Philosopher’s Stone Unturned: An Origin Story

BDSM

I tried to introduce someone to BDSM once.

We were partners on-and-off for three years.  I convinced him, after many months, to experiment with tying me up, or spanking me.  But I was impatient, always pushing him further, needing more, feeling abandoned and unsatisfied when he couldn’t meet those needs.  Basically, I fucked him up so severely in regard to sex I’m surprised he still talks to me.

So you’ll understand if I’m wary of trying again.  But for the sake of everyone intrigued by Fifty Shades, but unsure of themselves, it’s a little selfish to keep all my experience to myself.

Nature vs. nurture is a constant battle, but some things are simply born into people: you’re born gay, you’re a natural athlete, or maybe, like me, you’re innately Submissive.  And I don’t mean light-bondage-and-some-spanking submissive, or even let’s-go-to-a-dungeon-once-a-month submissive, but a hard-core, 24/7, whip-me-till-I-scream, need-it-to-feel-human Sub.

This is hard to understand for almost anyone, the same way it is hard for me to understand a lense of pleasure that doesn’t include pain, or how sex can lack a power dynamic (and how that would be erotic?).  And believe me, I’ve spent my entire life trying to reconcile those desires with a self who is passionate, strong-willed, and extremely feminist.  I’ve spent my life trying to remove the shame like a surgeon so I can come to you clean and open.

Because at the heart of BDSM and its community is acceptance.  Until you can accept people as they are, flaws and fetishes, desires and fears, then you have no place with us.

In fact, over the years I’ve tried explaining the BDSM community to an array of strangers and friends, and I’m always surprised at how difficult it is.  The mystique and eroticism of our lives has been wildly misrepresented.  With dramatised, inauthentic splashes like Fifty Shades, SVU episodes, political scandals, and even regular porn, that’s not so much surprising as it is deeply frustrating. So today I’d like to pull the curtain open and show you what it’s really like…

Let’s start with the most basic of basics:

B    –    D    –    S    –    M

 

These letters stand for six distinct words:

 

B&D: Bondage & Discipline

D/s: Dominant/submissive

S&M: Sadism / Masochism

Classic BDSM will often include some if not all of these aspects, and usually necessitates some type of power exchange.  In classic BDSM, parties with power are the Dominants and go by Dom, Top, Master, Sir/Mistress, etc.  A Switch is someone who straddles the line by enjoying both roles.  And submissives are known as subs, pets, slaves, littles, or any number of other humiliating names.  And yes, capitalizing one and not the other is purposeful and common.

BDSM as a subculture, however, umbrellas all non-normative sexuality, and really anyone is welcome, from the guy who likes to be walked on to the guy who crossdresses every once and awhile.  Classic BDSM aside, whatever you’re into – infantilism, furries, vorp… – kinksters will put aside judgement and welcome you into the club.

BDSM events are pieces of a large network called the Scene: “I’ve been active on the Scene for about four years”; “Have you been to any Scene parties lately?”  Events that occur on the Scene include anything from private gangbangs, swingers parties, and wax demonstrations to sensuality and tantra circles, rope lessons, toy releases, and weekly munches for sub-groups to meet and socialize.  It’s a vast network of individuals with their unique orientations, gender expressions, power dynamics, relationships, nationalities, socioeconomic statuses, kinks…

I get questions like “is everyone bi?” and “you must have a lot of orgies.”  So let me make this clear: Kinksters Are People.  We have jobs, we pay car insurance, we fret over our new haircut, and we try to find time to visit that new dungeon on Delancey.  Kinksters are not having brutal, crazy sex all day.  Orgies are exceptionally hard to organize (UGH trust me).  We pay for the parties we attend.  It’s not a montage of flashing lights, thrumming bass, writhing bodies, and that one chick moaning on a cross.

Well, okay.  Sometimes it is.  But we’ll get to that.

Events that permit sexual or kinky activities are termed Play Parties.  A few notes about play party code of conduct: First, and most important, is express verbal consent.  Ask before you touch anyone aside from yourself.  If the answer is no, don’t take it personally, or demand a reason, simply back off.  “No” is a complete sentence, after all.

Second, as a voyeur, how close you stand to any activity should be indirectly proportional to how intense the scene is.  For a couple making out, the other end of the couch is a fair vantage point.  When it’s sweaty, personal fucking, somewhere across the room is more appropriate.  Most importantly, don’t interrupt, especially in the midst of a BDSM scene.

In this context, the word “scene” also represents a situation that plays out between two or more individuals at a play party.  A scene has three phases.  First, all parties involved negotiate what will occur in the scene, what desires overlap.  Second, the scene plays out – importantly, all parties check in with each other during the process.  Afterward, there is Aftercare, where the submissive(s) is comforted and catered to, or a Debriefing, where everyone talks about what went down and how they liked it, or both.

But this is all starting to sound like I’m speaking legaleze.  So, how would you like a story?

My first visit to Paddles, a popular dungeon in lower Manhattan, came after so many years of longing, I was surprised at how nervous I was.  Hadn’t this been the goal, the dream all along?  Sure, I certainly wouldn’t participate tonight, but I’ve been reading into BDSM since I was 13.  It’s not like this place could surprise me.

But I suppose that didn’t matter, because I was terrified.  The thrill of being inside, corsets everywhere, toys adorning the walls, the smell of leather rich and euphoric, and still I couldn’t strike up the nerve to strike up a conversation.  I sat in a wing-backed chair and watched someone prepare for a suspension scene.

Paddles is a no-sex-no-booze dungeon.  There’s a bar for soda, a stage for demos, and enough nooks and crannies to make an english muffin jealous.  Some corners are very cramped, and it’s not exactly the cleanest of clubs, but Paddles is closer to what I always imagined dungeons would be like than anywhere else I’ve been to.

Eventually, because I am young and beautiful and probably reek of slavery, a man came over and introduced himself.  He was Tomas, he was blonde and Australian and a complete gentleman.  He didn’t seem to mind my stuttering responses, or nervous fidgeting.  After about a half an hour, when we’d gotten to know one another and both revealed our personal kinks, he asked if I’d be interested in negotiating a scene with him surrounding a spanking.

I remember having difficulty breathing, and hearing sirens go off in my head.  I wanted it.  I didn’t want it.  I’d decided not to participate tonight.  Would it be alright to break that rule?

So I cut myself some slack and asked if I could have a few minutes to think about it.  I went to the restroom, played a game of solitaire on my phone, rebalanced myself, and asked the toughest question there is: Why Not?

