I am moving my blog to www.ourheartslinked.wordpress.com
Jeannette
Owen and me
My first grandson one day old.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
Reality TV or a day in my laugh
I started writing this post December 15th but I have been way too busy to finish it.
My kids always say that our life is funnier, crazier, and more dramatic than any reality TV show ever on. They will tell me that we should set up video cameras to follow us and capture the craziness. Yesterday was one of those days. My kids do things to make each other laugh all the time. They also fight and argue and get on each other's nerves. Think the antics of the Kardashians but without the privilege and money.
Allysa and I work together so when I drop off the boys at school she is with me. After working in an office for hours she has a bit of built up energy. We go to the boys high school and we see Alex across the grass laying down and talking with his girlfriend. Allysa being the awesome and amazing older sister yells as loud as she can "Alex, Alex, Alex (insert last name here) stop making out with your girlfriend. Alex come to the car right now your mom is waiting for you" She continues to yell and laugh until he gets to the car. Next Allysa sees Kenny and does the same thing to him. My boys are totally embarrassed but they are laughing most of the way home.
Then Kenny as we are driving home informs us that his dad wants a family meeting tonight. He wants to discuss the kids behavior etc. Kenny is riled up and gets his siblings riled up. My husband never mentioned anything to me(which is totally out of character for him). I text my husband and ask him what is going on. I guess it started off on Monday night that Kenny got annoyed because Cassie and Allysa were snapping at each other over the last day. Kenny thought it would be a good idea to have a family meeting so he talked to my husband alone. My husband allowed Kenny to talk and get out his frustration and then said something like well if I see a major problem I will have a family meeting. In typical 15 year old boy mode Kenny only listened to half of what my husband said, you know the half that acknowledged Kenny's feelings and ideas. So basically Kenny got everyone riled up and annoyed for no reason at all. Everyone calmed down and it became back to our peaceful family.
We get home and do a few things. I continue to check my work email from home but then remember I need to grab the mail. I go outside and I see 2 pairs of shoes on the ground, both of my boys shoes, the outside broom on the ground and my boys staring at the top of the tree. You know something bad is happening. My boys are standing on the damp grass in just socks so of course I ask what are you 2 doing now? Well they said, we threw a ball and it got stuck in the tree so now we are trying to get it out but more things are getting stuck in the tree. Wow I love those boys and I just ha to laugh and ask what else was stuck in the tree. They answered they have gotten a shoe stuck but then they threw the other shoe and got the stuck shoe out of the tree but the ball didn't come out. They then got the rake handle and threw it in the tree and got that stuck. Next they got a hockey stick stuck in the tree. Finally Kenny threw something and got the ball out of the tree along with the broom handle out of the tree. The only slight problem was they came within 3 inches of almost hitting Alex in the head when they fell. But they were both laughing.
They both came in and Kenny got ice for his hand. I find out Ken's first idea was to climb the tree to get the ball out but he cut open his hand a bit trying to climb it. He sat down for a few minutes and relaxed but somehow it turned into Allysa and Kenny wrestling. Kenny decided to try to hit Allysa with the ice (out of fun and not anger) so Allysa decided to take a spatula and hit Kenny with it. They let go of their "weapons" and pulled on each others ears. They finally called a truce and let go. But they were still laughing and nobody was hurt so I was not about to get upset about this.
A bit later we were about to sit down for dinner, we had leftovers so everyone individually warmed up there plate. Allysa did hers first and sat down to have some soda and soup. Someone said something and Allysa started laughing so hard that soda came out of her mouth and nose. She then commented that she almost peed her pants from laughing so hard. I looked at her pants and she was actually wearing my pants.
