right now, you give me so much to look forward to. You are hope walking on two legs, craving ice cream randomly and making me excited about building a future with you.
This is what we have, mi amor. Bask in it. You deserve every single cell in your body telling you to be happy even if sometimes it feels too good to be true. I know it’s cliche but like what they say, life’s too short. And I should know how true that is. Life is short and scary and unpredictable and exciting and just full of twists and turns and rainbows and butterflies and maybe even bees and wasps that will sting you, but here we are.
I love you. Be here with me. Hopefully for a really long time, okay?
There’s a quiet breeze that lightly grazes your cheek. You barely even know it’s there if not for the kind of calmness it gives your heart. It’s gentle and you realize it has been there for a while now. Maybe you never gave it a second thought because you were expecting fireworks. Probably an explosion of emotions; a thunderstorm you would still have to tame.
But it’s here and it sings softly. There’s a calm and steadiness you haven’t had for a while. How easy to feel this again. You would think the pain was enough to harden your heart forever. It would’ve seemed like that was the easier way to go. But it was almost as if the universe had other plans.
I guess space, and time Takes violent things, angry things And makes them kind
– Sun, Sleeping at Last
I remember having a conversation with B one night and she asked me to promise her two things. One was to stop hating the world. The other was to just allow myself to fall in love again. Both requests seemed impossible to do at the time, at the state that I was. I could not promise her any of it. At least not when she was still alive. I remember she was reassuring me and telling me that I would be sad for a while, but that I would be okay eventually. Of course she was right (she always was/is), but I could not fathom the idea of just giving in to her requests. It felt like I was giving up on us.
I can’t track anymore at what point I stopped hating the world, not for taking her away from me, but for just allowing her to go through all that pain and making the people around her feel helpless. Maybe it was when a child told me that I had helped them or when my friends reminded me that they were happy I existed in their lives or maybe when I finally allowed myself to say those three words again to someone else in that way.
It didn’t happen overnight but it was quiet when it came and my soul feels like it’s finally healing. This feels like walking on solid ground. The steady beating of my heart and just how safe I feel at the calmness of the moment are things I’ll never be able to do justice with words.
That’s better than plutonium, right? It used to feel like that. Now, we’ve gone down to just plain and simple fire. Not as radioactive, but it can still burn.
The past couple of weeks have been a whirlwind of chaos I often had difficulty taming within. It was something so simple coupled with the uneasy feeling of being vulnerable again and that just made everything feel like I was once again playing with fire. And I thought lightning didn’t strike the same spot twice.
It feels like a flame ignited somewhere inside and the more I try to blow it out, the stronger it just gets. I can hear my heartbeat thundering within, like a drumming in my ear. My insides feel all tangled up uncomfortably reminding me that this isn’t something all made up in my head. And I want to believe that I didn’t just conjure this (whatever this may be) out of loneliness and grief. I want to hold on to that feeling of hope even if there is a possibility of disappointment, just like anything worth it.
Of course there is fear. There will always be fear in something new or something familiar that you haven’t had in a while. I wish I could just lay it all out here; bear my soul that easily so I can finally unburden myself. But life surely cannot be that simple. We’ll have to swim in this ocean of uncertainty and have to be brave enough to face the waves of discomfort before we’re safely on the shore in a land we once stood on in a time that feels like an entire lifetime ago.
But if we do finally reach this new island together at the right time, I hope the storms we faced getting here become something that helps heal us. The scars will always be there and the goal isn’t to get rid of them. They’re going to always be there to remind us of our strength; of how we made it and got to where we are right now. Maybe exactly when we needed to. Not any sooner or later.
And if we truly are playing with fire, well, my dear, come set the world on fire with me.
Somewhere out there in a parallel universe (if not, then in another lifetime), everything went exactly as we wished it would. Life would be just as peaceful as rice growing on a simple plain. We might even find ourselves settling in a cute but very modern house in a quaint little area by the countryside growing our own crops and taking care of at least 3 dogs.
Once upon a time, we dreamed of waking up to the sound of the waves–waves that we thought could sweep away all our worries. We would walk towards the edge of the shore, welcoming the water to take us away into a world only we knew about.
Oh What's That? 