It took me 18 days to stop feeling terrible and for my stomach to feel 95% normal and pain free. I have been really shaken by it all and didn’t get to see a gp because I’m sure they have much more important and worthy things to be dealing with at the moment.

The last three days have felt wonderful, except for the spots which I’m also celebrating as I know from experience it’s part of the detox.

Of course it’s been less challenging in some ways as I can’t go out socialising at the moment but then I rarely did. I’m mostly a home drinker. On the other hand the current crisis in which we find ourselves could be a trigger to drink more. Less early starts, less driving or people to breathe the fumes on the next morning, the feeling that ‘what the hell we might all die anyway’ or the view that everyone is drowning their sorrows so I might as well join them🤷🏻‍♀️

But there has been none of that. Just gratitude for another chance 🙏

Stay safe everyone. I’m enjoying reading your updates.

I don’t really know what to say, as anyone who has followed my blog will have heard it all before, so I feel very foolish in many ways.

The ten months since I last posted have been very mixed. I had some really good weeks/months but things probably went downhill in the Autumn and culminated in a weekend of binge drinking last weekend ( for no reason other than the fact that I’m an absolute fool).

I felt so ill on Monday with pain in my liver area and a feeling of having had my stomach scoured out with acid. Stupidly I was binge drinking on a pretty empty stomach as I’ve been trying to lose weight too. I was literally terrified, and still am really. The pain has improved a bit each day but I’m still terrified that my liver is failing, even though I’ve thankfully got no other symptoms. Needless to say I haven’t been near alcohol since Sunday and have no wish to do so ever again.

At the risk of repeating the same old bullshit that I’ve been repeating for more than five years, that is it. I’m totally done. If I get my health back, which at the moment I’m not convinced I will, I swear I will not jeopardise it again. I don’t believe in God but have been secretly begging someone to give me another chance all this week.

Thanks as always for your support on here and it’s really good to see so many of you achieving real peace in sobriety xx

‘From Rock Bottom to Sober Forever’ by Susan Laurie

I’ve just read this and would highly recommend

I am struggling but so glad to be here. But as I’ve said before, if it was easy we wouldn’t be here. I’m not craving alcohol and the thought of it repulses me a bit, mainly because my mind now automatically ‘plays it forward’ without even trying. Five years of practice maybe?

What is hard is adjusting to a different life. I’ve not had much practice at a ‘different’ life because alcohol has always figured so highly. Everything is different and it’s hard to adjust or plan as I’m constantly worrying about becoming boring to all the people in my life who have known me as a drinker. Anyway I’m sure it will all come out in the wash as they say!

So to sum up I suppose I’m not missing the drinking me but I’m worried that everyone else will be. My people pleasing, ‘full of responsibility for everyone’s happiness’ self strikes again I suppose🙄but now it’s time to please myself🤷🏻‍♀️

Almost at the big 50 and happy to be still sober. The sugar cravings are the devil though!!! Driving me a bit crazy. I don’t want to let this jeopardise my progress but I don’t want to gain any more weight. I’m sure I’ll figure it out.

I’m getting apprehensive as we get closer to Friday and my holiday which will be a big hurdle as I know there will be triggers. But I am going prepared, to a place I know well, with lots of walks on the doorsteps if I need to escape. I want this to be another actual break as my last one was at Easter. A break where I am not spending every day recovering from the night before, swallowing antacids, avoiding mirrors and counting down to beer o’clock! One of the people I am going with is just like me and loves booze but hates the consequences. She is younger but her post booze depression is getting worse. She will understand where I’m coming from.

This is all beginning to feel a bit more normal now and I can truly say that there is not one aspect of my life that does not feel better for being sober. My health, energy, sleep, work and general productivity have all improved dramatically, although I must be one of the only people who cuts alcohol out for 6 weeks without losing an ounce of weight!!! That’ll be the sugar I suppose but one thing at a time.

I have braved something I have been putting off for years:my post 40 blood screening test which is offered every five years in the uk to all those over 40. There are two reasons why I have avoided this test: one being that I am terrified of all medical tests to the point of outright phobias and two being that I was even more terrified of it highlighting liver damage. Petrified in fact. Now I know that a liver function test doesn’t show everything but to all intents and purposes my liver is functioning normally, as is everything else I was amazed and relieved to discover! I have made myself ill over going for this test since it was highlighted upon registering with a new gp due to moving house. My husband had his straight away but I stalled using various excuses as to why i couldn’t book it yet. My husband wanted me to go as it makes sense to find out early if you are a ticking time bomb, and in the end I went, literally quivering.

I feel such relief since getting the results, and as though I’ve dodged a bullet. I’ve always looked after myself in every way other than chucking booze down my throat which is possibly what has redeemed me, but I feel as though I have been lucky, and I will not push my luck. I would love to be a normal drinker. Just a couple here and there but hey ho, I simply can’t be which I’ve proved to myself time after time.

Things that are helping this time round are alcohol free Beer and The Bubble Hour podcasts.

I have a big group holiday booked for the end of the month with people who drink a lot and who I drank a lot with. We have had some great times together over the years but also a lot of hangovers and lost days. I still want to have good times with them but I also want to enjoy the next days too. We’re planning on some hikes which are obviously much, much easier without the poison. I have done a fair few hikes over the past six weeks and it’s felt great:) I can’t pretend that it won’t be tough though and I am a bit apprehensive, but will be well prepared for whatever it throws at me.

I hope you’re all ok out there.

This feels like a really long time but I looked back at my blog and last spring I got to 72 days of which I drank on only two, as part of what was then my moderation plan. I thought I could just do special occasions which I did. Two special occasions. My husband’s birthday and our wedding anniversary, but as seems to be the case for most people I couldn’t keep it up.

This time I feel different somehow and have just resigned myself to the reality that I just can’t drink. That’s it. I have a weekend away now and I’ve not had to wrestle with the decision about how much drink to take. I’ve just packed my AF Heineken’s which I do like, but two is enough!

Thank you for your support on here, and I’m so glad that I discovered The Bubble Hour.

I’m always intrigued to know how much others drink. In the past people have told me that they have a glass of wine or two most nights and isn’t that terrible and I don’t know where to look. A long term friend was shocked recently when I said I could regularly finish a bottle. I must do a good job of disguising my intake although I’m quite renowned for having a bit too much at parties. People must mostly assume that the rest of the time I drink normally like they do. Except my husband of course. He knows. He doesn’t mind for himself though as I’m not a nasty drunk but he minds for me. Because he knows how much I hate the rollercoaster of it all. On a ‘good ‘ week of weekends only I would get through 25/35/40 units. On a holiday week or a ‘bad’ week it could be 70+ and I can never, ever have just one or two or even three. I had to have enough to hit the spot. Or none at all. Always. Any night I couldn’t drink felt like endurance, purely for health/work/childcare reasons. The non drinking life was a half life endured until I could drink again. And I never reached a stage where I didn’t feel hungover. I always felt and looked like s***

How much is too much?

Has anyone else experienced real flatness and low mood a month in?

I’m not even craving alcohol but I’m craving something. I feel all out of sorts and can’t seem to organise anything, even the smallest things like cooking seem like an ordeal. Very strange feelings today.

Have I mentioned that I’ve found podcasts, notably The Bubble Hour. I’ve been listening to episodes for an hour a day, whilst travelling to and from work, for quite a few weeks now. I think this may be a significant factor, amongst others, in my shifting thinking. They are wonderful. I thought the whole podcast thing would be complicated but it was all so easy to sort out. A great new tool my collection.