“Why not” is very easily answered by fear.  But when you can recognize that fear, you can push it aside. Why not?  I rejoined Tomas and, haltingly, told him what I was looking for.  He asked for a few minutes to prep.

By all accounts, asking for what I want as a submissive is the most difficult part.  It requires that I actively and willingly humiliate, debase, and expose myself….while I’m still in charge of my faculties.  Once the scene is in play, none of those things matter, but up to that edge, it can be very stressful and confusing.

But I’d made my decision.  The terms for the scene were clear, and very basic: spanking (instruments permitted) sensation play, light bondage.  Tomas allowed me to choose between being bent over a bench in an occupied room, or strung up inside a caged alcove.  I am relatively shy.  I chose the latter.

He went very slowly with me, warming me up so gently the first few hits didn’t even register.  My eyes closed out of instinct, hands gripping my loose restraints.  He had me spread my legs, and the slaps came harder, resonating into my chest like a second heartbeat.  I let go, and entered subspace.

Subspace is the term submissives use to describe…well, it’s hard to describe.  It’s a headspace where time, space, reality, all melt away; nothing exists except the sensations, floating on a comforting wave of submission.  Some subs struggle to ascend to subspace, while others find it more easily, and you can experience it at many different levels.

Personally, subspace is only ever a forceful word away, where I can forget who I am, that I’m even human, and succumb completely to my Top’s desires.  I become fluid, obedient, and perfectly at peace.

Some uncounted time later he paused, leaned in close, asked if we were Green.  In BDSM, safe words are paramount, and when in doubt people tend to go with the classics: “Red” for a Full Stop, “Yellow” to pause or protest something specific, and “Green” to indicate continued consent.  Then he asked if I wanted more.

In subspace, human words are a far-off luxury, but after a few tries I was able to respond with a question of my own.  “May I take off my dress?”  If I wasn’t going to let myself get truly vulnerable, what was the point?

When I was disrobed and rebound, my eyes flickered open for a moment, and I noticed for the first time that the back wall of this cage was mirrored.  I looked at myself, spread eagle, clad only in my underwear for  this man I had met an hour ago and felt a rush of arousal and serenity.  This was where I belonged.  Hungry eyes peered at me from behind the cage bars.  I remember the surge of pride at being watched like this, shameless and beautiful.

And then he started in again, firmer, the pain rising full and supple and more to my taste.  My moaning got louder, I’m sure.  I felt him come up behind me, felt his erection through his pants, loved knowing that this was as pleasurable for him as it was for me.  And then he started in with the hairbrush.

Tomas dragged the scratchy tips across my back first, informing me of what was to come and sending incomprehensible shivers through my body.  He spanked me with the bristles, and on my heated skin it stung in the most delirious way.  I was floating, completely out of my mind, as the scene hit a crescendo.  The flat side of the brush made such a satisfying thud noise as it met my skin, and I panted and struggled, and he told me I was going to get 50 more.

They got worse and worse, and I struggled and cried out until suddenly, it stopped.  He caressed my skin, held me in place while I sagged, consumed by my own submission.  Whether or not I wanted it to go on, the scene was over, a closed circuit, no strings attached.

He unbound me slowly, comforting, letting me float back to earth, then sat me down and got me a glass of water.  We talked about the scene and I thanked him, sincerely.  Then I redressed, kissed his cheek, and left.  Two blocks down I stopped on the lawn of a mental hospital and allowed myself a clove cigarette to celebrate.

Because these events are worth celebrating.  For those of us who thrive on the fulfillment of our kinky desires, there is a languor, joy, and ensuing sense of purpose that will buoy us for days after an experience like this.  I couldn’t get enough of looking at my bruises in the mirror, the way they mottled and changed color, spiking into agony when I pressed one.  The sense of elation is hard to relate.

But if you do – relate, I mean – let me know.  I’ve been studying kink, sex, consent, alternate relationship styles, and queer issues to some degree or other for ten years.  BDSM’s greatest obstacle, and the only thing getting in the way of your exploring it, is ignorance.  No question is too ridiculous, too basic, too specific, too broad.  I want them all, the good, the bad, the nasty, and the kinky-as-fuck.

Try me.  Questions can be sent to [email protected] (and will be promptly deleted, upon request).
Curious?  Let’s get started.

-Persephone

Philosopher’s Stone Unturned: Sex Toys!

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In all my adventures, I’ve discovered that when it comes to sex toys, there are only three types of people in the world.

  1. ‘I don’t like to muck up the sensual experience with extra stuff.’ – 0 TOYS
  2. ‘I’ve got a vibrator, but nothing else appeals to me.’ – 1 TOY
  3. ‘Did you see the new remote-vibe Lelo just released?  I must have it.’ – ∞ TOYS

I am not gonna lie.  I’m the latter.  The kind with a small bank account  and a whole dresser drawer devoted to sexy accoutrements.  I’ve helped three close friends pick out their first vibrators.  I’ve had interviews at two different sex toy stores, not to mention the time I almost got a job with the NYC Museum of Sex.  Their gift shop is an exhibit in and of itself.

So trust me when I say that I know what I’m talking about.  This post is just a crash course – I’m here to help you get started on your own collection – but I want your questions so if there’s anything specific you want to know, email me!

So!  You’re in the market for a sex toy but don’t know how to get it done!  Let’s get through the logistics first.

How much?

While the saying is true, “you get what you pay for“, there are a LOT of options out there for sexy consumers on a budget.  My first toy was a $3 bullet vibe.  It was metal, had only one speed, and was not exactly silent.  BUT, it did the job, and I’m forever grateful for having the ovaries to blushingly purchase it one sunny Valentine’s Day.

Obviously price range is going to depend largely on what toy you’re shopping for, but we’ll stick with the classics for now.  A lower-quality plastic dildo / vibrator  will usually cost $20 or so.  After that, there are $40 and $50 options made of nicer materials but still lacking in finesse.  A brand-name vibrator or dildo will generally run you $70 and up.

The extra cost may seem a luxury, but what you’re paying for is a brand-name overall quality guarantee.  That includes:

  • Allergen- and chemical-free materials
  • Long-lasting, efficient inner mechanisms
  • More body-friendly designs & shapes
  • Plus, most top-notch vibrators are made by queer-and-women-run organizations

I’ve been on both ends of this, and I can say with absolute certainty that, while the $20 vibrator was pretty and cute and worked just fine…the moment I splurged on Pico Bong’s  stunning G-Vibe, I – and my orgasms – were never, ever the same.  Point being, as the famous Ferris Bueller proclaims, “If you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up.”

