It’s Been A While…

Posted on by Standard 1

So it’s been close to a year since I posted last. I wish I would have been able to keep up with this better than I have.  I am pretty disappointed in myself.

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In the past year, we have dealt with a ton of doctors.  So many appointments and lots of therapy.  Paxton is doing well though.  She now wears glasses because she is farsighted.  She has a cataract, but we are waiting to remove it when she’s a little older.  image

She’s an amazing girl.  Despite all of the trouble she has had learning to do the things that full term babies do with little effort, she has overcome so much.  She is finally trying to walk.  She has come so far.  She complains a little when we try to make her side sit and stand up without using a table or piece of furniture.  She works very hard.

Feeding her was a dream…until recently.  She decided she wanted to have a strong opinion about foods.  I don’t even bother fighting with her.  I keep offering the healthy foods and the foods she likes.  I am hoping that eventually she will just eat everything.

She has been a dream to be honest.  She has healed my heart so much.  I never thought I would smile again, but here I am….smiling.  There is so much joy in my heart…even though the sadness still lives there too.  Mason will always weigh heavy on my mind, but I am at peace with his death now.  He had to live and die in order for Paxton to be a part of our lives. Peace has not come easy, but it is here.

That’s all for today.  Hopefully I will post more since our appointments are not as frequent lately.

So Much Time has Passed…and so much has happened

Posted on by Standard 2

I feel horrible that i have not posted in so very long.  It has been a whirlwind of a year.  A very worrisome year.  When I posted my last entry, we still did not know if our rainbow was a boy or a girl.  We had no clue if she was going to make it.  What happened 2 months later was very scary.

On the year anniversary ofour angel Mason’s birth, I was admitted for the pregnancy with our rainbow because of the resistance in the cord.  They wanted to administer the Steroid shots for her lungs and then I could go home.  They had previously decided against them, so when he admitted me, it scared me.  Plus I was put in a a labor and delivery room on the day of his birth a year later.  I was an emotional mess.  The midwife wanted me to take some tiny pills to calm me down.  they were homeopathic, but I did not want to risk anything.  I was 25 weeks along.  I still had a long way to go.  They told me I would be there two days.

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After two days, the doctor did a doppler ultrasound and noticed that my amniotic fluid had increased.  So he sat us down and told us that he was admitting me for the duration of the pregnancy.  I couldn’t  believe what I was hearing.  I had to stay in the hospital for 15 weeks?  Yes I wanted my baby, but two days in that hospital was driving me nuts.  The german way of eating is horrible for Americans.  No TV in English.  Nurses did not speak English.  It was torture.  But I did it.  For 5 weeks.

At an ultrasound, as the doctor looked at the resistance in the cord I noticed some excessive coiling in the cord.  I asked him if he could go back and measure how many coils were in the cord.  There was 3 in 7.5cm.  That is 2 per 5cm.  Too many.  It is part of the reason Mason died.  So needless to say, I freaked.  I was 30 weeks…same gestation he died.  Everything was looking bad at this point.  Blood flow to placenta, cord resistance, brain profusion…all of it was going down hill.  it was just a matter of time before he delivered her, until we saw the twisting of the cord.  He wanted to go two more weeks, but I couldn’t wait.  I could not chance it.  My emotions got the best of me.  My nerves were shot.  I could not lose this precious baby.

The doctor got word that I was pretty much losing my mind, so he came and talked to me.  He told me because of my emotional state and the baby’s cord that he was going to schedule a C-section in 2 days time.  However, he wanted a chance to go home and research the cord accident that Mason had died of and was presenting in this baby.

The next morning he came in while I was having a NST or CTG as they call it here.  He told me, “Mrs. B, We will be taking the baby tomorrow morning.  You are correct and this baby needs to be delivered.”  I was terrified.  I had been researching premature birth.  I had researched statistics of babies born at 30 weeks when Mason died.  I knew the risk.  I knew the numbers.  So we did it.

