Who’s the one being trained here?!

My Speech therapist warned that due to tumor/surgery, I no longer have a filter when it comes to what I say/do and will need to have it pointed out (as if this is something new). Though, lately I have also noticed that I cry a lot, not just when the inevitable stress hits, but when overwhelmed by anything, any emotion, be it love, happiness, gratitude or fuck all. My brother stopped at a gas station today and thought to call me and ask if I needed anything and yep, it was so nice to be thought of, it made me cry. This is rather frustrating because I’ve always been known to be sarcastic and stoic, and not one to be seen crying, wtf! Hell I even amuse the shit out of all my therapists, I keep them laughing, facepalming and going omg through most of our 45 minute sessions with my no filter having smart ass comments. Not only do they get paid but they get a walking comedy-fuck- show.

Now yes, the neuropsych guy said this is normal given everything, but how the fuck should he know? He doesn’t know me! Sure, he has a bazillion degrees that say he’s smarter than me, but I refer to my previous point. I am NOT emo, god-fucking-dammit, I’m NOT. Even is I’m blubbering like a fucking baby, I want to shake and smack the everloving fucking shit out of myself. I also wonder if its a Valium worthy thing because even I know I should feel something besides the ahh fuckit all mellow that the valium provides. Yes, Cylia, I will mention it at my next doctors visit (standard disclaimer:if I remember),but if they try to put me on an anti depressant I’m telling them to suck it, complete with the double-handed motion on either side of my crotch, because,yes, I now have the motor skills to do it and why waste an opportunity to show off my hard work?

In other news: I finally got to go to see the head dog at Duke brain tumor clinic. To my utter delight, He reminded me of House ( my soul mate) both in look and manner. Seriously, I wanted to devour him just to absorb his sarcasm and snark-tacular humor (because I so totally need more). He came bursting in the room dressed in jeans and his Duke U hoodie, saying, “Okay! If your gonna have a brain tumor, have a low grade one(which I do, stage II), and if you’re gonna have a low grade brain tumor have an oligoastrocytoma. My response of course was “Okay, whats that?” To save my hand from typing, looki it up on google for a more in depth definition. Basically the plan? Because this tumor is so slow growing and treatments for it right now would fuck me up more, we’re gonna do regular MRI’s and the minute it does anything, start treating w/ meds first. Because its not life threatening at the moment, No reason to attack it immediately at the possible expense of my health. When I looked up oligoastrocytoma I found that its very rare like 2.3% of diagnosed tumors are these. Oh fuck yay! Evidently I won the brain tumor lottery, which is fucked considering I can’t win a dollar on a fucking scratch off ticket and don’t even talk to me about raffles, bingo or Vegas. I would win this kind of lottery, but hey, would have sucked mutt’s nutts if I lost it, right?

Being given a 50/50 prognosis of 10 years to live or a long natural life tends to get one thinking about life in general. As my frustration at lack of finances,being weak and off balance and unable to use my left hand grows, the normal questions come to mind. What did I do to deserve this? How was I so unhappy with my life before this, when I’d give anything to get it back. But this thinking is not upping my percentile so instead I think on what i did to deserve all of the loving, caring, wonderful people I have in my life and how on earth I’m ever going to be able to pay them back or let them know how very much I appreciate and love them and that they mean heaven, the earth and the world to me.

Tommy, poor Tommy tried so hard to rid himself of me, now not only am I here, I’m useless. He’s running himself ragged cause of me. He does my hair, helps me dress, gets me food,takes care of the animals, busts his arse at work w/ 10 hr shifts,runs me to and from daily doctors appointments, tucks me in and makes sure my arm isnt dangling. Bless his loving heart for it all.

The ironies of ironies is that I’m researching grants to help with food/bills and rent and am trying to quit smoking. Yet frustration, dark thoughts an stress can lower my chances too and smoking helps ease those things and makes it harder to quit. Talk about a rock and a hard place. I’m doing my best to have a positive outlook but its hard. I’m so limited in what I can do all day its hard. but I’m happy I’m still here cos I’m not done hugging people yet.

I think I use that title a shite load but somehow it always fits (which is probably why I use it). Anyway, I decided to take a break from home hunting and read a friends blog, which I haven’t actually done in quite a bit. As I was scrolling through her posts, you know, getting updated on her life, I noticed a particular paragraph that made me sort of nod in understanding and wince at once.