Where?

This obviously depends a lot on your location and mobility.  All major cities have a few solid sex stores, some better than others, and of course you can buy online!  I’m partial to Good Vibes, a prominent company based out of San Francisco that ships all over the world.  The education areas of their site are exceptional, and I like how many subcategories you have to choose from while shopping.

Still, there’s something to be said about buying toys in person.  In choosing your sex store, be cognizant of  who you’re patronizing.  Male-run spaces – usually based in tacky locker-sized storefronts or remote warehouses – have a huge porn collection, a lot of awful lingerie, and a hetero-centric inventory.  On the other hand, female- and queer-run spaces will be well-lit, comfortable, with a knowledgeable, unabashed store clerk to guide you through.  You’ll often find a collection of educational books and only a single shelf of porn, while the breadth and quality of the sex toys is breathtaking.

I hardly need to say it, but if you have the option, go with the latter.

How Do I Choose?!?!

I know, right?  Now that you’re surfing the web, the options are overwhelming!  The glass ones look so pretty!  But the shape of that one is cool!  Oh, wait, this one has nine settings!  Ack!!!

The best core advice I can give you is to trust your instincts.  Never underestimate the importance of aesthetics, and choose a toy that looks sexy to you.

Texture is also of utmost important, which is why I recommend you do a little hands-on research even if you decide to buy online.  You can find a list of toy materials, their benefits and downfalls Here

And there you have it.  All the tools you need to get started on your journey to becoming a Sex Toy Connoisseur.  

Happy hunting…
-Persephone

Questions and comments can be sent to [email protected]

Philosopher’s Stone Unturned: Shame

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Everyone carries around shame, there’s no doubt.  It’s a unique sensation everyone knows, something slimy deep in your gut, squishing left and right repeating a quiet mantra “shouldn’t shouldn’t shouldn’t”

I want to talk a little about shame, because it’s so often confused and mixed up with Guilt. And while the two feelings are related, they actually don’t originate from the same place.

When you feel guilty, it’s because you’ve broken your own rules.  Perhaps you’ve unintentionally hurt a friend, or lost a valued item.  Guilt stems from internal regret over your action, or inaction.  Importantly, we feel guilty for not doing something we innately felt was important.

But shame is a different beast altogether.  Unlike guilt, shame is a sensation based entirely off of the expectations of others.  Sometimes it’s obvious that your shame comes from something else.  Hell, feeling bad about getting poor grades isn’t because a child inherently cares; it comes from the external force of your teachers’ and parents’ expectations.

But most of the time, shame is a much more nefarious creature.  We aren’t born with it, but somewhere along the way people start to tell us how we should and shouldn’t act, think, feel.  Those standards encase you like an itchy exoskeleton before you’re old enough to argue.

I don’t know what you’re ashamed of.  But the problem probably is that you don’t know either.  You can’t quite identify where you end and your shame starts.  What parts of yourself are being mutilated by cultural standards?  By you parents’ beliefs?  What might be different if you weren’t confined by rules and laws that have been internalized for so long you can’t see past them?

It breaks my heart to meet people caged in so tightly by insecurity and self-doubt, the shame of their own desires and preferences, that they can’t even express themselves properly.  Can’t say what they mean.  What they feel.  What they want.

As someone who knew from a very young age how profoundly different I was from my peers, how unusual my preferences were, I remember poignantly the sick feeling in my gut.  That I was wrong.  That I was perverted, or sick.

And perhaps worst of all that I was alone.  No one would ever understand.  There would never be an outlet for my desires.  The vast expanse of my life loomed before me, empty of anyone who could ever reciprocate those fantasies.  And wanting them was wrong and wrong and wrong.

That mantra repeated from the ages of maybe nine to thirteen, when I got very, very lucky.  A lonely, geeky child I gobbled up fan fiction for entertainment.  A libidinous child, I turned to the X-rated stories.  And one day, I stumbled upon a fan fiction rife with my flavor of kink.

And discovered an entire hidden genre.  Countless authors from all over were expressing their desires, so similar to mine, through I medium I could, at 13, actually access.  The relief I felt is impossible to describe.

And it occurred to me to wonder…what was wrong about it?  Clearly there was an entire community of like-minded people, a vast but yet unreachable ocean filled with individuals who might understand the darker side of me.  They were brave enough to share their desires, the hidden parts of themselves.  Who was I to say they were sick?  And if they weren’t sick, than how was I?  What’s actually wrong with wanting to be consensually tied up and beaten?  It’s my body and my choice.

And anyone who has a problem with that can suck it.

You’ll never find what you’re looking for if you can’t admit you’re looking for it.  And you’ll never admit what you want until you let go of the assumption that others will judge you for it, shame you for it, or care at all.  What you want is just as valid and sexy and awesome as what they want, because desire is subjective.  So subjectively stand up for that.

Say it out loud.  Say it like you mean it.  Start small, and say it aloud in the dark by yourself, or in the mirror, and eventually to your partner, your friend, your spouse.  Hear what your own truth sounds like.  It’s not wrong or perverted or sick and neither are you.

I still struggle with shame every day.  Sometimes it lodges in my throat or squeezes out into my clenched fists.  And then I take a breath and remind myself that no one, NO ONE, gets to tell me how to feel.  Or how to live.

Thanks for reading.

-Persephone

Questions and comments can be sent to [email protected]

Philosopher’s Stone Unturned: Anal Sex!

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That’s right, today we’re going face to face…or butt to butt with a topic that a surprisingly large amount of the population can’t stomach: Anal sex.

Last July 4th I went to a friend’s party, and ended up in one corner of the garden, at a table with five woman who started talking about sex. One rolled her eyes and said how gross it was to swallow when a guy comes, and the group agreed, in a round of head nods and excuses. I remained silent in the corner. I didn’t know any of these clearly vanilla women and I didn’t want to be that person. The conversation expanded, evolved, into other ways that men are gross, and ‘why are they so obsessed with butt sex? Like, hey, if you’re giving it to me, you should be fine receiving it too.’  I had a strong opinion about this as well, but again stayed quiet. However, as the conversation expanded, it became clear that none of these women had ever tried butt play, and yet were vehemently against it for really dumb reasons like “it hurts so much” and “the guy is the only one who gets anything out of it”

I tried to shut up…but I couldn’t.

“Okay, I’m sorry, but as the only person here who has had and continues to have pleasurable anal sex, I think you guys are seriously misunderstanding some things.”