At 8:40am on April 30, 2014, our precious Paxton Hazel was born.  She weighed 3lbs 4oz.  She was 15 inches long.  I had to wait a couple of hours to go see her, but my husband went to see her while I was in recovery.  He brought me back a photo.  She was so red, so tiny, so beautiful.  I was finally moved to my room and I was ready to go see my baby.  The midwife told me I had to wait until the next day because I needed to recover from the csection.  Had this woman lost her damn mind?  I was going to go see my baby.  There was no one that could stop me.  I could understand if the baby was in danger, but my husband could go see her….so I knew she was okay.  So my husband had to take the Midwife out of the room and explain to her that she was going to have to let me go, that I would not give up until I saw our little girl.  So they got me a wheelchair and I painfully made my way into it.  I was in tremendous pain, but I had to see her.  Seeing her was worth any amount of pain I might suffer doing so.

I was instantly brought to tears when I saw her.  She was so tiny.  So fragile.  She had all these lines and tubes.  She had a CPAP on.  The breath was knocked out of me.  This was the first days of many that would be spent sitting next to her little incubator praying.

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Her first couple of weeks she spent on the high side of NICU, she flew through all the things she needed to to go down to the next level.  She was breathing on her own, she was doing well.  The doctor called Paxton, her “Nerd”.  This baby was doing so well.  Then they moved her down to the next level.  That’s when things got rough.  Paxtons heart rate and oxygen levels kept dropping.  She could not remember to breathe.  She had to be stimulated so very often.  They finally decided to do an EEG to check for issue with the brain.  She had spikes, as they called it.  There is not much NICU lingo I know because of the language barrier here in Germany, so forgive my small NICU vocabulary.  I can only explain the way it was explained to me.  Okay, so they found spikes in the brain waves.  They determined she was having Neonatal Seizures.  So they put her on Anti-seizure meds.  After a week or so, it was not helping.  They finally decided it was time to put her back on the CPAP.  Maybe it was Apnea of prematurity?  After three days of CPAP, she finally remembered to breathe.  She only needed a little oxygen to keep her oxygen up.  Many more days were spent in that part of NICU.

Around June 14th, she was moved to the regular Peds Nursery.  This was our last step before home.  I couldn’t wait, but I was so scared.  The day they asked me if I was ready for her to come home I asked them, “Are you sure?”.  Most NICU parents can’t wait for that day.  Me?  I was trying to have them keep her longer.  She was 39 weeks Gestation when she came home on July 2nd.  It was an amazing day.  I was able to walk out of a hospital with a baby in my arms….like I should have the previous year.  God watched over us and our little girl.  We had so many prayers being said for us.  So many thoughts, so many good vibes.  It was amazing.

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There has been little issues along the way.  Paxton failed her hearing test upon release.  She failed them a second and third time a month later.  So we worried about her being deaf.  It turned out she only needed time or she was ignoring us.  She hears fine now.  She also has an issue with Hypertonia.  Too much muscle tone.  So we have therapy twice a week and I do her exercises at home.  There is a lot of work with it and a lot of work ahead of us.  Paxton also has a cataract in her eye that I noticed before discharge.  It was so tiny, that even the eye doctor missed it, until I pointed it out.  It has gradually grown larger, but it is only in one eye and it is still small enough so that she can see around it.  We dilate her eye daily to help.  We are trying to avoid surgery while she is this young, because it is just too much on a little baby.  Then there is the problem with her kidney that was noticed before birth.  They told us she had Hydronephrosis, swelling of the kidney, but now it may be a number of things.  She is till too little for an MRI the doc says, so we are waiting.  He said it could be a cyst or hydronephrosis.  He also said it could be a third kidney.  We don’t want to do anything until there are issues.  She needs to wait for anything that will require he being put under.  So it is a waiting game.

She is beautifully amazing.  She has healed our hearts so much.  I could go on forever about this little fighter, but I must close because she is a demanding little booger.

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A Rainbow Amongst the Storm

Posted on by Standard 2

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On January 25th it will be 10 months since I gave birth to my beautiful sleeping angel. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about him or miss him. As I walk this journey of grief, I am also walking a separate journey. Mason and God have given us a gift. On October 28th, we found out we are expecting again. It has been a whirlwind of emotions and very overwhelming.