“I sometimes consider having my legs amputated.  They usually work pretty good and there is nothing fatal wrong with them.  But if my legs were gone people wouldn’t look at me so strange when I say I can’t do something that they think I should be able to do.  That “Oh PLEASE!!!!” look would be gone.  That would be nice…….for a minute.  I guess I would rather have my legs and just hope that someday education will win the fight and people won’t be so thoughtless.  That kind of thing always makes me feel bad about myself.  It hurts.”

Now this sort of hits home or in the arse, whichever as I have some similar of the same symptoms/ conditions she does, my partner in teh crazy. Lately (as in the past 6 months or so) I have been not only frequently given that “Oh Please” look but been told it by those I love and who were/are supposed to love me. “Why won’t I just get off my ass and help them?!? Why?!?” *wince* “Well because some days I can’t.” I wish I knew the exact reasons why, I wish I had the money to see a doctor again to find out and for gods sake, I wish I could just feel better. And I do try and some days I really do feel better, but others ..not so much. So now we have zero money, shit credit and have to find a new home (because we were informed we MUST leave by Dec 23rd, yeah Merry fucking Christmas to us from good old sis) and my relationship my be irreparable and all (including my ..whatever he is now if he’s even mine anymore) point to me with that look and that question and I don’t know what to say.

“I’m sorry? I’m sorry I don’t know exactly whats wrong with me or how to fix it, but I’m trying.” But see trying isn’t bringing home money or allowing me to be able to think or perceive things correctly or even be a good partner. Trying isn’t good enough, it takes too long. Mind over matter right? Yep, as soon as I can figure out a way for my brain to repair itself with only the power of my mind, I’ll write a fucking book about it and won’t have these problems. I don’t really care how much the rest of them understand, they can take their insensitive assholery and set themselves alight, except for the one who matters, the one who doesn’t understand why I couldn’t help him when he needed it the most. I just wish he knew and believed I would rather chew off my own limbs than be this much of a burden and that its not simply a choice or an excuse or made up. And even though it isn’t on purpose I still feel horrible for it all. Not as nicely put as my friend, but I’m just not in a very nice mood right now and I’m trying like hell to be grateful for what I have, oh wait, that’s nothing. And yeah… I know, its my fault, I brought it on myself, its all been my choice after all.

It all has to get better sometime, right?

I have come to realize lately that I am truly lucky, I have had the privledge to know so many great unique loving people. Not just know them, but I’m lucky enough to call them friends. They have taught me what real forgiveness and love is. I see in them the person I want to be,used to be. They have seen and been hurt by the worst in me, yet they still love me, forgive me.

I see the things that I’ve done as horrible, they see my potential, they see the good. I don’t know what I’ve done in this life to deserve them, but I’m going to make sure that I do from now on. Each one of them are my hero’s, my knights. I was locked in a tower I created and they rode in and threw pies,rocks and paper scissors rocks tests to break it down. Then they slapped me around a bit for putting myself there, and then they brought me home and helped me build something new.

The Beatles were right, “All you need is love”, and a good swift kick in the jimmies.

Heh, I just read a friends page and she recently posted about losing who she was, well not remembering that person anymore.  Though the post makes me a little sad that she thinks she is uncool, old and just not much fun anymore. She doesn’t see herself as I do. She is one of the COOLEST people I know. Not just cool, she has a wonderful way of mixing irony,sarcasm, and wit, but is never really mean or uncaring. She is the type of person you want to be around because you just can’t be sad or blah around her. She makes everyone just plain feel good for being themselves. I am not one who “knew her back when” but if she was better then (though I don’t think its possible) than she is now, I can’t imagine what that would be like.

Now I got a chuckle out of the post because I too have been missing the girl I was. Unlike my friend,I don’t have any visible scar tissue in my brain, just overstuffed luggage crowding it. And because of that, I got lost, and didn’t have any room for anything else. This led to me possibly losing someone I love very much. See I thought I did love him already, but I didn’t fully understand it until now,when faced with the possibility that it’s over, ain’t it just a movie-like-plot sonofabitch?