And then I gave them a lecture. The looks on their faces were shocked and bemused, but not a single one walked away, I got some decent questions, and at the end of the day, maybe one of them actually decided to take my advice and try it out.

I would like to start off with a promo for why you should have buttsex:

  • Butts are not that much grosser than genitals. Blood comes pouring out of a woman’s vaginal canal for 5 days every month. Penises are literally the place where guys pee. IT’S NOT A BIG DEAL. I am not even asking you to put your naked skin on someone’s asshole. Get over it.
  • Second, did you know that the rectal lining contains more nerve endings than the clitoris or penis? That’s right, there is a whole galaxy of sensation back there waiting to be experienced.
  • For female-bodied people, the G-spot can be accessed and stimulated through the anal wall, so you are *not* losing out on this spectacular pleasure center.
  • For male-bodied people, you have the oh-so-glorious prostate. The prostate is like the clit and G-spot all rolled into one, but for men. The stories I’ve heard from guys who have their prostate stimulated…have been inarticulate and hoarse after the soul-wrenching climaxes they’ve achieved. For guys who are against butt play because they think it’s gay or gross or stupid….you have NO IDEA what you’re missing.
  • It’s really hot. Seriously, butt sex is so hot.

Now that I’ve given you lots of reasons to actually do the dirty deed, we can move onto semantics. But before we get to a play-by-play of dos and don’ts, how about an anatomy lesson?  

The anus ends with a cute little rosebud, I think we can all agree. All around this rosebud, there is a ring of muscle called the Sphincter. This muscle is in charge of when you poop, and it’s the thing that relaxes when you want to and clenches when you don’t. Some naysayers will claim that having anal sex causes you to have reduced control of this muscle so you can’t decide when you poop (the term is ‘incontinence’). THIS IS A MYTH.

Let me repeat: THIS IS A MYTH. Anal sex/play has been scientifically proven to actually IMPROVE a person’s control over their sphincter. I have personally experienced this dramatic change in sphincter control, and while you may not care, it’s a very handy skill. So everyone shut the fuck up and go home.

However, the sphincter can be an aggressively tight little guy, so he should always be seduced rather than assaulted. 

SO. Your lesson:

There are three vital rules to engaging in anal play. NEVER DEVIATE FROM THESE RULES

  1. Use lube. Use buckets of lube. You can never use too much lube. I recommend something thicker to keep the lube from evaporating too quickly and water-based to avoid irritation.
  2. Seduce. That means you want to start with something small, like a finger or a little dildo to allow your sphincter time to adjust to the new feelings and encourage it to relax for something larger. Don’t push in too fast either, but play around the area first, to get your partner used to the sensation.
  3. If using toys, use a toy with a flared base, so it doesn’t get swallowed up by your butt. Yes this has happened to me. Yes it was atrociously embarrassing. No I did not have to go to the hospital, but some people do, so please avoid this by using something with a flared base. Please.

These are all important things to know from the point of view of someone playing with someone else’s butt. But! From the perspective of the recipient of this play, the way you approach this experience mentally makes an enormous difference in how pleasant it is! So here are some tips for that.

  1. Relax. This is pro-tip #1 because it is SO IMPORTANT. If you are nervous, anxious, fidgety, that ring of muscle is going to squeeze up tighter than a 10-year-old prom dress on a post-pregnancy body. Arrange yourself in a comfortable position, smoke a joint, and chill.
  2. It’s going to feel like you are pooping. This is going to be weird and uncomfortable, and maybe even painful for a bit, but the important thing is not to panic! Breathe through the discomfort, and remember that it will get better.
  3. Try touching yourself or having your partner touch you on other sensitive spots. This encourages your brain to interpret anal sensations as pleasurable, as well as encourages you to relax and enjoy the new experience.

If you and your partner keep in mind that this is a fun experiment, rather than an aggressive beginning to hard fucking, your first venture into anal play should be pleasant and easy. As your body adjusts to this new fun thing, you will be able to take larger and larger things up your ass…including a penis-sized thing. Go you! Goal acheived. You may pass go, you may collect $200.

Thanks for reading this post on Anal 101! Please direct any questions to [email protected] and I will be happy to expound! Have a buttastic day!

-Persephone

KuriousKrista asks: An Origin Story

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My dear friend KuriousKrista was the first person to get a peek at my very first Philosopher’s Stone Unturned post (An Origin Story) and she had these delightful questions for me afterwards:

 

How did you find out about Paddles?  Did you go there the first time by yourself?

Excellent Inquiry!  I am a member of a spectacular website called Fetlife.com.  

Let me preface this by saying that Fetlife is not a casual dating website.  It is for genuine kinksters looking to connect with each other.  You can’t imagine the number of inarticulate, desperate messages I get from guys with empty profiles, two dick pics, and the sole interest in easy, rough sex, who couldn’t tell a Dominant from a street lamp.  So please.  Don’t be that guy.

Fetlife is basically facebook for kinksters.  I have a profile where I can advertise my fetishes, I can post pictures and writing, journal entries, even ads.  I can join groups of like-minded people of any variety.  I can browse through an extensive collection of sexy photos, fascinating stories, and for $5 a month, hot videos as well.  There is a messenger service, privacy settings, and pages upon pages of local events for me to choose from.

I found out about Paddles while I was browsing the events list.  I saw an event advertised for a TNG munch (TNG standing for “The Next Generation”, a group for young kinksters) (munch indicating a public, group meet-up at a restaurant).  It was explicitly geared toward newbies on the Scene.  Additionally, it offered the opportunity to attend Paddles that night, after the munch, for a slightly reduced fee.

I decided to bite the bullet and go.  We met at a diner, as people trickled in, all of them nervous.  The evening was run by two very experienced kinksters who were happy to answer all our questions.  A few hours later we headed over to Paddles.  The rest, as they say, is history.

 

Were you more nervous / was it more difficult for you to reach subspace at Paddles than it had been for you previously, because it was public?

Hmmmm, that is…complicated.  My relationship with exhibitionism has been long, arduous, and contradictory at times.  The short answer is, no, I had no more trouble reaching subspace in that scenario than I did in previous kinky excursions I’d had.  For one thing, the person I was playing with knew very well how to make me feel comfortable and relaxed.  For another, my scene was in a fairly private area of the club, and I only had to contend with a few scarce voyeurs.

 

Does a scene only refer to the exchange taking place between two people at a play party and doesn’t apply to exchanges taking place between two people privately?

