HAHAHAHAHA!!!
If you don’t get the joke, then you are a sad, sorry little Muggle, and you have my pity.
So I was just checking out the latest post on Embracing Insanity, and decided to do a similar post of my own. As I really don’t know who Chuck Norris is, I think the best way for me to explain this is to quote Aloha:
“I found a website (courtesy of SquirrelGirl’s deviantArt page…) that takes your first name and gender to write things that sound like the punchline of a Norris joke.”
Here’s the website used to create these particular bits of epicness. (Parenthesis indicate my sarcastic input.)
Mangoz is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. (And here I thought I was slimming down…)
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Mangoz glare will liquefy your kidneys.
Mangoz actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.
Mangoz was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. She declined because, “Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery.”
Faster than a speeding bullet … more powerful than a locomotive … able to leap tall buildings in a single bound… yes, these are some of Mangoz’s warm-up exercises.
In an emergency, Mangoz can be used as a floatation device.
Mangoz can split the atom. With her bare hands.
To be, or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Mangoz.
Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Mangoz’s first visit to Tokyo. (They were out of mangoes at the local market.)
Mangoz can hit you so hard that she can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell “What the hell was that?”
Mangoz grinds her coffee with her teeth and boils the water with her own rage. (She isn’t a morning person.)
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Mangoz and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Mangoz doesn’t have a bank account. She just tells the bank how much she needs. (With the help of her little friend.)
Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Mangoz will beat his ass and take it. (Take THAT, dominating male population!)
The phrase ‘dead ringer’ refers to someone who sits behind Mangoz in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
Mangoz cannot predict the future; the future just better do what Mangoz says. (I’ll get back to you on that after next year’s elections.)
Mangoz doesn’t daydream. She is too busy giving other people nightmares.
Mangoz describes human beings as “a sociable holder for blood and guts”.
Mangoz does not “style” her hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
When Mangoz does push-ups, she does not push herself up. She pushes the Earth down.
Mangoz knows the last digit of pi.
Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Mangoz.
Mangoz can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Mangoz as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.
Mr. T once defeated Mangoz in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Mangoz invented racism.
Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Mangozaurus.
Mangoz invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.
When Mangoz falls in water, Mangoz doesn’t get wet. Water gets Mangoz.
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Mangoz pajamas.
If you gave Mangoz a typewriter and 0.000000000000000000001th of a second she can write the Complete Works of Shakespeare.
Mangoz did in fact, build Rome in a day.
The square root of Mangoz is pain. Do not try to square Mangoz, the result is death.
Mangoz is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for her left and right legs.
Mangoz was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
Mangoz has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. She won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Mangoz allows to live.
Mangoz once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
When Mangoz breaks the law, the law doesn’t heal.
Mangoz once finished “The Song that Never Ends”.
Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Mangoz is on.
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Mangoz. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Mangoz’s PC will crash.
As President Roosevelt said: “We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Mangoz.” (Smart guy.)
The truth will set you free. Unless Mangoz has you, in which case, forget it buddy!
When Mangoz sneeze, she don’t say “Atchoo” she says “DIE EVERYONE!!!”. That’s what happens next.
They once made a Mangoz toilet paper, but there was a problem — It wouldn’t take sh*t from anybody.
Mangoz enjoys a good practical joke. Her favorite is where she removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then she cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting her on her balloon animal.
Mangoz is not Politically Correct. She is just Correct. Always.
‘Icy-Hot’ is too weak for Mangoz. After a workout, Mangoz rubs her muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA. (Taken from her bloodstream.)
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Mangoz. (Needless to say, she’s not good with kids.)
Scientists believe the world began with the “Big Bang”. Mangoz shrugs it off as a “bad case of gas”.
Mangoz once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told. (It drove itself straight though Edward Cullen’s slimy little heart.)
Mangoz doesn’t stub her toes. She accidentally destroys chairs, bed frames, and sidewalks.
Mangoz crossed the road. No one has ever dared question her motives. (Not even the chicken.)
Mangoz can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Mangoz sleeps with a pillow under her gun.
After taking a steroids test, doctors informed Mangoz that she had tested positive. She laughed upon receiving this information, and said “Of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?”
The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Mangoz.
The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on games of dodgeball Mangoz played in second grade.
When Mangoz goes to donate blood, she declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Mangoz thrives on pain. Mangoz then ripped off Jack Bauer’s arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.
When Mangoz looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Mangoz and Mangoz.
Mangoz can’t finish a “color by numbers” because her markers are filled with the blood of her victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red. (She uses her Vulcan victims for other purposes.)
“Brokeback Mountain” is not just a movie. It’s also what Mangoz calls the pile of dead ninjas in her front yard.
Mangoz can hold her breathe for nine years.
Crop circles are Mangoz’s way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
Hellen Keller’s favorite color is Mangoz.
Remember The Ultimate Warrior? She quit wrestling because Mangoz wanted her nickname back.
There is no such thing as global warming. Mangoz was cold, so she turned the sun up.
Noah was the only man notified before Mangoz relieved herself in the Atlantic Ocean.
July 4th is Independence day. And the day Mangoz was born. Coincidence? I think not.
Mangoz never goes to the dentist because her teeth are unbreakable. Her enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth. (As she considers everyone her enemy, all dentists have gone out of business.)
Mangoz starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. She injects it directly into her neck with a syringe. (She named it “Washington D.C.”)
On the SAT if you put Mangoz for every answer you will score over 8000.
A picture is worth a thousand words. A Mangoz is worth 1 billion words.
Once a cobra bit Mangoz’s leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Mangoz’s fist.
When Mangoz was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Mangoz.
There’s an order to the universe: space, time, Mangoz…. Just kidding, Mangoz is first.
When Mangoz plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy. (She’s not very good.)
Mangoz played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
If you spell Mangoz in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, “Please don’t kill me.” Too bad Mangoz doesn’t believe in magic. (And yet she’s still waiting for her Hogwarts letter of acceptance.)
Mangoz doesn’t bowl strikes, she just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
Most people know that Descarte said, “I think, therefore I am.” What most people don’t know is that that quote continues, “…afraid of Mangoz.”
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Mangoz says its beef, then it’s beef.
When Mangoz is ready to wake up, she tells the sun to get above the horizon. (If only it would listen to her…)
Mangoz is not only a noun, but a verb.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Mangoz can touch this.
Go do your own and post some of the results in your comments below!
(heehee)
Harvesting Mangoes 