Time flies when you’re…

Well, time sure does fly when you’re booked with medical appointments. Last week I had my biopsy, or fine needle aspiration as they call it. It went much more smoothly than I thought it would. It didn’t hurt as much as the last time they put a needle in my face. In fact, this time it was six needles (or, maybe the same needle six times?) and it was fine. I did choose to hold the nurse’s hand, though.

My biopsy results came back yesterday morning. They told me the name of the tumor, along with a bunch of jargon I didn’t understand. I Googled a lot, but it got me nowhere. I really just want to know if it’s benign or malignant. Or, maybe they don’t know? I’m waiting for a call from the office now. Hopefully someone can explain.

It’s supposed to be a gorgeous day today. So far, I’ve just been tidying up. That makes me feel a lot better, though.

My paranoia has gotten a little better. But I’m still facing it. Facing that and being tired 24/7. Did I mention the last time that they want to test me for narcolepsy? Interesting. I personally don’t think I have it, but then again, I don’t know a lot about it.

Oh, and I’ve been making my own smoothies lately. It’s instead of paying 7.50 across the street.

Hygiene rules ignored

I don’t feel it’s safe to go outside yet. I haven’t changed my clothes since Wednesday, showered since Tuesday. I’ve been neglecting my teeth and they sure can’t afford it. It’s been worse, but boy it’s been better.

It’s a sunny day today, but I want the shades closed. I keep thinking about taking a shower and then thinking of reasons why I shouldn’t. I’m still paranoid and yes, I have some insight into it, but I’m not sure that makes things better — maybe worse.

I just want a friend. My best friend ghosted me, maybe a year ago. Maybe it’s the exact anniversary that she disappeared for no apparent reason. I want even one friend but it seems so hard. I have many acquaintances, but close friends, not really.

A book — that’s right — I want to write a book, but perhaps my attention span is holding me back.

Weekly update

I’m sure I’ll have more than one weekly update, but I never really know what to put as a title for my blog entries.

The other day was my big appointment with the (very cute and kind) ENT doctor. He said I’ll need a biopsy on the tumor and possible surgery involving taking my entire parotid gland out. But that would be months away. The biopsy will be sooner.

We had an earthquake today. I was just sitting in my chair and started moving up and down. I thought it was because the business next to my building was uprooting trees again. Then I saw the news, all over I saw the news.

I have some paranoia possibly going on, but I can’t write about it due to that fact. I can say it’s uncomfortable. I managed to get an appointment with my therapist earlier than previously scheduled.

We’re having a party here for the eclipse.

Advised not to drive

I’ve been advised not to drive until my schizoaffective and anxiety symptoms that have been getting in the way, are gone. This might be forever. On one hand, it’s a relief because driving is scary for me. On the other hand, it’s depressing to think it’s come to this.

Right now I’m waiting for my building’s program manager to inspect my apartment. I am usually a perfectionist, kind of, when it comes to making things look neat and clean.

I drink a lot of seltzer water and stuff so I decided to order a Soda Stream, hoping it’ll be fun while saving money. We’ll see. It’s sometimes the little things that excite me.

I’ve decided to bake a chocolate cake this weekend. For no particular reason. And I ordered some new food storage containers, so I don’t eat the entire thing and I freeze some of it.

I hope everyone has a splendid weekend!

A seemingly random image from my window of the blue sky with fluffy clouds.

A few things on my mind

I don’t think I mentioned that about a month ago, I began to use a CPAP for moderate sleep apnea. At first I thought I was going to give up. I even made arrangements to return the machine after a week. But for some stupid reason I changed my mind and decided to stick with it. While using the machine, I am monitored not only by medical professionals, but also by my health insurance company. I must use it at least four hours a night or they will charge me A LOT and they won’t pay for it at all.

So, now that I’m used to the machine, you’d think I’d wake up refreshed, right? Well, I’m not. It’s quite the opposite, actually. So, I’ll be bringing this to my pulmonologist when I see her next month.

I received my results from the CT Scan I mentioned in my last entry. I’ll be waiting until I speak with my ENT specialist in early April to really know how to feel. But I did read the results and it appears that I have a benign tumor in my gland. It’s also suggested that I get an MRI. Ugh. Claustrophobic here. From what I’ve read of this particular kind of tumor, it would take decades for it to even consider becoming dangerous. However, most doctors want to remove it because it grows.