After dinner we decided to decorate the tree. I wanted to do it together as a family when everyone was in a good mood. It took from Sunday all the way til Wednesday to make that happen. I hung the lights on the tree by myself but let the kids put on the ornaments. Allysa has never decorated a tree before. Her mom always did it to make it look just right. I love to see my kids decorate it and enjoy the time together. Our tree does not look perfect, it will not be put in a store display but the kids had so much fun decorating it. Alex had 2 "baby's first Christmas" ornaments from when he was born. He took one and gave it to Allysa to mark us having a first Christmas with her. I marked Allysa's name on it too. Allysa took a bunch of ornaments and put them right together on the tree. She said this is for all of the adoptees that haven't found their families yet, we need to stick together.
I love perfect days like this...Merry Christmas.
My kids always say that our life is funnier, crazier, and more dramatic than any reality TV show ever on. They will tell me that we should set up video cameras to follow us and capture the craziness. Yesterday was one of those days. My kids do things to make each other laugh all the time. They also fight and argue and get on each other's nerves. Think the antics of the Kardashians but without the privilege and money.
Allysa and I work together so when I drop off the boys at school she is with me. After working in an office for hours she has a bit of built up energy. We go to the boys high school and we see Alex across the grass laying down and talking with his girlfriend. Allysa being the awesome and amazing older sister yells as loud as she can "Alex, Alex, Alex (insert last name here) stop making out with your girlfriend. Alex come to the car right now your mom is waiting for you" She continues to yell and laugh until he gets to the car. Next Allysa sees Kenny and does the same thing to him. My boys are totally embarrassed but they are laughing most of the way home.
Then Kenny as we are driving home informs us that his dad wants a family meeting tonight. He wants to discuss the kids behavior etc. Kenny is riled up and gets his siblings riled up. My husband never mentioned anything to me(which is totally out of character for him). I text my husband and ask him what is going on. I guess it started off on Monday night that Kenny got annoyed because Cassie and Allysa were snapping at each other over the last day. Kenny thought it would be a good idea to have a family meeting so he talked to my husband alone. My husband allowed Kenny to talk and get out his frustration and then said something like well if I see a major problem I will have a family meeting. In typical 15 year old boy mode Kenny only listened to half of what my husband said, you know the half that acknowledged Kenny's feelings and ideas. So basically Kenny got everyone riled up and annoyed for no reason at all. Everyone calmed down and it became back to our peaceful family.
We get home and do a few things. I continue to check my work email from home but then remember I need to grab the mail. I go outside and I see 2 pairs of shoes on the ground, both of my boys shoes, the outside broom on the ground and my boys staring at the top of the tree. You know something bad is happening. My boys are standing on the damp grass in just socks so of course I ask what are you 2 doing now? Well they said, we threw a ball and it got stuck in the tree so now we are trying to get it out but more things are getting stuck in the tree. Wow I love those boys and I just ha to laugh and ask what else was stuck in the tree. They answered they have gotten a shoe stuck but then they threw the other shoe and got the stuck shoe out of the tree but the ball didn't come out. They then got the rake handle and threw it in the tree and got that stuck. Next they got a hockey stick stuck in the tree. Finally Kenny threw something and got the ball out of the tree along with the broom handle out of the tree. The only slight problem was they came within 3 inches of almost hitting Alex in the head when they fell. But they were both laughing.
They both came in and Kenny got ice for his hand. I find out Ken's first idea was to climb the tree to get the ball out but he cut open his hand a bit trying to climb it. He sat down for a few minutes and relaxed but somehow it turned into Allysa and Kenny wrestling. Kenny decided to try to hit Allysa with the ice (out of fun and not anger) so Allysa decided to take a spatula and hit Kenny with it. They let go of their "weapons" and pulled on each others ears. They finally called a truce and let go. But they were still laughing and nobody was hurt so I was not about to get upset about this.
A bit later we were about to sit down for dinner, we had leftovers so everyone individually warmed up there plate. Allysa did hers first and sat down to have some soda and soup. Someone said something and Allysa started laughing so hard that soda came out of her mouth and nose. She then commented that she almost peed her pants from laughing so hard. I looked at her pants and she was actually wearing my pants.