As I have said before we are now living in Germany and I have new doctors. Very thorough doctors. They have discovered so much about what has been wrong with me and maybe why I lose babies. I have been diagnosed with MTHFR and a type of Antibody that can harm babies. So with that I just worry my self to pieces. They have started me on a new medicine during this pregnancy on top of the baby aspirin. Fragmin P Forte. It is a type of heparin. My legs are a little bruised and a little sore, but everything is worth it. I will also take progesterone until at least 30 weeks.

So far the ultrasounds are looking good. The baby is growing well and physically looks good. My chances for having a baby that has Down syndrome is less that that of a 15 year old after the testing they have done. So all in all, everything is good. I have to worry though because everything was good with Mason…and look at what happened to him. But I must have faith in God, myself and in my doctors.

My new doctor is planning on giving a steroid that develops the baby’s lungs at 24 weeks. He will closely monitor the baby and his or her cord and go from there. With the MTHFR, he is hoping we make it to 38 weeks but he is preparing to take the baby early of needed. So…we must take it one day at a time and we must live like it could be our last.

I know pregnancy announcements are hard for most that are reading this, but please know that I mean to cause no pain to you. I send you my love and I pray that one day your rainbow will appear and you will have some happiness in your heart again. I know this journey is difficult…both journeys. Walking the path or grief and the path of hope is so very tiring….but I would walk forever to hold this baby that grows within me and to raise him or her. I will also walk the path of grief to hold my son in Heaven again.

Germany and Little Mason Upstairs

Posted on by Standard 2

So as I said in my last post, we made it to Germany. The flight was not that horrible, but the emotions were all over the place. I should have had a baby with me. It was hard because the lady to my right had a baby that was probably about the same age as Mason should be. I had to watch her change him, breastfeed him and love him. All I could think was that that should be me. On top of it there was a woman who was probably 8 months pregnant in front of me. But all in all the flight was okay.
So we arrived in Germany and the guys who my husband works with picked us up. The ride was a very long one. They told us about an hour and a half…..Lets try THREE HOURS. So once we arrived we got checked in the hotel and prepared to be there for up to 60 days. That is a long time to be stuck in a hotel. It was comfortable though. I could not believe what happened on day two though. They offered us housing. That is pretty unusual from what I have read of other peoples experiences. I was pretty excited.
On day three, we went to look at the houses they gave us keys to. House number one was Air Force housing. Mind you we are Army. Air Force housing is usually nicer than Army housing, and it was. My husband had other plans though. House number two…why am I saying house? It is Stairwell apartments. They are horrible no matter how nice they are. Anyhow, back to house number two. It was a little bigger in the living area and kitchen. However the bedrooms are smaller. I don’t think I ever really had a choice though. The guys that my husband works with live in the same building. One right across the hallway, another in the next hallway and another in the next building. So I get talked in to this apartment. We had several more we could have chosen from but my husband was set on this one. So we head to housing to accept it.
At housing we are all sitting around waiting to be called in and the soldier who is driving us around mentions that the woman above our new apartment just brought her baby home. She was born at 26 weeks gestation. Tears instantly filled my eyes. Could they have not told me this before I chose the house? They knew our situation because we told them. So I asked my husband if he was okay with it and we both decided that we could not shelter ourselves forever. So we got our keys to the apartment. We moved in the next day.
The day we moved in, we met the wives of the other soldiers he works with and one of them starts talking about the babies she babysits upstairs. The premature baby’s name is Peyton and the 13 month olds name is Mason. MASON? All I can think to myself is, “Why?”. Why did we chose an apartment with a little boy named Mason upstairs? Plus a miracle lives upstairs. My thoughts were, “why is God punishing me?”. What is the likelihood that this would happen to someone who just lost a baby named Mason? So I posed the question on Facebook. All my friends say there is a reason behind it. That there is always a reason behind everything. Torture? Is that the reason?
It has now been a month and I still cannot figure out what that reason is. I have to listen to this little boy named Mason run throughout the house daily. I can hear both of the babies crying daily. Plus I can here this mother cussing at her 13 month old all day. Lets not forget this woman and her husband leave both of the babies in the house alone a lot. It drives me insane. She says there is nothing wrong with Peyton. She has no health issues. I do not care if she has no health issues. Anything can happen when you leave your children alone. I have not said anything to her really, just questioned how the baby is doing. But I want to scream at her. She has also came outside complaining about her son and how she is sooooo done with him. That he needs to go to sleep, blah blah blah. Not only do I face her complaining daily, but I also found out that the three months the baby was in the hospital both the parents were barely there. They were at home having drinking parties. I am sorry but if my son were in the NICU fighting for his life….I sure would not be at home drinking. I would be pumping milk. I would be at the hospital every minute I could. I would be bonding with my son, which is something she complains that she has not done with her daughter. How in the hell do you bond with your child when you are at home drinking and she is fighting for her life in the hospital? Maybe I am too judgmental, but it hurts my heart daily.
So, this is my life as of now. There is some more going on, but I am just not ready to go in to it yet. Fear riddles my body and mind. I will post more later. I have a doctors appointment with a high risk OB to discuss having another baby. I have been assured that I am in a good place for that. Here’s hoping.

