At times in our lives we develop a sense of right and wrong. Sometimes that is early in life and the “that’s not fair” aspect comes to the fore. Sometimes it’s later in life when our eyes are opened to the possibility that certain things we’ve always assumed were right are actually suspect. Like when a familial characteristic or dynamic is found to not be universally accepted or performed. Sometimes we find ourselves confronted with a much deeper level of right and wrong. Times when we are confronted with something we experience that changes beliefs at our fundamental core and shapes our interaction with the world. Like when someone wrestles with faith-based issues. Sometimes in more powerful times we become enraptured with something so right or wrong it can transform us completely.
Far too often, especially when presented with things that we find are wrong, one can find themselves looking for responses and ways to stand up against them that can lead to self-harming or other-harming outcomes. The longer we do such things combined with the passions we may feel about those wrongs can lead us to interesting places. We can overcome our shyness or reticence to action, breaking free from a natural inertia. We can become so overwhelmed that we feel stuck and turn those churning emotions inward. We also can find ourselves needing to be distracted because our emotional and mental ability to deal with them seems inadequate, thus distancing feels like the only viable option to be able to continue to function.
Recently there are number of issues that I have been pushing myself to confront. A lot of them are societal, some are personal, others involve relationships. Rather than to delve in them during this post, I have found myself extremely reactionary. I, like many people, become passionate and perhaps not like many people, I have the tendency to confront or push hard when seeing something wrong that doesn’t seem to change easily.
Those types of fights can change someone over time. Sometimes, if we’re not careful, we could change irreparably.
I heard something that challenges me.
Define yourself by what you love, not what you oppose.
Too often when we advocate, we lose sight that whatever we oppose is actually not the important thing… it’s the thing we love that is threatened. Whatever you are defined by inherently creeps into the essence of your character. We become whatever we embrace, and when we oppose we have to absorb that to be able to oppose it. If you define yourself by what you love then you will have your character transformed by the positivity of that. If you do so with what you oppose or hate, your character will be transformed by the negativity of that also. We can become what we fight against if we’re not careful.
So, as we navigate these times where everything is hyper-charged and there is a lot at stake… I pray we embrace what we love to fight against what we oppose so we don’t lose ourselves in the process.
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I have spent a great deal of time off of writing. There were many reasons. Most were good reasons. Some glaring ones were because of major character flaws within myself. For a number of years since I was writing regularly here, I processed a lot of things verbally. Some of that involved necessity due to sharing my life with many people and not really having the time or motivation to quiet myself and reflect. Some of that involved the fact that I got used to living a life that I was projecting instead of just being me—strengths, faults, weaknesses, fears, dreams.
I had things I could lose which I never really had before. The love of my life. Purpose. Family. A way to give back. Yet, in the process of living two lives, my world understandably crumbled. When you don’t live your life, you tend to hide in fear of being discovered. So, you lie to cover yourself… and I surely did. When those lies come to light, you can damage everything you care about, and I lost all those things and people who I was afraid of losing.
I spent time in silence afterwards. I followed a path to a place in life where I was learning how to just be me. Not some ideal version of how I wanted others to see me, but myself. And a funny thing happened. The whole theme of this blog from waaaay back when was this search to be more permanent. There was a deep-seated desire to come face to face with an understanding of how to be permanent. For the last 5 years I have spent time being stretched in ways I did not like. Yet, I needed it. I spent the last 5 years trying to believe that there was something of real substance within me to build upon. That I might have a future and hope was a belief hard to hold onto. It still is.
I have been writing again. Not for public consumption. Not for someone else’s acceptance. Not to try to gain any bit of what I have lost back. But, to reflect and come to terms with the fact that I have become permanent the moment I stopped trying to appear to others… and just allowed myself to be.
I do not know what the future brings. I honestly do not know why I felt the need to write here other than to pull on the string that I spent the better part of a decade trying to unravel here on these webpages. I do not know if I will write here anymore. I know that I have been writing, processing, reflecting. I have time and space in my life to be able to reflect, and the natural way I interact will eventually reconnect. Writing, expressing. My relationship with words is still there. Rusty, awkward, scary, familiar. Like trying to apologise to an old lover for all the things that cannot remain unsaid, but knowing you cannot actually say everything that needs to be said.
It’s been a long time. But, I am beginning to see what it was inside me that I wanted for so long. Who knows? Maybe the journey really only is beginning.
Time will tell.
Temporary no More 