After dinner we decided to decorate the tree. I wanted to do it together as a family when everyone was in a good mood. It took from Sunday all the way til Wednesday to make that happen. I hung the lights on the tree by myself but let the kids put on the ornaments. Allysa has never decorated a tree before. Her mom always did it to make it look just right. I love to see my kids decorate it and enjoy the time together. Our tree does not look perfect, it will not be put in a store display but the kids had so much fun decorating it. Alex had 2 "baby's first Christmas" ornaments from when he was born. He took one and gave it to Allysa to mark us having a first Christmas with her. I marked Allysa's name on it too. Allysa took a bunch of ornaments and put them right together on the tree. She said this is for all of the adoptees that haven't found their families yet, we need to stick together.
I love perfect days like this...Merry Christmas.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Wild Ride weekend
It has been quite a wild ride this weekend. My emotions were a little erratic. Friday Cassie had her orchestra performance and it was the first big one Allysa was able to see. I had seen Iadoptees post on Thursday but discussed it with Allysa before I put it on my facebook wall. Anything to do with adoption I discuss with Allysa before I put it on my wall. I don't want it to bother her so I just get her approval first. I do not have separate facebook accounts for the different parts of my life. My things are out there for everyone to see. My facebook has family, friends, adoption community, and even a few fb gamers (yes I am one of those dorks).
About 15 minutes after I put up Iadoptees post I saw that a facebook friend had put it up on her wall. I had no idea this person was attached to adoption in anyway. She had wrote that she is an adoptee. A short time later she had a comment on the link by a member of her adoptive family. I was so hurt and sad for her. She tried to speak out and she was shut down. We in the adoption blog world are used to being attacked and dismissed but most people are not used to it. My heart broke for her. I wanted to go write to this family member of hers and tell them how it feels to lose part of your family through adoption but I stayed quiet. This was not my battle to fight and I was not adopted so I can not say how that feels like.
I let it go and enjoyed Cassie's performance. It was so nice to have Allysa sit by me and enjoy this with her. Cassie loved having her (almost) whole family there to watch her. This is what she has always wanted to have. She calls it her real family, having ALL of her siblings together.
Saturday morning I woke up at 5:30am with a migraine. Not a good way to start off a busy day. This is the second Saturday in a row to start off that way. I was able to get it under control by noon and went over to my sister's house and we did our annual baking together. It was so nice to be with part of the family and just hang out. No pressure or anything just hang out and bake for a bit while we caught up with each other's lives. Allysa hung out with her cousins that were around. I watched her for a few minutes sitting on the ground by the Christmas tree with a box of Lego's dumped on the ground while she held her 6 year old cousin and played with him. It looked like a picture perfect Christmas. I went upstairs for a few minutes and let my tears come, how I wished Allysa could enjoy the same moments with her son. She was so tender with him and in the moment. It looked like it was just the two of them and the world stopped around them. Why in normal families get togethers are the older aunts, uncles, and cousins allowed to be alone in a room with the younger children so they can build there relationships, but in adoption us mothers who have given the ultimate "gift" (yuck) are deemed unworthy to even have a 30 minutes alone in the same room with our own children. Rebecca this is not directed at you at all. All adoptive parents should take your direction and lead. You are what every adoptive parent should try to emulate.
By that night I was going to a Christmas party at a friends house. I was really looking forward to dressing up and seeing some really amazing friends. I have been hanging out with a group of about 5 couples for 2+ years now. They are all good solid people. Most of us have been married 18 to 22 years. Some have kids and some do not. The environment is always relaxing, I think we are all pretty liberal and come from many very different religions. We can always talk, relax, and just enjoy each other's company. Everyone knows I have 4 kids but most of them don't know I placed Allysa, our reunion, and all of our drama. They just know I have 4 kids and 1 grandson.