One Big Emotional Mess and Moving to Germany

Posted on by Standard 2

It has been forever since I has posted here. I feel horrible because I originally started this so I could help others that have faced the unimaginable. I am going to try to keep up with this, but Things are still a little crazy.
In August, my husband left for school. He was gone for a month and a half. I thought, “A month and a half? No big deal.” I wish it were not a big deal, but it was. Since Mason was born I had never “really” been alone. He was home every evening and he kept my mind occupied. That first week after he left was a tough one. Troi had just started school and I was alone at night while she was sleeping. It sucked. Not to mention, a week after he was to return home we were leaving for Germany. I had to have all the stuff done, deal with movers and all the paperwork for shipping our vehicle plus my emotions. I am pretty sure I was well on my way to nervous breakdown.

He made it home finally towards the end of September and we left out for Germany on the 7th of October. It has been a culture shock for me. However, we don’t have a vehicle, so I do not get to go that much. We got our house shortly after getting here, so now we are just waiting for our personal stuff to get here. I could go into a ton of deatail over the flight and the arrival and everything else, but it is just too much emotion and too much anger to get in to. Anyhow, I am going to close for now and I will try to post something tomorrow.

Heartache and Time

Posted on by Standard 2

It has been so long since I have posted on here. I feel horrible, but I also have not written to my angel in my journal forever either. Guilt overwhelms me.
We started trying again for another baby and I guess that is really when it started. I got a positive test. But in the end, it was just more disappointment. It was a chemical pregnancy. The pain from those first weeks came back. The pain that is still there, but just hiding waiting for the moment to pounce. That’s how this grief feels to me. It is like this Lion laying in wait. Its there and I know it. Sometimes it get closer and my heart races and it is hard to breathe. Sometimes it is hiding so well that I can breathe and smile again. But then out of nowhere, it attacks. It tears me apart. My heart stops for a second. It feels as though a thousand pounds sits on my chest. I can’t get away. I can’t move. I can’t scream because of the weight on my chest. I grasp for anything to hold….but it is so far out of reach. I cry for my baby. I sob. I watch everyone moving, living their life. Mine is ending. This lion is about to rip the very heart from my chest. I can feel my heart about to burst. Why can’t anyone hear me? Why doesn’t someone rescue me? Where is my husband? My hero? He’s wrapped up in lifting weights, excited for a move to Germany that I don’t want to make…he has moved on. He does not cry. He does not talk. He lets this lion rip me to pieces. I know he can’t help me through the grief. I know he has his own way, but a hug, a kiss, a sign that he remembers…something…anything would help. But he does not. He does not hear my screams. He does not hear my sobs at night. He misses the tears as we sit and watch tv. Soon the lion will retreat and I will be able to breathe again. I will patch my wounds. I will heal a little, but all the while I wait. I wait for the lion named Grief to pounce again.
None of this may make sense to you…and God knows I need to do more proofreading and editing. Plus I need to make more time for this so I can actually write something that actually makes sense. But right now I am overwhelmed with everything. Grieving for a baby and moving to another country. I will write more later.