Today should be the last cold day here for a while. I look forward to somewhat warmer weather, which is not too warm. I really need to start walking more and getting out, in general.

Thanks for reading my medical journal. Haha.

A coloring page that says “I want to feel your energy”

It’s been a long few months

Hi! I’m back. I hope I didn’t worry anyone. Not that I expect I’m that important in the WordPress world. But just in case. I’m okay, but it’s been a long few months.

I really don’t remember much of what happened in December, aside from the holidays and gray skies and coldness.

I was hospitalized for physical reasons in January, for about a week. I ended up with cellulitis on my face, which turned out to be an abscess in my parotid gland, and I needed to be on IV antibiotics. I was even shipped out to another state and another hospital for this to happen, as they had ENTs on site.

I’m still dealing with some swelling on my face and will be getting another CT scan tomorrow and traveling down to the other state to follow up again, in the beginning of April.

The other day I caught a friend lying to me about something and he admitted it when I called him out on it. He apologized a lot, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to associate with him anymore. Eventually, I decided to forgive him. But I’m going to be careful now and it will take some time to earn trust, if that can even happen.

I haven’t lost much weight since the last time I wrote. I’m okay with that. I’m losing as I can and that’s as much as I can do.

My psychiatrist and I are exploring that I may have ADHD. I mean, I can’t watch more than five or 10 minutes of a show on Netflix without turning it off to do something else. It’s incredibly frustrating!

I find myself very lonely at times and want to make new friends, online or in person. I just don’t know if I am good at making friends. Or, for some reason unknown to me, keeping friends. I spend the majority of time alone.

Well, that’s it for now. Hopefully it won’t be another four months before I write again!

Changes after my birthday

Yesterday I turned 45 and for some reason that number really got me thinking that I need to take better care of my health. I think part of it is because I recently learned that I may have an IBD and I also have osteoarthritis that’s keeping me up at night. Not to mention my mental health issues, which seem to be held at bay right now.

Thanksgiving was the day before my birthday and I spent it largely alone. A friend came by to visit for a little while, but I had my big dinner the night before.

Today is going to be spent cleaning because I have an inspection tomorrow morning. Soon I won’t have to worry about all of these inspections and meetings because I’ll be out of this program and into one of more independence.

I look forward to hopefully writing more poetry someday soon. It’s been way too long since I’ve written even a crappy poem. Ha.

I hope everyone is doing well!

Does it ever end?

I’ve been sick for the past month, and on two different antibiotics, for pneumonia and what one doctor described as “whooping cough,” which I thought didn’t happen to many people anymore. So, I’ve had little energy to write.

Other than that, my mood has been excellent! Lithium seems to really be helping me, and I haven’t gained any weight on it – I’ve actually lost weight. Twenty-five pounds total, so far.

I may be able to get bariatric surgery if I can prove that I’ve been stable for a while on my new meds.

I can also move to the next level of care in my housing (more independence) if I prove my stability.

However, it’s not like I’m NEVER going to be in the hospital again if history repeats itself, as it often does. I think more professionals should understand this when dealing with serious mental illness.

More later, when I have more energy!

Better days ahead

They can only get better. I’ve been sick with the flu. It’s getting a little better, but has me stuck inside, mostly. I’m so hot that I have the windows open to let the cold air in.

Lithium is really doing its job. I have felt much better moodwise, and I’m grateful for the new psychiatrist I see.

I can’t write much now, as I have little energy, but I will include a cute pic of my Barnaby.

I’ve been unwell

For the last I don’t know how long, I’ve been pretty depressed. Recently, I was hospitalized, in a psychiatric ward, back to back, for a few weeks. I’m not sure I’m feeling all that great yet, but I’m out and able to write this blog post.

As usual, there were a bunch of interesting people in the hospital. One had the best soundtrack in his mind, and would just sing great songs most of the time.

I have a new psychiatrist now, and I really like him. We’re waiting a few weeks until I see him again to decide whether I should go on lithium again because my records show it has been helpful in the past.

It’s Autumn, and my favorite time of year, here in the northeast US. The leaves are changing color, and it’s milder, as far as temperatures go. I just love it.

Last week marked the 15th anniversary since my mom’s death. It was not the most difficult of days, but the day before it was, for some reason.

I’ll really try to keep up on here.