I started talking to one of the husbands in the group and he asked about my religion. I told him I grew up Mormon but left the church about a year and a half ago. Of course he asked why. I joked well how much time do you have this is a long story. This is my usual way of answering the question. Most people don't probe any farther but we have built up a good relationship and see each other a lot. So he said I have hours and I would love to hear about it. I told him about losing Allysa
The next day we didn't do a whole lot. We slowly worked on chores and got a Christmas tree. Allysa and her fiancee made a really good cauliflower and potato soup for dinner. She has turned into such an amazing cook. Believe me it is not easy to cook vegan and soy free without food always tasting disgustingly healthy, she has learned to make food taste delicious. That evening we got bundled up, each of us had either a thermos of coffee or hot cocoa. I also brought a purse full of candy canes. We headed down town to Christmas in the Park. This is 2 acres of a park turned into Christmas land. There are over 200 different Christmas trees decorated from all kinds of organizations. There are also about 40 to 50 different Christmas scenes set up with animated figures. We try to go every few years and I wanted to show Allysa. I want her to see some of our family traditions. We spent almost 2 hours in downtown walking around, talking, and watching everything. I thought to myself the only thing that would make this more complete is a light snow falling (and Owen). Within 5 minutes we passed under a bubble machine that made it look like snow was falling. It was magical. Allysa decided to catch the snow with her tongue, she then realized it was bubbles and not snow. Bubbles do not taste as good as snow.
We came home and wanted to watch the movie Elf but it was too late on a school night. Cassie got bent out of shape over that. Of course it then turned into a little argument but overall a really good day.
About 15 minutes after I put up Iadoptees post I saw that a facebook friend had put it up on her wall. I had no idea this person was attached to adoption in anyway. She had wrote that she is an adoptee. A short time later she had a comment on the link by a member of her adoptive family. I was so hurt and sad for her. She tried to speak out and she was shut down. We in the adoption blog world are used to being attacked and dismissed but most people are not used to it. My heart broke for her. I wanted to go write to this family member of hers and tell them how it feels to lose part of your family through adoption but I stayed quiet. This was not my battle to fight and I was not adopted so I can not say how that feels like.
I let it go and enjoyed Cassie's performance. It was so nice to have Allysa sit by me and enjoy this with her. Cassie loved having her (almost) whole family there to watch her. This is what she has always wanted to have. She calls it her real family, having ALL of her siblings together.
Saturday morning I woke up at 5:30am with a migraine. Not a good way to start off a busy day. This is the second Saturday in a row to start off that way. I was able to get it under control by noon and went over to my sister's house and we did our annual baking together. It was so nice to be with part of the family and just hang out. No pressure or anything just hang out and bake for a bit while we caught up with each other's lives. Allysa hung out with her cousins that were around. I watched her for a few minutes sitting on the ground by the Christmas tree with a box of Lego's dumped on the ground while she held her 6 year old cousin and played with him. It looked like a picture perfect Christmas. I went upstairs for a few minutes and let my tears come, how I wished Allysa could enjoy the same moments with her son. She was so tender with him and in the moment. It looked like it was just the two of them and the world stopped around them. Why in normal families get togethers are the older aunts, uncles, and cousins allowed to be alone in a room with the younger children so they can build there relationships, but in adoption us mothers who have given the ultimate "gift" (yuck) are deemed unworthy to even have a 30 minutes alone in the same room with our own children. Rebecca this is not directed at you at all. All adoptive parents should take your direction and lead. You are what every adoptive parent should try to emulate.
By that night I was going to a Christmas party at a friends house. I was really looking forward to dressing up and seeing some really amazing friends. I have been hanging out with a group of about 5 couples for 2+ years now. They are all good solid people. Most of us have been married 18 to 22 years. Some have kids and some do not. The environment is always relaxing, I think we are all pretty liberal and come from many very different religions. We can always talk, relax, and just enjoy each other's company. Everyone knows I have 4 kids but most of them don't know I placed Allysa, our reunion, and all of our drama. They just know I have 4 kids and 1 grandson.