No!  The term ‘scene’ can be applied to any kinky scenario that plays out, public or private.  It can even be applied to scenes people perform by themselves, such as self-bondage sessions!

 

Thanks again to KuriousKrista for these probing snippets.  Stay tuned for more, and keep those questions coming!

-Persephone

Philosopher’s Stone Unturned: Polyamory

Polyamory

BewilderedWilliam asks:

Okay, so what actually is poly?

Great Question!  For all of you with furrowed eyebrows, BewilderedWilliam is referring to Polyamory, a subculture of folks who have loving relationships with multiple people at once.  Non-monogamy is a HUGE SUBJECT, one I have been studying for years, in practice and on paper. So if you want to do some serious research, please get your hands on a copy of:

The Ethical Slut, the polyamorous Bible, which helps the leiman grasp the core concepts of non-monogamy

and/or

Opening Up which focuses more on the nitty-gritty, real-life issues faced by non-monogamous individuals

 

Alright.  The basics.  The question I usually get asked first is…. “So is that like polygamy?”

…NO

Polygamy refers specifically to a situation where one person (usually a man) is married to multiple partners (usually women).  These days, this practice is seen in the US almost exclusively within the Mormon community (and even with them the trend is dying out).  THIS IS COMPLETELY UNRELATED TO POLYAMORY.  THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way.  While polyamory is an amazing, lovely subculture of which I am an avid participant, it is only one facet of an even larger group of individuals who have Non-Monogamous relationships.  These relationships should not be confused with those of couples who pretend to be faithful but are not, i.e. cheating, spouses looking the other way.  The distinction between cheating and non-monogamy is consent and respect between all parties involved.

At one end of the spectrum, we have Swingers.  Swingers are couples who like to meet other couples and switch partners (or some variation thereof).  Swingers tend to be very private about their illicit activities, and the main focus is their joint sexual exploration.  This group is vast and there are annual retreats for Swingers to get together and party it up.  I hear these are exquisite.

A step up from this is Partnered Non-Monogamy.  This can look exactly like a completely normal exclusive relationship, except that the couple has consented to allow one or both partners to have casual or purely sexual relationships on the side.  However, from here on it is a level of degrees, and each relationship operates on its own set of regulations.  Some Partnered Non-Monogamists (and guys, let’s get to work on making a more fluid name for these people) allow for dates or excursions, some require permission before the other party can flounce off to a new partner, some people want to know all about these third parties and some don’t want to know anything at all.

These are open relationships.  And Open is a crucial word here, because in order to participate in one, you must be in tune with yourself as well as open to others’ needs.  The core of non-monogamy is about honest communication – being able to identify what makes you uncomfortable, why, and feeling free to share those feelings of jealousy, anger, frustration, and loneliness without judgement.  Only with such an open level of communication can couples navigate safely between fear and love.

I was dating my first boyfriend for over a year when we decided to start opening our relationship…slowly.  We could kiss other people for fun, sometimes when we were together at parties, or sometimes solo.  This went on pleasantly for a while, until my beloved developed strong feelings for one of our friends.  I told him I didn’t mind them doing a little more than making out, so we hammered out a few guidelines.  I was happy knowing that he had the freedom to explore, and still came home to me at the end of the day.

But sometimes you don’t know what will upset you until it already happens, and when it does, don’t panic!  When I saw my partner kissing this other woman at a party, it was different.  They weren’t having fun, they had a connection, and I had never handled that before.

The important thing here is to be honest about whatever feelings come up for you, and to acknowledge them as valid.  Everyone experiences jealousy to varying degrees.  When you hold in that anger, you let that silent resentment grow, and it has power over you.  By sharing those feelings, bringing them into the light of day, they lose their power.  My boyfriend at the time totally understood, reassured me that he was not going anywhere, that this girl was not, in fact, superior to me in every way, and we made sure that I never had to stumble on their makeout sessions again.  Remember that you and your partner are on the same team.  It’s not a contest on who has more fuck buddies, or who can care less about what the other does.

You might be asking, why even do this?  It seems like a ton of trouble with very little gain.  But think of it this way: If my beloved is fucking Muhammad, could very easily go be with him instead, and still asks me about my day, helps me on my errands, kisses my lips, I know without a doubt it is purely because he wants to.  Not because he is required to by Relationship Law.  It’s because he loves me.

Which leads smoothly into: Polyamory

Literally meaning Many Loves, if we take it by its Latin roots, Polyamory transcends regular non-monogamy to include serious, loving, long-term relationships with multiple parties.  Not everyone is built for it, and it’s a lot of work, but people who are polyamorous feel fulfilled by exploring all the things they are attracted to, discovering themselves and others through myriad relationships…by filling their lives with intimacy and love.  This lifestyle stems from two very basic concepts:

 

The love I can feel in my heart is infinite

No one person can meet my every need

And why should they?  As human beings we are extremely nuanced creatures with hearts full of need (sometimes contradicting needs).  No one is perfect.  In a monogamous relationship, there are going to be unavoidable differences.  My partner and I can only have sex at our mutual comfort level; he is up all night programming while I sleep alone; I need a caretaker but he needs too much taking care of.  In a monogamous relationship, these aspects do not much change, and although my love for him is very real and quite spectacular, my frustration and resentment grow anyway, because we are human, and we always want more.

Yes, I could ask him to sleep with me at night, but he is a night owl and does his best work then.  Yes, I could buy some toys and push him into trying something he doesn’t really like.  But aren’t these options harmful to my beloved?  Don’t they make him uncomfortable?  Isn’t this disrespectful to the value of loving someone for who they are?

But if my partner and I are in a poly relationship, that means that when I meet Amanda, a loving mother-figure who likes to cuddle, she can help meet some of those needs, and my love for her is also real and extremely comforting.  And when I meet Evan, an experienced Dominant, and our chemistry sparks, he can help meet those kinky needs as well, and my love for him is real and very intense.  Buoyed by the pleasure I feel with Amanda and Evan, my love for my primary partner remains untouched, still spectacular, only augmented.

We do not love everyone the same way, because people are unique and so is our chemistry with each of them.  Polyamorous people like to let their relationships find their own level.  Instead of trying to force a mold on something…you allow it to blossom naturally.  My friend T and her roommate have been close friends for many years; they also sometimes have kink scenes together, which began only a few years ago.  The scenes are never sexual, but this connection gives them a greater intimacy and meets their mutual need without damaging the integrity of their relationship.