A Month Away

Posted on by Standard 2

I have gotten so behind on this. There are so many things I could post…but my mind is a jumbled mess. Since laying Mason to rest….I had little or no access to Internet. I know…I know….how does that happen. Well we went to Florida after leaving Texas and spent two weeks. I had a little access on my phone but not enough to post anything. At one point I HAD NO INTERNET FOR OVER A WEEK. I did not even have service on my phone. At first I went crazy….and then I enjoyed it. No technology. Whatsoever! It was awesome. I spent time fishing with my family. We fished from the dock of my Aunt and Uncles river house in Weeki Wachee. We rode up the river on the boat looking for manatees. Did not get to see any because it got too shallow for the boat. But we had fun.
I found my peace though. I have always loved the water, the sand and the sun. But we took a deep sea fishing trip and I found peace. Even when the weather was horrible and when we had to ride out a storm 40 miles out in the ocean….I found peace. I belong on the water…around the water…my toes in the sand. I found my place…my peaceful place. It is the first time I have felt peace since Mason passed. I have for too much time ahead of me before I can settle down near the ocean, but I look forward to it.

Saying Goodbye Again…

Posted on by Standard 5

Today we finally laid Mason to rest. I know that he was born sleeping almost 3 months ago and should have already had services. I have felt so horrible for not having his services sooner. With us moving to Germany in October, I needed to make this our trip home to visit family before we leave. If we would have come home right after he passed away, we would have only been able to stay for a couple of days.
Anyhow, today started out hectic because I had to go pick up his flowers. People kept on complimenting how beautiful they were. My eyes swelled with tears. It should be my baby they are saying that about, not the flowers in my arms. I hate flowers since Mason passed. We had so many beautiful flowers delivered to the house afterwards. The aroma of those flowers lingered all over my house, and I grew to hate it. How could someone enjoy smelling flowers when their son just died? I could not. I took those flowers and I chucked them into the trash. It was the one thing I allowed myself to throw at the time I wanted to throw everything. So as I was saying, the flower thing sucked.
I had so many things to do today. I had to get ready and then drive to Timbuktu to go get a longtime family friend so that she could attend the services. Then I had to drive all the way back to my mom’s house to get my husband, daughters and butterflies. All the while it is pouring down rain. I knew a month ago when I scheduled this and ordered butterflies that it was going to rain. Can’t release butterflies when it rains. It rained all the way across town to the cemetery. Not too many people showed up. Just our immediate family, an aunt, an uncle, some family friends, a cousin. There was maybe 20 people there. There should have been more but my husbands cousins family had a loss this week also. So they were not able to make it. It was okay though…because it gave me enough butterflies for everyone to have on to release. I read my little thing I wrote and a poem. Then our daughter got up to read Tiny Angel. She did very well for a 9-year-old getting up in front of people to speak. Then my poor husband read a poem. He was so choked up. I hate seeing my husband in pain. His heart hurts so much because of this.
After my husband finished I played Gone to Soon by Daughtry. Then rain actually stopped. YAY! We were able to release the butterflies. The preacher came up and said in all his 32 years of doing this, he had never seen butterflies released. I am glad we could be a little different. The butterflies lead him in to what he wanted to talk about. He spoke about Hope and Resurrection. It was actually comforting. He spoke on how to see our son again. It is so comforting knowing that I will see my son again. He explained that when we see our son though that he will not be a baby. He will be a glorious young man. I don’t care how I get him…baby or grown. He is mine and I cannot wait to see him.
Even though it rained, it turned out to be a beautiful service. We did decide to leave his ashes at Fort Sam since we cannot take them to Germany. What is even more wonderful is that Mason is in the Columnbarium which is right across the creek from where my grandparents are buried. I could not ask for a more beautiful place to have to visit him at. I feel a little more at peace now that Mason’s services are done. I would rather have him in my arms, but who would not rather their child in their arms?