I started talking to one of the husbands in the group and he asked about my religion. I told him I grew up Mormon but left the church about a year and a half ago. Of course he asked why. I joked well how much time do you have this is a long story. This is my usual way of answering the question. Most people don't probe any farther but we have built up a good relationship and see each other a lot. So he said I have hours and I would love to hear about it. I told him about losing Allysa
The next day we didn't do a whole lot. We slowly worked on chores and got a Christmas tree. Allysa and her fiancee made a really good cauliflower and potato soup for dinner. She has turned into such an amazing cook. Believe me it is not easy to cook vegan and soy free without food always tasting disgustingly healthy, she has learned to make food taste delicious. That evening we got bundled up, each of us had either a thermos of coffee or hot cocoa. I also brought a purse full of candy canes. We headed down town to Christmas in the Park. This is 2 acres of a park turned into Christmas land. There are over 200 different Christmas trees decorated from all kinds of organizations. There are also about 40 to 50 different Christmas scenes set up with animated figures. We try to go every few years and I wanted to show Allysa. I want her to see some of our family traditions. We spent almost 2 hours in downtown walking around, talking, and watching everything. I thought to myself the only thing that would make this more complete is a light snow falling (and Owen). Within 5 minutes we passed under a bubble machine that made it look like snow was falling. It was magical. Allysa decided to catch the snow with her tongue, she then realized it was bubbles and not snow. Bubbles do not taste as good as snow.
We came home and wanted to watch the movie Elf but it was too late on a school night. Cassie got bent out of shape over that. Of course it then turned into a little argument but overall a really good day.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Dec 6 birthdays
Today is my oldest nieces birthday, she turned 24 December 6. I know my sister had a very difficult time when she had Cheri. Shana was just 16 years old and still going to high school. She did end up graduating with all A's and B's. She married Cheri's dad and had 2 more children. She ended up being a single mom with 3 kids by the time she was 25 years old. She always worked, and worked very hard. As the years went by it was rare that she even got child support, she was the sole provider of her children. She did remarry when her youngest was about 6 and Cheri was about 12. She didn't always know how she would pay for everything but she made it work. Did she struggle? Yes she did. Was she a good mom? Absolutely. Would my niece have been better off if she was adopted? I truly don't think so.
My sister did fight to keep her daughter. She fought my mom, her doctor, members of her church. She had to prove to everyone wrong about their ideas of single young mothers. We talked about this a few years ago, she told me she would not have lived if she would have placed Cheri. That is the one thing that would have broke her. It is not selfish or unloving to parent your children even as a single mom. Cheri, I am so glad your mom made the decision she did. I'm glad you are my niece and I have been able to watch you grow up.
And to the other birthday today. It is my nephew John Robert, he was born Dec 6, 1995. He is my brother's child. I have not seen him since he was a few days old. My brother was about 16 and so was his girlfriend. This was the only child that either of them had. He was placed for adoption. I do not know all the details of why or how everyone feels about it. It is a subject we don't talk about. I did talk to John's mother about a year and a half ago. Her life has been a bit chaotic since she placed and she feels it was the best for him to be placed. How John feels, I do not know. I don't even know what his name was changed to. My brother and I do not discuss this at all. I do think of him and wonder what he is like. I wonder if he looks more like my family or his moms family. Is he tall and thin like his dad. Does he play music? I hope he is okay. I hope he hasn't struggled, I hope he is happy and knows he is loved. I wonder if he wants contact with us? I do want to meet him. I do want to look into his eyes. I was there when he was born and I would have loved to watch him grow up.
I do not know what city or state he is in but I wonder if I have seen him passing by. He is 8 months older than my Kenny. I wonder how they would get along if they have similar interest. We live in a city of about a million people, do my sons and John have friends in common? John if you ever happen upon this post I would love contact with you. I"m sorry we didn't fight harder to keep you in the family. I do love you and think of you often.
My sister did fight to keep her daughter. She fought my mom, her doctor, members of her church. She had to prove to everyone wrong about their ideas of single young mothers. We talked about this a few years ago, she told me she would not have lived if she would have placed Cheri. That is the one thing that would have broke her. It is not selfish or unloving to parent your children even as a single mom. Cheri, I am so glad your mom made the decision she did. I'm glad you are my niece and I have been able to watch you grow up.