Some poly people have a Primary Partner, but that is not always the case.  Just to broaden your horizons, many of us do not apply hierarchies to our relationships, and still others have group relationships with three, four, five people.  Polyamorous relationships are not for the faint of heart – they require work, consciousness, you have to stay present and think about things from other people’s perspectives.  If you want to coast through your relationships, then polyamory is not for you…but then again, maybe monogamy isn’t either.

There is only so much I can cover in this one flimsy blog post, so I will again instruct you toward the above-mentioned books, as well as encourage you to seek out polyamorous/non-monogamous meet-ups that occur in your area, or email me with personal questions.  Maybe it’s not your bag, maybe monogamy is right for you, but if you feel that being required to love only one person for your whole life is a little unrealistic….trust me, you have options.

A lot of options 😉

-Persephone

[email protected]

KowedKen asks: Romance & Kink

Relationship Advice

Ken is a bisexual, submissive guy who has only experimented with other men on the Scene, and never reached subspace.  He recently ran into a woman, Maggie, that he’s seen at play parties.  They drank together, got into some naughty heavy petting (bad boy!) and arranged to meet up soon at a BDSM coffee shop – and perhaps even go to a play party together.

What Ken asks is how to navigate forward from here given the fact that he feels a very real, romantic connection with this woman, but doesn’t want that to preclude their D/s interactions…or the other way around.

Let me start by saying this:  San Francisco has BDSM coffee shops?

Reason #37 I have to live there.  Argh!!!

Moving on.

First of all, Ken, I have been where you have been, many times, and it is a tough but exciting place to be.  You’re feeling anxious, jittery, but also enthralled, turned-on.  These are all good signs!  Those sleepless sensations mean that there are veritable sparks coming off this budding relationship.  It’s not dissimilar to the way vanilla people feel meeting someone new and amazing.  From the way you described the encounter, it seemed like Maggie was very clearly into you as well, so that is one concern you can leave behind.

But how does one traverse the bumpy, slippery road between kink and romance?  For all you vanillas out there, romance is your only concern, and for a select few kinksters, the fetish stuff is all that matters.  But for those of us who crave that sultry, affectionate D/s combo…it can become tricky!

The first thing you ought to do, Ken, is prioritize.  That sounds boring, I know, but it’s pretty important.  What kind of relationship are you looking for?  What does it need to include for you to be satisfied?  What are your red-flags, things that are off-limits?  How serious do you need it to be?  Especially navigating into a new kind of relationship, it’s good to know where you stand with yourself.

Something else to keep in mind is that, no matter what you want, this relationship is going to reach its natural level.  What does that mean?  I’ll go into it further during an upcoming post on Polyamory, but in short, our interpersonal chemistry with people will always dictate how intimate a relationship becomes.  Instead of fighting that, because no, I wanted just a buddy, or no, I need rough sex from this person every day, respect that process of discovery and enjoy the ride.  You could be surprised by where the two of you end up.

Keep in mind that Maggie has her own priorities and needs for a relationship, and is coming from a different place than you, and that is okay.  If you talk about your independent needs, there is very likely to be some common ground.

Speaking of which, you mentioned an anxiety regarding how inexperienced a sub you are in comparison to Maggie.  I’ll tell you this straight out: Congratu-fucking-lations.  As a hard-core sub who has played with less experienced Tops regularly because she can’t find a professional, I am super jealous you caught the eye of someone more experienced than you.  This can only be a good thing in regard to your sexual growth, because she can teach you things and bring you places you didn’t know before.

But that anxiety is real and understandable.  Don’t be shy about it.  Tell her!  You’re fairly young, there is nothing shameful about never having been to subspace or had a serious, intimate kinky session before.  I’m sure she will find this acceptable, if not delightful.  You are a new toy to train, so to speak, and that is both an honor to her and an adventure for you!  Don’t be shy also if you want to take things slow.  Firsts can be scary, and that ought to be respected.

For example, you’ve never subbed for a woman before, and that is a concern for you.  What does that difference mean to you?  “I don’t know” is an acceptable answer to that question, by the way.  Even so, it’s important to bring that up too, so you can make sure her expectations for a scene – particularly the sexual aspects – are the same as yours.

Talking through both of your fetishes is the fun part.  It doesn’t have to be clinical, but instead playful, sensual.  Tell her stories of experiences you liked, ways you wished that partner had been better.  This is both sexy and helpful.  And ask her similar things, so you can learn what she likes.

However, you also want to foster a friendship and possible romance with this person, yes?  So while you’re out for coffee, remember that Maggie is a regular person.  Treat her like a new friend, get to know her interests and personality.  People often make the mistake of focusing in on the sexual or kinky aspect of a new relationship, and allowing those everyday moments of intimacy to pass them by.  So don’t get stuck on her Domme persona, or what she can do for you and your needs.  Get to know Maggie.  I promise, she’ll appreciate it.

My last tidbit of advise is: if you guys are going to a play party together, and especially if you are still nervous leading up to the event…ask her out!  Go on a date before the party, dinner or drinks, so you can talk about expectations, limits, and/or just become a little more at ease around her leading up to the party itself.  In the end, my best piece of advise is to trust your instincts and follow her lead.

Have fun, Ken, and stay safe!

-Persephone

[email protected]

DubiousDave asks: Subspace

BDSM

DubiousDave asks:

I’m a bartender in a kink neighborhood of SF. Some guys tell me they have never felt subspace from participating in scenes or private one-on-one play. They’ll say they experience the pain but little more than that.  Do you think they haven’t had the right experience, haven’t gone far enough or is it something innate to them?

First of all, thanks to Dave for being my first responder!  Please check out Dave’s blog – he also has a lot to say on BDSM, polyamory, and other overlapping issues, and puts me in good company on WordPress.

This is a great question, in part because it addresses so much about Submission.  To start, I am tempted to say that a difference in sub experience might stem from the fact that these people are men.  While it’s true, men are socialized from birth to be more aggressive, dominant, and selfish, and these stereotypes play a large role in how they experience their sexuality…this is NOT the whole story!  It’s only one facet of a very complicated issue.

But before that, let’s talk a little more about subspace.  Subspace, for one thing, doesn’t always have a clear demarcated line.  There are gradual levels to which someone can let go during sex/a scene, and subspace can be experienced subtly.  It’s not always so intense that you forget your name or where you are.  If you don’t know whether you’ve experienced subspace or not, some common symptoms are: lightheadedness, blurred vision, and relaxed muscles.  Almost like how you would feel during a great massage.