I’ll spare the gory details, but Mr. Wonderful and I both had pretty full closets when we met. Over the past 3 years we managed to add more stuff in there too just to make things interesting. And don’t forget the random kicks in the balls life threw at us too. But through all of this,we stuck it out. Looking back, I have no idea why, well yeah I do, I love him. I imagine he must have loved me at one point and then stayed,hoping the one he loved would come back.

You know how it goes, Mistrust leads to lies, yelling to more yelling, resentment to hurt, hurt to apathetic. Yup we did it all I tell ya. And of course now that I look back I see so many opportunities for us to turn it around, we even thought we were some of the time, but still didn’t succeed. We have been on opposite ends of a cold war with occasional nuke fire. The last ultracation occured on Sunday, leaving us both hurt,confused and just plain done. Of course I run out of meds the Monday that followed.

Now with the recent “engagement” I had been reviewing our past 3 years and having the thoughts of, ” can I do this for the rest of my life? ” Of course never telling him, I pushed so hard for the ring, I couldn’t tell him. He too had come to the same conclusion. Where we differ now is what we feel like doing about it. Presently he does not want to try more. I of course do. The fight caused me to seriously see things from his side (well the fight and a few good friends). Instead of resenting and blaming him, I saw all that I had done wrong or didn’t do and should have. I saw how I hurt him,though always thinking I was helping him and he was just being stubborn and selfish.

I came to discover that I was the one being stubborn and selfish and shutting him out. We both made mistakes but I can only be responsible for my own. And those are all I will referr to, so don’t misunderstand that I am holding myself completely accountable for the demise of us. After taking a long hard look at things I had one of two choices, use my new knowledge for good and love him like I should have all of this time, or cut my losses and cut him loose.

I chose to love him. Not because he’s what I’m used to, but because now that I really see him for who he is, I do love him. And now all I want to do is cover his face in kisses and hug him to make up for all of the times I didn’t. Part of me feels bad that I can’t just let him go, that yet again, we can’t agree. I thought I understood him, I thought I “got” him. Not so much. But I do now. I see it clear as day. And I love him. And now it’s uncertin if he will ever again let me love him.

He has asked for space to sort it out, I am giving him that. Admittedly the urge to just jump him with affection is overwhelming at times. And seeing him every day minus the intimate connection is hell. It’s like theres a glass wall between us, but if I break it, he’ll break with it, so I find other things to do and I wait. He did agree that we would start new but he needs time to breathe. It could be a week or a year,who knows.

He is afraid that after so many tries and failures it will just end up the same and he can’t take it again. I don’t see that as possible now knowing what I know. We are redoing the whole thing. Doing what we should have, but slowly this time. Getting to know eachother again. I have already seen good things. He is now speaking up for what he wants. He is expressing his needs, instead of just resenting me for not meeting them. And I am listening, really listening. I am considering him with my actions and not just cloaking it with, “I know whats best.” On some levels, I am happy. I just miss him terribly. More so than I ever thought I would or could.

I pray in my head probably about a bajillion times a day, just let him be open to loving me again. I won’t let him down, I know how to love him now. I am so scared that I’ve lost him for good.

This past week has been one big blur. We get home from Buffalo Sunday night, the dogs have diarreah, litter boxes so messy I’m shocked the paint on the walls isn’t peeling from the fumes, and the house is just plain dirty. So Monday I rent a carpet cleaner and spend the day steaming the shit smell from my house. I did this after spending 2 hours on the phone with the cell phone company trying to get Emo kid’s cell moved from Grandpa’s account to mine. And scrubbing the litter boxes and house.

I get shit from work about not coming in and almost lose my mind. Then Tuesday comes and I have my therapy appointment to which I left the house at 10:30am. Following the appointment, I went to the meeting at work and finally get home by 4pm. Another day gone and back to work on Wednesday. We were slammed all week and haven’t got out on time including today. I’m exhausted in my mind,body and soul. I feel distant from everything. No actual thoughts of wedding plans. No plans in general.

I started to cry during a song that mentioned Christmas, just welled up with tears and cried. I miss my family, really miss them. I feel lost. Why did Grandpa have to go when I still needed him? I hadn’t heard all his stories yet, or his jokes. I wanted him to see my kids and my wedding. I wanted them both to.

Now I am questioning everything. My life here, my relationship, everything. Am I marrying Mr.Wonderful to avoid being alone?  I just don’t know anymore.