And to the other birthday today. It is my nephew John Robert, he was born Dec 6, 1995. He is my brother's child. I have not seen him since he was a few days old. My brother was about 16 and so was his girlfriend. This was the only child that either of them had. He was placed for adoption. I do not know all the details of why or how everyone feels about it. It is a subject we don't talk about. I did talk to John's mother about a year and a half ago. Her life has been a bit chaotic since she placed and she feels it was the best for him to be placed. How John feels, I do not know. I don't even know what his name was changed to. My brother and I do not discuss this at all. I do think of him and wonder what he is like. I wonder if he looks more like my family or his moms family. Is he tall and thin like his dad. Does he play music? I hope he is okay. I hope he hasn't struggled, I hope he is happy and knows he is loved. I wonder if he wants contact with us? I do want to meet him. I do want to look into his eyes. I was there when he was born and I would have loved to watch him grow up.
I do not know what city or state he is in but I wonder if I have seen him passing by. He is 8 months older than my Kenny. I wonder how they would get along if they have similar interest. We live in a city of about a million people, do my sons and John have friends in common? John if you ever happen upon this post I would love contact with you. I"m sorry we didn't fight harder to keep you in the family. I do love you and think of you often.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Dirty Little Secret
I just read 2 good blogs with comments. The first is FMF and the second is Living Life. Go read them and then come back. This might take a while. Of course both of these are written by mothers and not adoptees. Adoptees have made some very good comments so we can understand it from their perspective too. One adoptee blogged about this too at what the hell am I supposed to call this.
About a year ago my daughter and I were talking about what it is like to be adopted. How she feels about it, what her perspective is. She had said no one would choose to be pulled between two families for eternity. Belonging to both families but neither family at the same time. She is quite wise for her 19 years, if I do say so myself.
I had thought recently how nice it would be if we could all get together for the holidays. Not nice as in wow you are amazing let's be one happy family but nice as in it would be good for our daughter to not feel pulled between both families. We share one grandchild, and hopefully we will share more grand kids in the future. We will be attending our daughter's wedding in June so it would be best to learn to get along and maybe even like each other. It would be nice for her not to feel torn between us. My daughter has never had to keep her parents as a DLS from me. I have tried to encourage her to keep the communication lines opened. They will always be her parents. I know she will always love them. I know sometimes she has had to keep me as a DLS, she can't always tell them about our interactions (before she moved in). They seemed to feel betrayed because we have a relationship. I have came to their door to pick up Allysa and they have refused to come to the door because they knew I was there. Yes that hurt, who wouldn't be hurt by that but that is what they have to deal with. I can't put Allysa in the middle of our feelings we were the adults and made a decision about her life, her adoption. We as her parents have to deal with the aftermath (and to me that includes dealing with each other).
A couple months ago I was out Ken's Boy Scout Court of Honor. This is the the meeting that happens every 3 months that parents, family members, and friends are invited to. The boys receive their merit badges and new ranks. A fellow parent came up to me and introduced herself to Allysa. This parent said something along the lines of "You must be Jeannette's daughter, it is so nice to finally meet you." I could tell Allysa was happy. She realized that she wasn't a DLS of mine. She was loved and wanted and she realized I wasn't ashamed of her. My friends and acquaintances knew about her even if Allysa had never met them.
If you are a mother who surrendered please don't allow your child to be a DLS. I know it is hard to come out of our closet. We don't want everyone to know about our decision to surrender. I know how hard it is and the judgement that you feel from others. But it is worth it for your relationship with your child. No one wants to be a DLS.
About a year ago my daughter and I were talking about what it is like to be adopted. How she feels about it, what her perspective is. She had said no one would choose to be pulled between two families for eternity. Belonging to both families but neither family at the same time. She is quite wise for her 19 years, if I do say so myself.