Entering subspace fully requires that a person really and deeply lets go.  Of everything.  Their surroundings, their autonomy, their ability to decide what happens next.  Anyone who struggles with giving power to someone else is going to struggle with subspace, and this can be negated in part by playing with people you trust.  You don’t have to worry if a trustworthy partner will abide by your negotiated terms or harm you accidentally or push you past your limits.  While casual sex is fun and I totally support it, these concerns interrupt the submissive experience.  BDSM involves a somewhat deeper intimacy, so those playing casually may not have the intense experience they’re looking for.

A good trick I see Dominants use to get their subs in the right mindset is…I’m not even kidding about this…acts of tenderness.  Especially juxtaposed with inflicting pain – before, during, or after – a moment of quiet care (kiss on the cheek, sweet nothings in the ear, etc.) goes a loooooong way toward getting someone to relax, accept what’s happening, and remind them they are in safe hands.

Something else to keep in mind is knowing thyself.  What turns you on or off during a scene?  For example, I really hate spitting.  The very concept of it makes my stomach roil, so if I’m in the midst of a scene that I’m enjoying and the act of spitting becomes part of that scene…there is no way I am experiencing subspace.  At all.  Ew.  No.

The more you know about yourself, the better you can communicate your needs, likes, and dislikes to your partner(s), which will keep away those nasty mid-scene speed bumps.

More than that, to know thyself includes knowing what triggers you to feel submissive.  A friend of mine identifies not as a sub so much as a Masochist, so her primary turn-on is the pain in and of itself, and less about who is doling it out.  On the other hand, as a sexual submissive, my greatest triggers involve the act of submission itself: kneeling, obeying, punishment.  The pain itself is not going to put me into subspace, but instead the sense of Domination I feel from my partner.  Some people are thrilled by fighting back, the mental and physical battle with their partner, and others get spaced by subtle things, like a slap across the face or having their hair tucked behind their ear.

Your unique flavor of kink is going to dictate what will put you into subspace, and as you experiment, you’re sure to find those sweet spots.  The things to prioritize during the search for subspace are:

Comfort – pick an environment that makes you feel relaxed
Trust

And making sure the scene revolves around your turn-ons

I hope this advice is helpful to your kinky patrons, Dave!  Make sure they come check out Philosopher’s Stone Unturned and toss their questions my way.  Next round is on me 😉

-Persephone

Philosopher’s Stone Unturned: An Origin Story

BDSM

I tried to introduce someone to BDSM once.  

We were partners on-and-off for three years.  I convinced him, after many months, to experiment with tying me up, or spanking me.  But I was impatient, always pushing him further, needing more, feeling abandoned and unsatisfied when he couldn’t meet those needs.  Basically, I fucked him up so severely in regard to sex I’m surprised he still talks to me.

So you’ll understand if I’m wary of trying again.  But for the sake of everyone intrigued by Fifty Shades, but unsure of themselves, it’s a little selfish to keep all my experience to myself.

Nature vs. nurture is a constant battle, but some things are simply born into people: you’re born gay, you’re a natural athlete, or maybe, like me, you’re innately Submissive.  And I don’t mean light-bondage-and-some-spanking submissive, or even let’s-go-to-a-dungeon-once-a-month submissive, but a hard-core, 24/7, whip-me-till-I-scream, need-it-to-feel-human Sub.

This is hard to understand for almost anyone, the same way it is hard for me to understand a lense of pleasure that doesn’t include pain, or how sex can lack a power dynamic (and how that would be erotic?).  And believe me, I’ve spent my entire life trying to reconcile those desires with a self who is passionate, strong-willed, and extremely feminist.  I’ve spent my life trying to remove the shame like a surgeon so I can come to you clean and open.  

Because at the heart of BDSM and its community is acceptance.  Until you can accept people as they are, flaws and fetishes, desires and fears, then you have no place with us.

In fact, over the years I’ve tried explaining the BDSM community to an array of strangers and friends, and I’m always surprised at how difficult it is.  The mystique and eroticism of our lives has been wildly misrepresented.  With dramatised, inauthentic splashes like Fifty Shades, SVU episodes, political scandals, and even regular porn, that’s not so much surprising as it is deeply frustrating. So today I’d like to pull the curtain open and show you what it’s really like…

Let’s start with the most basic of basics:

B    –    D    –    S    –    M

 

These letters stand for six distinct words:

 

B&D: Bondage & Discipline

D/s: Dominant/submissive

S&M: Sadism / Masochism

Classic BDSM will often include some if not all of these aspects, and usually necessitates some type of power exchange.  In classic BDSM, parties with power are the Dominants and go by Dom, Top, Master, Sir/Mistress, etc.  A Switch is someone who straddles the line by enjoying both roles.  And submissives are known as subs, pets, slaves, littles, or any number of other humiliating names.  And yes, capitalizing one and not the other is purposeful and common.  

BDSM as a subculture, however, umbrellas all non-normative sexuality, and really anyone is welcome, from the guy who likes to be walked on to the guy who crossdresses every once and awhile.  Classic BDSM aside, whatever you’re into – infantilism, furries, vorp… – kinksters will put aside judgement and welcome you into the club.

BDSM events are pieces of a large network called the Scene: “I’ve been active on the Scene for about four years”; “Have you been to any Scene parties lately?”  Events that occur on the Scene include anything from private gangbangs, swingers parties, and wax demonstrations to sensuality and tantra circles, rope lessons, toy releases, and weekly munches for sub-groups to meet and socialize.  It’s a vast network of individuals with their unique orientations, gender expressions, power dynamics, relationships, nationalities, socioeconomic statuses, kinks…

I get questions like “is everyone bi?” and “you must have a lot of orgies.”  So let me make this clear: Kinksters Are People.  We have jobs, we pay car insurance, we fret over our new haircut, and we try to find time to visit that new dungeon on Delancey.  Kinksters are not having brutal, crazy sex all day.  Orgies are exceptionally hard to organize (UGH trust me).  We pay for the parties we attend.  It’s not a montage of flashing lights, thrumming bass, writhing bodies, and that one chick moaning on a cross.  

Well, okay.  Sometimes it is.  But we’ll get to that.

Events that permit sexual or kinky activities are termed Play Parties.  A few notes about play party code of conduct: First, and most important, is express verbal consent.  Ask before you touch anyone aside from yourself.  If the answer is no, don’t take it personally, or demand a reason, simply back off.  “No” is a complete sentence, after all.

Second, as a voyeur, how close you stand to any activity should be indirectly proportional to how intense the scene is.  For a couple making out, the other end of the couch is a fair vantage point.  When it’s sweaty, personal fucking, somewhere across the room is more appropriate.  Most importantly, don’t interrupt, especially in the midst of a BDSM scene.