It was brought to my attention that I haven’t posted in awhile and looking at it, by golly I haven’t! The person who pointed this out is one I have been thinking of a lot lately, wonder if she heard me…

Hmmm…… whats been happening… January was a good month, I even got my long awaited ring right after my birthday (shh nobody knows yet). We’re setting the date by the beginning of April, mainly to give Mr.Wonderful time to process the transition, poor man. I’m always gogogogogogogogo and he’s.. “lemme think about it” kinda guy. We’re a trip I tell ya. But anyway, we figured we’d wait to announce it until we had a date set. Yay party!!

We also took in a new roomate to help catch up bills, I’ll call him Smokin Jo. Now he’s a good guy, but a young one. The moving in caused some transitional stress and stuff but nothing burnt down or exploded so all is well.

And so everything went right through till Feb 25th when my Brother in NY called and told me grandpa was in the hospital and wasn’t doing well, it was time to go home. Long story short, Gramps had Emphysema for over 15 years now and went in for that, but while in had a minor heart attack,followed by Kidney failure and rotting of the bowels. If the hospital hadn’t lost the DNR it would have been over Sunday night but since they lost it, on the respirator he went and the phone calls made.

We made it in at 4:30am on Tuesday morning and he was almost completely unresponsive by then. By 6:30pm he was gone. The whole family made it in to say our good-byes and we were all there with him when they stopped the meds and turned off the machines keeping him alive. It was what I’ve been calling my Steel Magnolias moment, It was peaceful, quiet, just the sound of the machines counting breath,heart,BP. Slowly more time between the beeps and then nothing. After the respirator was removed it only took about 30 minutes and he was gone. It was a good death. It was Kind and was a mercy to him. He never wanted to be on a Respirator, hell he was pissed at being on 24/7 oxygen and having to use a scooter to get around.

Though I say it only took 30 minutes,the reality of it is it took way longer than that, He was alive yes, breathing (with a tank) yes, cognative,yes. But enjoying life? No. He hated every minute of it and often would ask god when was it gonna be his turn. His spark had dimmed long before that last trip to mercy hospital. And now he’s at peace, he can run,he can breath, be reunited with grandma whos been waiting these two years for him and all the rest. He’s no longer bound to the body that failed him or mortal concerns, he’s free to just love.

I feel blessed that I got the opportunity to share that moment with him. Everybody always talks about how awe inspiring it is to see a child being born, but never a beautiful death. It was sad for those of us left behind, of course, we will miss him and it does break my heart that he’s gone. But he had a good life, a full life and left behind a legacy of love that will go on through future generations. Stories, Jokes, lessons..

It was profound and yes, beautiful to be able to be there when he reached the clearing at the end of the path, going from this life to the next.  I was honored and privilaged to see him off on that path. And I will see him again one day.

Sleeping pills are kicking in so I’m hitting the rack.

Ok so I am straightening the shelves before close at work. I’m in the canned dog food isle with the pet beds at my back. I hear a frustrated sigh behind me and try to ignore it, bad little employee I am,hey it was a long day, and continue straightening. Then I hear,” Are these all the beds you have?” Me: Yes, this is it (mind you the beds span half the width of the store and are four shleves high,cat on left,dog on right)

Her: These are cat beds? (pointing at the beds that have cute kitties on the picture tags)

Me: Yes those are cat beds.

Her: There aren’t anymore?

Me: Nope this is it.

Her: Well do you have any more dog beds? Smaller ones?

Me: <sigh> No this is all we have, are you shopping for a dog or cat?

Her: Well I’m looking for a bed for my dog but he’s a little dog and you only have big dog beds which are too big for him! And these cat beds,which would be fine if they were for dogs.

Me: M’am you can get a cat bed for him if it’s a better fit and I’m sure as long as you don’t tell him it’s a cat bed, he’ll be ok with it.

Her: Yeah, I guess your right, he won’t be able to tell, I was just hoping you had little dog beds. (she picks a bed and walks away)

Yes, this conversation happened.

Ok well now that melt down is over I’m back in the game. I figured my genes would kick in eventually. I can’t not do Christmas, nor can I stay mad at Mr. Wonderful, I love him too much for that. I guess I just had so much built up I needed the melt down to get rid of all the bad juju.