I had thought recently how nice it would be if we could all get together for the holidays. Not nice as in wow you are amazing let's be one happy family but nice as in it would be good for our daughter to not feel pulled between both families. We share one grandchild, and hopefully we will share more grand kids in the future. We will be attending our daughter's wedding in June so it would be best to learn to get along and maybe even like each other. It would be nice for her not to feel torn between us. My daughter has never had to keep her parents as a DLS from me. I have tried to encourage her to keep the communication lines opened. They will always be her parents. I know she will always love them. I know sometimes she has had to keep me as a DLS, she can't always tell them about our interactions (before she moved in). They seemed to feel betrayed because we have a relationship. I have came to their door to pick up Allysa and they have refused to come to the door because they knew I was there. Yes that hurt, who wouldn't be hurt by that but that is what they have to deal with. I can't put Allysa in the middle of our feelings we were the adults and made a decision about her life, her adoption. We as her parents have to deal with the aftermath (and to me that includes dealing with each other).
A couple months ago I was out Ken's Boy Scout Court of Honor. This is the the meeting that happens every 3 months that parents, family members, and friends are invited to. The boys receive their merit badges and new ranks. A fellow parent came up to me and introduced herself to Allysa. This parent said something along the lines of "You must be Jeannette's daughter, it is so nice to finally meet you." I could tell Allysa was happy. She realized that she wasn't a DLS of mine. She was loved and wanted and she realized I wasn't ashamed of her. My friends and acquaintances knew about her even if Allysa had never met them.
If you are a mother who surrendered please don't allow your child to be a DLS. I know it is hard to come out of our closet. We don't want everyone to know about our decision to surrender. I know how hard it is and the judgement that you feel from others. But it is worth it for your relationship with your child. No one wants to be a DLS.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving was amazing. For the first time ever I had all of my kids together. It was L-O-U-D and they were rambunctious, there was laughter and even a little bit of arguing. But I had all of my kids. I missed Owen incredibly though. Our little family will not be complete without him. He is so loved and he will always be part of our family even though he isn't with us. I wonder how Allysa's other parents are dealing without having her with them for the holidays? I know what it is like not to have one of your children with you. To celebrate holidays as a family but have your loved one missing, it does hurt. I'm sure they are feeling what I have felt over the last 19 years.
One really cool thing happened on Thanksgiving. Jer's grandmother was handing out Christmas cards with money in them. She was giving them out to each of her grand kids and great grand kids. She had a card for Allysa too. My eyes watered up, I held in my joy and my tears. Allysa was accepted without question by Jer's grandma. When I was pregnant with her I was told how no man would ever accept her, no family would want me and my daughter to marry into their family. Jer's family has shown me other wise. His grandma is 80myears old and hard core Catholic but she accepts my daughter without question.
I think it is much easier to accept a toddler than a 19 year old daughter that has returned to her natural family. My husband's family has accepted her. They love her. The one thing that I was told would not ever be possible has happened. You know what? They would have accepted me with my one year old daughter 18 years ago as much as they accept us now.
Oh how I wish I could go back to my 16 year old self and tell her what I know now. Do not believe the industries lies. They are there to make a profit. You can raise your child, you will find the man of your dreams in just over a year. He will accept and love both of you. His family will love the both of you too. You can raise this beautiful baby just as well as a married older couple can. Oh my 16 year old self I wish you knew what I know now.
One really cool thing happened on Thanksgiving. Jer's grandmother was handing out Christmas cards with money in them. She was giving them out to each of her grand kids and great grand kids. She had a card for Allysa too. My eyes watered up, I held in my joy and my tears. Allysa was accepted without question by Jer's grandma. When I was pregnant with her I was told how no man would ever accept her, no family would want me and my daughter to marry into their family. Jer's family has shown me other wise. His grandma is 80myears old and hard core Catholic but she accepts my daughter without question.
I think it is much easier to accept a toddler than a 19 year old daughter that has returned to her natural family. My husband's family has accepted her. They love her. The one thing that I was told would not ever be possible has happened. You know what? They would have accepted me with my one year old daughter 18 years ago as much as they accept us now.