The Mason Thing?

Posted on by Standard 2

So we finally got to come home to Texas to lay our son to rest. His services are on Friday. Since we have been here I have not done too much. We have gone to visit my husbands mother, which was hard in itself because everything that woman has said or done since Mason was born sleeping. I kept my mouth shut to see if my husband would finally stand up for himself. He did not. He did not tell his mom that she did not need an invite when she found out Mason would be born sleeping or that she had no right to yell at him for not inviting her. It is not like we were having cake and streamers. My mom came, but on her own, without being asked or invited. She felt she needed to be there for me. There are other things that happened since Mason was born with his mother, but then this post would be titled “All about the Witch”.
Today was a very rough day because I was reminded of another thing that I will not experience with our son….a possible military career when he would have come of age. My brother who is 17 is preparing to enlist tomorrow, which I will be there to watch him swear in. I had dreams for Mason…like this. Big dreams.
So then this evening I walked outside to just escape the craziness of everyone else moving on with life. Escaped my little sister who wants me to watch videos of silly cats, mad cats and angry cats. She is 15, so she is persistent. I have to escape. I need alone time….life and the commotion of it, is sometimes just too much. So I am leaning against the truck….looking at the stars and my husband walks out. He was his normal jokester self and asked me if I was waiting on my boyfriend. I of course don’t have a boyfriend and just did not answer him. Then he proceeds to ask what is wrong. Okay, what the hell does he think is wrong? So I ask him as much. His reply was, “Well I did not know if it was THE MASON THING, the mom thing, the brother or sister thing. THE MASON THING? Really? The Mason thing? This is coming from my husband. This soooo pisses me off. Now the death of our son is the Mason Thing.
This is not a thing. This is my life. Our life. Not a thing. Maybe I am overreacting, but I feel betrayed. He really let me down by calling this a thing. He may be able to pick up and move on, but I can’t. I can’t just say oh well. I can’t. This thing as he calls it was my son and his death. Our son.
I can see this not working out well. I don’t want this to not work out, but things have not been right since I was laying there in the hospital in labor. All I wanted was my husband to hold me….but the bed was too small he said. I wanted to be close, but once again the bed was too small and he would be in the nurses way. I am starting to realize that I am angry about this. I laid in that bed alone. I came home alone. I sit in my living room alone. I go to bed alone. I sit on my front porch alone. I planned our sons funeral alone. Though in all of this I am not physically alone, he is there….but I am alone, grieving alone, and doing things alone. I am doing this “Mason Thing” alone.

A Birthday Party and a Memorial Service

Posted on by Standard 2

When I found out that we were expecting Mason I was pretty excited that my babies may end up sharing a birthday. Mason’s due date was May 26th and his big sister Troi’s birthday is May 31st. I figured he would not be born on her birthday, but one could hope right? He also could have been born on Memorial Day like she was.
I planned for Troi’s birthday back in February. I prepaid for it and took care of plans because I had no clue when Mason would arrive. So now the day is coming and I am dreading it. I had planned on having my new baby with us. So many plans destroyed by this tragedy. I want to lock myself in a room and stay there for a while, but I can’t. I have to live for Troi now.
Troi’s birthday party is on Saturday and we leave on Sunday to start our journey home, with both children in tow. One in the seat and one in an urn. We are taking Mason home to have his memorial service. This is not how it was suppose to be. I was suppose to be taking him home to introduce him to everyone, not to say goodbye to him. I don’t want to leave him there. I probably won’t, but I still have to make that decision. From my understanding I might not be able to take him to Germany with us….which sucks. I have to call and double check that with German customs.
How do I let the army take my son away from me twice? The day I found out that I may have to leave Mason’s urn behind, I told my husband he was headed to Germany all by himself. I feel as though our son needs to be with us. How do I leave him? He was already taken once, and now they are going to tell me I can’t take him with me?
So that is what the next month holds for me. We are celebrating our daughters 9th birthday this Saturday and saying our final goodbyes to our son next Friday. This is not how life is suppose to be. A mommy should never have to do what I am having to do right now.