I guess the stones had it right, “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might,get what you need.” I needed to clearly see how much I do love Mr. Wonderful ,ring or no ring. And being faced with the possibility that I might have to end it with him for my own self preservation I discovered that , that decision is not an option. Messy as it is, it’s our life and I love it. I don’t want another one.

I’ve been thinking about that movie a lot lately for some reason. It’s always touched me and inspired me to believe we all touch the lives of so many, we may not even realize it. That every life is precious and important and valuable. But wonderful I’m questioning. I’m torn, my positive side says,yes, it’s wonderful, the good,the bad, all of it. And the other half says, though precious, it just kinda sucks. It’s a mediocre one at best.

We all stive for happiness and peace and some do actually find “wonderful”. Most though, settle for what they have and somewhere in their secret hearts are dissappointed. Or maybe it’s just my not so secret heart (thanks to the web). I’m very thankful and grateful for those I know and call friend or more than friend. I am grateful for life as a whole and as long as I have it I’ll keep trying to do as best I can. But I can say it’s so far from wonderful that I wish I could just give it up and say,”I give”.

I am just having a horrible month and it’s supposed to be my favorite one at that. Everything that can go wrong has. Presents are behind and some not to come at all. I found out the bank account bounced and I’m not any closer to married than I was last year. See, I had thought my ring was going to be my gift. No I’m not that psycho thats been reading spring bride since she was 10. We’ve been going to counsling and talking and well… I just got the strong impression it was finally gonna happen. Well I was wrong.

Now just the account bouncing….again…was enough to send my panic attacks into fits… but then I find out about the ring, or lack of one. I won’t rehash the whole conversation but sifice to say, I’m moving into the spare room for now. I can’t continue activley living something that that is uncertain. By uncertain I mean, real,legal,singed and sealed. As our counsler says,” we’re already married because we live togeather and share house,car and everything else. He sees it differently and through the course of our conversation,though not intentional, said some even more hurtful things.

Not angry I hate you kinds of things,just not put very well. Things like saying he’s not even sure if we’re togeather out of love or convienence. That most thoughts he’s had of me lately are mostly negative, not positive. He wants us to work on it more. This is what he said last summer when the same discussion was being had. So I agreed to stay and work on it, though telling him that I cannot wait forever for him to validate our life and allow it to move forward. And now he wants to work on it more….

I am not one for just giving up on those I love but I can’t keep having this hurt over and over again. I can’t put my heart into working on something I don’t know is for sure or real. It may be selfish but I won’t allow this repeated hurt to deteroiate everything until there is nothing more to fix and no heart to feel it anymore. I’m simply exausted at not being good enough. I’ll fight like hell for anything thats mine, but if it’s not why fight for it?

This on top of an already bad month, I’m suprised I haven’t had a break down yet, hell maybe I’m haing one now. I so look forward to Christmas every year, even have my gifts for people planned in my head. I get so excited anticipating their faces as they open what I got them. I have issues containing this excitement and try to give the presents early. I’m a freak,I know. But this year I was even more excited because I thought I was getting my ring. On my special day,my perfectly dreamed time for it to happen. See above for that.

No snow, one or two days in the 80’s made it hard to get in the groove but I still tried. It’s grandma’s day and I’ll not shame her. It started with getting my tree up (which I did by myself), then a fight about putting lights on the house, they ended up helping with it. Then it went to arguments about what to spend on whom and how he has enough stuff. Still not even close to snow and this is my first xmas not in buffalo. Ok, and then, I decorated the house,by myself, and watched my xmas movies mostly alone.

I still tried wrapping stuff and had panic attacks and teared up while doing it. That was enough, panic attacks from wrapping presents.. I still tried though,even made xmas eve turkey dinner plans with friends to come over. We were going to do gifts then instead of xmas day. I was gonna get my xmas moment proposal. Eh.. wrong.

So now, I don’t want anything to do with any of it. Petulant,pouting,jerk, call me and it what you will. I tried, I tried so hard it was forced. I’m not trying now. I just don’t want to any more. I give up,life,you can have it this one time.I’m done for another year, I’m sorry grandma, I fucked it up big time this year. Next year I’ll do better,I promise.

Wonderful life? At the moment,not so much.

Where are you christmas? Why can’t I find you? Why have you gone away?-Faith Hill