In this context, the word “scene” also represents a situation that plays out between two or more individuals at a play party.  A scene has three phases.  First, all parties involved negotiate what will occur in the scene, what desires overlap.  Second, the scene plays out – importantly, all parties check in with each other during the process.  Afterward, there is Aftercare, where the submissive(s) is comforted and catered to, or a Debriefing, where everyone talks about what went down and how they liked it, or both.  

But this is all starting to sound like I’m speaking legaleze.  So, how would you like a story?

 

My first visit to Paddles, a popular dungeon in lower Manhattan, came after so many years of longing, I was surprised at how nervous I was.  Hadn’t this been the goal, the dream all along?  Sure, I certainly wouldn’t participate tonight, but I’ve been reading into BDSM since I was 13.  It’s not like this place could surprise me.

But I suppose that didn’t matter, because I was terrified.  The thrill of being inside, corsets everywhere, toys adorning the walls, the smell of leather rich and euphoric, and still I couldn’t strike up the nerve to strike up a conversation.  I sat in a wing-backed chair and watched someone prepare for a suspension scene.  

Paddles is a no-sex-no-booze dungeon.  There’s a bar for soda, a stage for demos, and enough nooks and crannies to make an english muffin jealous.  Some corners are very cramped, and it’s not exactly the cleanest of clubs, but Paddles is closer to what I always imagined dungeons would be like than anywhere else I’ve been to.

Eventually, because I am young and beautiful and probably reek of slavery, a man came over and introduced himself.  He was Tomas, he was blonde and Australian and a complete gentleman.  He didn’t seem to mind my stuttering responses, or nervous fidgeting.  After about a half an hour, when we’d gotten to know one another and both revealed our personal kinks, he asked if I’d be interested in negotiating a scene with him surrounding a spanking.  

I remember having difficulty breathing, and hearing sirens go off in my head.  I wanted it.  I didn’t want it.  I’d decided not to participate tonight.  Would it be alright to break that rule?

So I cut myself some slack and asked if I could have a few minutes to think about it.  I went to the restroom, played a game of solitaire on my phone, rebalanced myself, and asked the toughest question there is: Why Not?

“Why not” is very easily answered by fear.  But when you can recognize that fear, you can push it aside. Why not?  I rejoined Tomas and, haltingly, told him what I was looking for.  He asked for a few minutes to prep.

By all accounts, asking for what I want as a submissive is the most difficult part.  It requires that I actively and willingly humiliate, debase, and expose myself….while I’m still in charge of my faculties.  Once the scene is in play, none of those things matter, but up to that edge, it can be very stressful and confusing.  

But I’d made my decision.  The terms for the scene were clear, and very basic: spanking (instruments permitted) sensation play, light bondage.  Tomas allowed me to choose between being bent over a bench in an occupied room, or strung up inside a caged alcove.  I am relatively shy.  I chose the latter.  

He went very slowly with me, warming me up so gently the first few hits didn’t even register.  My eyes closed out of instinct, hands gripping my loose restraints.  He had me spread my legs, and the slaps came harder, resonating into my chest like a second heartbeat.  I let go, and entered subspace.

Subspace is the term submissives use to describe…well, it’s hard to describe.  It’s a headspace where time, space, reality, all melt away; nothing exists except the sensations, floating on a comforting wave of submission.  Some subs struggle to ascend to subspace, while others find it more easily, and you can experience it at many different levels.  

Personally, subspace is only ever a forceful word away, where I can forget who I am, that I’m even human, and succumb completely to my Top’s desires.  I become fluid, obedient, and perfectly at peace.

Some uncounted time later he paused, leaned in close, asked if we were Green.  In BDSM, safe words are paramount, and when in doubt people tend to go with the classics: “Red” for a Full Stop, “Yellow” to pause or protest something specific, and “Green” to indicate continued consent.  Then he asked if I wanted more.

In subspace, human words are a far-off luxury, but after a few tries I was able to respond with a question of my own.  “May I take off my dress?”  If I wasn’t going to let myself get truly vulnerable, what was the point?

When I was disrobed and rebound, my eyes flickered open for a moment, and I noticed for the first time that the back wall of this cage was mirrored.  I looked at myself, spread eagle, clad only in my underwear for  this man I had met an hour ago and felt a rush of arousal and serenity.  This was where I belonged.  Hungry eyes peered at me from behind the cage bars.  I remember the surge of pride at being watched like this, shameless and beautiful.  

And then he started in again, firmer, the pain rising full and supple and more to my taste.  My moaning got louder, I’m sure.  I felt him come up behind me, felt his erection through his pants, loved knowing that this was as pleasurable for him as it was for me.  And then he started in with the hairbrush.

Tomas dragged the scratchy tips across my back first, informing me of what was to come and sending incomprehensible shivers through my body.  He spanked me with the bristles, and on my heated skin it stung in the most delirious way.  I was floating, completely out of my mind, as the scene hit a crescendo.  The flat side of the brush made such a satisfying thud noise as it met my skin, and I panted and struggled, and he told me I was going to get 50 more.  

They got worse and worse, and I struggled and cried out until suddenly, it stopped.  He caressed my skin, held me in place while I sagged, consumed by my own submission.  Whether or not I wanted it to go on, the scene was over, a closed circuit, no strings attached.

He unbound me slowly, comforting, letting me float back to earth, then sat me down and got me a glass of water.  We talked about the scene and I thanked him, sincerely.  Then I redressed, kissed his cheek, and left.  Two blocks down I stopped on the lawn of a mental hospital and allowed myself a clove cigarette to celebrate.  

Because these events are worth celebrating.  For those of us who thrive on the fulfillment of our kinky desires, there is a languor, joy, and ensuing sense of purpose that will buoy us for days after an experience like this.  I couldn’t get enough of looking at my bruises in the mirror, the way they mottled and changed color, spiking into agony when I pressed one.  The sense of elation is hard to relate.

But if you do – relate, I mean – let me know.  I’ve been studying kink, sex, consent, alternate relationship styles, and queer issues to some degree or other for ten years.  BDSM’s greatest obstacle, and the only thing getting in the way of your exploring it, is ignorance.  No question is too ridiculous, too basic, too specific, too broad.  I want them all, the good, the bad, the nasty, and the kinky-as-fuck.

Try me.  Questions can be sent to [email protected] (and will be promptly deleted, upon request).  
Curious?  Let’s get started.

-Persephone