Oh how I wish I could go back to my 16 year old self and tell her what I know now. Do not believe the industries lies. They are there to make a profit. You can raise your child, you will find the man of your dreams in just over a year. He will accept and love both of you. His family will love the both of you too. You can raise this beautiful baby just as well as a married older couple can. Oh my 16 year old self I wish you knew what I know now.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
To my kids
Sunday was a really bad, horrible, awful parenting day. My emotions were out of wrack and I handled every situation with my kids badly horribly. Usually I try my best, sometimes (or a lot of times) I mess up. Sunday I just didn't care. I wanted things to go exactly how I wanted them. I didn't want to deal with anyone elses emotions, wants, or needs. I just totally was out of line. I did yell, I am a very confrontational person I do not keep things inside when I am upset. If I am upset with you and I keep it inside it is because you are not worth my effort to get upset with. You are not worth my time.
I have waited 19 years years to parent all of my children and I just screw it up, not just a little bit but majorly. I got everyone pissed off and angry with me. Everyone but my husband, he has a way to love me through my bad days. I forget I have to be so careful with Allysa, I didn't parent her, things set her off differently than the other kids. Allysa does not confront when she is upset she puts her walls up and is ready to run. She did not leave but I know she was so close to she wanted to just leave me and never return. If she did I wouldn't blame her either.
There have been so many changes so fast that I just exploded over small things. Part of the problem (my issue) is Allysa getting married. I am happy and excited for her but I feel like I am losing my little girl, my baby all over again. What if she doesn't want me anymore? These are my problems, my emotions not hers. She has done nothing to make me think she doesn't want me in her life but it is my biggest fear. Letting go again and preparing myself for it does tear me apart.
Saturday we found out that Owen and his parents won't make it to the wedding. Yes, that hurt, it hurt incredibly. It was just one more time to say "you aren't our family". I know it wasn't meant that way but it still feels that way. It still hurts. I'm sure they have valid reasons but we can still hurt and feel sad. Just like if Allysa had decided to parent they would have been sad and be hurt over that and they would feel pain.
I don't think Allysa has fully forgiven me for getting so upset on Sunday. I am sure she feels resentment and pain towards me. Allysa if you read this please know that I love you so much. I'm sorry for failing you, I'm sorry for failing your siblings too. I will try harder. I know I am the farthest thing from perfect but I do love each of you incredibly much.
Love Always,
Mama
I have waited 19 years years to parent all of my children and I just screw it up, not just a little bit but majorly. I got everyone pissed off and angry with me. Everyone but my husband, he has a way to love me through my bad days. I forget I have to be so careful with Allysa, I didn't parent her, things set her off differently than the other kids. Allysa does not confront when she is upset she puts her walls up and is ready to run. She did not leave but I know she was so close to she wanted to just leave me and never return. If she did I wouldn't blame her either.
There have been so many changes so fast that I just exploded over small things. Part of the problem (my issue) is Allysa getting married. I am happy and excited for her but I feel like I am losing my little girl, my baby all over again. What if she doesn't want me anymore? These are my problems, my emotions not hers. She has done nothing to make me think she doesn't want me in her life but it is my biggest fear. Letting go again and preparing myself for it does tear me apart.
Saturday we found out that Owen and his parents won't make it to the wedding. Yes, that hurt, it hurt incredibly. It was just one more time to say "you aren't our family". I know it wasn't meant that way but it still feels that way. It still hurts. I'm sure they have valid reasons but we can still hurt and feel sad. Just like if Allysa had decided to parent they would have been sad and be hurt over that and they would feel pain.
I don't think Allysa has fully forgiven me for getting so upset on Sunday. I am sure she feels resentment and pain towards me. Allysa if you read this please know that I love you so much. I'm sorry for failing you, I'm sorry for failing your siblings too. I will try harder. I know I am the farthest thing from perfect but I do love each of you incredibly much.
Love Always,
Mama
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)